To be upset at my parents

[ClownsandCowboys]

IABU, I know I am. But I'm also upset. They live 150 miles away, but have been talking for a few years now about moving closer to us. There isn't anything tying them to where they live now, in terms of family, friends etc. They've talked about it with the dc (age 10 and 7) who constantly ask when they will move closer.

The issue is they don't really seem too committed and my ddad particularly seems keen not to move "too close". At the moment they are considering somewhere just over an hour away.

And I know, it's their life, they've raised they dc etc. They are early/mid 60s. But, dd (7) is autistic, and our life is very stressful, trying to manage her and her needs, ds, work etc. I'm currently signed off work because of the stress of everything (I also have a mh issue). One of the main points is dd really isn't coping with childcare, I changed hours so I could do drop offs, but she is still struggling. I'm trying to get work to agree to some flexible working, which is proving challenging. DH work have agreed and he already does what he can.

We just really need their help. Not everyday, not necessarily for all the after school childcare. But for help, support, respite.

I know I'm being unreasonable. I'm upset that my dad is so adverse to living closer, because I really need them. I wish I didn't.

Hi op. You’ve said a few times you know YABU, so I won’t add to the chorus of others telling you YABU. I just wanted to say I get it. I have one with SEND, no family support. I understand the feeling of drowning and despair. I wish I could say there was light at the end of the tunnel.

OP

Yes- I was replying to another poster. As I said previously, you are in a very difficult situation and I can see why you are desperate for help. But I can also see a few reasons why your parents don’t want to move closer- such as feeling unable to care for your DD due to her additional needs (but perhaps not wanting to admit that) or worried that they will end up feeling obligated to do more childcare than they are willing or able to do (not necessarily because you demand or ask, but because they might feel they have to offer if you are struggling). By keeping a reasonable distance, they can use that as a “get out clause”. Which isn’t helping you, I recognise.

As I said, it was unfair of them to dangle the prospect of moving closer if they had no intention of doing so- but maybe they did at one point. In any case, perhaps ask them to tell your DD so you don’t have to keep making excuses as to why their grandparents haven’t moved?

Please do go back to the doctor for your own mental health. A couple of your posts are really worrying and I feel sad that so many people have been piling on to tell you how unreasonable you are without paying attention to your obvious tone of frantic desperation. It sounds as if your parents have disappointed you enormously when you’re at a terribly tough point. Of course you wish you had the sort of parents who wanted to help as much as they could. But if you’re able to get more support for your own mental well-being and some respite from the relentlessness of your situation, perhaps you’ll find you have more strength to keep fighting for the help your DD needs. It sounds like you need to keep banging on every door until you find some childcare that works and better help for her sleep and education, but you’ll only be able to do that if you stay well. It’s such an exhausting fight. Good luck OP - you’re obviously devoted to getting things right for your daughter but make sure you look after yourself too.

councilfordisabledchildren.org.uk/resources-and-help/im-social-worker

www.gov.uk/help-for-disabled-child

I don’t think you are unreasonable. I think you are tired, scared, worried and totally at the end of your tether.

Please, as difficult as it may be, try to prioritise your MH. You would not be better off dead. Can you call the Samaritans? Just to talk things through.

In terms of your DD, go on a form filling blitz. You have nothing to lose.

And ignore the spiteful posters on here. They should be ashamed for kicking someone who is very obviously, down.

Good luck sweetheart.

OP i really feel for you. You clearly need support in this tough situation.

Have you made it very clear to your parents how much you are struggling and how they could help you? Definitely do this if you are currently assuming it is blindingly obvious and they don't need to be told.

If you have already been very clear and honest with them then have they also been clear and honest with you as to why they are unable or unwilling to help you?

YANBU to feel let down by and disappointed in your parents. My PIL were like this but fortunately my parents were much more helpful.

