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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if friendships between parents and non-parents can ever really work?

218 replies

moonwashigh · 22/10/2019 08:17

I’m not being goady, or trying to knock anybody, either people with children or people without. I don’t have children (that’s not a choice) and because of the age I am (late thirties) pretty much everyone in my friendship circle has had a baby within the last five years, most are now on their second.

Obviously, I understand and expect that the children come first and I’m not saying it should be different. But being honest about how things are, it means that obviously nights out don’t happen and that’s fair enough. That means seeing them during the day and the children are of course there. This wasn’t so bad when they were babies but now the stages mean you can’t have any sort of conversation - again, that’s no ones fault, it’s just how it is.

To be totally honest on here in a way I wouldn’t be in RL, I don’t really want to be spending my free time in soft play, farms and child friendly cafes but then this obviously means if I do elicit this choice I don’t see my friends as I fully understand that this is how it has to be.

It also means the onus is on me to see them rather than anyone travelling to see me. I get this - driving three hours with kids in tow is a nightmare - but obviously then I am constantly doing the travel with the time and money this takes up and that also feels a bit unfair.

So is the disparity just too great or can it ever really work? To me, it feels the only way it can work is if I accept my lot in life is to travel, sit and dote on other people’s children and then travel home again ...

OP posts:
Charley50 · 22/10/2019 09:34

I think it's quite tricky when the kids are young, but it gets easier as they grow up and parents get their pre-parent freedoms back to an extent.

Branleuse · 22/10/2019 09:34

surely you can just accept the friendship will be more low-key for a few years?
Ive got many friends who ive kind of kept in contact with over the years, and some ive drifted apart from. Hopefully noone took it personally.
Ive got friends with much younger children and its definitely harder to meet up with them, but its only a phase. Ive been there. Will see them on the other side a bit more hopefully

Nearlyalmost50 · 22/10/2019 09:34

I would say that in general friendships ebb and flow anyway, and I've found that even close friends (both with or without kids) have moved away/on and others I am still close to, so I don't think the deciding factor is children.

Second, long-distance friendships are harder to maintain anyway as you move into your thirties and forties, because even if people don't have children (and a lot do) they get coupled up and often that means holidays/travel in their annual leave, to parents, traveling and so on. Work is busy. Pinning down my childfree friends is just as hard as the ones with children, in fact some of the ones with children have more time in the day to chat if they are not working out of the home!

Ultimately the long weekends with other people who are either single or in a boyfriend/girlfriend but independent situation tends to die off by early-mid thirties I've found. The ones who have kept up the friendships long-term over a long distance are those who have partners who support them going away, kids or no kids, and who prioritise those activities.

Of course children make a difference, but the coupling up and settling down and limited annual leave changes things a lot at this stage you are in anyway.

My strategy is to be a bit sad some friendships haven't stood the test of time, prioritise those that do (but with phone calls, FB, calling in if near, not necessarily full weekends away) and now my children are older, make the most of any trips away to call on people. I've also made new friends at work, and they are either childfree or have older children who have left home so have a good amount of time to meet up for dinner every couple of weeks.

It won't be the same, nothing stands still.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/10/2019 09:35

You need better friends.

I just had a weekend in the Cotswolds. Three of us had kids, three didn't, kids were home with their Dad's. We're not really local to each other any more so make the effort to catch up a few times a year, sometimes with kids and sometimes not.

I'm going out for dinner in a few weeks with friends on an evening, us having kdis is coincidence as we'd have done it before all of us had them anyway. Kids are home with their Dad's.

Sometimes we have play dates in soft play, but I wouldn't organise it if it was me and a childless friend. Sometimes we do coffee and childless bf enjoys seeing DS. Sometimes we do dinner and I leave him home with DH.

I can see its hard if your friends are single parents or their partner works crazy hours, but past breastfeeding, there's really no reason thry can't leave DC at home for an hour beyond personal choice

Howmanychildrentoomanychildren · 22/10/2019 09:36

They absolutely can. My best friend is child free, very much through choice. I love my children but I also love time without them so endeavour to escape leave DC with DH in order to spend quality time with bestie.

Branleuse · 22/10/2019 09:37

ah yeah, i have read some more of your posts. Thats really tricky. You want more of a bestie or close friend type thing, with people who are in the midst of childrearing with very young families. Thats really hard to maintain. Im sorry youre feeling low about it.

BezalHell · 22/10/2019 09:38

It can work but it changes things for a while, in my experience.

Original poster
moonwashigh · 22/10/2019 09:38

Ha preggo you really think I’m coming across as self centred?

Well yes, I am, on here, because I can be honest in a way I can’t in real life.

I have spent what amounts to hundreds upon hundreds of pounds seeing friends, I have sat in soft play centres, gone to farms, held doors open for prams, stood outside freezing my tits off while a toddler tantrums, exclaimed over paintings, pretended to eat plastic food Grin

No, I’m not self centred. I’m sad and a bit lonely right now, but that’s not the same thing.

As I’ve tried to explain repeatedly, it really can’t be avoided. Of course when you have a child you will make that child your priority. That’s not just to be expected but encouraged.

I suppose I’m just wondering what my place in the universe is.

