Am I being precious?

[FloatingObject]

I've been away and this evening I arrive back. I need to get to my village which is just outside the city. My train arrives to the city at 8.30pm. I didnt realise they have cut the 9.30pm service so now my only option is to wait for the 10 30pm train to the village.

I'm really not a princess type but I'm kind of hurt that DP didbt suggest picking me up (it's a 30 min drive). He gets off work at 4pm. I feel like sometimes not being the princess type works to your disadvantage because like my DP just expects me to get on with things which I do, but I'll have been travelling all day and now I'll have to kill 2 hours in a pub near the station and I dunno. If it was reversed I think I would have just offered to pick him up?

Before anyone asks, no, I never ask him for lifts.

Would you be a bit hurt/annoyed by this or no?

@FloatingObject
I was firmly in the just ask 🙄 camp.
He behaved really shittily.
Whether you break the ice or not, I don’t know. But sometime soon you might want to have a conversation along the lines of, ‘we’ve got into a rut where I don’t ask and you don’t offer. Leaving me out last night when you could have offered to help was unkind and thoughtless. We either need to radically reboot this relationship or call it a day.’

I’m just appalled at your DP. I know people aren’t all the same, but bugger me, you tell him you have to hang round for 2 hours and he doesn’t immediately offer to drive 30 minutes to pick you up? I would have asked, in your situation, but I wouldn’t have to, because my dh would have promptly told me he’d be there. His responses were frankly moronic.

From page 1;
Yeah well it's because we had an argument about this exact situation last year (arriving late to a station, hanging around, him not offering) and he told me then he wasnt a mind reader.

Meanwhile when his sister comes to visit he picks her up straight from the city, even when trains are running with no problem.

Is everyone up to speed now?

"I wouldn't like the fact that he would trot off without question if it's his sister, but I can just lump it. No no no."

I think it's quite different when someone is coming to visit, especially if you don't see them often.

Perhaps his sister is the princess type and used to this.

OP needs to tell her OH that she is now also the princess type and not self reliant so needs Oh to start fetching her from the station, running her around and making sure she's alright. If you don't want to be the princess then ask when you need help, if you want to be the princess then thats ok as well.

(At least mention to him that you realise he knows you're more than capable but if theres a problem with the trains you would like him to offer to collect)

"he doesn’t immediately offer to drive 30 minutes to pick you up?"

Yes, but it would be an hour for him wouldn't it?

@Gwenhwyfar ....? And?

OP your post has resonated with me. Similar family background to you (overstretched parents) and until this year I spent 9 years (!) in a relationship with a man who was lovely, gentle, but also completely thoughtless a lot of the time. He was, as a previous poster said, a "head down" person. I remember being disappointed and annoyed in the early years by lots of 'little' things and having arguments on the occasions when his thoughtlessness was writ large or made public, but overall over time I adapted and got used to the idea that if I needed any help I had to sort it out myself or ask for it clearly. He never noticed when I needed a hand with something and always assumed I was fine coming home alone late at night.

That relationship ended for other reasons and I started dating someone who was the exact opposite. A few weeks in, talking to a friend about it, I was overwhelmed by sadness realising just how little I had actually asked and expected of my previous partner. All that time I had assumed it was hard for him to know what I needed and assumed (unconsciously) that I was hard to please, and then someone completely new walks in who barely knows me and demonstrates that it's actually bloody simple. I am not complicated and neither are my needs. I finally realised I am very good at anticipating other people's needs and being caring and thoughtful and it's not unreasonable or unrealistic to expect the same back in a relationship - yes, even a relationship with a man. With hindsight, none of my expectations of my ex-partner were unreasonable and I wish I had known that a long time ago. I wish my childhood hadn't set me up for decades of being so resolutely self-sufficient, never wanting to put other people out, and I'm sad I spent so many years looking after my partner and not getting the same care in return, but I'm glad I learned eventually. I don't know whether what I've described with my ex is close to your own experiences, but if it is then I really recommend psychotherapy to understand your relationship to your own needs, it has helped me. Good luck in working out what to do.

Can you ask your DP, quite gently and in a non-confrontational way, exactly why it never occurred to him to come and pick you up? Don't make it sound like an accusation, just a general question...

his reply should tell you a lot. If he tries to blame you ('you should have said something, how was I to know you didn't want to be stranded in a grotty hotel 30 minutes drive from home?') or pretend that he had no idea that you might need a lift, then you know where you stand.

If he apologises profusely, says he'd had a drink or was otherwise tied up ...no, actually, it still doesn't work. A decent person would have offered, not waited for you to ask. You could always have said no to his offer, if you didn't need or want a lift, couldn't you?

Dying to hear what his reasoning is...

OP, you ask about what is normal and I think it's more about what works for you and makes you happy. Clearly this man doesn't and I wouldn't be happy dating someone who left me on my own late at night somewhere when he could have picked me up. Whilst I don't have the same background as you there are some similarities. My mum is very self effacing and never wants to put others out or be a bother. That's how she was brought up and it's the example she set us. I have learned to be very independent.

I'd been dating my DP for a few weeks when we were going to the same event, but not as a date, just as something we would both have been doing anyway. A few days before, knowing that I don't have a car and public transport is sparse where we live, he texted me to ask if I wanted a lift to and/ or from. I didn't have to ask - it was just a normal thing for him to think about and anticipate. I thought this was lovely and texted back asking for a lift home.

