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Original poster

To ask FIL to stop calling DD his pretty princess?

363 replies

Howdidido · 21/10/2019 17:26

It grates me. DD4 is FILs first grand-daughter. They had 5 some and only grandsons so far.
DD doesn't particularly like being called a princess (except when dressed as a princess) and we're trying to get her to value her kindness and mind more than looks. The problem is she is adorable. (Biased obvs!) Waiters call her a princess and she replies that she's not.
But FIL is always on about how pretty his princess is. It really gets on my nerves
Otherwise lovely grandparents. They do have a tendency to overbuy pint very fluffy/sparkly clothes for her. Lots of princess/unicorn/sparkle stuff.
I know, they've only got 1 GD but can't they big up how clever she is, or strong, or everything else, like they do with all their grandsons?

Any suggestions of what I can say without offending gratefully received!

OP posts:
NightLion · 22/10/2019 06:24

It would annoy me too, OP. YANBU

itsmecathycomehome · 22/10/2019 08:37

I can see why you find it annoying, and I would too.

But if he is the only person in her life that does this, then it really won't be a problem because you, her dad, and everyone else in her life will be countering it with the more meaningful compliments.

A bit like grandparents give you too many sweets and let you stay up too late when they're babysitting, but you know it's the exception and not the norm.

As she gets older and has genuine academic, sporting, musical achievements I am sure he will branch out and compliment her on those things too.

And, when she's old enough, and if he still does it, it can be a teaching tool can't it? In fact, she'll probably mention it to him herself.

drspouse · 22/10/2019 08:49

As she gets older and has genuine academic, sporting, musical achievements I am sure he will branch out and compliment her on those things too.
I'm not sure at all that he will. And not all children will even have "genuine achievements" in those areas. Things like learning her letters, learning to count, trying hard at something difficult, are achievements NOW.

jinglebitch · 22/10/2019 08:57

"Pc gone mad"...and yet this is what we accept as normal fro. The Daily Mail. Reece Witherspoon-extraordinary actress and ground breaking producer of tv and films starring, written by and about women.."but how can I starve for 16 hours a day so I can look like her", and Amanda Holden has broken her leg...so here's 2 pictures of her in a bikini.
You will read this and think I'm overreacting, but please take a second to ask yourself: is that really ok? And if David Walliams broke his leg, what would the picture be that they'd use?
So where does all this start? Is it possible that its teaching little girls that what is most important is how they look, so they become desensitised and don't even question adult women constantly being objectified for financial gain.

To ask FIL to stop calling DD his pretty princess?
smaragda · 22/10/2019 08:57

I do see where you are coming from, but I would try to change YOUR perception of what a princess is-look at Disney princesses Milan and Merida-strong, saving the day. Also books like the paper bag princess and princess smartypants. Change the narrative my dear, it doesn't have to be cutesy simpering princesses waiting to be rescued-give her princesses that are clever, strong, kind and proactive!

HappydaysArehere · 22/10/2019 09:03

To be told continually you are a princess by a doting grandparent.
Well that is terrible!!!
Of course there is more to her but to she will always remember her grandad’s affectionate naming when she is older and needs some buoying up.

saraclara · 22/10/2019 09:13

One thing I want to know is the people on here defending the FIL: how do you feel about young boys being told ‘big boys don’t cry’ ‘stop acting like a girl’ ‘be a man’ etc etc.

The two things are not remotely comparable. A term of endearment is not about telling someone to change their behaviour. Grandad is telling the child that he loves her how she is. In your scenario someone is telling the boy that how he is is NOT acceptable and he needs to change.

MustardScreams · 22/10/2019 09:17

@saraclara it is though. It’s people using language without actually thinking of the long term connotations and effects.

Letthemysterybe · 22/10/2019 09:41

Grandad is telling the child that he loves her how she is.

Well no. She doesn’t see herself as a princess. So he loves his particular version of her rather than her own.

OrangeTwirl · 22/10/2019 09:44

My grandson is on his way here atm. I must remember not to say, "Good Morning Handsome Boy" in case it does some irreparable damage.
Only joking.... Girls have been called Pretty, Princess, Gorgeous....as terms of endearment forever. Boys are very often referred to as Handsome, Gorgeous, Prince. I very much doubt any of them have suffered because of it.