OP posts:
Nearlyalmost50 · 22/10/2019 09:39

there's really no reason thry can't leave DC at home for an hour beyond personal choice- I would say- no husband, useless husband (can't cope with all three at once or whatever) or child who has disability which means they can't be left with childcare, husband works weekend, wife works weekend. either parent too exhausted to be left on their own the whole weekend to facilitate a weekend away.

There's lots of reasons I didn't go away a lot to see friends when my children were little, the main one was with us both working we were completely knackered and used to take it in turns to nap on Sat/Sun! I wouldn't have had the energy for a career and socializing every weekend with two littlies.

Now the children are older, it's soooo much easier.

Original poster
moonwashigh · 22/10/2019 09:40

Truth is, though, they don’t WANT to leave their children - and I understand! I wouldn’t either!

OP posts:
holycrapweasel · 22/10/2019 09:41

My best friend doesn't have kids, and our friendship is stronger now I have my DD. She loves her, and I love my friend more for that. Yes, we have less nights out, but we still do go out together, and regularly make sure we have grown up time away from farms and soft play.

SunshineAngel · 22/10/2019 09:52

It can definitely work, but you both have to want it to. My best friend has two kids, and whereas previously we might have gone for coffee or gone out drinking, I am now more than happy to go to soft play and have a natter, or even go a farm or outdoor play place with them. I end up having a good time sometimes (and sometimes end up playing with the kids more than talking to my friends ha ha - I think growing up is boring!)

I am also equally happy to pop round to hers for a brew and a chat, and she knows her and the kids are welcome at mine. I even have some toys and books that I bought because a lot of my friends have kids now and I don't want them being bored when they're here.

jennymanara · 22/10/2019 09:56

I think you need better friends. I would not be happy to always be the one paying out to travel.

nettie434 · 22/10/2019 09:57

What seems really hard for you is not so much the practicalities of being the one doing the travel and the lack of choice about where to go but seeing your friends with children when you yourself are not childless by choice Flowers

I am older than you and in the same position. My friends are a mixture of those with children and without. Now their children are adults they can go out etc but it is also lovely if we stay in and they join us for dinner sometimes.

I would say that one of my friends has a child with a severe learning disability. In an odd way, my not having children has made it easier. She has said she feels some parents with children do not understand what it is like to be in her position.

So, to answer your question, friendships between parents and non parents do work but, like everything, they do need some give and take.

ohtheholidays · 22/10/2019 10:00

Of course they can,my BF of 40 years couldn't have DC even though she wants them and she would be an amazing Mum,I have 5DC and she is Auntie to all of them and now a very proud Great Aunt to our first Grandchild Smile

I have friends from both ends of the age scale and I've been friends with people before they had children and I already had children and I've been friends with people that had children before I did and it's honestly never had an effect on our friendships.

ILoveToSing · 22/10/2019 10:01

Most of my friends don't have children and our friendships haven't changed at all. Me and DH are going on a long weekend away with about 12 of them and despite me saying I would happily leave DD with my mum, they all wanted her there.

PookieDo · 22/10/2019 10:05

I will go to soft play with my sisters children as they are blood relatives and I genuinely love them and want to go, I am also very involved and really, I’m spending time with them

But I wouldn’t want to socialise with my friends or their DC in soft play otherwise!

jennymanara · 22/10/2019 10:07

Bloody hell most parents don't like soft play. Why would you inflict that on your friends?

SallyWD · 22/10/2019 10:08

I'm a parent and have plenty of friends without kids. I see them in the evening or have a day out with them, very occasionally a weekend away. I love seeing them. It reminds me of who I was before I became "mummy". I would never dream of meeting them with my kids in tow at the soft play!

Original poster
moonwashigh · 22/10/2019 10:09

I can see why. The children are playing, it gives the adults time to catch up, except it doesn’t generally work that way because you have to keep an eye out and because the kids interrupt.

OP posts:
PenelopeFlintstone · 22/10/2019 10:10

I used to drink wine with my friend on the front verandah on a Friday. The upper primary kids weren’t allowed over the threshold! Otherwise we couldnt chat. Would something like that work? Disclaimer- haven’t RTWT

MerryMarigold · 22/10/2019 10:12

It seems more like your friends with children have off expectations. I would not expect my childless friend to spend time v with my kids. An occasional meal followed by DH putting them to bed whilst we chat and drink wine. Or, DH stays home while we meet in the pub. I think your friends are being very unreasonable to expect you to go to child friendly places or farms etc. So these friends not have partners who can share the childcare?

Cautionsharpblade · 22/10/2019 10:12

I feel your pain! My 30s were very lonely as nearly all my friends had children. It was boring as fuck hanging out by the swings on cold damp days or trying to chat in a cafe in between squawks. The good news is that most friends bounce back as the kids get older. Hang on in there!

Damntheman · 22/10/2019 10:12

It's working out well for me! Both of my best friends are child free by choice (as far as I'm aware) and I see them very regularly. My kids are 3 and 6, one of my besties loves my kids and comes early to hang with the kids before we get adult time, my other friend is more ambivalent about my kids so she comes after bed time. I see them more than once a week each - together and seperately, it's lovely.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/10/2019 10:13

- I would say- no husband, useless husband (can't cope with all three at once or whatever) sorry, it's the way I wrote it, I mean it's different for single parents but if you aren't a single parent or aren't breastfeeding then it's possible to leave them with Dad, although it's hard if he works crazy hours.