Anyway, I got the bus to the event and given timings it meant sitting around on my own for an hour. I don't mind, I'm used to this. When he arrived he asked me how I'd got there and I explained. He didn't specifically say anything but he was clearly a bit hurt that I hadn't accepted his offer of help, preferring instead to sit around on my own. It was quite a valuable lesson for me, as I'm shit at relationships, that nice people want to help and that you should let them. Now we just communicate openly about travel plans and what is reasonable, and what I genuinely am happy with and what he is happy with. We care about each other, try to anticipate what the other might want and talk about it if in doubt.

I'm not really sure where this is going, except it might give you food for thought. There are men out there who are happy to help out and who can indeed work it out without being told. Find one of them and let them help, because it's nice to be a team and undoubtedly you'll help them out to. You don't have to be a mind reader to work out that someone doesn't want to spend the night in a crappy hotel when you could come and pick them up.

It doesn't really matter who's right or wrong here although CLEARLY you are right

What matters is that you're in a relationship where you can't ask for what you need, and your DP doesn't seem to care about everyday kindness.

You're worth more, and he can find someone else who's happy to ask.

I'm sorry he hasn't offered. You are quite right. Unless you have children at home I think it's inconsiderate not to offer when he knows you will have two hours to kill. YANBU.

I wouldn’t even waste time waiting for the offer, I would just ask for the lift (although, having kids, the opportunity to sit in a pub on my own for 2 hours would be blissful!!).

I don’t think you are being precious about wanting a lift, but I do think you are being a bit precious by not just asking for one.

If I’d got home on a cold wet evening after a long day and received this text from DP I’d be internally thinking ‘please don’t ask, please don’t ask’ of course if DP didn’t actually fancy sitting in the pub (he probably would though) then he’d ask and I’d make the hour long round trip with a few (light hearted) sighs. The not asking baffles me. I’d absolutely assume if not asked he wasn’t bothered. If I wanted a lift I’d ask too without a second thought

Oh dear, so shoot me for not realising when this was posted. Jftr, I would never have to ask for a lift as dh would always offer so my relationships is just fine, thanks.

@Zaphodsotherhead Well we've now progressed to sitting in silence on the couch so I think I will use your question now to break the ice

Okay. Well that was fucking awful. By the way throughout this conversation Inkept a really soft calm tone.
So I turned to him and said "you know I was actually really hurt about yesterday".
He said what about it?
I said why didnt it occur to you to come and pick me up?
He said well I offered.
I said sure but that was half an hour after I left the station, I'd found a solution before then.
He said I didnt know before then did I.
I said yes you did. Because 2 hours before I arrived in the city I told you we were sat stuck in the train and it was clear I was going to miss all connections.
He said well you told me they were sorting you all out with taxis.
I said yeah, that was 45 min after that though.
He said well I'm not going to spend all night checking my phone am I?
I said I'm just wondering why, as soon I told you that I was going to miss all connections, you didnt just say "well look dont worry about I'll come and pick you up"
He said i dont know clearly I'm a terrible person
I said look i just want to talk about this calmly not have an argument. Dont you think it would have been a kind of nice and normal thing to do when you love someone?
He said yeah well I dont want to talk about it now for fucks sake, making me feel fucking guilty like that. I'm not discussing it now.

Then he did what he normally does which is start swearing and huffing under his breath with this kind of sneer on his face so I just walked out and shut the door.

This is why I never feel confident talking to him about our relationship or stuff because whenever I try no matter what angle I approach it from he just gets kind of low level aggressive and/or shuts me down. Hes really nice and pleasant otherwise it's when he feels theres any kind of criticism leveled at him it's like he cant take it

Hes really nice and pleasant otherwise it's when he feels theres any kind of criticism leveled at him it's like he cant take it

Oh Christ. Pretty much everyone is nice when they're getting their own way and it's all easy. You'll see what someone is really like when you have to have a difficult conversation or when they're not getting their own way. And in your own words, he's aggressive and shuts you down.

Honestly OP I'd leave him and find someone kind.

He said i dont know clearly I'm a terrible person...Then he did what he normally does which is start swearing and huffing under his breath with this kind of sneer on his face

Nope, he's not a good person OP, you need to get out of this relationship, not worth any more effort now.

My DH would have been waiting at the station at 8.30 to collect me. Without being asked.

Your DP is a dick. Leave him asap and get some counselling/work on yourself.

I get your point about him not offering. He shouldn't need to be asked.

He's not a nice guy. Maybe not a terrible guy but selfish, thoughtless and a bit manipulative. Dump him and find someone more mature.

OP,
First. I'm on your side. But, maybe there was a better tactic to this?

"So I turned to him and said "you know I was actually really hurt about yesterday".
He said what about it?
I said why didnt it occur to you to come and pick me up?
He said well I offered."

Instead of 'why didn't you..." if you don't say that but "I wanted you to pick me up."

Then it's not blaming him, •WHY DIDN'T YOU• kinda forces him to defend himself.

Change your way of talking to you taking responsibility. I would have asked my dh to help me. People can't read your mind.

If he refused, then it would become as different conversation.

I think you both need better communication skills. I don't see your attitude of "just getting on with it" as good. Be independent but also say, "i did X. It was difficult. I hated it."

He was a jerk. But you have some responsibility in telling him what you want.

Both of you could use some help learning how to talk to one another. If he IS a selfish person, you'll find out soon enough. If you suggest you need communication skills help and he mumbles and curses.

My dh may or may not have offered. Sometimes he's in a fog after work and isn't thinking straight. If I had told him, he would have helped.

Bin him OP.

Think you said upthread that you might not be able to do that straight away but definitely start making plans to move on.

He's not a keeper.

instead of 'why didn't you..." if you don't say that but "I wanted you to pick me up."

That leaves it open for him to say "you should have asked".

Which is true but not the point.

I feel like what OP wanted was for him to want to pick her up - thus demonstrating he cared for her safety and wellbeing.