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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being precious?

360 replies

FloatingObject · 21/10/2019 08:53

I've been away and this evening I arrive back. I need to get to my village which is just outside the city. My train arrives to the city at 8.30pm. I didnt realise they have cut the 9.30pm service so now my only option is to wait for the 10 30pm train to the village.

I'm really not a princess type but I'm kind of hurt that DP didbt suggest picking me up (it's a 30 min drive). He gets off work at 4pm. I feel like sometimes not being the princess type works to your disadvantage because like my DP just expects me to get on with things which I do, but I'll have been travelling all day and now I'll have to kill 2 hours in a pub near the station and I dunno. If it was reversed I think I would have just offered to pick him up?

Before anyone asks, no, I never ask him for lifts.

Would you be a bit hurt/annoyed by this or no?

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 21/10/2019 10:57

I feel like sometimes not being the princess type works to your disadvantage because like my DP just expects me to get on with things which I do, but I'll have been travelling all day and now I'll have to kill 2 hours in a pub near the station and I dunno. If it was reversed I think I would have just offered to pick him up?

Before anyone asks, no, I never ask him for lifts.

Then you are being a "princess type" by expecting him to do it without you asking this time. If your usual mode is to offer him help while getting on with things yourself, then it's up to you to switch modes. Ask for a lift if you want one, and/or don't offer to help him so much if that's starting to make you feel taken for granted.

you can also just offer?

Couples build up habits and your habit is that you don't need his help though he may rely on you offering yours. He has a different habit with his sister. Now the less often you ask him, the less likely he is to offer.

Well I mean it's so clear that I wouldnt want to hang around like that (who would?) that I can only assume he just doesn't want to. So if he doesn't want to, then I'm not going to make him when I can just get a pint in and do some work. It's really more about the thought than the reality of the situation

That is poor communication from you. "It is clear" - maybe to you, yes, but maybe not so clear to anyone else. And assuming he doesn't want to, well maybe he is equally assuming you don't want his help because you are going to meet someone in town or something. Driving in the rain might be a chore but it could be less so if you said "I'm looking forward to seeing you" or "shall we have dinner in town together". And "I'm not going to make him" is just childish - asking him isn't making him.

What would have happened if you'd said "could you pick me up so I don't have to wait around?" If he refuses or does it but is narky about it or expects more gratitude than he shows you (is he appreciative of what you do for him?) then you do have a problem. And if you carry on this way then you will have a problem.

Ellisandra · 21/10/2019 10:57

Husband and I would both offer, and both feel happy to ask.

It’s not unreasonable to want him to be thoughtful and offer.

Is he generally thoughtless? You’ve had taken This pick up convo before but what about day to day? If he’s like this in everything, just get rid.

Does he expect similar kindnesses from you?

Was he making a point of not offering because there is an ongoing row about you not just asking? You shouldn’t have to here, but I’m wondering if there’s a history of you unfairly expecting him to be a mind reader, and he’s making a point?

SorrowfulMystery · 21/10/2019 10:57

The thing that strikes me here, OP, is that you think you think that only a 'princess type' would ask her partner for a lift in the circumstances, and that you feel you are not a 'princess type' and therefore can't/won't ask? It sounds as if you have made up your mind about certain types of behaviour (which you see as gendered) indicating a certain type of person and suggests deeper communication problems outside this one situation.

A 'princess type' is generally regarded as someone spoilt and cosseted and used to being waited on. Why would you think it was princessy to simply ask your DP clearly for a lift, rather than not asking him and fuming about it on here?

Batqueen · 21/10/2019 10:58

I actually think his response made it difficult for you to ask because he was essentially saying oh well, enjoy waiting around - making it clear he was expecting you to do that. If my dp has issues with the train, I’d want to know how I can help and vice versa not just leave him to it! I think you are right to feel hurt

AryaStarkWolf · 21/10/2019 10:58

So many people seem to want partners to infer their needs / wants, and get silently resentful if they're not anticipated.

Not really, I just look at it from a "do you really care about the other person and can you empathise" perspective, in situations like this, If my DH text me and said train is delayed by an hour and it was cold and wet and late out, the first thing I would think was aw that's really shit, I'll go get him and he would think the same because he's a nice person and he cares about me

HolyheadBound · 21/10/2019 10:59

OP, he's inconsiderate, undoubtedly but you are exhibiting the very definition of princess behaviour by sulking about this (and yes, you are sulking) and not actually doing anything about it!

Just bloody ask him!

I love my DH with all of my heart but there are many things like this where I've realised over the past 13 years I just have to speak up! he'll then do it willingly, he just needs the thought to be put in his head.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/10/2019 10:59

Most people have said YABU and you aren't willing to accept it. Why post on AIBU at all?

3/4's of the voters think she isn't though

Thistle23 · 21/10/2019 11:00

I needed picked up last night due to my own stupidity , quick call to my Dh and he was straight in the car to pick me up.

I do the same for him if I'm not at work .

Ellisandra · 21/10/2019 11:01

What you’re text to him, before the “that’s shit” response?

Did you already say you might work in the pub, or meet a friend for a drink? You might have already signalled that you had it covered.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/10/2019 11:01

OK so he should have asked but similarly so should you. My DH knows I would be quite happy 2 hours I na pub with a book, you've said yourself you'll easily sit there and work so maybe he thinks you're not in a rush to get back.

"hey Ralf, did you know the bus doesn't run til 10.30. You OK to pick me up?"

Honestly, if you can't ask for a simple lift I think you need to question if this is the right relationship for you

KatyCarrCan · 21/10/2019 11:03

Everything SorrowfulMystery said.

