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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give them my baby stuff?

487 replies

TheCheekOfSomePeople · 21/10/2019 15:02

Bil and his fiancé are expecting a baby (12 weeks pregnant I think) and dh has just told me that mil has just asked dh when can fil collect our baby furniture, clothes, toys and books with his van. I think they are even expecting to collect the pram which my parents bought and we are still using (my dc is 22 months old).
Me and dh are also thinking about trying for another baby in the near future.
AIBU to think they are being cheeky?
AIBU to want to keep the stuff because my dc is still using the pram, toys and books and it might be difficult to get it back if we have another baby. And it might not be in as good condition as we gave it.
Dh didn't mention that we were thinking of trying for another baby

OP posts:
Mamia15 · 25/10/2019 17:13

How could you think about shagging that spineless cowardly mummy's boy?

Urgh - tell him to grow some balls and put you first for a change

brassbrass · 25/10/2019 17:13

Spot on billy"

If her DH dealt with it properly MIL would be an irritating but managed presence.

isitxmasyet · 25/10/2019 17:27

Your MIL may be a nightmare but your problem is your DH

He set you up in that when she demanded the stuff he said ‘I’ll ask OP’ and then later texted no they can’t have it——ergo it’s all your fault

If he’s said no way Jose and then later on texted ah ok I’ve spoken to OP and she has kindly said we have a few bits so I’ll pop them over but no need for a can’ then you wouldn’t be the bad guy.

Why send you that horrible text? And certainly why send it before he replies to how how dare you that’s my wife you are being rude about and I want an apology.

Etc

He is weak and is allowing his mum to pander to her two boys whilst vilifying you.

You need to tell him to stop being pathetic.

WizardOfAus · 25/10/2019 17:56
Shock
SecretMillionaire · 25/10/2019 18:05

She sounds exactly like my MIL. This will not get better unless your DH stops putting his mother’s needs before the needs of his wife and child.

It’s a question of what happens first, either him standing up for you to his mother or you losing all respect for him as a husband and father.

SandAndSea · 25/10/2019 20:58

Your DH needs to shut this down now.

cherish123 · 25/10/2019 21:03

Ridiculous! Tell DH to say no way - still using the stuff. If they mention the newborn things - just say you might have another. If DH is too weak, speak MIL yourself.

Cocoschaos · 25/10/2019 21:10

At this point you need to tell her yourself that enough is enough. Give her the cot back if she bought it, but everythingbelse tell her you are keeping as it is your belongings on your property, and not hers or the BIL and partner's. Tell her to buy them stuff new if she wants. And get the locks changed pretty much the same day.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 25/10/2019 21:49

There would be no chance of baby number two unless DH steps up and grows a backbone. He wouldn't be getting in my bed, yet alone my knickers.

maybe you can return him rather than the baby things...

timeisnotaline · 25/10/2019 22:07

I would send something like disgruntleds. Key message - this is your fault, fix it.
And in a discussion I’d suggest selling a couple of things he uses so he could buy baby things for bil. He’s happy with the idea of taking your daughters pram out from under her after all (& ignore all protests about he’s not happy - but you didn’t say that to mil, you made it my fault, so you must be fine with it.)

lynzpynz · 25/10/2019 22:12

Agree with pp that the root cause of your problem is your DH not standing up to his mum, and this needs tackled or you will lose all respect for him. Tell him if she can't show you some respect she is not welcome in your home - period.

After the latest text I personally would prep what I wanted to say, cut out the DH middle-man and phone the bitch to read her the riot act of facts (facts > opinions > emotions in arguments) before telling her your things are not hers to give away, and she's welcome to try to prove the cot she gave you was a loan and not in fact a gift to your child (good luck with that MIL). And if she wants to call you names she needs to grow a pair and say it to you instead of texting behind your back like she's in high school. She's cutting the ties herself because she wont cut the damn apron strings.

Admittedly this may be the nail in the amicable coffin, but sounds like you're not exactly on best terms with her anyway and she certainly doesn't give 2 f*cks about upsetting you does she with what she's been saying / calling you. Also sounds like SIL is in league with her as she's not responded.

I'd be sooooo frustrated in your shoes OP!!

Iwantacookie · 25/10/2019 22:15

OP I dobt know how you've been so calm. Makes me glad my mil is lovely.

Travis1 · 25/10/2019 22:18

Jesus think I’d send the husband back to his mother. How bloody spineless is he? Hope you’re ok OP

RightYesButNo · 25/10/2019 22:29

Agree with so many previous posters. Life is going to be long and filled with drama until your husband decides that upsetting you is worse than upsetting his mother and supporting you comes before supporting his mother. Until he does, you will find yourself in some version of this situation again and again AND AGAIN.

It doesn’t matter if he says sorry or even claims he understands or any other empty rhetoric (not that he’s even said sorry this time). Until he makes the decision, they’re meaningless words and worse than worthless because they allow you to think things will be different next time, when he knows they won’t and he’s setting you up for failure. It’s a gaslighting move used by cowardly shites.

Honeyroar · 25/10/2019 22:36

I'd send him back to his mother too! I'd be bloody livid that he'd allow his mother to constantly rant, rave and be so critical about me. What the hell is the point of a husband so bloody pathetic?? How the heck do you cope with him? He'd be long buried under the patio if he was my husband! You're supposed to be a team, a partnership. He's a useless coward!

Grumpelstilskin · 25/10/2019 22:46

Feck me! I could not deal with a DH so gormless and with no balls!

maddening · 25/10/2019 22:54

Forward the text to you mil with "please stand back and have a long think about your behaviour as it is tedious, unpleasant and quite frankly irrational. I am prepared to overlook it on this occasion providing that you remain civil at least going forward. In time you may be able to make amends but at this point, following your behaviour over the course of my marriage civil is a stretch and more than you deserve. You are constantly unpleasant and I am done with putting up with it. I would never stand between husband and his relationship with his family, however I will not put up with any more insults and underhand behaviour.

TrixieFranklin · 25/10/2019 23:09

Fuck this bitch, I can't believe that your husband would let anyone speak about you like that - let alone to him!

Cocojumbo · 26/10/2019 00:44

Flippin heck OP. You've got a real monster in law. Your husband really needs to have a word with her. Please post an update on how this all ends.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2019 05:34

maddening
That is a brilliant text. It would be even more powerful if op could get her dh to send the text written in the we and this is how my wife will be with you from now on.

Sweetooth92 · 26/10/2019 06:08

I’d be loathed to let DH have a new key to be honest-as he seems incapable of saying no to his mother.

In awe at how calm you are! I’d be raging

insanepizza · 26/10/2019 09:26

Your husband is weak. He needs to stand up for you. Has he replied yet?

Iloveacurry · 26/10/2019 10:31

Excluding the family, in what way? Because you haven’t finished with your baby stuff so won’t be leading it to SIL? Your MIL is a nut job and your DH is useless. He’d rather upset you than his mummy.

Out of interest, you said that your parents got your pram, but did you pay for the rest of your baby bits yourself?

PersonaNonGarter · 26/10/2019 10:35

What do your family make of all this, OP?

MaybeNew · 26/10/2019 12:22

You do have a DH problem and you need to deal with it viciously. Pack up the unused baby stuff and take it to your Mother’s so that no one can take it. Stay there for a few days and when DH asks where you are, say that you are waiting for him to remember that you are his wife.