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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask FIL to stop calling DD his pretty princess?

363 replies

Howdidido · 21/10/2019 17:26

It grates me. DD4 is FILs first grand-daughter. They had 5 some and only grandsons so far.
DD doesn't particularly like being called a princess (except when dressed as a princess) and we're trying to get her to value her kindness and mind more than looks. The problem is she is adorable. (Biased obvs!) Waiters call her a princess and she replies that she's not.
But FIL is always on about how pretty his princess is. It really gets on my nerves
Otherwise lovely grandparents. They do have a tendency to overbuy pint very fluffy/sparkly clothes for her. Lots of princess/unicorn/sparkle stuff.
I know, they've only got 1 GD but can't they big up how clever she is, or strong, or everything else, like they do with all their grandsons?

Any suggestions of what I can say without offending gratefully received!

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 21/10/2019 18:45

You're encouraging her to disparage the way he expresses his love

Or you are agreeing that he only loves her for her looks.

Ninkaninus · 21/10/2019 18:46

I would strongly suggest though, that as your daughter gets older you balance your dislike of terms like princess and pretty with an understanding that a woman absolutely can be a multifaceted person. She does not need to choose between being sexual/having self respect, being pretty/strong, kind/confident, liking make up/being a feminist etc etc etc. It’s not helpful to play into the narrative that a woman can only be one or the other. It’s perfectly possible to be beautiful (and know it), attractive to men and like sex, and strong/clever/ambitious/confident in one’s abilities and worth outside of one’s appearance.

CanThingsChange35 · 21/10/2019 18:48

Brilliantly put @Ninkaninus

mumwon · 21/10/2019 18:49

thinks - have you ever noticed Princess Anne???? She won Olympic Medals for her horsemanship - she is the hardest working member of the royal family (& is as blunt & forthright as her father but perhaps a bit more tactful!) she was nearly kidnaped at gunpoint ….

Tweetingmagpie · 21/10/2019 18:50

I wouldn’t like it either op, yanbu.

MustardScreams · 21/10/2019 18:50

The sooner we stop using appearance based compliments to little girls the better. I see feminism is alive and well on MN.

Don’t upset the MAN for the sake of your dd being called a princess! How awful!

MustardScreams · 21/10/2019 18:51

^ I was being wildly sarcastic I’m case that didn’t come across.

cometothinkofit · 21/10/2019 18:52

If she doesn't like being called a princess then that's the crux of the matter isn't it? Nobody should have to put up with being called a name they don't like just because someone else wants to call them that.

She doesn't want to be called a princess, therefore he needs to be told asked to stop.

kateandme · 21/10/2019 18:57

they are terms of endeament! for christ sake your daughter needs not to catch your pc bullshit.there is a limit we should be taking this.especially on kids that cnt cope with being called princess which to her gd has non of the conitation our generation are putting on it.
plus they are meant to call us silly names we prob hate.i came name a few mine did and now we laugh at them.
you are putting this on ur child.
let her and him go.

ThatMuppetShow · 21/10/2019 18:59

Don’t upset the MAN for the sake of your dd being called a princess! How awful!

FFS Hmm

The replies would have been identical if the IL was the GRAND-MOTHER.

Pinkyyy · 21/10/2019 18:59

YABU.

kateandme · 21/10/2019 18:59

plus they are meant to by us shocking clothes we hate.what you do is birng them ho me,laugh cringe and put them in the st jons ambulance bag.

CravingCheese · 21/10/2019 19:00

It doesn't seem to me like the OP objects to pretty princess as a term of endearment. But it's apparently pretty much the only term of endearment, the compliments seem to be exclusively appearance based.

Whereas the male grandchildren are never complimented about their appearance. And their compliments and terms of endearment aren't confined to pretty and handsome princes. They get compliments about cleverness, strength, talent etc...!

That's a clear disparity. And it's imo quite obvious how someone may dislike that happening to their own DD.
I dislike these kinds of double standards. My family was rife with them and they had an impact.

however I still don't think (not sure) I'd say anything unless the grandparents were in any way involved in raising the OP's dd. (holidays, regular afternoons etc....)

WorraLiberty · 21/10/2019 19:01

She doesn't want to be called a princess, therefore he needs to be told asked to stop.

The OP hasn't said this. She's only said she doesn't like it.

She mentioned her DD tells waiters that she's not. She hasn't mentioned how her DD feels about her grandad calling her Princess.

My grandad used to call me 'flower' and I'll always have fond memories of that. If anyone else had tried to call me that, they'd have got short shrift Grin

Notajogger · 21/10/2019 19:02

Yanbu. Its part of the drip drip drip of socialisation
This.

Geneva1995 · 21/10/2019 19:03

He obviously just adores his granddaughter. Leave him be

Reallynowdear · 21/10/2019 19:06

YABU

Zebraaa · 21/10/2019 19:07

Worlds gone mad.

bluebells100 · 21/10/2019 19:07

There’s isn’t really a suitable word of endearment to recognise how clever/kind she is though is there. He’s hardly going to say “hello my little brain box/kind girl” is he. I wouldn’t say anything to him, he enjoys having a little grandaughter, don’t spoil his joy. He’s doing no harm. Better than him being a miserable indifferent grandad.

Stonerosie67 · 21/10/2019 19:08

What an absolute non issue. He calls her princess, you counteract it. I couldn't get wound up about stuff like this....

JaniceBattersby · 21/10/2019 19:08

Frozen Two’s out soon. For the next two years, pretty much every girl is going to be trotting around in a pale blue sparkly dress singing whichever annoying ‘big’ musical number they’ve written for it. You have bigger battles ahead of you OP... Grin

RubbingHimSourly · 21/10/2019 19:08

I've always called my DC beautiful, pretty etc (( DS included )) I've got the brains to know that a term of endearment will have absolutely no impact on their future selves tho.

Well other than DS banning me from tagging him in photos titled 'my beautiful boy' on Facebook.

Bananapancakes3 · 21/10/2019 19:09

I totally get your point in terms of little girls getting their looks complimented and little boys getting told their smart/funny/brave etc. I do think it's important to teach girls to value things other than looks.

However I think as a parent this is for you to instil in your daughter and it's unlikely her grandfather's comments will overrule your lessons. In fact I think it's particularly important to teach your daughter to ignore people who place so much value on looks as she will likely encounter such people for the rest of her life.

If she really doesn't like it she can ask him not to. I had a few nicknames from family members as a child which I didn't like and I just asked them not to call me them anymore

CravingCheese · 21/10/2019 19:10

He’s hardly going to say “hello my little brain box/kind girl” is he. I wouldn’t say anything to him, he enjoys having a little grandaughter, don’t spoil his

He seems to manage when it comes to his male grandchildren!
He doesn't call his grandson a pretty prince, does he?

cornish009 · 21/10/2019 19:10

Sometimes I think the world of Mumsnet is one I do not understand. There is so much real horror out there...and being called Princess by a loving grandparent is, well, just lovely. What a shame this is even an issue at all.

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