Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give them my baby stuff?

487 replies

TheCheekOfSomePeople · 21/10/2019 15:02

Bil and his fiancé are expecting a baby (12 weeks pregnant I think) and dh has just told me that mil has just asked dh when can fil collect our baby furniture, clothes, toys and books with his van. I think they are even expecting to collect the pram which my parents bought and we are still using (my dc is 22 months old).
Me and dh are also thinking about trying for another baby in the near future.
AIBU to think they are being cheeky?
AIBU to want to keep the stuff because my dc is still using the pram, toys and books and it might be difficult to get it back if we have another baby. And it might not be in as good condition as we gave it.
Dh didn't mention that we were thinking of trying for another baby

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCheekOfSomePeople · 25/10/2019 12:23

Well f*ck me I'm speechless (pardon my language). Mil has just sent a long ranting text to dh this morning. Saying my behaviour is not normal and I am doing everything I can to exclude DH's family. And how important family is and I'm ungrateful after everything they have done to welcome me and done for us.

I don't even know what to say to that.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 25/10/2019 12:27

i don't even know what to say to that

You say nothing.

It’s your DHs job now to tell his mummy to give her head a wobble.

leomama81 · 25/10/2019 12:28

Wow. What has your DH said to that?

Clangus00 · 25/10/2019 12:28

You don’t need to respond to her absolutely insane text. This is where your husband needs to grow a pair and stand up for you! Has he responded to her?

aweedropofsancerre · 25/10/2019 12:37

The message was sent to your DH so I do hope he puts her straight?

CravingCheese · 25/10/2019 12:38

Don't say anything to her.

But tell your DH that you won't feel comfortable having her around your child if she continues that way. And that you will be forced to 'exclude' her if she won't respect you.
Easier said than done (speaking from experience....) but I guess these things are always easier to see from an outside perspective.

mbosnz · 25/10/2019 12:39

I guess, what you say, to DH, is 'what are you going to say to that?!

CravingCheese · 25/10/2019 12:39

Actually, DH is the one that should tell her that...

areyouafraidofthedark · 25/10/2019 12:41

You don't say anything it's up to your husband too. I would be seriously be going no to low contact with this woman.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 25/10/2019 12:42

Walk me through this:

So you know about this text because he told you, right?

Tell us how he told you.

With a forward of the text with a rolly eyes emoji saying “she’s off again, I’ll talk to her”?

With a “look what you’ve done”?

Or with a “just got this”? leaving interpretation open as to what he wants (you) to do next?

I’d say this is pretty key.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 25/10/2019 12:46

@TheCheekOfSomePeople - well the simple answer is you don't say anything to that message.
Your DH on the other hand, steps up to the plate and tells his mother that he doesn't ever speak to or about his wife in words like that ever again. Your DH tells his mother that these are things belonging to his family - i.e. you, your kids and him. She has no input as to where they go, who gets them and when.
If he is feeling up to it (and it can be quite liberating), he could say that if she persists in going down this path, she will not only lose contact with you (this wont have any major impact on her unfortunately) but as you are the mother of your DD, you come as a package deal so she will have less contact with her grandchild to and it is HE that is laying down the law, not you so if he hears how you poisoned things against her, he will cut all lines of communication. (He doesn't have to carry out that threat but he can say it to her. It might give her some idea that he is no longer hanging on to her apron strings and is his own man).

Unfortunately, someone else up thread suggested that you return the cot as you mentioned that MiL paid for it. I am now going to suggest just that. Get your own cot. Give back the one she got you. Be done with any sort of hold she may have over the baby items. Then reduce contact with her.

Original poster
TheCheekOfSomePeople · 25/10/2019 12:47

He hasn't replied to her. He just said his mum sent me this text and he forwarded it to me. I think he is hoping it will guilt me into giving her some of the stuff. I think he would rather buy new stuff that confront he batshit mother. I'll question him about it when he gets home. I'll be having a relaxing day at home and changing the locks tomorrow.

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 25/10/2019 12:50

Here's an idea - talk instead of texting.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 25/10/2019 12:54

Now you need to tell him that you are disgusted that she has said this. How upset and angry you are.
Ask him what gives her the right to speak to you like that?!
Kick the fuck off.

