To ask FIL to stop calling DD his pretty princess?

[Howdidido]

It grates me. DD4 is FILs first grand-daughter. They had 5 some and only grandsons so far.
DD doesn't particularly like being called a princess (except when dressed as a princess) and we're trying to get her to value her kindness and mind more than looks. The problem is she is adorable. (Biased obvs!) Waiters call her a princess and she replies that she's not.
But FIL is always on about how pretty his princess is. It really gets on my nerves
Otherwise lovely grandparents. They do have a tendency to overbuy pint very fluffy/sparkly clothes for her. Lots of princess/unicorn/sparkle stuff.
I know, they've only got 1 GD but can't they big up how clever she is, or strong, or everything else, like they do with all their grandsons?

Any suggestions of what I can say without offending gratefully received!

It shouldn't be difficult TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre. I agree children should be free to choose, without judgment. Its just unfortunate that society attempts to reinforce such gender stereotypes and judges those that deviate. It's everywhere.

Gender stereotyping limits everyone. I find it bizarre that the op on this thread is being criticized. When her FIL is gender stereotyping her children. As a previous poster said, it's insidious. It's not as simple as simply expressing affection. It's how it's done.

I have nothing against a girl being called pretty or a princess. Or a boy being called strong. It's the division between the 2 that I have a problem with. If the use of terms was equal, then fine. But it isn't. That's my issue with it.

That and the apparent discomfort in the child about being called 'pretty princess'.

My grandmother always called me "queen" and "princess" growing up and it grated on me, I hated it, even as a kid. As an adult she's still doing it and I'm even more uncomfortable about it.

If your DD doesn't like it tell him so and tell him to stop calling her something she doesn't like. Don't worry about coming across as rude.

My grandad called me his princess until the day he died. I was 35, my dd's were his little princesses.

It didn't do any harm, I wasn't gender stereotyped by it, and I'm not a princess type because of it. It was his way of showing me how special I was to him and I adored him.

"Gender stereotyping limits everyone. I find it bizarre that the op on this thread is being criticized."

I agree with op but wouldn't upset a doting grandad. Everyone else in her life will counteract his insidious gender stereotyping. If dd is not happy with it she'll tell him, as she does complete strangers. When she's older, if he's still doing it, op can use it as a teaching experience for her child.

There's a difference between discouraging sexual stereotyping, and leaping on every gendered word, whatever the circumstances of its use.

Plenty of successful women have posted here about being called princess by someone they love, yet mending cars, working in STEM fields etc.

Her loving Grandad's pet name is not going to decide her future or the way she sees herself. But being adored by him is going to contribute to her feeling secure, loved, and confident. That's something that the other influences in her life won't be able to give her.
I'd say the balance is firmly in favour of her grandad's expression of affection.

But it's not even clear from the OP that the child has a problem with her grandad referring to her in this way. She says she corrects waiters, but that she doesn't seem bothered by her grandad.

Her posts are full of "I don't like..", "I have a thing about..", "I think..." but there's very little mention of what the child herself thinks other than she doesn't seem bothered by her grandad and she corrects waiters.

I think OP would be better off observing the relationship between her daughter and her fil, and see how it goes. If the child seems happy and comfortable with her grandad, then there's no need to interfere.

The child likes a lot of things that aren't "princessy", so I don't think granddad's term of indearment is enforcing any sort of gender stereotype on her.

Poor princess Charlotte, eh?! She'll obviously grow up gender stereotyped what with her being an actual princess and not allowed to do anything outside of dream of unicorns and sprinkle glitter on pictures of Teddy bears.

Hard to imagine her great-grandmother was a mechanic...

Let them enjoy her. You can always counteract by calling him grandpa sparkle as HE chooses to buy such things but why make an
Issue when there really isn’t one. In the big picture a doting grandpa isn’t going to change the course of her life no matter what soppy pet names he uses.

Funny how the male gets to carry on regardless of 2 females feeling.

why do you think it would make any difference if we were talking abou te grand-mother

Ffs

This is a ridiculous post
Get over yourself. It's sweet of her grandad.

