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Original poster

To ask FIL to stop calling DD his pretty princess?

363 replies

Howdidido · 21/10/2019 17:26

It grates me. DD4 is FILs first grand-daughter. They had 5 some and only grandsons so far.
DD doesn't particularly like being called a princess (except when dressed as a princess) and we're trying to get her to value her kindness and mind more than looks. The problem is she is adorable. (Biased obvs!) Waiters call her a princess and she replies that she's not.
But FIL is always on about how pretty his princess is. It really gets on my nerves
Otherwise lovely grandparents. They do have a tendency to overbuy pint very fluffy/sparkly clothes for her. Lots of princess/unicorn/sparkle stuff.
I know, they've only got 1 GD but can't they big up how clever she is, or strong, or everything else, like they do with all their grandsons?

Any suggestions of what I can say without offending gratefully received!

OP posts:
CanThingsChange35 · 21/10/2019 18:09

My parents were insistent on never praising my looks, being overly concerned with me being "big headed". I was repeatedly scouted as a child by modelling and acting agencies which my parents always turned down. I'm ok with that actually as not keen on child modelling but the point is my parents had a "thing" about never referring to my looks in a positive way, deftly deflecting any praise from other people etc because it didn't align with their personal beliefs. Nobody referred to me as a princess and it was very hard to hear other children around me being praised for their looks or called pretty or a princess because my family essentially banned it.

When people would see me out with my parents and say "what a pretty girl", "you look just like a princess" or whatever, I'd react quite negatively and say I didn't like it or "No I'm not!" or I'd hide my face away. Not really because I didn't like it, but because I knew my parents had massive issues about it.

I still have very low self esteem and can't take a physical compliment or one that's based in anything but being competent and hardworking. I massively resent my parents for screwing me up with their projections and own issues. I'd never inflict this on a child, it's very unfair.

Your child will not be emotionally damaged from her grandfather calling her princess. Nor will she be damaged by having something pink or sparkly. She may be damaged by continuously having her mother become visibly uncomfortable whenever she is told she is pretty or called a princess by a loving grandfather.

Lowlandlucky · 21/10/2019 18:09

Some children get called little fuckers, little bastards and a particular favourite here in Scotland, little cunts. Which one would you prefer OP ?

emmetgirl · 21/10/2019 18:10

I completely sympathise. My DD is 24 now and she was very beautiful as a little girl (and still is now as a woman). She was also very bright and articulate but people always focused on her looks. I made a point of praising her achievements to try and balance it out a bit. She's gone on to get a degree in chemistry!

StarBubbles · 21/10/2019 18:12

I can't believe people don't see the issue with calling girls and boys different terms of endearment when they're young. How are we ever going to achieve gender equality when girls and boys are still treated differently at the age of four? They'll grow up with this bias.

The OP has clearly stated that the issue is that he calls her a pretty princess instead of calling her strong and clever as he woukd his grandsons. If it was "as well as" and he did it for both genders, it would be different.

mamandematribu · 21/10/2019 18:13

Biscuit ❄️ seriously

titchy · 21/10/2019 18:14

Your child will not be emotionally damaged from her grandfather calling her princess. Nor will she be damaged by having something pink or sparkly. She may be damaged by continuously having her mother become visibly uncomfortable whenever she is told she is pretty or called a princess by a loving grandfather.

Hear hear.

mamandematribu · 21/10/2019 18:15

That are being nice to their only grand daughter. What is the issue?? Would you prefer they called her ugly or something similar?

RainyParis · 21/10/2019 18:15

I agree with you OP, this would piss me off.

Responding to pp's - no, there is nothing wrong with telling someone they are pretty, but if it is disproportionate compared to other types of praise and feedback given to the child / to male GC's then it is annoying and actually conditions the child to grow up valuing that 'quality' above others as it id the thing that has gained her validation as a child. Isn't that obvious?

Alwaysrainsonme · 21/10/2019 18:15

So sad that anyone would object to a term of endearment from a devoted grandparent.

My DC’s GP don’t give a damn about him. I’d happily swap. You don’t know how lucky you are.

