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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being precious?

360 replies

FloatingObject · 21/10/2019 08:53

I've been away and this evening I arrive back. I need to get to my village which is just outside the city. My train arrives to the city at 8.30pm. I didnt realise they have cut the 9.30pm service so now my only option is to wait for the 10 30pm train to the village.

I'm really not a princess type but I'm kind of hurt that DP didbt suggest picking me up (it's a 30 min drive). He gets off work at 4pm. I feel like sometimes not being the princess type works to your disadvantage because like my DP just expects me to get on with things which I do, but I'll have been travelling all day and now I'll have to kill 2 hours in a pub near the station and I dunno. If it was reversed I think I would have just offered to pick him up?

Before anyone asks, no, I never ask him for lifts.

Would you be a bit hurt/annoyed by this or no?

OP posts:
Velveteenfruitbowl · 21/10/2019 09:25

I’m not a demanding type of person, I generally don’t ask for help unless I really need it. In your position I probably wouldn’t ask but I couldn’t imagine DH leaving me in a train station pub late at night for two hours when he could just pick me up.

NoSauce · 21/10/2019 09:28

Yes he knew the cut off had changed

He didn't know about the cut off and i didnt

Confused
BusterGonad · 21/10/2019 09:30

I find it astounding that amount of things my partner never offers to do, if I go out all day the same shit will be by the sink waiting, if it rains the washing I'll still be on the line, if I'm late home the animals will still be roaming the garden waiting to be put away.....but in this situation I'm pretty sure he'd offer to pick me up as it's so bloody obvious that that is the best thing to do! You Dp sounds like a bit of a knob tbh and I 100% understand that you feel you shouldn't need to ask!

Oysterbabe · 21/10/2019 09:31

Yeah well it's because we had an argument about this exact situation last year (arriving late to a station, hanging around, him not offering) and he told me then he wasnt a mind reader.

So he explicitly said to you that he didn't realise and you should ask yet still you won't?

Dishwashersaurous · 21/10/2019 09:31

Did you ask him?

Maybe he thought that you wanted some peaceful time in the pub

Original poster
FloatingObject · 21/10/2019 09:31

@NoSauce

FFS why are you boring on about this point?

Neither of us knew about the cut off.

I found out about the cut off.

I then texted him about the cut off, so then he also knew about the cut off.

I told him because of the cut off, I would need to hang around until 10.30pm for a train.

He said "that's shit!!! Hope you make the most of your last day in X, see you later".

OP posts:
BlockedandDeleted · 21/10/2019 09:32

we had an argument about this exact situation last year (arriving late to a station, hanging around, him not offering) and he told me then he wasnt a mind reader

Short-term - learn from that experience, change your behaviour and ask?
Longer term, figure out if this is the right relationship for you.

Original poster
FloatingObject · 21/10/2019 09:33

@Oysterbabe
You could look at it that way, you could also look at it as: "so she specifically told you she finds that quite hurtful, yet you still dont?"

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 21/10/2019 09:35

I wouldn't like the fact that he would trot off without question if it's his sister, but I can just lump it. No no no.

NoSauce · 21/10/2019 09:36

NoSauce

FFS why are you boring on about this point?

Because you totally contradicted yourself, that’s why?

Tableclothing · 21/10/2019 09:36

Communication skills are a two way thing. It's as important to be able to articulate what you want/need as it is to listen to the other person's wants/needs.

NoSauce · 21/10/2019 09:37

And given the fact you didn’t ask him to pick you up even after he didn’t offer gives you no place to be moaning and snapping at people on here.

MollyButton · 21/10/2019 09:37

You have two issues:
You want him to offer - that would be nice, but it might not occur to him. his sister is different either she demands, or it has become so routine that that is what he expects, but with you you have set the routine as making your own way home.

If you need a lift you need to ask. If you do this enough you may reset his normal, and he might start expecting to pick you up.

To be honest if possible I would get a Taxi or Uber rather than wait that long.

fancytiles · 21/10/2019 09:38

Maybe tell him it annoyed you he didn't ask, he might then ask next time :)

ginghamtablecloths · 21/10/2019 09:39

I was like you - didn't like to make a fuss or be a nuisance but the fact is that if you don't ask you don't get. It would have been nice of him to offer. Next time maybe point out the that the service has been dropped and would he mind?

Mephisto · 21/10/2019 09:39

OP, reverse the situation. Would you have offered him a lift?

And if yes, does this happen in other areas of your relationship too?

If yes, time to make a change and start expecting as much from him as you give to him. Otherwise it's death by a thousand cuts.

NearlyGranny · 21/10/2019 09:41

If he'd hop in the car to fetch his sister without waiting to be asked, he should do the same for you. You could save 1.5 hours' waiting, he could have an extra 1.5 hours of your company.

Seems as if he isn't too bothered. I would have picked you up. Is he a banned/nervous/drunken driver? But he didn't even say, “Oh, shame I'm on my second g&t/beer/glass of wine or I'd come and get you, " did he?

Ask next time!

Billben · 21/10/2019 09:41

FFS why are you boring on about this point?

😂 Nosauce wasn’t the only one who noticed you contradicting yourself so chill.

Howdidido · 21/10/2019 09:44

You can't force empathy but you can teach it.
So ask! And he'll understand that's the kind of thing you need.
Maybe he just wouldn't expect it of you and so thinks you think the same

Please ask. It's not fair to expect him to mind read especially if it will mean you're annoyed
(And I say this as being in exactly the same kind of relationship... if he wouldn't expect it he wouldn't offer. Unless I was debilitated in some way. But by asking he learns what I need... that's not to say I don't still get annoyed sometimes! But then IABU!

Mephisto · 21/10/2019 09:45

@NoSauce

I don't think OP's contradicting herself. I don't see the point in trying to catch OP out. She clarified that her DH knew about the cut off because she told him, but he didn't know about it before.

MrsMaiselsMuff · 21/10/2019 09:45

I started out thinking you were not being precious, but the more you post, the more it's clear you are, and stubborn too.

If you need a lift, ask for one. Be a grown up and articulate your needs. If you can't even do that (or choose not to do so) then you only have yourself to blame.

MissBax · 21/10/2019 09:46

You sound very young.

Zaphodsotherhead · 21/10/2019 09:46

Recently split up with a man who wouldn't offer. Ever. He would do it if asked, but I didn't WANT always to have to be asking for things that should be a common courtesy, like carrying a really heavy bag of shopping (he would watch me struggle and not take it from me) or picking up from somewhere that wouldn't inconvenience him. He just literally never thought to offer, almost as though he didn't see me as a real person who needed help - ever.

NoSauce · 21/10/2019 09:47

I’m not trying to catch her out. I asked if he knew and she gave two different replies as shown in her posts that I quoted.

Whattodoabout · 21/10/2019 09:48

Yes, most people would automatically think to offer for someone they cared about. I wouldn’t let DH wait around in the cold for an hour for the next train if I could drive half an hour to pick him up.

You could have asked but I get your point, you shouldn’t have to. Maybe you’re not as much of a priority to him as you thought.

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