Am I being precious?

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I've been away and this evening I arrive back. I need to get to my village which is just outside the city. My train arrives to the city at 8.30pm. I didnt realise they have cut the 9.30pm service so now my only option is to wait for the 10 30pm train to the village.

I'm really not a princess type but I'm kind of hurt that DP didbt suggest picking me up (it's a 30 min drive). He gets off work at 4pm. I feel like sometimes not being the princess type works to your disadvantage because like my DP just expects me to get on with things which I do, but I'll have been travelling all day and now I'll have to kill 2 hours in a pub near the station and I dunno. If it was reversed I think I would have just offered to pick him up?

Before anyone asks, no, I never ask him for lifts.

Would you be a bit hurt/annoyed by this or no?

If my OH (if I had one and loved him) had been away for any length of time, I'd be eager to see him again, and would have picked him up from the first train, not even expected him to wait for the connection (and then, presumably, a walk back from the train station to home). OPs DP seems not bothered about seeing her again - how could anyone who's been away and is getting back reasonably late, possibly 'enjoy' waiting in a pub on a railway station?

The 'oh, I thought you were fine because you didn't say anything' is a defence often used by neglectful husbands who don't WANT to see a problem.

I do get that I should day what I want, but equally we have had this conversation before, and I would have thought it would be pretty obvious that even the most independent person probably doesn't want to spend 2 hours on a rainy October night sat in a railway pub.

This actually isnt about having to do that at all, because I'm not fearful or edgy about doing that, and I can actually get on with some work so it's a bit of a pain but hardly the end of the world.

It's about the idea of "having to" ask when we've had this conversation before, and more generally unmasked MN because I wanted to get a sense of what people "expect" in a relationship.

I dont really think you should need to ask for these kinds of things tbh. I think a relationship is helping each other out and making life easier for one another. It's not like I wanted him to pick me up from somewhere because it just happens to be a bit more convenient or whatever (in which case sure, hes not a mind reader). It was to avoid sitting in the pub until 10.30pm when its pissing it down outside and uve been on trains and buses since 11am. I dont think it takes a mind reader to realise that's pretty grim.

No, I dont think you should have to ask the person who supposedly loves you for this, when you've already discussed it. I'll need to think what I want to do about it. It looks like I can get a train to a nearby market town thats only a 10 min drive for him so i might ask him to do that

he told me then he wasnt a mind reader.

And he still isn't. Just ask and stop playing stupid passive-aggressive mind games.

I wonder whether this is about deeper issues in your relationship

Because actually some people would prefer the peace and quiet in a pub. Eg if it meant that you weren’t back mid bedtime chaos

So I wonder if more generally you feel that he doesn’t think about your needs.

So when you have the conversation with him about this he will probably say why didn’t you just ask. And you need to calmly say that you want him to be more proactive in the relationship more generally and to prioritise you

Also "why not just ask?". Well I mean it's so clear that I wouldnt want to hang around like that (who would?) that I can only assume he just doesn't want to. So if he doesn't want to, then I'm not going to make him when I can just get a pint in and do some work. It's really more about the thought than the reality of the situation

YANBU, 30 minute trip, I would definitely offer to go get my DH and vice versa

And I have a wonderful relationship with my husband but in this particular situation he wouldn’t automatically come and get him.

Instead when I realised I would phone and ask him and then he would

All these people who say 'he isn't a mind reader' surely expect their OH's to pick up their dirty plates and take them into the dishwasher and sort out their laundry and everything without being asked every time?

Same thing. OP has had the conversation, and he hasn't listened. It's just the 'helping with housework' scaled up.

Agree with others.

I used to have a bf who wasn't kind.

Simple fact.

He wasn't a bastard, he wasn't evil. But he wasn't a caring kind person. He was just a tad selfish, a tad chippy, didn't like doing favours for people and was quick to see himself as being taken advantage of.

I'm glad I'm not with him and bringing up children with him. Feeling a bit like you feel now, on a fairly regular basis, gets tired quite quickly.

My DH is kind. Just nice. He'd offer to pick me up, he'd assume he would be. Nothing to do with anyone being independent.

Your post above doesn't sound one bit like 'passive aggressive mind games'. It sounds like you're realising, three years in, that yours is one of the slightly less kind ones.

Have a think about it.

Of course he should have offered, but I also think that you should have asked. Particularly given the argument you say you had last time round.
Asking isn’t weakness, or being a princess. It might actually start making him think differently, especially as you seem to have unwittingly trained him to leave you to your independent ways.

