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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give them my baby stuff?

487 replies

TheCheekOfSomePeople · 21/10/2019 15:02

Bil and his fiancé are expecting a baby (12 weeks pregnant I think) and dh has just told me that mil has just asked dh when can fil collect our baby furniture, clothes, toys and books with his van. I think they are even expecting to collect the pram which my parents bought and we are still using (my dc is 22 months old).
Me and dh are also thinking about trying for another baby in the near future.
AIBU to think they are being cheeky?
AIBU to want to keep the stuff because my dc is still using the pram, toys and books and it might be difficult to get it back if we have another baby. And it might not be in as good condition as we gave it.
Dh didn't mention that we were thinking of trying for another baby

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 25/10/2019 13:23

The idea that you are excluding your husbands family because you won’t give them things that you are using is astounding.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 25/10/2019 13:26

Also I'd tell him that until he sorts that notch out he will never be having another child with you

MadameOvary · 25/10/2019 13:29

Batshit entitled behaviour. Definitely grey-rock, head-tilt, completely distance yourself from the drama.
People like your MIL are everywhere and can seriously damage your mental health. Avoid at all costs.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 25/10/2019 13:29

I would be furious with my partner if they had dealt with it the way yours has.

Him not nipping this in the bud (as it's his family instigating the bad feeling) made it all into an even bigger deal because they've all positioned you as the decision maker and "bad guy".

I think it's time for a proper talk with him to say you are really disappointed in how he's handled the situation and you need him to be clear with his parents what your joint thoughts on this are.

He's an adult and a father, he should be able to handle things tactfully but firmly. Sorry but he's being a complete wet blanket!

mankyfourthtoe · 25/10/2019 13:33

He needs to text back.
With lots of 'we' in there.
Those things were gifts that we are still using. When the time comes that we no longer use them we will look to pass them on. And stop with the nasty messages.

bakesalesally · 25/10/2019 13:37

Woahhh...

You do not reply. DH only from now on.

YorkshirePud1 · 25/10/2019 13:39

She sounds completely crazy - I really hope your husband tells her she's completely out of line.

LannisterLion1 · 25/10/2019 13:41

This just shows you have a husband issue. He should have called her back, torn a strip off her and had your back. Then told you once he was home.

He needs to step up. I would honestly text him back and say it's unacceptable and you will be discussing it tonight.

CandyflossKing · 25/10/2019 13:47

'Hi Mil. We need a new car. I know that you are using yours but family is important and should not be excluded. Please let us know when is a good time to pop around and collect yours.'

TowelNumber42 · 25/10/2019 13:58

DH is more scared of his mother than of you. He has been trained to appease her. It will be quite a jump for him to start defending you and upsetting her. It can be done though.

This is the moment to kick off at him about him not about MIL, not about the clothes, not about SIL. The issue is him letting someone talk shit about you without standing up for you. Make damn sure he knows your problem is with him not having your back.

I'd have a massive in person rant about what the hell was he thinking forwarding you anyone's mean messages, he should have protected you from ever seeing them and have told the offender off very very firmly.

Nobody talks to/about my wife like that is most men's attitude.

Kick off and don't back down. He will be terrified. Right now he wants to keep you both happy but when push comes to shove he knows you are easier to appease than his mum. Change that equation. However much she escalates, you escalate further. Appeasing you is his best life.

Happy wife, happy life has to be his new mantra.

LazyLizzy · 25/10/2019 14:01

He sounds a right gobshite.

It shouldn't have got this far, he should have put a stop to their behaviour from the off.

Sewrainbow · 25/10/2019 14:03

I'd reply to DH with "why have you sent me this? Did you just want to upset me or are you want me to give in and say we should give the stuff!? What have you replied to your mum to back me up and get the point home to her? Because as you know WE are still using the stuff and are likely to for a while yet..."

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 25/10/2019 14:07

You need to put it back to your DH, how about "well this is a mess of your making. If you had just told your mum we couldn't hand on our baby things as we were still using them when she asked - rather than saying you'd ask me, therefore making it my fault/decision in her eyes, then we wouldn't be in this mess. You've got to stop blaming me because you dont want to stand up to your mum. I'm sick of being the bad guy. I'm really upset you've done this to me."

TowelNumber42 · 25/10/2019 14:18

If you text back to DH then make it a shocked face emoji and laughter with "OMG she is batshit crazy. No way we are even giving her a ripped t-shirt after that! She's getting nothing. Ever. Not. A. Thing."

BareKneesDeCourcy · 25/10/2019 14:18

Fucking hell, your MIL sounds like an absolute bitch (and I don’t use that word lightly).

The main problem though is that your DH has no spine. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone so weak, who will never stand up for you?

DartmoorDoughnut · 25/10/2019 15:28

What @DisgruntledGuineaPig suggested as a text to your DH, this is his mess and he’s made you the bad guy.

fedup21 · 25/10/2019 15:31

this is his mess and he’s made you the bad guy.

Exactly!

AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2019 15:51

Your DH needs to grow a backbone and start defending you, at this point his inaction is worse than the MILs ranting

AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2019 15:53

Definitely send something like what @DisgruntledGuineaPig posted

brassbrass · 25/10/2019 16:11

Someone was asking about batshit MILs on another thread.

And voila! You have a prime candidateHmm

Sensible exchange could have gone like this:

MIL: are you done with your baby stuff?
You: no not yet
MIL: ok np we'll get BIL similar items to help them with their baby

Instead all of this madness.

Tistheseason17 · 25/10/2019 16:17

I think your DH needs to go out and have a search for his backbone...

MNersAreBatshit · 25/10/2019 16:27

I would text your MIL and tell her to send your FIL and his van around asap to pick up some unwanted things. And then pack up your DH's things and send the useless fuck and his belongings on their way.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 25/10/2019 16:31

You definitely need to say something along the lines of dsigruntleds suggestion to your dh. I'd also be making it clear to him that if anything leaves the house, including a new key, he will be following with it.

Sneezeandooops · 25/10/2019 16:45

At least you wont have to worry about what to get his family for christmas or birthdays, his family his shopping responsibility. I hope he replies defending you OP and not act like a little boy doing as mummy dear says

billy1966 · 25/10/2019 17:06

What strikes me is how important it is that you respect your partner.

They may irritate you at times and drive you mad but it is just critical to a relationship that you respect who they are fundamentally as a person.

I honestly couldn't look at a man that was so weak and spineless that he would forward a shitty text to me from his mother without commenting.

He should have kept it from you initially, dealt with it by setting her straight and telling you afterwards.

He's trying to protect himself first and it's so unattractive.

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