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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being precious?

360 replies

FloatingObject · 21/10/2019 08:53

I've been away and this evening I arrive back. I need to get to my village which is just outside the city. My train arrives to the city at 8.30pm. I didnt realise they have cut the 9.30pm service so now my only option is to wait for the 10 30pm train to the village.

I'm really not a princess type but I'm kind of hurt that DP didbt suggest picking me up (it's a 30 min drive). He gets off work at 4pm. I feel like sometimes not being the princess type works to your disadvantage because like my DP just expects me to get on with things which I do, but I'll have been travelling all day and now I'll have to kill 2 hours in a pub near the station and I dunno. If it was reversed I think I would have just offered to pick him up?

Before anyone asks, no, I never ask him for lifts.

Would you be a bit hurt/annoyed by this or no?

OP posts:
SorrowfulMystery · 22/10/2019 09:41

Sorry, that was an essay. It just sounds to me, OP and I'm not actually criticising, because I understand the whole 'not wanting to be a bother' thing as if this whole journey was for you a 'test' to see whether he loves you, whether or not you were entirely conscious of that. That's why you were so anxious and resentful and weepy about the whole thing, and why you refused to ask him to collect you. Because you wanted him to pass the test without you having to bend the rules you'd set up.

HoppingPavlova · 22/10/2019 09:42

I think it's about wanting to be in the type of relationship where somebody would be thoughtful enough to ask and would put your comfort/safety above their own comfort without even thinking twice, I guess because that's what I'd naturally do.

Then I expect you need to find someone else who aligns with this. In all honesty if I had of received the messages you sent from my DH I would have assumed he was sorting himself out as he hadn’t asked me. I’d probably put my feet up with a wine (thus being unable to pick him up anywayGrin). It’s got nothing to do with putting his comfort/safety above mine. Just an assumption that if he needed me to do something he would state it. As I said above, he thinks the same way. I would never take that as him not putting my comfort or safety above hisConfused.

Original poster
FloatingObject · 22/10/2019 09:43

@SorrowfulMystery Thank you for your reply. No I'm not anxious at all about travelling or being in the city or whatever, I can handle myself well, none of that is a problem. To be honest I think I just went on some fucked up psychological spiral. I wasnt wandering around crying because of being at the station or in the city at all. I mean the reality of the situation wasnt what upset me. I was just disappointed and I guess I was tired and fed up too.

OP posts:
Original poster
FloatingObject · 22/10/2019 09:44

@SorrowfulMystery Just saw your second message. I think you're totally right. And it was triggered by getting the text from my dad I reckon. Thank you for your insight and taking the time x

OP posts:
Quitedrab · 22/10/2019 09:48

OP, please don't internalize this. Of course he should have offered. And you probably felt uncomfortable asking because he doesn't make you feel comfortable. Trust your own judgment!

Original poster
FloatingObject · 22/10/2019 09:48

@Zaphodsotherhead That's a really interesting analysis of situations like this. You could be onto something there. Maybe past experiences have taught us about that stab of humiliation and pain that comes with having somebody who should be looking out for you telling you "no". And so to be forced to ask for help like you say subconsciously makes us feel as if we're leaving ourselves bare open to that feeling again. Also, over time I think you gradually soak up this idea that you should be able to "pull yourself together" and "get on with it", and so asking for help not only exposes you, it also makes you feel like you have failed somehow, or are a disappointment or an unnecessary inconvenience. I'll try and work on this because as a PP mentioned, we do have to somehow shrug off what we have learnt in the past

OP posts:
BobAHair · 22/10/2019 10:13

@FloatingObject - hugs go out to you.

Your last post describes what could be termed as toxic feminism/masculinity - where we now expect to either grow some balls and deal with it, or put in the big girl pants.

Unfortunately, when it comes to empathy, there are two types of people - those with their heads down and only being aware of their own needs, and those with their heads up and are aware of the needs of others. You sound like you have your head up, whereas your partner is head down. That does not make them selfish, it merely means that they need to be asked to help and it is a sign of a strong individual to know when to ask, and a strong relationship for two people to be comfortable asking each other.

The heads down people, by the way, can rarely be taught to empathise for others in the same way that a heads up person naturally does, but never assume that their inability to empathise and offer to help equates to their love for their partner.

But, by God, I still have to agree that it’s annoying as hell when people are aware that you’re struggling and they don’t offer to help until you ask...

FizzyGreenWater · 22/10/2019 10:33

It doesn't help that I dont generally feel all that valued in my relationship either. Not that my partner is a dick or anything

Yes, that's exactly how I felt with my 'naturally fairly selfish' ex.

I think it's about wanting to be in the type of relationship where somebody would be thoughtful enough to ask and would put your comfort/safety above their own comfort without even thinking twice, I guess because that's what I'd naturally do.

Same here, so I dumped him (well to be fair by that point we were naturally growing apart because when you know someone doesn't actually show they care that much, you naturally withdraw and become a bit more brittle about things yourself - that's exactly what's happening to you) and now I'm with someone who is naturally caring and kind and I am much happier.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/10/2019 10:38

Maybe past experiences have taught us about that stab of humiliation and pain that comes with having somebody who should be looking out for you telling you "no". And so to be forced to ask for help like you say subconsciously makes us feel as if we're leaving ourselves bare open to that feeling again

Yes this is interesting and I'd agree, but I'd also suggest that simply being in that kind of relationship where the person never offers sets the tone - I mean look at those text replies, not an ounce of concern or even a sense that they are IN a relationship - aw bad luck, mate! - for fucks sake -! - it really does establish certain barriers where you quickly grow to not want to be the person asking for what is made to seem like a hand-hold, rather than simple everyday care.

