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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being precious?

360 replies

FloatingObject · 21/10/2019 08:53

I've been away and this evening I arrive back. I need to get to my village which is just outside the city. My train arrives to the city at 8.30pm. I didnt realise they have cut the 9.30pm service so now my only option is to wait for the 10 30pm train to the village.

I'm really not a princess type but I'm kind of hurt that DP didbt suggest picking me up (it's a 30 min drive). He gets off work at 4pm. I feel like sometimes not being the princess type works to your disadvantage because like my DP just expects me to get on with things which I do, but I'll have been travelling all day and now I'll have to kill 2 hours in a pub near the station and I dunno. If it was reversed I think I would have just offered to pick him up?

Before anyone asks, no, I never ask him for lifts.

Would you be a bit hurt/annoyed by this or no?

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 21/10/2019 11:32

Blimey can’t believe some of the replies on here.
I’ve been married 31 years and DH can be a miserable grumpy old sod (as can I!). He’s us very reluctant to do anything for anyone other than me and our DCs. But he would be out there like a shot collecting any of us irrespective of how far it was.
Isn’t this how it should be for the most important people in your life?

LuaDipa · 21/10/2019 11:36

He said ‘that’s shit. Enjoy the rest of your last day’.

It’s not about him struggling to empathise or thinking op might enjoy the time in the pub. He knows it’s shit, he just doesn’t care. I wouldn’t want to ask someone like this either, and I would not want to remain in a relationship with someone this selfish and unkind.

RedskyToNight · 21/10/2019 11:37

Looked at from the other other point of view ... if DH had sent me a text like OP, I would have thought "wonder if he wants a lift? Oh, he would have said if he did, he's probably going to use the spare time to catch up on all the podcasts he's got queued up". So I wouldn't have offered.
But then DH would have asked for a lift if he'd wanted one, and not expected me to mind read.

Knittedfairies · 21/10/2019 11:51

Earlier this year I drove half an hour to a station to collect my husband who would have had another two hours travelling/waiting to get home by public transport, and it was a very wet and unpleasant journey. He'd planned his trip to include the wait so as not to 'bother' me. Once I realised how long it would take him to get home I offered to pick him up. I didn't want to; I would have much preferred to stay at home, but it was the right thing for me to do.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/10/2019 11:53

It’s not about him struggling to empathise or thinking op might enjoy the time in the pub. He knows it’s shit, he just doesn’t care.

Exactly. That reply isn't a misunderstanding, that he thinks the OP will enjoy the wait.

Pcosmama · 21/10/2019 11:55

Just bloody ask him? Otherwise you'll be in a bad mood all night and inevitably so will he.

Tableclothing · 21/10/2019 11:58

Until OP actually texts him "I really don't want to wait for 2 hours, please can you come and get me?" then this whole thread is basically Schrödinger's Boyfriend. If he says "Yeah, no problem" then it's a communication issue. If he says "No, I want to stay in and rewatch season 2 of Game of Thrones" he's an arsehole. But we don't know, because OP has a bit of a complex about asking for lift (but not actually getting the lift).

AryaStarkWolf · 21/10/2019 11:58

Looked at from the other other point of view ... if DH had sent me a text like OP, I would have thought "wonder if he wants a lift? Oh, he would have said if he did, he's probably going to use the spare time to catch up on all the podcasts he's got queued up". So I wouldn't have offered.
But then DH would have asked for a lift if he'd wanted one, and not expected me to mind read.

See if I got that text from my DH I know he wouldn't ask outright because he wouldn't want me to be put out, our conversation would probably go like this :

DH - Train is delayed by an hour
Me - Oh that's shit, I'll come get you
DH - Ah that's a balls for you, I'm grand
Me - It's not, I don't mind
Dh - Legend

But everyone is different I suppose

AmIThough · 21/10/2019 11:59

@AryaStarkWolf that's the most Irish hypothetical conversation I've ever read in my life - I love it

AryaStarkWolf · 21/10/2019 12:04

@AmIThough haha guilty as charged Grin

ActualHornist · 21/10/2019 12:07

I can’t imagine a situation where I have to wait the expected hour for another train rather than the two hours and my partner, the person I live with, who claims to love me, wouldn’t offer to pick me up. My mum would, my dad would, my brother or sister would.

I understand why you don’t want to ask @FloatingObject. He’s not a mind reader but he is a human being - a selfish, self-absorbed human being. He doesn’t have to want to drive 30 minutes to get you, but this is what people in relationships do. In the world of consideration, he asks if you want him to come and get you, and you either accept or decline as you’ll read your book in the pub or something.

SierraBravo · 21/10/2019 12:08

Sorry, but reading the synopsis you gave of your conversation about it, I wouldn't have offered either.

