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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being precious?

360 replies

FloatingObject · 21/10/2019 08:53

I've been away and this evening I arrive back. I need to get to my village which is just outside the city. My train arrives to the city at 8.30pm. I didnt realise they have cut the 9.30pm service so now my only option is to wait for the 10 30pm train to the village.

I'm really not a princess type but I'm kind of hurt that DP didbt suggest picking me up (it's a 30 min drive). He gets off work at 4pm. I feel like sometimes not being the princess type works to your disadvantage because like my DP just expects me to get on with things which I do, but I'll have been travelling all day and now I'll have to kill 2 hours in a pub near the station and I dunno. If it was reversed I think I would have just offered to pick him up?

Before anyone asks, no, I never ask him for lifts.

Would you be a bit hurt/annoyed by this or no?

OP posts:
Daisydrum · 22/10/2019 23:11

OP he sounds awful! It was quite clear from the offset that you needed a lift. Any thoughtful person would’ve offered. And any person who loved you would be concerned about your whereabouts and would be checking their phone all evening! I personally would have called sobbing! (But maybe that says more about me). But I need to talk/unload when I get that upset.
It seems this person is not the one for you.
Hope you spend the next six months having more fun Smile

Celledora · 23/10/2019 02:30

This is the behaviour of a man baby. I’m sure he knows you’d pick him up in a heartbeat and probably wouldn’t think twice about accepting/expecting that. You deserve better.

MollyButton · 23/10/2019 07:19

He said i dont know clearly I'm a terrible person
I said look i just want to talk about this calmly not have an argument. Dont you think it would have been a kind of nice and normal thing to do when you love someone?
He said yeah well I dont want to talk about it now for fucks sake, making me feel fucking guilty like that. I'm not discussing it now.

Quite simply if that is how he behaves - then dump him.
Yes he is self entitled and won't listen. Either he has decided that you are just a nag so doesn't listen. Or he is just extremely self centred.
The turning the thing around to blame you, and the absence of any hint of an apology - show that he's not relating to you as an adult but as a sulky child and trying to cast you as an unreasonable parent.

ptumbi · 23/10/2019 07:45

All the posters saying 'he;s not a mind reader' - well, he reads his sister's mind, doesn't he? He goes and gets her so she is not inconvenienced by waiting in stations or hotels, lat night!

And basically, that is what I'd do (and my DP and my kids and everyone else I know) would do for a mate, let alone someone I love.

OP this man doesn't love you. He likes the life with you, so long as you don't inconvenience him in any way. I bet he slept well last night; not a thought for you in a manky hotel, far, far half an hour from home!

HoppingPavlova · 23/10/2019 07:50

All the posters saying 'he;s not a mind reader' - well, he reads his sister's mind, doesn't he? He goes and gets her so she is not inconvenienced by waiting in stations or hotels, lat night!

Or, maybe his sister tells him her train will be in at 8pm and to pick her up then. Who knows, in anticipation of him being a bit useless maybe she texts him when she is an hour out telling him to get off his arse and it’s time to leave. One of mine does this sort of stuff with her sibling as she recognises they need a bit of organising for things to go to plan. Maybe his sister doesn’t expect him to read her mind. How do we know anything about this?

timeisnotaline · 23/10/2019 08:15

There’s no future with someone who doesn’t care enough about your relationship to discuss it.

ElizaDee · 23/10/2019 08:44

Change your way of talking to you taking responsibility. I would have asked my dh to help me. People can't read your mind

You shouldn't need to ask, or spell it out to your DP/DH that you need collecting when you are stranded.

Hattie78 · 23/10/2019 09:11

Your conversation is exactly how conversations would go with my exh (and is one of the reasons he's an ex). We could never get to the bottom of anything as, despite me approaching things in a non-confrontational 'this made me feel' rather than 'you did X', he would always just get in a huff/respond with 'oh I'm so awful' etc. It just gets to the point where you suck everything up as you know nothing will never change and that's just not healthy.
I don't think this man is the one for you. Hugs.

jwpetal · 23/10/2019 09:21

you are asking him to be, how you expect without communicating with him. communication is a two way street. Ask, don't expect. I am guessing your relationship has never been that way, but why the sudden change. Personally, I would go to the pub, have a drink of whatever and relax, but I am a mum to 3. Have a open and gentle conversation about this and open the door. My BF is going through a divorce and her gripes are all like this. it does my head in. Ask, speak, discuss don't expect.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/10/2019 09:28

I think a lot of posters are missing the fact that Floating has already had this conversation before. About the exact same thing. So her partner knows.

He just doesn't want to do anything about it. The classic 'oh, yeah, I must be so awful, why don't you just leave me then, I'm clearly really a nasty person', is all designed so that you reassure them that no, they are a really good and loveable person and you clearly overreacted and why don't you make them a nice cup of tea and give them a massage?

I think Blocked has it with
I feel like what OP wanted was for him to want to pick her up - thus demonstrating he cared for her safety and wellbeing.

He should have cared enough to offer. He didn't. And now he's the one who's hurt?

