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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go and pick up daughter

318 replies

Twix42 · 22/10/2019 17:39

DD age 13 is at a friend's house. Has been with her all day. She just messaged me to ask if I could come and pick her up. Friend lives roughly 1 mile away, if that. It's not raining or dark outside and it's a safe route home. I told her to walk back home herself she'salazyarse
Needless to say her friend's parent will probably bring her home anyway as they are a soft touch and will feel sorry for her.
It's really not that far away, but aibu to not go and collect her?
Btw I am not expecting said friend's parent to bring her home, they just do it....

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 24/10/2019 12:28

Whilst deaths might be few and far between.

You don’t get to hear about the children who are attacked or who have thwarted an an attempt of an attack

I personally know a few mums who have had children who have been attacked or had to call the police because on their way home some guy has tried to drag them into a car or down an alley or into some bushes.

All in the daylight and all close to home.

purplepalace · 24/10/2019 12:39

The time it took to start this thread...OP could've picked her up already. What a waste of energy.

Be kind, be generous and pick your battles.

twosoups1972 · 24/10/2019 12:59

OP posted last night that her daughter walks twice the distance to school

Sorry I missed that bit. So all this talk of lazy teenagers, the obesity crisis etc are completely irrelevant!

If someone is getting plenty of exercise during the course of the week, I don't see it as a problem to offer an occasional lift. It's this complete lack of flexibility and black/whiteness that I find baffling.

My dh walks to the station most mornings, about a 20 min walk. In the evenings because he's tired, he'll usually get a bus. But sometimes I pick him up if there's a long wait for a bus. Not because it's unsafe, or he's 'lazy'....because he's tired after a long day and wants to get home quickly. So what's the MN view on this?

pjmask · 24/10/2019 13:02

Does anyone remember Holly and Jessica? Ian Huntley? They lived minutes, literally, away. Even 10 years later, we're still reeling from the senseless murder of these two girls.

Does anyone remember all the children who have been killed in car crashes in their parents' cars? No, it's such a common occurrence that it won't even reach the national news at the time, let alone be remembered 10 years later

Sense!

wednesday32 · 24/10/2019 13:08

When I was younger my parents were always the ones picking up and dropping off. other parents didn't bother. Taking the environmental factor out of it,because you could walk to meet her, i think its unfair on the other child's parents. Imagine the guilt they would have if anything was to happen to her on the way home on her own. I am all for independence but she's asked to be picked up offer to walk and meet her or meet her halfway and walk back x

SierraBravo · 24/10/2019 14:02

No one in my family would consider driving a distance of 1 mile unless there were lots of stuff to transport (i.e. a large shopping trip or moving furniture). That said, around here driving might not even save you much time (especially around 5:30 pm), because of an awkward one-way system and traffic. We probably would even walk this distance in the rain.

That said, if I were you, I might walk to pick up DD, depending on what the route was like. But there are areas around where we live where a 13-year-old would probably not feel safe on their own (even if they actually were safe), and I'd be happy to walk a mile each way if it makes the journey more enjoyable for them.

Teateaandmoretea · 24/10/2019 15:20

Imagine the guilt they would have if anything was to happen to her on the way home on her own.

Why would they have guilt? My daughters friends often leave my house and walk home, they are allowed to do that so that responsibility is their own parents'. You cannot go around mollycoddling everyone and judging other parents for assessing risk differently to you.

Beveren · 24/10/2019 15:54

Imagine the guilt they would have if anything was to happen to her on the way home on her own.

By that token, they would feel equal guilt if they'd refused to allow it and the child then got injured in a car accident on the way home - which statistically is much more likely.

Limensoda · 24/10/2019 16:09

FFS, ......it's a mile! If a 13 year old can't walk a mile home in daylight it's pathetic.
I wouldn't have picked her up if it was 3 miles! Too many kids are overprotected or lazy.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 24/10/2019 16:27

I think
It’s a bit selfish to leave her knowing full well that other parents will bring her.
Has she got a bike?

Teateaandmoretea · 24/10/2019 16:30

It’s a bit selfish to leave her knowing full well that other parents will bring her.

I think it's a bit selfish to put pressure on the OP to collect her by bringing her home if her mum says she can walk.

TimeForNewStart · 24/10/2019 16:39

My DDs friend’s parents will insist on bring her home and I find it really irritating!