Tell him that it's better off she doesn't come to the house anytime soon so you can calm down.

Do not be calm. Do not be passive. Do NOT BE A BLOODY DOOR MAT

crosspelican · 25/10/2019 12:55

Definitely doesn't need a reply from you.

She's pissed off because you have humiliated her by undermining her self-appointed "matriarch of the family" status in the eyes of BIL's partner. Can't see her forgiving you for that, but who cares?

Mention to your husband that his mother seems to be struggling a bit, emotionally, and blithely ignore.

I would LOVE to know the exchange that went on between BIL's DP and MIL though, and whether it was

"OMG that bitch won't give me her baby stuff. You'd better put her in her place, MIL."

or

"Just had mortifying message from TheCheek saying that she couldn't give me baby stuff right now. I didn't WANT her baby stuff - why did you tell her I could have it all?"

CravingCheese · 25/10/2019 12:58

think he is hoping it will guilt me into giving her some of the stuff. I think he would rather buy new stuff that confront he batshit mother.

So... I'm starting to think that we're simply being too nice. (we because... Well, my own situation).

They live with us and yet they're more worried about the considerably more distant wraths of their mothers??

Idk. I think it's time to get angry, OP. His mother is disrespecting you. He said nothing. And yet he seems to think it's his mother he should be worried about?

I'm not sure how you should react but there needs to be a pretty major reaction imo.

theoriginalmadambee · 25/10/2019 13:00

I think he is hoping it will guilt me into giving her some of the stuff.

Don't be the one starting this conversation with DH, let him stew. By you starting, in his mind you are doing what his dm suggests about you.

He needs to step up all by himself.

And I know the 'we have been so welcoming' - in whose mind and only if you get your way inlaws.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 25/10/2019 13:04

I'd be tempted to have a bonfire and send the video to your batshit MIL

Miniloso · 25/10/2019 13:04

You know what I’d just give the whole lot back to MIL... get DH to drive the whole fucking lot back and don’t accept anything from the madwoman ever again.
Get all her tainted emotionally blackmailed crap out of your life.

FrenchBoule · 25/10/2019 13:05

Ask your DH if he would take the stuff from his own child to please his batshit mother and BIL/ his GF.
Would he watch his child go without?

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 25/10/2019 13:05

You have two, maybe three options here.

  1. Absolutely block this whole circus out. No reaction. No rise. Grey rock. If he raises it with you, just say you’re done with it and no further convo needed. Literally stonewall.
  1. You tell him categorically that as it’s HIS batshit mummy HE deals with her and you are neither his PA nor admin and that from this point on you take no further lead on any conversations between MIL and things regarding your house and the people and things in it. Failure to do this means there’s a fundamental trust issue in your relationship namely he is backing his mum over you when it ought to be the other way round. If he wants you all to “just get along” then HE needs to man the fuck up here and make it happen.

The last is that you change those locks but underhand tactics should be avoided as it encourages a race to the bottom.

OP you have got to remove yourself from this. Let your DH lead, whether he wants to or not.

billy1966 · 25/10/2019 13:10

Definitely not your text to answer. It wasn't sent to you.

However, your husband has forwarded it to you, knowing that it's not nice, nor kind, nor true, and he hasn't commented on it.

She's a nasty Bully and your husband is her facilitator.

This isn't going to get any better, if he doesn't man up and set his mother straight.

It's up to you OP, now that he has full briefed you in what she thinks about you, how much contact you and your children have with her.

I can honestly say I have never heard of these types of MIL's before.

They truly are Batshit horrors!
💐

HairyFloppins · 25/10/2019 13:11

This post has made me furious.

I would be on the phone to MIL now telling her she is not having anything. I would also be telling DH not to bother coming back until he's sorted his mother out.

You are still using the stuff FFS, why not invite her round and invite her to take the clothes of the babies back?

I'd rather be single then put up with crap like this.

TheTrollFairy · 25/10/2019 13:14

Where do these batshit crazy MiL come from? Makes me so glad to get on well with mine.

I would ignore the text from your MIL, anything sent back will just fuel the fire further.

RandomMess · 25/10/2019 13:21

Hopefully MIL will be obsessed with BIL's baby and you can just her on with your life!