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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give them my baby stuff?

487 replies

TheCheekOfSomePeople · 21/10/2019 15:02

Bil and his fiancé are expecting a baby (12 weeks pregnant I think) and dh has just told me that mil has just asked dh when can fil collect our baby furniture, clothes, toys and books with his van. I think they are even expecting to collect the pram which my parents bought and we are still using (my dc is 22 months old).
Me and dh are also thinking about trying for another baby in the near future.
AIBU to think they are being cheeky?
AIBU to want to keep the stuff because my dc is still using the pram, toys and books and it might be difficult to get it back if we have another baby. And it might not be in as good condition as we gave it.
Dh didn't mention that we were thinking of trying for another baby

OP posts:
SpaceDinosaur · 26/10/2019 12:46

I've RTFT and other than "baby stuff" we're any specifics cited?

Does the MIL want the cot she bought back (despite it still being used?) or is she expecting every toy, book, pram, item of clothing no matter it's origin?

She's an absolute monster BTW. I've taken this thread as a reminder to tell my MIL how much we love her 😂

Can you afford to buy a new cot/cotbed @TheCheekOfSomePeople?

If you can, dump the cot in their garden, along with your mammy's boy H and cut all ties, contact and communication with the nutjob. 😁 but seriously, if she demands your son's bed from under him that would be the absolute end of the relationship for me.

Idolovechocolategimmygimmy · 26/10/2019 13:35

Oh my, she sounds like a nutter. Did you get the locks changed? Good plan. Don't let her bulldoze her way around to getting what she wants. X

notthemum · 26/10/2019 13:56

Op
Locks changed yet ? Let us know.

ThanosSavedMe · 26/10/2019 14:11

I like @maddening idea

CoraPirbright · 26/10/2019 17:37

Disgruntledguineapig’s message is excellent.

MeridianB · 26/10/2019 17:55

Don’t question yourself, OP. Your MIL is being vile and your husband should step in, not forward her horrid messages.

Did your SIL ever reply to your text?

GreenTulips · 26/10/2019 17:57

Why not ring SIL and explain? She probably doesn’t want to get involved in being in the middle but at least you can put your side and explain.

TheWernethWife · 26/10/2019 21:36

Green, OP has no reason to "explain" to anyone, her MIL has caused all this along with the wimpy husband.

GreenTulips · 26/10/2019 22:23

Well yes, but MIL like this tend to be ‘offended’ on others behalf and leads than to believe int along in sides and whipping up a storm, where there may not be one. By speaking directly to SIL who may already have plans with her own family or want to buy her own stuff, maybe being railroaded by MIL -

I wouldn’t let MIL be the only voice being heard

LovePoppy · 26/10/2019 23:57

I thought OP texted SIL already? And SIL must have told MIL, hence the ridiculous text about being exclusionary

blowmybarnacles · 27/10/2019 00:54

I think some people use the controlling of things to control people.

My older sister used to focus on things of mine she wanted, from our teens to adulthood. Usually things of mine I liked which she coveted. She would grind me down to have things until I caved in as she had a very bullish nature. It went on our whole life, from a lovely woven basket I had for my craft GCSE to store my haberdashery, (loaned, never seen again), my first and only pair of gold earrings (lost) to books, clothes, a variety of stuff.

If I had anything really lovely, she really focussed on that. I had a beautiful dress once which I wore to a wedding bought for me our mum. She borrowed it and never to returned it, despite me asking and wore it to a number of significant family events, even my own graduation and I have so many photos of her wearing my things.

If she stayed with me, she would ask to borrow clothes and I'd say ok but name things she could not take as I knew it would be months before I saw them. She would still take them.

However, things were returned so trashed ( the dress, unwearable) or not at all - she had given them away to other people or threw them way Shock MyBooks were never ever returned, lost. All these things were laughed off as not important, oh that old thing etc. Sad

Sometimes we would clash and I felt I couldn't fall out with her because I wanted my stuff back. Years later, we are now NC and she doesn't have any of my stuff Grin

Things can be used to control people. Do not let your stuff be taken, and the return or non return ( and any emotional attachment) be used to control you.

HiJenny35 · 27/10/2019 01:44

Sorry but you need to tell your partner to grow up. He needs to deal with his mother and support the mother of his child. I'd be happy, as far as I'm concerned after that message I'd have nothing else to do with her so leave him and his mother to it. And I'd make it very clear to him how disappointed I was in him and how much he'd let me down. Why waste the next ten year having force contact with a woman who is so disrespectful to you just for your partners sake when he can't even stick up for you, sod that, use this as the perfect reason to step away f on his family.

fickthisshut · 27/10/2019 01:59

Any update OP?

Original poster
TheCheekOfSomePeople · 27/10/2019 08:45

Sorry for late update. My parents were here yesterday and my dad changed the locks for me. I told dh if he gives a key to his mum I'll change the locks again and he won't get a key, and then I'll be returning him to his mummy.

Still no reply from Sil.