It’s not obvious at all that you won’t want some peace and quiet and a drink in a pub. I adore doing that by myself particularly after a really busy day

It may be obvious to you that you don’t want to but that doesn’t make it a universal truth

Hence why you need to ask him.it may well be that he doesn’t realise you are unhappy and want to be picked up and he will be happy to do so

You are not precious, and YANBU to want a lift under such circumstances. However, I think that YABU a bit unreasonable not to ask DP. If you never ask for such things, he may well think that you're fiercely independent and don't want such help.

An hour's driving to pick you up seems a bit excessive. Can't you take a taxi?

And again I say on this isolated case I don’t think that he has done anything wrong

However, if for you this is the tip of the iceberg that he doesn’t care or prioritise you then that is different

@FizzyGreenWater Yep agree wholeheartedly with that, similarly I have an ex who wasn't very kind, it made me not be kind in return and so was a horrible relationship. My DH is kind, it's an underrated quality when people are looking for a partner

Ask him to pick you up. If he says no, you have a problem.
I agree I would expect him to offer because I would be looking forward to seeing him and hoping the same in return.

I never really understand thread like this. It's martyrdom.

I'd say to my husband, shit the train is cancelled can you come get me, no big deal, no drama. I wouldn't sit stewing thinking he should offer, and then wait two hours for the train. It's bonkers.

Just ask. Don't be a drama llama about it.

And also thinking about the fact you talked about this case before. He is probably thinking that as he told you he’s not a mind reader that if you wanted to be collected then you would have asked. You didn’t hence you don’t.

What fizzy said ^

I couldn't be with a man who thought so little of me, and so little about me. My Dp is a kind man and would pick me up at no-little disruption to his own life - and has, on numerous occasions without him needing to (I could get home by other means). When my Eurostar was diverted to Ebbsfleet instead of Ashford - he was there, despite adding about an hour to his journey.

He's kind. Op, your DP isn't. And you can't teach or instill this into someone.

I think he could have offered OP but you do seem to be aware that he doesn't always put 2 and 2 together and come up with 4 so personally I feel that asking would have been wise here. From your point of view I can definitely see why it upset you though as you are just looking at it from your angle.

Now how about looking at it from your DPs point of view?

You knew you were going away and organised the travel yourself. The trains/transport would have been the same when you booked it as it is now, you simply didn't check all of the train times. Now because you never checked what times the trains ran you expect your DP to interrupt the last couple of hours of his weekend to pick you up.

In his position, I would still have come to get you but honestly, I'd have been a bit pissed off that you couldn't even organise your travel and because of this you expect to be collected from the train station. Most people that I know really value those last hours of a weekend before work again and just want to do as little as possible.

We have limited control over other peoples actions but full control over our own. In this situation the problem could have been resolved with better planning from yourself, perhaps that what you should focus on at this stage.

I understand why you are a bit miffed. My DH would offer, but I'd probably say no as it would mean dragging the kids along too. I'd rather just wait in the pub and do some work. However, it's the point that he WOULD offer that matters. I don't think YABU to think that he should offer, but YABU to not just ask, when it's clear he won't offer by himself.

So many people seem to want partners to infer their needs / wants, and get silently resentful if they're not anticipated.

Like my mother in law, who is constantly seething over some 3rd party who failed to behave in the anticipated way, but who would never ever communicate this behavioural preference openly.

Seems to be a recipe for constant disappointment in others! If I need something from someone I ask.

If I have a preference, I state it. If someone consistently behaves in ways I find unappealing, I voice it.

He said "that's shit!!! Hope you make the most of your last day in X, see you later".

Sounds like he's not that fussed about you, tbh, especially as, he goes all the way into the city to collect his sister whenever she wants to visit.

This, his response, and your updates' suggest he's not for you, OP. I suggest you'll forever feel let down by this man. He doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated. It's the little things in the long run that make a relationship ... and if he'snot making you feel loved and cherished in moments like this, well .... what's the point of him?

Imagine having kids with him ... you're wiped, you've been knee deep in tiny people after a long week ... and he's happy to just let you get on with it and do his own thing.

Op I can see where you’re coming from. I hate asking too. I think when you can be the type of person that just gets on with everything by themselves and hates asking for anything. A persona of being totally independent.
The fact that you’ve had this conversation and that his text sounds like he doesn’t want to offer would upset me too.

You were cutting your nose to spite your face... How incredibly stubborn and pathetic! Most people have said YABU and you aren't willing to accept it. Why post on AIBU at all?