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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being precious?

360 replies

FloatingObject · 21/10/2019 08:53

I've been away and this evening I arrive back. I need to get to my village which is just outside the city. My train arrives to the city at 8.30pm. I didnt realise they have cut the 9.30pm service so now my only option is to wait for the 10 30pm train to the village.

I'm really not a princess type but I'm kind of hurt that DP didbt suggest picking me up (it's a 30 min drive). He gets off work at 4pm. I feel like sometimes not being the princess type works to your disadvantage because like my DP just expects me to get on with things which I do, but I'll have been travelling all day and now I'll have to kill 2 hours in a pub near the station and I dunno. If it was reversed I think I would have just offered to pick him up?

Before anyone asks, no, I never ask him for lifts.

Would you be a bit hurt/annoyed by this or no?

OP posts:
bpirockin · 22/10/2019 18:16

If you spend your life expecting others to be/do the same as you, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Some people need to learn how much these little gestures can mean,especially when they are with someone who usually just gets on with it. Just remember when he offers the next time not to fob it off, and reply with a "thanks but I should be okay. I'll let you know if there's a problem."

Please ask, give the guy a chance, he'll probably appreciate the opportunity to 'treat' his self-sufficient, independent lady for a change.

Roussette · 22/10/2019 18:17

It's not really about not feeling comfortable asking him I dont think. I think it's about wanting to be in the type of relationship where somebody would be thoughtful enough to ask and would put your comfort/safety above their own comfort without even thinking twice, I guess because that's what I'd naturally do

What a strange relationship you have. Why aren't you more open with your DP? I just don't get it. If I was stuck at the station 30 mins away I would be ringing my DH saying "look love, I know you're watching the footie, but I'm knackered and there's no bus for 2 hours, be a darling and pick me up"

Why are you playing games all the time? Why can't you be more open with your thoughts and feelings? It just sounds like you are testing your DP all the time

Roussette · 22/10/2019 18:21

So you're blanking him. How juvenile. He will have no idea why.

I know someone like this. She expects her DH to be able to read her mind to the nth degree. She once about 20 years ago mentioned she would like some diamond earrings one day (apparently). She had a big birthday. He bought her a beautiful watch. She never told him but she was furious (told me). He should've remembered that one day she'd like some diamond earrings.

Why don't people communicate more with their partners?

Odd.

Original poster
FloatingObject · 22/10/2019 18:24

Except I'm not asking him to magically guess I want diamond earrings for my birthday am I FFS

OP posts:
WaningGibbous · 22/10/2019 18:25

Why are you playing games all the time? Why can't you be more open with your thoughts and feelings?

Because it's not so much a game as a test. Does he care enough about me? Does he care about my safety? Is he bothered how am I? Would he do this thing for me - he does it for his sister? Do I mean so little to him?

Basically you ended up in a shitty mood in a shitty hotel because a. It didn't occur to him to show some basic consideration or b. He wasn't that bothered what happened to you. Either isn't good. I reckon now your eyes are open there will be more tests and he will fail more of them.

MrsMaiselsMuff · 22/10/2019 18:28

You tried to prove a point and played a silly game. It backfired and you ended up in a shit hotel. Lesson learned.

caringcarer · 22/10/2019 18:30

Of course he should have come to collect you. Maybe as you suggest you have made him think you can do everything without his help or support. Ring him back tell him you are tired and ask him to collect you.

adaline · 22/10/2019 18:31

You're just shooting yourself in the foot here.

You could have asked him for a lift, but instead you're insisting on being stubborn and losing out. Now you're going to be stuck at a pub on your own until 10.30pm because you won't pull on your big girl pants and talk to your DP.

Roussette · 22/10/2019 18:33

I doubt my DH would''ve straightaway realised I needed picking up if he was engrossed in a game of footie. But I would just ask. I wouldn't be playing games and expecting him to realise and saying 'I'm fine' when I'm not

OP the diamond earrings thing was just an analogy. TALK to your partner about your thoughts and feelings FFS

SaintWillibald · 22/10/2019 18:33

For the love of all that is holy, just ASK!

BadSun · 22/10/2019 18:44

Am I misreading this thread? OP found out train would be 2 hours later than expected and her DP didn't offer to pick her up, then she found out the train was cancelled altogether and the DP STILL didn't offer her to just drive half an hour and pick her up?