Pretty much anyone in a loving relationship would have texted (or even called!) to ask are you ok? can you get a hotel safely? straight away.

Original poster
FloatingObject · 22/10/2019 10:52

@FizzyGreenWater I agree with you Fizz, and I'm really glad to hear you're with someone who makes you so much happier. I don't know if you experienced this with your ex but what I've also noticed is that that dynamic has led me to also pull back from what I'd want to be giving naturally too. So one example would be when he put his back out a few months ago. The old me would have been straight on it giving him back rubs and stuff, and I was like that for the first two years. But when simple attentions arent given, you end up having to close that part off too, because to keep giving without receiving actually stirs the same feeling of humiliation in some way, like you're being taken for a fool. It's weird, because it progressively turns the relationship into something much harder than you personally would want and set out to have.

I do know that this probably isnt the relationship for me. Theres stuff to do with Brexit that means I need to sit tight for another 6 months I'd say before I can go on to what I'm aiming to do in life, and I think that'll lead to us naturally breaking things off.

It's been a real eye opener tbh. This is my first "real" live in relationship and its taught me loads about what I expect and want and where I've sometimes gone wrong.

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 22/10/2019 11:06

You have to remember, men are simple creatures, and his comment about not being a mind reader is spot on. They think very differently to women you have to communicate to them. Just say please come and get me.

Teachermaths · 22/10/2019 11:10

You have to remember, men are simple creatures

And the award for sexist bullshit of the year goes to....

Hadalifeonce · 22/10/2019 11:18

That is not sexist men and women do think differently, there are differences in our brains.

ThreeLittleDots · 22/10/2019 11:19

there are differences in our brains

HAhahahahahahahah, that's the best one I've read all year!

Lizzie0869 · 22/10/2019 11:23

I agree with the suggestion that he had very likely been drinking and didn't want to admit that that was the reason why he couldn't pick you up. If that was the case, he should have owned up and been apologetic about it.

I suspect you're probably more hurt by your dad's response than your DP's thoughtlessness?

As far your DP, I'm sorry to say that he's probably not going to suddenly change and develop the gift of empathy. It sounds like he isn't the man for you, though you clearly already know this.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/10/2019 11:23

giving without receiving actually stirs the same feeling of humiliation in some way, like you're being taken for a fool. It's weird, because it progressively turns the relationship into something much harder than you personally would want and set out to have.

Oh yes. This with bells on. After a year, I was much 'harder' too. I'm too proud to show someone my inside when you get the feeling you aren't going to get that back. And little things like compliments - never got that from him so why should I? Etc. It's no way to live.

I don't know if he even noticed, well slightly, but like all selfish people he could be given to self-pity now and again. But he was a generally nice guy! That's the thing you can't get caught up in.

Definitely sounds as if you should move on, I think you already have mentally xx

MrsBobDylan · 22/10/2019 11:37

Glad to hear you are thinking of moving on op. I mustered up the courage to leave a relationship which was always hard work and not quite right and went on the meet and marry my lovely dh. Who, despite not being a mind reader, would offer me a lift without needing to be asked..

MissBax · 22/10/2019 11:44

That is not sexist men and women do think differently, there are differences in our brains.

Hahaha proper lolfest!!

KatyCarrCan · 22/10/2019 11:50

@MemorialBeach I realised I had misread it. I said so in my post last night.Where I also pointed out that no train journey should cause 12 hours of angst about whether you're going to get a lift from a partner or not.

SorrowfulMystery · 22/10/2019 11:56

That is not sexist men and women do think differently, there are differences in our brains.

Read Cordelia Fine's Delusions of Gender and its follow-up. I assure you that she has looked into it more than you have.

@FloatingObject, it's good that you realise this is probably not the relationship for you. In fact, it doesn't matter why you need certain kinds of behaviour from a partner -- as long as they aren't unreasonable, you get to want what you want. But before moving forward into a new relationship, you might want to work on being able to express those needs directly. Good luck.

MemorialBeach · 22/10/2019 12:08

Many apologies @KatyCarrCan, I somehow managed to not see your post from late last night when I looked at this thread this morning. I have now seen it, and agree that 12 hours of angst over a train journey is excessive in normal circumstances. Later posts from the OP show that there does seem to be more to it, and reasons why the OP got so anxious and stressed.

fotheringhay · 22/10/2019 12:14

This thread is fascinating and so important for those of us who weren't given any support as children. How do you find the balance between a healthy dependency on a dp vs being 'selfish', weak or vulnerable?

I'm single at the mo and really want to get this right next time. Xh just took and took from me without giving, and I didn't even see it till the marriage was over.

Good luck in future OP. Maybe there's a self-help book on this sort of thing Grin

Tistheseason17 · 22/10/2019 17:58

I appreciate this is your first real relationship but YOU need to communicate better. Most men are not mind readers and expecting a future relationship to be better when you behave the same is the definition of madness.

dottiedodah · 22/10/2019 18:14

I think sometimes if you dont ask you dont get! Many partners expect their wives to ask ,and if you dont then he probably thinks you can manage ! just say to him "Oh John ,are you OK to give me a lift tonight they have cancelled the 9.30 and I will be stuck in London for 2 hours!

Original poster
FloatingObject · 22/10/2019 18:16

I have to say sorry but I think it's crazy the amount of people who have said "men arent mind readers".

This wasnt some kind of insane, obscure, really tenuous link I was expecting him to make. Just basic consideration really.

He had already left by the time I got in this morning. He sent me a text asking if I'd got in alright at lunchtime to which I replied "yeah" and then he got in two hours ago and I'm blinking him which I know is really shit of me. I just dont know what to say. But I guess I need to go and break the ice now somehow.

OP posts:
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