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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask FIL to stop calling DD his pretty princess?

363 replies

Howdidido · 21/10/2019 17:26

It grates me. DD4 is FILs first grand-daughter. They had 5 some and only grandsons so far.
DD doesn't particularly like being called a princess (except when dressed as a princess) and we're trying to get her to value her kindness and mind more than looks. The problem is she is adorable. (Biased obvs!) Waiters call her a princess and she replies that she's not.
But FIL is always on about how pretty his princess is. It really gets on my nerves
Otherwise lovely grandparents. They do have a tendency to overbuy pint very fluffy/sparkly clothes for her. Lots of princess/unicorn/sparkle stuff.
I know, they've only got 1 GD but can't they big up how clever she is, or strong, or everything else, like they do with all their grandsons?

Any suggestions of what I can say without offending gratefully received!

OP posts:
NarwhalsNarwhals · 21/10/2019 19:10

My dad calls my baby sister (his youngest) his pretty little princess, as a child she was constantly told how pretty she is because she is beautiful, shes tiny, has long blonde curly hair, huge blue eyes, looks like butter wouldn't melt. She is also the least princessy young lady I have ever met and once filled my bathtub with mud so her and DD could play archaeologists with her plastic dinosaurs.

She knows her value, she knows what she is and isn't good at, I've seen her put our 6ft rugby player brother in his place with a single look and she knows she is smarter than the rest of us put together, Dad calling her princess genuinely hasn't turned her in to one.

Kittenbittenmitten · 21/10/2019 19:12

Get a grip. It's because she's young and cute. I have a son and he's called a "beautiful little boy" by many older family members.

dogcrazy · 21/10/2019 19:13

Or you are agreeing that he only loves her for her looks
Hmm what an overreaction. OP has said he’s a good grandparent.

edwinbear · 21/10/2019 19:16

OP I’m confused as to why you assume being a ‘princess’ is a reference to her looks? Hmm I call DD princess all the time but it’s got nothing at all to do with her looks. It’s just a general term of endearment. You are reading far too much into this and you need to revisit your own generalisations frankly.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 21/10/2019 19:22

I'm really surprised MN thinks this is ok, I hated being called a princess as a child, I used to say no I'm not, (because I saw them as simpering and helpless always in need of rescuing) and then I'd get told I was being rude... My DN of her own accord says no I'm a super hero and charges around the room. I love her.

orangesgrapes · 21/10/2019 19:22

I don't like the word princess either for little girls. The world is most definitely not equal and it starts with how we treat very young children. And it's the small things like this that DO matter. He treats her differently than her brothers and that's the issue here. There are plenty terms of endearment which don't revolve around fairytales and helpless girls waiting for their prince.

drspouse · 21/10/2019 19:22

My DS is the only grandson and my DPs don't call him "my little bruiser" or go on about how strong he is.
DD says she is a queen, not a princess. YANBU at all.

edwinbear · 21/10/2019 19:26

lionelritchie do you think of Kate Middleton as “simpering and helpless”? Hmm

tillytoodles1 · 21/10/2019 19:27

I call my granddaughter "my beautiful princess" all the time. She's 10 and smiles at me when I say it.

Drabarni · 21/10/2019 19:27

What's to say all these Princesses are pretty, some might be beautiful inside but not particularly pretty on the outside.
We can't all be beautiful and I think it's setting girls up to fail or feel like they have.
This to me is just as important to point out.
Luckily I have a dh who also feels the same, so we don't have Princesses in our family, unless someone else does and I roll my eyes.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 21/10/2019 19:28

@mumwon I've met Princess Anne in a professional capacity and she's the only Princess I'd be ok being likened to. She was engaging, interested genuinely so, very sharp and had excellent knowledge of the area I work in which was surprising in a pleasant way. She asked probing questions and follow ups it clearly wasn't a script and shared a political opinion on the industry. She was excellent.

CravingCheese · 21/10/2019 19:29

The OP could also provide her daughter with tales and examples of strong and capable princesses.

One thing my parents definitely did right (imo) was to get us kids a book with fairytales about strong princesses and (non evil) queens. I adored it...

tiredybear · 21/10/2019 19:31

it's the ONLY complimenting her on her appearance and treating her differently to the males thats the issue. It's 2019, FFS!
Girls have enough pressure about how they look, we should all take responsibility to break these stereotypes that girl's value, first and foremost, is in their appearance. And crucially, the child has said herself she doesn't like it. I'd be pissed off too. Maybe something along the lines of " she's not a princess today, today she's ..." could be a gentle way to start. He obviously doesn't MEAN any harm (but intent and impact and all that!)

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 21/10/2019 19:31

@edwinbear as much as I like her, yes. She's given up her freedom, education and potential to follow a not so bright balding man around the world as his companion. She's told how to dress, how to behave, how to raise her children, she's not allowed to choice an opinion. It's not a life I'd want or circumstances I'd be able to live in and be comfortable as myself.

Aridane · 21/10/2019 19:35

YABU - amazed that 35% think YANBU!!

kateandme · 21/10/2019 19:35

and i know this wont sit well either but i dont think there is anything wrong with her boys and girls being treated differently.we ARE DIFFERENT.we do have natural and inbuilt strengths.and like it or not our roles in life can be different too.now that isnt to say we shouldnt teach eacohter that we can do both.or do as good as the other sex but there is nothign wrong having roles in life sometimes more fixed so we can live alongside eacohter helping eacohter out.
there should be always the ability to swap these roles but generally boys and girls should be/can be different.to support,care and love eachother as we do so.

bluebells100 · 21/10/2019 19:36

He seems to manage when it comes to his male grandchildren!

He doesn't call his grandson a pretty prince, does he.

Well I have a grandson, and I often call him “my gorgeous boy”.

edwinbear · 21/10/2019 19:38

lionel I don’t know her, nor do I know how much influence she has on those matters. But I like to think she married him because she loves him. And she weighed up those factors when choosing to marry him. That she cracks on with good grace makes her a pretty awesome princess in my book Smile

saraclara · 21/10/2019 19:39

to follow a not so bright balding man

What's his head of hair got to do with anything @LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook? Seriously? You look down on a man because he's balding? That's worse than anything in the OP.

kateandme · 21/10/2019 19:42

to follow a not so bright balding man
errm judging someone on looks???

edwinbear · 21/10/2019 19:43

Is it just me thinking about Shrek right now?? GrinGrin

Ginger1982 · 21/10/2019 19:45

FFS, you are being completely ridiculous 🙄

RhodaDendron · 21/10/2019 19:46

Hate the Princess thing! I think YANBU. My DD hurt her face when she was four and my FIL said ‘don’t worry, you’re still a beautiful princess’. She was so confused! It hadn’t occurred to her to think about her appearance or her ‘status’ until he said that. I interjected with ‘don’t worry, you’ll be able to play outside again soon.’
I think PP are being dismissive and it’s more pernicious than most think.

Livelovebehappy · 21/10/2019 19:49

Does your dd really dislike her DGF calling her princess or is it you who is projecting? Let her be who she wants to be and not be who you want her to be. You’re being absolutely ridiculous.

MaeveDidIt · 21/10/2019 19:51

How lovely.
There's just no pleasing some people.