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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask FIL to stop calling DD his pretty princess?

363 replies

Howdidido · 21/10/2019 17:26

It grates me. DD4 is FILs first grand-daughter. They had 5 some and only grandsons so far.
DD doesn't particularly like being called a princess (except when dressed as a princess) and we're trying to get her to value her kindness and mind more than looks. The problem is she is adorable. (Biased obvs!) Waiters call her a princess and she replies that she's not.
But FIL is always on about how pretty his princess is. It really gets on my nerves
Otherwise lovely grandparents. They do have a tendency to overbuy pint very fluffy/sparkly clothes for her. Lots of princess/unicorn/sparkle stuff.
I know, they've only got 1 GD but can't they big up how clever she is, or strong, or everything else, like they do with all their grandsons?

Any suggestions of what I can say without offending gratefully received!

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 22/10/2019 12:35

She doesn’t see herself as a princess. So he loves his particular version of her rather than her own

This with bells on

M3lon · 22/10/2019 12:40

Would people put up with a grandparent perpetually referring to a male child as 'my star footballer' when the kid had no interest in football? Would they not drop a hint if the GP only ever bought the kid footie strip they had no interest in?

Or is it just girls that have to put up with be labelled in ways they don't like?

M3lon · 22/10/2019 12:42

What the fuck relevance does it have that other people like or don't mind being called princess?

The DD does mind. So the FIL should stop.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 22/10/2019 12:50

I RTWT before I registered I was totally missing the point. It's not the princess bit that does the damage. It's the phrase "pretty princess".

DH always called my DSD daddy's princess but it was never linked to her looks. It was to express how precious she was to him. My DSD needed to be treasured and told so often. DH was always telling her how much he loved her too.

Her DM didn't always take proper care of my DSD so she needed to know how important she was to her DF. We used to worry about her, and with good reason but her DM could and did refuse access if we said anything remotely critical.

DH was a SAHF for several years, which told her what we both thought about gender stereotypes, and while her mum wanted DSD to leave school at 16, with our encouragement she went on to get a degree. I don't think being called a princess harmed her or limited her ambitions.

Until her late teens DSD was a lot taller and heavier than most of her peers, just like her DF had been. A princess can be a tall, commanding, strong leader. The word has a lot of connotations.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 22/10/2019 14:33

The DD does mind. So the FIL should stop.

Whilst I completely agree with this, OP has gone from saying that her daughter doesn't particularly like being called a princess to this in a later post:

To answer whether she like DGF calling her a princess. She doesn't really react.

GPatz · 22/10/2019 14:44

Maybe she doesn't react because she doesn't want to upset him. She's happy to tell people outside her family she doesn't like it.

Guess she should just have to put up with it because it's her grandfather.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 22/10/2019 15:10

Why would she put up with it because he's her grandad? 4 year olds are beautifully blunt. If she's confident enough to tell a waiter in a restaurant that she's not a princess I'd guess she's confident enough to say it to her grandad. We tend to be more relaxed, and less polite with our nearest and dearest!

As a parent I would stand back and let the relationship between grandparent and grandchildren develop independently of me without interference. Unless there was a safety issue, in which case I'd guess the grandparent would get nowhere near my child!

I think adults are getting all worked up and offended on behalf of someone who isn't too bothered.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 22/10/2019 15:11

Maybe she doesn't react because she doesn't want to upset him. She's happy to tell people outside her family she doesn't like it.

Guess she should just have to put up with it because it's her grandfather

Maybe, or maybe she doesn't care. Maybe she's comfortable with her grandad saying it but not a stranger, maybe not. Who knows, it's certainly not clear from OPs posts whether her daughter doesn't like it or whether it's OP who doesn't like it.

I've already said if it was upsetting my child then I'd speak up for her. I've also said that regardless of whatever anyone here says, if OP and her husband think it's not ok then they should put a stop to it. One of OPs posts said that her and her husband agreed it wasn't the norm (I can't remember exactly how she worded it).

Ohyesiam · 22/10/2019 15:15

It’s not as if nothing else is mirroring back her other qualities though. He’s just one opinion / relationship in her life.
Unless she dislikes it I’d just quietly cringe.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 22/10/2019 15:17

My family and close friends call me a shortened form of my name. It doesn't bother me and I have no reaction to it in fact, I like it.

If a "stranger" or acquaintance calls me by the shortened form it makes my skin crawl and gets my shakles up.