Ninkaninus · 21/10/2019 18:15

I completely agree with you. I wouldn’t like it either, unless other qualities were mentioned first, and with equal value attached.

Being told you’re pretty and a princess every time someone sees you sets a very specific agenda as to what female qualities actually matter.

notacooldad · 21/10/2019 18:16

But also i don't want DD to think being a princess is the best thing
But she is not going to think that as other people are mentioning other qualities as well.
If everyone was saying how pretty she is and not mentioning other qualities I could see your point but theres enough balance round her to counter grandad's compliments.

Evilmorty · 21/10/2019 18:16

My DD always answers, I’m not a princess, I’m a QUEEN!

ThatMuppetShow · 21/10/2019 18:16

Your child will not be emotionally damaged from her grandfather calling her princess. Nor will she be damaged by having something pink or sparkly. She may be damaged by continuously having her mother become visibly uncomfortable whenever she is told she is pretty or called a princess by a loving grandfather.

absolutely!

Marinemarie · 21/10/2019 18:17

can't believe people don't see the issue with calling girls and boys different terms of endearment when they're young. How are we ever going to achieve gender equality when girls and boys are still treated differently at the age of four? They'll grow up with this bias
Because I’m sure the vast majority of us were called ‘princess’ etc as young children and probably took no notice of it. It’s one of those things that in the real world, just isn’t a big deal unless you look very very deeply in order to be outraged.
Whoever said ‘I was called ‘princess’ as a child and so I never went into a STEM field’..?...um, that’s right; nobody

rededucator · 21/10/2019 18:17

What's wrong with being a princess? Can princesses not be clever or like science? Perhaps it's your own stereotypes you want to reconsider.

saraclara · 21/10/2019 18:17

The most important thing for a child is to know they're loved.

Her grandad loves her and uses a term of endearment that he reserves especially for her. You're encouraging her to disparage the way he expresses his love. And telling him that he shouldn't call her that would be an unnecessarily unkind act.

Now my kids are grown up, I realise that lots of things that I thought mattered a lot when they were young, really didn't. And the way a grandparent expresses his love in a pet name isn't a feminist issue, and it won't influence who she turns out to be.

InsertFunnyUsername · 21/10/2019 18:19

I am yet to meet an adult who has been shocked to realise they arent in fact a princess like there Dad said.

lazylinguist · 21/10/2019 18:19

I'm so sick of anything 'girly' being seen as wrong.

It's not about that. It's about the fact that little girls are constantly complimented based on their appearance and boys not so much.

TroysMammy · 21/10/2019 18:19

Stamps feet. I've never been anyone's Princess in a good or bad way. It's not fair.

Queenoftheashes · 21/10/2019 18:19

I agree with @StarBubbles and @Ninkaninus. He doesn’t mean to cause any harm I’m sure but girls being reduced to ornaments at the age of four is not good.

Bluerussian · 21/10/2019 18:23

It's nice, it won't hurt your daughter for her grandfather to call her a pretty princess. If everyone did and appeared to value how she looks above everything else it might be a problem but not from grandpa!

(I would have loved someone to call me a pretty princess when I was a little girl. Nobody did!)

LemonScentedStickyBat · 21/10/2019 18:25

Same situation here. It lessened once dd got to 7 or so and PILs started to believe that she really wasn’t into “girly” stuff, it wasn’t just DP and I trying to spoil their fun.

They would buy the boys Lego and engineering kits - stuff to actually do - and dd would get hairbands and necklaces. Every time. And all comments were about her appearance - stark contrast to the conversations with the boys. I don’t know how anyone can think this is ok tbh.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 21/10/2019 18:25

You are being utterly ridiculous.

Bluerussian · 21/10/2019 18:27

lazylinguist
I'm so sick of anything 'girly' being seen as wrong.

It's not about that. It's about the fact that little girls are constantly complimented based on their appearance and boys not so much.
.......
Hee hee, my son was always being told how pretty he was and what lovely curly hair he had, etc, when he was little.

When puberty started he turned into a big blokeish bloke and it stopped.

RainyParis · 21/10/2019 18:28

You are not being utterly ridiculous OP.