I wouldn't have texted my DH about any of this. I'd have called and said 'the cut off is closed. That means I'm going to be stuck here until 10.30pm unless you can come and pick me up?' But, equally, I could have called him and said, 'The cut off is closed. I'm going to read my book in the pub by the station until the next train so won't be home till about 11pm.' It would depend how I felt on the day. It's odd that you expect your DH to know exactly how you feel and what you want when you're not telling him. The fact you had a conversation about how you felt a year ago actually has no bearing on how you might feel tonight.

BoxOfBabyCheeses · 21/10/2019 11:05

OP throwing a tantrum about him not offering makes you more of a princess than if you'd just asked him for a lift in the first place. You seem like somebody who could be really draining constantly judging his actions (or lack of), without letting him know what you want him to do.

HoppingPavlova · 21/10/2019 11:06

Like clearly its inconvenient otherwise he would have offered.

Nope, most likely hasn’t offered as he just hasn’t thought of it. Sometimes the cogs turn slowly. I’m sure if you asked he’d happily agree.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 21/10/2019 11:06

Your in a relationship ffs, just say “DP would you mind picking me up as the train times are a pain in the arse?”

Do people in relationships really not ask the partner for the simplest of thing?? Then be hurt and post on mumsnet. How weird some people’s relationships must be

ysmaem · 21/10/2019 11:08

You really should have just said that you need a lift home.

Zaphodsotherhead · 21/10/2019 11:08

I think maybe we are falling into two camps on this one because of our experience with men.

As I've said upthread, I've recently left a partner who wouldn't put himself out to do anything for me, unless I explicitly asked (aka 'demanding') that he eg, helped with a heavy bag that I was struggling with or did a job around the house. Also had an XH who would do ANYTHING for others, but expect me to pick up his dirty clothes, wash all the dishes cook all the meals clean the house etc etc without him lifting a finger (even when I was ill/.struggling).

So I am seeing a man who just can't be bothered to put himself out for his DP unless she puts herself at his mercy by asking (and therefore risking a 'no'). Perhaps those with happier histories, or more generous men who will help with housework without having to be asked to lift a finger, are giving the YABU answers?

xJodiex · 21/10/2019 11:11

You should just have asked him but also he really should have offered too. Seems like you both need to communicate better.

wendywoopywoo222 · 21/10/2019 11:12

No I wouldn't be annoyed or hurt. If I wanted a lift I would ask. I would presume he thinks that you would enjoy a couple of hours chilling in the pub as you haven't asked.

Shodan · 21/10/2019 11:14

But, equally, I could have called him and said, 'The cut off is closed. I'm going to read my book in the pub by the station until the next train so won't be home till about 11pm.

But wouldn't a caring partner have said "Are you sure? I can come and pick you up if you like?"

I know I would.

OP some people will never be caring automatically. Some can be 'trained' into being so - but this means you have to ask for what you want. Repeatedly. Then the message might get through, and they will start thinking of it themselves.

Some people never get it though, and will always need to be asked. It's up to you to decide if a) your DP is this kind of person and b) that's something you can put up with.

I do wonder if those people who need to be asked if they'll come out to give a lift also need to be asked to be caring in other ways, like picking up the slack when you're ill, or buying birthday presents, or seeing a job that needs to be done and just doing it etc.

GeneHuntLover · 21/10/2019 11:15

Well after I'd explained the situation to my DP and he knew I'd be hanging around for over 2 hours, yeah I'd be pretty pissed off if he didn't come and pick me up. But, I wouldn't have to ask, he'd just do it, as would I. That's what partners should do

MereDintofPandiculation · 21/10/2019 11:17

It's just about having a little bit of empathy for the person you're with. Empathy isn't a virtue, it's an ability that some people have more of than others. He might welcome a couple of hours wind-down in a pub before coming home, and might not realise it's different for you. Just as you think it's miserable hanging around for two hours for a train, and may not realise that he doesn't feel it's a big deal.

Is it a 30min drive each way or altogether? If each way, the choice is between him driving an hour, you waiting half an hour and driving half an hour, total two hours; or you waiting two hours. Apart from splitting the load more fairly, overall there's no time saving.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/10/2019 11:17

It's odd that you expect your DH to know exactly how you feel and what you want when you're not telling him. The fact you had a conversation about how you felt a year ago actually has no bearing on how you might feel tonight.

I think it's odd that he wouldn't automatically offer, but there you go, people have different expectations in relationships I guess. It's not that she would expect him to know exactly what she would feel, it's that she would expect him to care enough about the fact she now has a 2 hour hang around to offer a lift incase she doesn't feel like waiting around

Queenoftheashes · 21/10/2019 11:22

Of course he should have offered. My P would and I would him if I knew he had a two hour wait. And I’m selfish and lazy.

Etinox · 21/10/2019 11:24

Hi DP train gets in at 8.30 and the coneecting one is 2 hours later- please collect me!’

CakeAndGin · 21/10/2019 11:25

You’re so concerned with being ‘precious’ that you can’t ask your partner of 3 years that you live with to drive for half an hour to pick you up?

Instead you’ll ask friends if they can get a drink with you, so you don’t to wait alone for the next train? Why can you ask your friends but not your partner?

I’m with him on this, ideally he would offer but if you never ask and always find a work around so you don’t have to ask him, why would he ask? From his point of view, you’ve been away and you’re going to be delayed from getting home but you’ll call in and have a drink with friends while waiting. From his point of view, I’d be pissed that you haven’t asked me to collect you and you’d rather spend your time with your friends when you’ve been away for a few days. Also, asking your partner for something doesn’t make you precious or demanding. It means you are able to communicate your needs and yes he’s not a mind reader so you need to be able to communicate.

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