It's a funny old world!

smaragda · 22/10/2019 15:38

My daughter has an uncle who calls her princess-this despite her frequently doing things like shave half her head or colouring it punk colours, and wearing goth makeup. Her grandfather on the other side calls her his beautifullest granddaughter (she is the only one). She knows that they love her to the moon and back, and accepts that the nicknames they have for her come from love. She also knows that she is allowed to like whatever she likes (currently into horror films) and that whatever they call her she is who she is-strong,kind,independent almost woman who can think for herself and speak her mind. It's a balancing act, and you should follow her lead-if she really dislikes being called "pretty princess, then she should say so-to whoever is calling her that, and maybe you can tell her that it's ok to correct her family,as she does other people (the waiters).

Lovetoread84 · 22/10/2019 16:48

There's good and bad about it of course. Women are always judged on their appearance.
I have a son and daughter. My daughter is 5. She is very pretty. She is also very girly. I often tell her how beautiful she is and how pretty she is. Particularly because I am not, and I cant believe I made something so beautiful. Extended family also tell her aswell.
But of course if your daughter doesn't appreciate being called Princess then get her to tell him.

Happymum12345 · 22/10/2019 17:53

This is quite possibly the saddest post I have read. It’s a term of endearment by a grandfather. Get a grip.

nuxe1984 · 22/10/2019 17:59

Sending children gendered messages causes all sorts of problems. Girls living up to the stereotype and not having any ambitions or focusing too much on their looks; boys thinking they mustn't show their feelings leading to mental ill health. These messages are insidious - if you don't believe me look ta the segregation of clothes or toys in most shops.

My GD told me aged 4 that girls don't play football (picked up at nursery) and GS aged 3 looked at slippers and told me which were for boys and which for girls based just on the design and colour!

And if you want to know more then have a look at the research around this subject.

You need to make sure that you highlight other things than her looks when you are with your FIL. If he says she's pretty, respond with XXX got good marks in maths at school or came first in the running race, etc. Don't respond to his comments based just on her looks.

And if the GSs are there and he makes comments about her being pretty, I'd be tempted to say to the GSs … you're looking pretty today too. Might make him (and them) realise how facile a comment it is ….

ktp100 · 22/10/2019 18:32

As ever, it comes down to personal preference but if you or DD don't like it just ask him to stop.

caringcarer · 22/10/2019 18:51

When I read frequently about people who have mean and unreasonable inlaws you are making a big deal about nothing important. Maybe your FiL thinks of her as a princess. Princesses can be kind and strong and clever. My Dad called me Princess or sweetheart and it gave me confidence that he loved me as I was not a pretty child. Don't spoil the relationship between your dd and her dgp's.

Shoutymomma · 22/10/2019 18:55

If she doesn’t like it, let her tell him. Don’t project.

FelicisNox · 22/10/2019 18:56

It's generational but if you both dislike it that much just take them to one side and tell them your DD doesn't like it.

Ask them to replace the word pretty with clever as DD prefers it.

Cantrememberpassword · 22/10/2019 19:06

Oh dear, why are you being so mean?

nannygoat50 · 22/10/2019 19:09

I really think you are over reacting . They obviously love her to bits and stop being so pc saying praise her for her mind etc . As a child I was called pickle and I’ve turned out ok . Well I think so 😂

PamPooveysCow · 22/10/2019 19:15

I wish I’d had this, I grew up feeling loved but also believing I was ugly and stupid. My self-esteem wasn’t great.

It’s better now, my DH is always bigging me up

manicmij · 22/10/2019 19:23

With all the males in the family could he call your DD 'his favourite girls, the best girl'. Can see your point but don't most grandparents use over the top endearments for their grandchildren. My DM absolutely adored my DH and called him "cherrypie" which was his favourite dessert. Memories!

pavlovarules · 22/10/2019 19:28

MIL had a phase of calling DD Princess which I personally dislike. My DD was only her second DGD out of 7 GC's, MIL is mum of 3 boys but apparantly longed for a girl and has always wanted my DD to be a very girly girl (which she is not particularly). She once said something about DD being Nanny's little princess and possibly seeing (and misreading) the look on my face added 'oh, and mummy's princess too!' I said she was my little pickle, not my little princess. MIL has never called my DD princess since. Can you try and deflect with a different term of endearment?

Original poster

Howdidido · 22/10/2019 20:28

I don't think I'm blowing this out of proportion. I think this chain has become about much more than I asked about

Personally I do dislike the distinction that girls and pretty, boys are strong.
But from those posters who have read my posts and not just the title I've got some tips on how to say something without offended or upsetting FIL. So I'm grateful for those posters. He is well intentioned. I'll be doing him a favour to help him come up with other compliments and enable them to have a better relationship.

Please feel free to carry on debating whether it's ok to only compliment little girls on their looks. I don't think it's much of a debate tbh.

OP posts:

Helendee · 22/10/2019 20:34

Bloody hell! So now you can police what grandparents are allowed/forbidden to call their own grandchildren?
It would almost be funny but it’s just absurd!

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