The way you worded things, to me, sounded like you had everything under control and didn't want/need his help. You said something like, '...so I'll just need to wait in a pub for 2 hours until the next one comes,' which I'd understand as, 'OK, she's got a plan, and is not going to be sitting on the platform/outside in the rain for two hours.'

May just be my reading, but I also would not expect my DP to pick me up in this situation (I wouldn't ever ask, and would definitely not expect any sort of offer).

BlaueLagune · 21/10/2019 12:10

Yes it would be nice if he offered. But he didn't so you should have asked him.

Why do so many people rely on telepathy in their relationships? If you want something, ask!

Communication is key. I imagine we'll guilty of assuming things at times but ultimately if you tell your other half what you want, you've a much better chance of getting it than if you just sit and think it.

ThreeLittleDots · 21/10/2019 12:12

He's trying to make a point, isn't he? He won't come unless you ask. He knows full well you need picking up, but wants to you ask.

Does he play other power games?

Schuyler · 21/10/2019 12:14

I voted YANBU as I think he’s being a thoughtless arse but you’re passive aggressive stubbornness has meant you waiting 2 hours. Ridiculous!

Lifeisabeach09 · 21/10/2019 12:16

I agree with you, OP. Three years into a co-habiting relationship--you shouldn't have to ask. I used to drive hours to pick my ex-H from the airport and vice versa. That's how we rolled though.
He sounds inconsiderate of you.

Lhastingsmua · 21/10/2019 12:16

I understand your side, however from your previous argument - he said that he’s not a mind reader so he’s already shown that he’s not good at picking up hints like you’re expecting; it may have genuinely not occurred for him to offer you a lift especially if he doesn’t give you lifts often as you’re independently. Just ask?

Yes it’s thoughtless that he didn’t offer, but if your feelings are hurt it’s odd - this is the man you chose to date/live with and you already know what he’s like. He probably drives his sister around because he’s used to it/she asks/she doesn’t drive etc.

Realistically you have many options:

  1. Ask him to pick you up from either of the stations
  1. Get a taxi back from either of the stations
  1. Wait for the train
Howdidido · 21/10/2019 12:19

Agree that your stubborness not just to ask and to expect him to know (even though he's previously asked you to ask as he's not a mind reader) is "princess behaviour".
(That is assuming that he is otherwise a nice and considerate man who isn't a selfish arse. You don't seem to think he is apart from this...)
Stop being a princess. Ask him if you want him to or chill in a pub for 2 hours if you don't. But poor guy probably has no idea you're annoyed with him.

FrogsAreMean · 21/10/2019 12:24

LTB

BossAssBitch · 21/10/2019 12:28

Of course he should have offered! Some of you have lame ass partners, why are you selling yourselves short with men who don’t care about you.

My DH wouldn’t dream of me hanging around while he relaxes at home. And the same goes for me, I would drop everything to pick him up. That’s what you do when you love each other Hmm

TeaForTara · 21/10/2019 12:29

I voted YABU - just ask him!

RhiWrites · 21/10/2019 12:36

Also "why not just ask?". Well I mean it's so clear that I wouldnt want to hang around like that (who would?) that I can only assume he just doesn't want to. So if he doesn't want to, then I'm not going to make him when I can just get a pint in and do some work. It's really more about the thought than the reality of the situation

But asking him isn’t making him do it.

Why not text him and say “love, I’ve been thinking, could you pick me up at the station? It’d save me waiting around. What do you think?”

Then he can say “sure good idea” or “I’d rather not if that’s okay, I want to get on with stuff” and then you’d know where he stands.

If he’s likely to say yes and then sulk, that’s a separate problem.

BBBear · 21/10/2019 12:36

I wouldn’t make DH wait 1 hour for the connecting train let alone 2 if he was a half hour drive away, and I know he wouldn’t make me wait either.

Only exception being if the picker upper had other plans that would mean they couldn’t do the pick up - I wouldn’t expect him to change his plans for that.

You need to ask him to pick you up. It would be interesting to hear his answer

MsTSwift · 21/10/2019 12:43

What’s the actual point of a relationship if you don’t do kind things for each other and have each other’s backs? I wouldn’t have to ask neither would dh.

GetUpAgain · 21/10/2019 12:46

How can your village be just outside the city yet 30 mins drive? Is it a total shitty sort of car journey?

I get loads of trains so therefore have to deal with quite a few delays. DH and I have a well tuned train pick up protocol depending on where DC are, who is working when etc. All based on making life less crappy for each other overall. I wouldn't expect DH to drive for an hour round trip to save me from an hours delay on what I had planned, or even to save two hours because of the timings. Total waste of fuel and effort. He'd be better off at home sorting out things there (getting wine in fridge and bath run).