Bet you complained to always about the sign on their pads.

I feel sorry for your child

Don't be so ridiculous OP. How dare you have an opinion on your daughter's socialisation since it might affect the poor old man's feelings. Your dd should suck it up too!

Just when you think we're getting somewhere with awareness of female socialisation.

Repost this in FWR, plenty of women who understand this issue are there.

YABU.
Children are small for such a short time and grandparents are with us for too few years.
Your father-in-law is using the term of affection, not trying to make a political point. Please don't try to make it into something it isn't. Their relationship won't last forever because nature doesn't allow that but while it exists it's good to nurture around encourage it.

My Grandad used to call me "Sausage". It's a peculiar nickname and I'm not sure I've ever liked it but I wish to god he was still here to call me it now.

It doesn't actually matter whether you find it annoying or not, it's not offensive, and as long as you and your DH are praising her for kindness and her mind etc, I don't think it won't hold her back at all.

If your DD finds it annoying, then she should be the one to ask him to stop. I'm sure if she can tell an anonymous waiter that she's not a princess, then she can tell her grandfather. If you do it, he may be upset, but if SHE does it, then I'm sure he'll agree happily, as he seems to adore her from your OP. :) Surely that would be a win, win situation all round ?

whatwould well quite. honestly despair reading AIBU most days.....

You need to get over yourself.

I'm guessing you're a sah, snowflake mum who thinks this is an actual issue.

I'm not a SAHM and have two adopted DCs who had been through more before birth than most of us go through in a lifetime, one of whom has SEN.
I still think this is an issue. Sexism is one of the most important issues in the world today. In fact if my DCs' birth parents had more equal relationships they might still be with them.

Why are you using SAHM as an insult Dandelion?

I'm not a SHM. But I think that's completely irrelevant.
I'm also not a stuck up middle class twat.

The fact that this question has over 14 pages of comments, only about 5 of which are mine suggests this is a much bigger issue than it had occurred to me- people seem to be getting very het up about it!
Tbh I'm much more concerned about the people who have been really attacking me for even asking. It bothers me that anyone (but in particular my FIL who adores her) only focus on complimenting looks. But I understand it doesn't bother everyone.
It does worry me that it makes really strange people angry that it bothers me! How can you be so angry with a person you don't know, because I don't like something my FIL does? I think perhaps there is something wrong in your lives to be so rude.

Anyway about 5 pages back I said I wasn't going to explicitly say anything. But I would make a point about bigging up all her other qualities when he did it. So no-one is offended and DD learns that many things can be good qualities, not just looks (and I will continue to call her gorgeous, amongst all the other things I call her)

And anyone else who wants to just jump on the title, please RTT!

This is another AIBU - yes you are. "No I'm not because.....and you are all rude".

You clearly don't think you are in the wrong OP. So why even come here to ask?

Get her to request an upgrade to Queen anyway.
I do a big grin and Rosie the Riveter biceps pose when DD does something requiring strength, especially in front of the sparkly princess gushers. She loves it. Especially when I say "Well done my powerful". I remember loving the biceps pose when I was little and demanded everyone feel my muscles, and my mum developing a look of mild distaste, because it "wasn't very ladylike". Fuck that.
(DD also preens when she's called clever, or beautiful, or kind, all of which I call her).

A grandad that loves his grandchild. That's the part to focus on. You're being overly pc here.

Actually @SarahNade i disagree. Ive listened. Lots of people think IABU but lots don't. I've taken on board what those who do think I am are saying and have said I won't be saying anything to FIL about it. I've also listened to those who don't and will be just bigging DD up even more around FIL on her other qualities. Just providing balance for what he says.

The people who haven't read the thread (or at least havent read what Ive said- who think I'm just upset at DD being called princess, or think I'm just upset at FIL saying she's pretty- those are the people I was talking about. And I would say it's more than half of those who have said IABU that just haven't understood (because they haven't really read what I said) and just leapt on the title.