For people asking:Yeah we bought everything except the cot from (from mil) and the pram (from my parents). Except a few clothes, toys and books that were gifts for dc's birthday and Christmas. Dh said when mil first mentioned it she said about picking up the cot with changing table on (still in use), pram (still in use), baby car seat, baby rocker chair, travel cot (we are using it as a ball pit for dc), highchair (still very much in use), baby clothes and toys. So yeah she wants everything. Think it is definitely a way to control. A year ago one of DH's friends gave us some old toys and mil said she would clean them for us - and we have not seen them again. When I mention it, she just changes the subject or says "I thought you didn't want them so I gave them to a charity".

My parents know what mil is like and think she is batshit. They don't want her to have the pram and would be upset if we gave it to bil because of the way he reacted when I was pregnant (ignoring me and treating me like I had committed a crime for getting pregnant, which of course dh thought I was over reacting and I half imagined it).

Also told dh to call his mum and firmly say we are not giving them our baby stuff and address her behaviour. Of course he hasn't yet. He just prefers to ignore and dig his head in the sand when it comes to his family. Maybe I should call mil and give her a piece of my mind but then she may use it against me.

OP posts:
CravingCheese · 27/10/2019 08:56

I really don't think you should call her.

You'll be the evil one, your DH will continue to do nothing, your mil will continue with her campaign of terror... And definitely won't stop trying to assert dominance over you (and your child?? Idk. She's basically trying to deprave your child. She's trying to take away things your dc needs to be safe. Like a car seat!! This is just so incredibly unhinged...)

You need to work on making your DH understand that he needs to sort this.

Idk what you could say to make him realise this... Unfortunately.

Cravingpies · 27/10/2019 08:57

Bin the husband. Do not have another baby with that spineless man.

aweedropofsancerre · 27/10/2019 08:57

Your MIL is outrageous. Who does she think she is expecting to just come along and take all your baby things without discussion. Who does she think she is? The head of the Shelby household. I am disappointed that your DH continues not to support you. My DH has always stood up for my with his nightmare parents and has initiated NC for periods because of there behaviour. The fact he hasn’t responded to her foul text where she is disrespectful to you is very sad and doesn’t bode well for your future

Besidesthepoint · 27/10/2019 08:59

He should call her. I also think that she should never ever be let in the house anymore and any gift she gives you give right back because she is not giving it since she sees them as hers anyway. That goes for the kids gifts especially (tell them beforehand that they aren't allowed to open it). DH can tell her.

There is someone in my life I don't accept gifts from. She hates it but it gives me peace.

Iloveacurry · 27/10/2019 09:02

I’d be half inclined to return to cot to MIL, or money to cover the cost of the cot, then tell her to do one (perhaps in not so nice terms!)

CravingCheese · 27/10/2019 09:07

Dh said when mil first mentioned it she said about picking up the cot with changing table on (still in use), pram (still in use), baby car seat, baby rocker chair, travel cot (we are using it as a ball pit for dc), highchair (still very much in use), baby clothes and toys.

I really can't wrap my head around this. And your DH is fine with this??
She isn't 'just' disrespecting you.
She isn't 'just' trying to dominate you.
She's trying to do something that would potentially greatly distress your DC! she wants to take away items your DC currently still needs to be happy, healthy and safe.

What kind of a father simply sits there and thinks... Oh yes, that's fine and dandy. My child doesn't need a car seat. No need to tell my mother that she can't have my baby's highchair. Or cat seat. Or changing table!

He sounds like a wimpy, spineless slug.
I really hope you don't feel like I'm disrespecting you by talking like that about your husband but what the fuck is going on in that man's head?

notthemum · 27/10/2019 09:14

Glad you are ok.
I do understand people saying you should send your DH back to his mummy but only you can make that decision.
However please stick to your guns. Also please don't consider having another baby with him until he grows up and learns to stand up for you and your little family.
Good luck OP 💐

Ayemama · 27/10/2019 09:16

Thank god you've changed your locks! Simply don't tell MiL that you have and wait and see if she trying to get into your house.

What sort of bitch tries to take things from her own grandchild that they still need?

Don't phone her, she doesn't deserve to know how much she's upset you.

RandomMess · 27/10/2019 09:19

You have a major DH problem he needs to wake up and get out of the FOG.

Buy him the Toxic parents book and get some counselling for him ASAP.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 27/10/2019 09:24

I was in your position but worse. MIL almost cost us our home and basically everything.

It took me turning to DH and saying that I hated his mother more than I loved him and that I wanted a divorce to get her out of my life. He lost his shit defending his mum. I stayed calm and told him I'd go to a solicitor in the morning.

In true beautiful MIL style she fucked him over that morning. He came back apologised and told her she was out of our and our kids lives. We haven't seen her in over 2 years. It's bliss.

If I were you now I'd pack a bag tell dipshit that his actions or lack there of have shown you where you lie in your marriage. Because believe you are beneath her. And that you need space. Go stay at your parents. If you don't make a stand you will forever be below that cunt. Every whim she has will come before you.

And believe that she slags you off more than you can imagine to his face and he doesn't defend you.

Dollymixture22 · 27/10/2019 09:26

This happened in my family. My parents and I bought a lot of baby stuff for my sister. My brother in laws family are wealthy but tight and bought nothing. They expect everything to be handed down, and my parents have started to resent supplying the whole family with baby things😊