To ask FIL to stop calling DD his pretty princess?

[Howdidido]

It grates me. DD4 is FILs first grand-daughter. They had 5 some and only grandsons so far.
DD doesn't particularly like being called a princess (except when dressed as a princess) and we're trying to get her to value her kindness and mind more than looks. The problem is she is adorable. (Biased obvs!) Waiters call her a princess and she replies that she's not.
But FIL is always on about how pretty his princess is. It really gets on my nerves
Otherwise lovely grandparents. They do have a tendency to overbuy pint very fluffy/sparkly clothes for her. Lots of princess/unicorn/sparkle stuff.
I know, they've only got 1 GD but can't they big up how clever she is, or strong, or everything else, like they do with all their grandsons?

Any suggestions of what I can say without offending gratefully received!

I get that it bugs you, but if she has several other adults in her life who praise her intelligence, creativty, whatever. It seems unlikely because one person says it that she will default to the thinking that a "pretty princess" is all she is. I'd let this one go.

My grandad called me Tin Legs as a child as I was such a skinny little thing. I think of the nickname fondly. I really couldn’t get wound up about an obvious term of endearment. 🤷‍♀️

I get the annoyance. My in laws are similar.
They buy my son ‘boy things’ and my daughter ‘girl things’. But as the younger child she just loves whatever her older brother likes! I find it annoying but I could
Never forbid them from
Doing anything. Instead I try to model
Good behaviour ! I don’t dress my daughter in pink or sparkles, I use the same terms of endearment for them both, I make it clear that she loves football and climbing and mud just as much as her brother.

So many pps are missing the point. It's fine to call a little girl a pretty princess, as long as that isn't made the only defining quality. However I prefer to stick to 'you're amazing!' comments and complement my children and my nieces and nephews about their achievements, not the arrangement of facial and physical features that they were born with.

First world problems.

Grandad is being affectionate, if you criticise he may feel uncomfortable and not be as affectionate in case he gets it wrong. Leave them be.

Teach your dd pretty isnt important at other times.

She was also very bright and articulate but people always focused on her looks. I made a point of praising her achievements to try and balance it out a bit. She's gone on to get a degree in chemistry!

In other words, people focusing on her looks didn't affect her ability to get a good degree because she thought all she was was pretty?

I’m not into princess stuff at all, and neither is DD - she never was. But when it comes to GPs, I would really let it slide. It doesn’t matter at all what FIL calls DD - she will get her values from you, not him. It is incumbent upon you to show that you value her for being clever, funny, fast and strong. In an ideal world FIL would get on with the programme, but you can’t force him to. So YABU and a little unkind - he is using a term of endearment.

Funny story though - my MIL had words with one of her friends as they each called their respective GDs (my DD and another girl, born two days apart) their ‘princess’, and they both claimed the exclusive use of the word and wanted the other to stop using it! 🤷🏼‍♀️ The two girls only met once when they were babies, so it’s not as if the confusion was ruining our lives 😂.

My daughter is not at all link or a princess. However I tell her she’s pretty everyday because she absolutely is she’s beautiful. But I also call her pretty because she has a kind heart, she’s always happy and has a gorgeous personality. Equally I tell her that she is strong and can achieve everything she wants to.

My friend refers to her son as her ‘handsome little prince’.
I’ll tell her to stop at once.

However I prefer to stick to 'you're amazing!' comments and complement my children and my nieces and nephews about their achievements, not the arrangement of facial and physical features that they were born with.

fine with your own children, but as long as it's a compliment, it doesn't matter what a relative call them, that's the whole point. Up to the parents to ensure that their daughter's life goal is not to become the next Kate Middleton, a grand-parent calling a little girl a princess has not consequence whatsoever.

Now if a school teacher was commenting on my child's look instead of their ability, I would be very concerned! Their grand-dad? Who cares, as long as the kid feels love.

Grand-parents only buy glittery rainbow unicorn thingy? So what. Parents can buy gender neutral science or diy kits.

Oh leave him alone.

I'm sure you, her dad, the rest of her family and her teachers will be mentioning all her other qualities.

One grandparent calling her pretty princess won't make a jot of difference.

Let him enjoy it. Maybe she will say something as she does to waiters.

It’s just lovely he adores her so much and you honestly sound petty.

Yes he calls her pretty princess but your balancing it out by complimenting the otherstuff she does so it,s not all she hears. She is the only granddaughter so he may want to spoil her. Isn,t it grandparents privelidge.

I totally get where youre coming from, but I do still call my dd princess, even though she is a tomboy with short cropped hair and combats.

I think as everyone else is valuing her other attributes, then she will be less at risk of thinking her value is in her prettiness only

So she doesn't like it? Would she say so?

If my FIL started called me "his ageing queen" (ok so doesn't have quite the right ring to it) I'll tell him to stop. So why should your daughter tolerate someone calling her something she dislikes? I think it would have more strength coming from her than from you because of the risk of him taking the same perspective as those posters who apparently can't see the problem.

Maybe she can value his kindness, he is being nice .

@InsertFunnyUsername Maybe not. But have you yet to meet a young woman (or in fact probably the vast majority of women) for whom their appearance, attractiveness and sexual currency isn’t interminably intermingled with their sense of self worth to a vastly disproportionate level? These things matter. Girls and women get enough harmful messages from society about where their supposed value lies, they do not need it constantly reinforced from one or more of their loved and trusted familial influences.

@Howdidido You don’t need to be unkind about it, though. Just explain and ask him to make a concerted effort to praise various aspects of her character and personality and behaviour, along with calling her princess.

Seriously, I've been a feminist since adolescence, but this OP and the posts supporting it make me feel really sad.

Please don't spoil it for him. He loves her.

Your poor kid OP.

Nothing wrong with calling her a pretty princess. But if the compliments are exclusively appearance based?

I absolutely see how that would grate. So no, YANBU. but I think I'd try to offset that by how you're raising her, complimenting her etc. Unless her grandparents are regularly involved in actual childcare.

But if they're the birthday / Christmas / family get together grandparents? Probably not. But I'm not 100% sure.

Maybe not. But have you yet to meet a young woman (or in fact probably the vast majority of women) for whom their appearance, attractiveness and sexual currency isn’t interminably intermingled with their sense of self worth to a vastly disproportionate level? These things matter.

That was absolutely the case for me. Only started to feel comfortable in my mid 20ies. And I'm still not where I want to be..

It’s a term of endearment. Everyone calls my grand daughter princess although it may soon change to diva. We call our grandson puppy obviously we use their names as well but 👑 and 🐶 is so much quicker when txting. 😁

I get it. My girl gets this quite a bit. Her answer now is 'yes like Rapunzel who fought off xyz' or 'yes like Merida. She was very brave and did xyz' or 'yes like Anna, she fought hard and saved Elsa'. People get the hint quite quickly that there's more to the princess persona.