Hullygully · 23/10/2019 10:03

He's vile.

Just get rid.

Seriously.

There are lots of fun caring joyous lovely people out there. Don't waste any more time.

SoupDragon · 23/10/2019 10:07

I think a lot of posters are missing the fact that Floating has already had this conversation before. About the exact same thing. So her partner knows

Yes, they had the conversation about the exact same thing before and he told her to ask. So, she knows. 🤷🏻‍♀️

They just aren't compatible.

That's not to say he isn't being an arse now though.

LittleMissMe99 · 23/10/2019 10:11

Why didn't you just ask?

BlockedandDeleted · 23/10/2019 10:21

Why didn't you just ask?

After treading OPs updates, I feel like she's been trained from birth not to express her needs and therefore internalised fallacious belief that her needs aren't important.

Alongside the fact she has an absent Father (maybe why she picks unavailable men?) then "just asking" becomes a huge psychological barrier.

I think OP needs to leave this relationship, get a good therapist and work it all out, hopefully she'll realise that she is worth it, learn how to express it and start making good choices - including picking good partners.

Good luck OP, you are definitely worth it.

celticprincess · 23/10/2019 10:28

Why bairns get now. Just ask.

penisbeakers · 23/10/2019 10:31

Oh for goodness sake. Dithering about won't get you picked up will it? 🙄

Vanhi · 23/10/2019 11:23

All the posters saying 'he;s not a mind reader' - well, he reads his sister's mind, doesn't he? He goes and gets her so she is not inconvenienced by waiting in stations or hotels, lat night!

Yes, it's not as if he needs to read minds, is it? He's known the OP three years so can work out that she's reticent about asking. He knew she didn't want to wait around, or be stranded looking for a hotel as he sympathised with her that the situation was bad. Yet knowing it was bad and knowing there was something easy he could do to change it, he did nothing. That's not someone who is instinctively kind or who has the OP's best interests at heart.

leomama81 · 23/10/2019 12:22

*@NoSauce

I don't think OP's contradicting herself. I don't see the point in trying to catch OP out. She clarified that her DH knew about the cut off because she told him, but he didn't know about it before.*

Yep, really not sure what these "detective" posters are not getting here - everybody else understands perfectly clearly! Maybe stay off the sauce or stop troll hunting?

leomama81 · 23/10/2019 12:36

Sorry OP should have read to the end before getting exasperated with earlier PPs!

I would feel just the same as you - he should have offered in the first place, clearly realizing that the situation was for you "shit", in his own words, and then not coming when everything got even worse is awful of him. No, you shouldn't have had to ask, and not sure why anyone has such low standards that they are happy to just write it off as "men not thinking" 🙄 when their long term partner clearly knows that they are in a bad situation but yet requires some kind of instruction to help?? Perhaps some are ok to be with someone so inconsiderate, I certainly wouldn't be and I don't blame you for feeling you aren't either.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 23/10/2019 14:30

YABU - If you want picking up then just ask.

NoSauce · 23/10/2019 15:18

leomama81

Go back and read my first post and then read the OPs response, then read my second post and how the OP responds to that.

She did say he knew and then he didn’t.

How that is supposed to be catching anyone out I don’t know. As for troll hunting? Talk about shit stirring.

If you’d been arsed to read to my posts you’d have seen why I asked the OP again because she gave me TWO different answers.

ptumbi · 23/10/2019 16:13

How anyone can send texts sympathising that yes, it is shit, and then do absolutely nothing for OP. is not someone I want in my life.

If my DP, my kids, my mate, NDN texted to say my connection will be 2 hour gap, late at night, then texted to say it was delayed, then texted to say I was basically stranded - surely your FIRST question is 'how can I help?'. Not 'yes it;s shit isn't it?' whilst sitting nice and warm on the sofa at home. Angry

A mate of mine was stuck trying to get out of Gatwick last christmas - her DP wouldn't even think about driving her to Stansted because winge moan moan roads snowy one hour each way moan winge. He wanted to stay at home playing Ps4. I offered to drive her myself, but this showed him up as the Twat he is, so they stuck with Gatwick and she flew out 3 days later (at no little cost to her).

I'm not a mind reader. You don't need to be, to offer to help someone you love. Even if that person doesn't normally 'need' or request help.

LatiaTowlai · 23/10/2019 16:13

Sometimes people and men in particular just don't think logically. I went to a class at the gym and spine to someone who said they'd never been in the gym because they don't want to go in alone. it took me TWO whole days to realise I should have asked her if she wanted to go in with me!!!!!!

Tessabelle74 · 24/10/2019 00:06

Unless he's a mind reader, how would he know you want him to pick you up? Just open your mouth and ask, if he says no, yanbu to be upset but until then yes you are bu

BadSun · 24/10/2019 01:13

Unless he's a mind reader, how would he know you want him to pick you up?

It's just common sense. If someone you care about says "oh no i'm stuck at the station all night", a considerate person automatically offers to get them. You don't need to be a mind reader. You just need to not be a dick.