Limensoda · 24/10/2019 17:23

I think it's a bit selfish to put pressure on the OP to collect her by bringing her home if her mum says she can walk

I agree. The other parents should respect OP's decision. The girl is 13 not a tiny child. It's like they disapprove of the girl's mother's decision.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 24/10/2019 20:28

Good gods. Is it that hard to understand that some areas are safer than others?

What you feel comfortable with probably depends on where you are. The OP knows her area. 1 mile is 15 mins, 20 at the outset. (Even for fat old me) The DD walks that to school. Should OP drive her there too?

Yes terrible things happen. But they are the exception, not the rule. Keeping DC under protection until -what age?- isn't helping them become street wise or independent for later life.

And that's without the environmental and health issues.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 24/10/2019 20:46

FWIW there was one rape in my town in 10 years. Drunks in the town centre on a Friday and Saturday night fighting, yes. But that's not what OP is talking about.

some of us DO live in rural backwaters, maybe OP does too

And nothing has ever happened where I live now, the local kids walk or bike everywhere. If you spend your life anticipating the worst, that's surely not a healthy way to live?

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/10/2019 21:38

FWIW there was one rape in my town in 10 years

But how many attacks that haven’t even made it to the news.

Teateaandmoretea · 25/10/2019 07:37

But how many attacks that haven’t even made it to the news.

Probably lots, but the ones where a stranger randomly drags a girl or woman off the street are the ones that do make the news and are relatively rare. Majority of rapes are someone that the woman knows or is acquainted with, not a random stranger as you walk back from a friends house in broad daylight.

KatharinaRosalie · 25/10/2019 08:13

So many people here really live in areas where it is unsafe an irresponsible to let a teenager be outside alone for 15 minutes in broad daylight? You need to drive or accompany them each and every time they leave the house?

myself2020 · 25/10/2019 08:17

@KatharinaRosalie its mumsnet! most people here live in areas that are desperately unsafe for kids outside, yet also in catchment of excellent state schools. same as most kids here are on silver reading level by year 1 ;)

myself2020 · 25/10/2019 08:20

@Oliversmumsarmy most abuse/rape is from people the victim knows well. and for this reason, it never makes the press (or to the police).
Attacks by strangers in public places usually make it to police/press because of the different situation the victim is in

Oliversmumsarmy · 25/10/2019 08:36

myself2020

I beg to differ.

Dc have been to 5 schools between them, apart from one there were incidents of pupils in each school going to and from schools on their own being enticed into a car and when that failed they chased the child down the street only to be thwarted by another member of the public.

These sort of instances never made the paper.

A couple of the mums I know outside of school have had their dds attacked in broad daylight. Their dds fought off the attacker and again fortunately there were others around to thwart the attack and again these incidents didn’t make the paper because they were not full blown attacks but attempted “assaults”

So don’t be lulled into a false sense of security because you don’t read about many rapes or murders.

For everyone you do read of there is probably several hundred up and down the country that are a jotting in a policeman’s note book

frogsoup · 25/10/2019 09:34

"I know it’s unlikely/rare but Is it ever worth the risk"

Well bluntly, yes. Otherwise you end up with fat, lazy, entitled 20yos who cant leave their house in broad daylight because of what 'might' happen. Fostering independence in our kids is scary but not an optional extra, it's literally our entire job as parents!!!

This thread is classic MN madness, most entertaining.

TequilaPilates · 25/10/2019 09:41

So many people here really live in areas where it is unsafe an irresponsible to let a teenager be outside alone for 15 minutes in broad daylight?

Sadly, I do. The last 12 - 18 months has seen a huge surge in crime aimed at secondary school children. We live in an outer London borough and seem to be a target for gangs catching the train down and then conducting a series of muggings aimed at kids out and about in the late afternoon do on their way home from school etc. Schools have issued guidance advising students don't walk home alone.

It is scary and I'm glad my children are grown up now but I can understand parents who are worried about safety.

pictish · 25/10/2019 12:48

I agree frog

Oliversmumsarmy · 25/10/2019 21:20

*I know it’s unlikely/rare but Is it ever worth the risk

Well bluntly, yes. Otherwise you end up with fat, lazy, entitled 20yos*

I have one of those almost 20 year olds and they are neither fat nor entitled.

One thing doesn’t necessarily follow the other.

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