Theredjellybean · 22/10/2019 09:45

Oh ffs... Just be grateful your dd has grandparents who are interested in her. Want to be in her life and love her.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 22/10/2019 09:48

She's 4 and obviously has a lovely relationship with her grandad.. Who won't be around forever. If she is capable of telling waiters that she's not a princess, then she's capable of telling her grandad. But maybe she likes that her grandad calls her this?

She's not going to grow up into a vacuous diva because her grandad calls her a pretty princess. By 8 most girls are far too grown up cool to be bothered with princesses Wink.

I'd leave it be. Allow the relationship between her and her grandad to develop by itself. She clearly knows she's not a princess, but maybe she likes that her grandad thinks she is?

I have a 5 year old who tells me she's the cutest in our family. She also tells me she's the cleverest. Her brother is the coolest, apparently and her sister is the best at art. I think she's going to grow into a well rounded woman. Clever and cute, she'll have the world at her feet WinkGrin.

ShippingNews · 22/10/2019 09:49

It won't hurt her, really. It's just a term of endearment. My Dad called me "My Princess" until the day he died ,and it never made me into a unicorn-loving girly girl. I knew he said it because he loved me - that was all that mattered.

WhineUp · 22/10/2019 10:59

FWIW, I was always praised solely for academic achievement. Nobody ever told me I was pretty as a child - looking at old photos, I was a damn pretty little girl.

These days, I am obsessed with my looks. And can't cope with failure to boot. Thanks mother, for having no balance whatsoever.

itsmecathycomehome · 22/10/2019 11:07

I was nobody's princess and was never complimented by my family on my appearance. Nobody ever said I was pretty or looked nice or anything. The full focus for me was on being clever and achieving.

As an adult I know objectively that I'm attractive but lack confidence in that regard. I also lack confidence in my academic ability because eventually I ran into people cleverer than me and it knocked me for six.

Just aim for a balance, counter negative messages, be kind to a doting grandad and discuss all of this with her when she's old enough to understand it.

MarshaBradyo · 22/10/2019 11:12

Some do say that telling a child that they are clever is counterproductive

As for looks it’s hard if you never hear it

Not that the op is saying she’ll do this but still

Greyponcho · 22/10/2019 11:21

I agree with the posters who say change the narrative... there’s all kinds of professional women who post on twitter, like the glaciologist who posted pictures of herself in Alaska as a “science princess”.

Or she could be a spy disguised as a princess.
Or just tell her “gramps calls you princess because you’re so special to him and its his way of expressing that”.

SVRT19674 · 22/10/2019 11:27

I call my daughter princess, she's 14 months. I was called honey bun and it did me no damage. Independent little cuss was another affectionate term. Didn't do any damage either. Stop being so precious.

recklessruby · 22/10/2019 11:44

My dad called me Princess but he also taught me to drive and maintain cars and indulged my interest in them from being tiny.
So i certainly wasnt a girly girl. It wont hurt her to be made a fuss of as a kid.
My ds has always had a way with people and he s known as the Prince of Charm Smile he s definitely not big headed.
Dd has always said she s not a princess she s a queen.
None of us are vacant vain idiots and all doing well in adulthood.

BeaLola · 22/10/2019 12:06

My Dad calls me his little princess when he answers the phone to me and I like it - I'm 51 and when I call him I ask for my No 1 Dad (I only have 1 Dad) and he calls my DS his No 1 Grandson (he only has 1 GC)

We like it - it's an endearment.

M3lon · 22/10/2019 12:16

fuck me this thread is a right pile of wank.

Surely the very first message about setting boundaries for yourself there can possibly be is that you get to define what people call you.

The DD doesn't want to be called 'pretty princess' so don't fucking call her that.

Anything else is irrelevant.

M3lon · 22/10/2019 12:18

Oh and OP, I would suggest telling FIL that 'DD doesn't like being called pretty princess, she would prefer you use her name', just like you would if FIL was calling her by any other nickname she didn't like.

FizzyIce · 22/10/2019 12:18

I’d just be thankful you have grandparents that clearly dote on her .
Pick your battles

M3lon · 22/10/2019 12:20

And the same with the clothes. Just tell FIL 'DD isn't really that into pink/sparkles/unicorns, she prefers .' We had to explain this to a few relatives for our DD, who like to wear animal print or camo type clothes - better coming politely from us than bluntly from her!

Aridane · 22/10/2019 12:29

Yeah, and why not go NC while you're at it...