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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give them my baby stuff?

487 replies

TheCheekOfSomePeople · 21/10/2019 15:02

Bil and his fiancé are expecting a baby (12 weeks pregnant I think) and dh has just told me that mil has just asked dh when can fil collect our baby furniture, clothes, toys and books with his van. I think they are even expecting to collect the pram which my parents bought and we are still using (my dc is 22 months old).
Me and dh are also thinking about trying for another baby in the near future.
AIBU to think they are being cheeky?
AIBU to want to keep the stuff because my dc is still using the pram, toys and books and it might be difficult to get it back if we have another baby. And it might not be in as good condition as we gave it.
Dh didn't mention that we were thinking of trying for another baby

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/10/2019 09:28

I wouldn't leave as MIL will come around and get DH to hand everything over!

Contraceptionismyfriend · 27/10/2019 09:32

And if he's stupid enough to do that OP should definitely throw him in the bin.

Dollymixture22 · 27/10/2019 09:46

If he sil was anyway decent she would have replied saying of course she doesn’t expect your baby stuff, and not to give it a second thought.

Your husband needs to step up and address the bonkers behaviour

sophiestew · 27/10/2019 10:06

You have a DH problem. What are you going to do about that?

Aaarrgghhh · 27/10/2019 10:11

I like a pp suggestion of basically saying the relationship is over because you hate her more than you love him. See what he does. If he wants to be with you he can make changes and start standing up to the crazy woman and if he doesn’t, well, thankfully you have only had one kid to him and you should be able to stay with your parents easily enough until you can find your own place. He’s an arsehole and I couldn’t be with someone so pathetic.

Wubbawubba · 27/10/2019 10:14

Tell MIL they can't have anything because you're giving it away to charity. Please. Grin

Raindancer411 · 27/10/2019 10:48

I cannot understand how she thinks she can pick up a pram that your parents brought for you! I would tell DH if he values his family he needs to talk to her as she will be your families undoing in the future.

billy1966 · 27/10/2019 11:09

OP,

I feel so sorry for you.

Thank goodness your parents are supportive and are fully aware of what you are dealing with.

Great that the locks have been changed too.

Please do not dignify this awful woman with contact.

She has made it very clear what she thinks of you so she would no longer be welcome in my home and I would cease contact.

Unfortunately you have married a very weak man.

I hope you are working and financially secure.

I agree with above poster's....
He's prepared to see your child go without to appease his mother.

Absolutel deal breaker.

I would very calmly tell him in a day or two that you would like some time apart.

That you have realised his wife and child are not his priority and you have no wish to have another child with him and that the marriage is in doubt.

I would deliver this very calmly and coldly.
I would make it so clear to him that this is life changingly serious for him.

I would insist he leaves. Do not be persuaded by him.

He needs to see clearly, and understand clearly, that his choosing to see his child disadvantaged by his mother is a complete deal breaker and changer.

OP, however painful and hard this may be, you are at risk of a lifetime of this behaviour.

Weak men are selfish men.
They put their peace and quiet ahead of everything.

They only change because it's in Their Best Interest To Change.

You deserve better than this weak man.
💐

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 27/10/2019 11:29

As blunt as this sounds this is a test of your DHs maturity and how he acts next could - simply put - determine if you’re going to be living under a MIL shaped cloud for the rest of your married life or not.

6demandingchildren · 27/10/2019 11:32

Like women, some men do not like confrontation and some hate to rock an unsteady boat.
But your husband needs to stand up for you and his child.
What I would do is wait for him to go to work and hide everything your mil has demanded and when he asks where it is you say to him that he has to replace everything. He then might actually see what his mother wants to do to his child.

Userzzzzz · 27/10/2019 11:39

Wow this whole thread is bonkers. Do not for a moment think you have been unreasonable. Everyone I know has kept their things for a future baby and only given things away once they are done or can’t sell them. Even with something like the buggy, you might prefer to sell rather than pass on depending on its second hand value and there should be no expectation of having your stuff- especially not if you’re still using it. I’m using my stuff now for my second baby and I can see already the difference in condition having another child go through them. Some clothes that I’ve kept won’t out last two babies (just more stains) or shrinking.

I’m sorry your DH has been so weak willed here. He does need to learn how to say no.

timeisnotaline · 27/10/2019 11:49

Ask for his key to the new lock, and say these keys are only for people who prioritise their small child. He can come back when he is going to call his mum. You’ll come out to listen to the call.

justilou1 · 27/10/2019 12:12

I’m a bit interested in the dynamics between DH, BIL & MIL.... is BIL the golden child? MIL seems much more excited about BIL’s new baby than your little one. In fact, PIL both seem to have forgotten that your kid exists at all.

RebootYourEngine · 27/10/2019 12:56

Can your dh not see how batshit crazy his mother is?

Scoobydoobywho · 27/10/2019 15:05

Is there anything that only your dh uses, maybe you can tell him someone you know wants it so they can have it and he can spend money replacing that. How would he feel about his things being taken.

lynzpynz · 27/10/2019 15:24

She offered to clean hand-me-down toys you'd been gifted and never returned them?! Who does that?!

This is just one of many things all caused by DH putting 'an easy life appeasing her' before looking after you and DC. Unacceptable, no other word for it.

Cut contact if you can with her, tell DH you don't want to hear any more of what she says about you and the automatic response to any more batshit requests involving your things / time / DC are a big fat NO thanks to her behaviour. He wants to appease MIL - let him, its all his problem now you're done engaging.

Honeyroar · 27/10/2019 17:23

I will ask again- how do you put up with such a wet, pathetic husband? Never mind ringing your mil and giving her some grief you should be giving your husband grief until he bloody grows up and stands up for you and your/his baby.

Howyiz · 27/10/2019 17:50

Ring your sil and ask her WTF is going on? Is your mil doing it off her own bat, in which case both you are sil can set her straight or sil is in cahoots in which case you set her straight, then ring your mil and set her straight.
If your mil is desperate for baby stuff I would give her the cot back and buy a new one and tell her that that is all she has claim to. Then never accept a present from her again.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/10/2019 18:42

I told dh if he gives a key to his mum I'll change the locks again and he won't get a key, and then I'll be returning him to his mummy

The thing with ultimatums is that they're useless unless you mean them. Unfortunately I don't think he'll believe you for an instant and he certainly won't refuse MIL a key if she asks (and it will, of course, have been given "purely for emergencies")

So what are you going to do when this happens?

HollowTalk · 27/10/2019 18:53

OP, did your BIL and his girlfriend buy you anything for your baby when it was born?

ncfortuesday · 27/10/2019 21:09

The two of you sound bloody daft!

He sounds like an absolute melt and you're putting up with it! Nuts

Pantalaimon88 · 27/10/2019 21:29

If MIL does come to the house and take your baby things, then report it to the police as theft.

LovePoppy · 27/10/2019 22:38

That boat post is brilliant

Icanflyhigh · 27/10/2019 23:09

Wow. Your mil is batshit crazy!