And people are saying it's her fault and that she should have asked?

I must be misreading it because that is absurd. What kind of a dick wouldn't immediately offer to pick someone up at 11pm after the last train was cancelled?

Roussette · 22/10/2019 18:46

I wouldn't have got to that point. I would've asked my DH to pick me up and I'd be sat at home now with my slippers lying on the sofa.

CSIblonde · 22/10/2019 18:46

Just ask. Some people are just generally ditzy & clueless about the thoughtful or common sense stuff.

user1498572889 · 22/10/2019 18:49

I spent most of my life just sorting things out for myself. I think that when you have grown up with people unwilling to help you it’s just easier not to ask so that you don’t end up feeling unimportant again. It’s always at the back of your mind should I ask shouldn’t I ask. Should I expect people to just know if I need help. But the feeling of disappointment when someone says no never goes away. I think I have over compensated with my kids by trying to help them with everything and probably getting on their nerves. Lol

Original poster
FloatingObject · 22/10/2019 18:51

@user1498572889 That's really sweet. Bless you Flowers

OP posts:
theendoftheendoftheend · 22/10/2019 18:52

I'm with you on this one OP, why the heck didn't come and pick you up? That's the kind of thing you do for the people you care about, as he obviously knows as he picks his sister up from the train station. It's not the kind of thing you should have to ask from a partner, well not in the kind of relationship I would want to be in anyway.

MintyMabel · 22/10/2019 18:53

My OH would have picked me up in these circumstances. I’m far from a princess. It’s just what couples do. I’d have done the same for him.

There is a difference between being kind to someone and treating them like a princess.

FelicisNox · 22/10/2019 18:53

YABU for the simple reason that you are not communicating what you want and expect your DP to mind read.

Ring him. If he says no, then YANBU.

BadSun · 22/10/2019 18:55

It’s just what couples do. I’d have done the same for him

It's not even a couples thing! I would do this for any friend or family member. Offering would be automatic for anyone with any manners.

BlueJava · 22/10/2019 18:59

I wouldn't think twice about asking and often do "I'll be into X station at such and such time, can you pick me up please or shall I get a taxi?" Seems pretty simple and my OH is lovely but not a mind reader. Surely it makes things difficult all round if you expect him to "guess" and he doesn't, too much like hard work!

Lovebeingmama · 22/10/2019 19:02

YANBU he should have immediately said I’ll pick you up. If he didn’t say this, I’d then ask though to be honest. Wld I be cheesed off by having to ask ...yes! ...

MaybeitsMaybelline · 22/10/2019 19:06

Out of order, two hours sat in a station FFs. dH would have just come out for me and he can be an insensitive soul, if he didn’t offer I would ask him to come for me. I live half an hour from the city so can I again the situation. Selfish twunt.

SunshineCake · 22/10/2019 19:17

Is it clearly inconvenient to him to pick you up the same clear message that you don't want a lift ?

PurbeckStone · 22/10/2019 19:22

The number of people who can't be bothered to read OP's updates is ridiculous. FFS, the OP got home this morning and 'just call him and ask' type of advice is almost 24 hours too late now. Confused

OP, as evidenced by a lot of threads and advice on the relationship boards, MN has a lot of posters with very low standards who are now blaming you for 'playing games'. Just ignore that kind of 'helpful' advice, you really don't want the type of relationship they must have.

That your DP didn't offer to pick you up and only called you at close to 1am to find out if you were okay is a really poor show, what a selfish, inconsiderate dick!
Decent men (and women!) don't leave their partner wandering around in a small deserted town at night trying to get home somehow. It has absolutely nothing to do with being princess-y or expecting people to be mind readers. People's low expectations are really quite depressing. Don't settle for this man, you deserve someone much nicer, especially since this doesn't appear to be a one-off cock-up but a recurrent theme in your relationship.
Flowers and I hope Brexit doesn't screw too much with your plans!

BigFatLiar · 22/10/2019 19:24

I think you've given your own answer in your post. You're not the princess type. By which I suspect you mean that you're quite able to cope on your own with most situations. I suspect your OH knows this and would expect you to ask if you needed help otherwise he'd assume you didn't want help. All it would have taken probably would be a simple can I have a lift please.

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