I really hope you can find the support that you need as a a family from somewhere else

"Have you made it very clear to your parents how much you are struggling and how they could help you?"
In situations as difficult and challenging as this appears, having elderly grandparents plugging the gap in adult social care is not a feasible option. As I've said in a previous post, my parents fully recognised how wearing and relentless it was to look after my daughter. If they could have, they would have. But they simply couldn't. It was too much for me at half their age. It isn't that grandparents can't be bothered to help. It's sometimes (and in my dd's case) simply beyond their capabilities. I survived on 4 hours sleep a day for 35 years looking after her. 25 of them after both my parents were deceased. I would not have wanted their final years spent struggling to support the impossible daily challenge of managing my daughter. It's really crappy luck. But it's mine to deal with. My parents could not even begin to cope with my dd. I understood that because neither could I

You are too needy, I would not want to take on the childcare, I am retired and don’t need the hassle.

Hi again, OP, if your mum read this thread I'm sure she would find some way to help, I couldn't bear it if my adult child felt the way you do and I didn't step up. If they realised how desperate you are then you might be surprised about what they might be prepared to do.

They're your parents and they love you and your dc. Could you -

• talk to your mum about what you've said in this thread
• write them a letter
• send them this thread
• ask a another family member to talk to them on your behalf

?

To all the dozens of people who have basically said 'well it's not their responsibility to step in / it's not their problem to solve' - yes that is true. But at the end of the day they are family, and if any of you had an adult child in the future who felt like the OP did, would you not want to do what you can to help?

Personally, I couldn't just happily enjoy my retirement knowing that I had a child who feels as worn down as the OP without trying to help.

On a wider point, I am (as ever) gobsmacked by the number of people who have a very transactional view on this whole matter though. If your parents do not drop everything in order to provide whatever level of childcare you want/decide you need then they can expect no, or very little, help in their old age?

Totally agree @jacks11 - the coldness of some posters on this thread (not the OP) is downright chilling!

Sorry for what you’re going through OP - I really hope things get better for you

You are too needy, I would not want to take on the childcare, I am retired and don’t need the hassle.

So harsh!

A grandchild that has AD is not hassle.

Have you talked to your senco about her behaviour at home? Could they put some small reasonable adjustments in place? If they can shrink the stress at school you might find she’s a bit more chilled afterwards. I so feel for you. Raising children with asd can be very very hard. I’m dreading the six week holiday as my 6 year old is very very tricky and can’t focus on anything so I’ll spend the time sat in the kitchen watching that nothing gets trashed.

Doing some shopping and popping in on elderly parents isn't being their carer. That's spending many hours every single day directly looking after their emotional and physical needs. I did that for my Dad and it was an honour not a transaction. My parents helped a lot with childcare from love not to bank elder care.

The care i provided was a natural result of us being close. Mum and Dad could no more have watched me struggle than i could let them struggle.

OP, I think you need help for yourself first before you can change anything else. Please go back to the GP. Could you take a friend with you - your DSis maybe? Your DD won't necessarily be harder and harder to deal with as she gets older. That could be the depression talking. She sounds highly intelligent. I have noticed my (probably) ASD niece figure more and more things out as she has got into her teens.

I am wondering if long term you and your DSis can join forces. Does she live nearby? Do your DHs get on? Do the DC? I am wondering if together you would have more of an attractive number of hours to offer someone. It sounds like you have capacities she doesn't (I presume she can't drive?) and vice versa. If you need cleaning and childcare maybe you could offer a decent wage for someone to do both. I am wondering if your DPs realised they might end up supporting you and DSis if they were nearer.

I think you are right to try to hang onto your jobs for the moment.

Have you tried www.sitters.com? We've only used them for babysitting but they seem to have a lot of people on their books. You only need that one person DD clicks with.

We have had success with using the young adult son of a friend as a babysitter. Does your DD need a lot of physical exercise? DD's behaviour becomes truly dreadful if she doesn't get it. Time outdoors helps with the melatonin.

It sounds very difficult and clearly the lack of childcare choices in your area is affecting that. Our DD has milder versions of your DDd's behaviour but we have a lot more choice of care locally. Basically she can 'pass'.

It must be beyond frustrating not to be able to get more help from your DM when she has a professional background in SEN, but unfortunately perhaps that's made her realistic. She should at least be able to help you think of ways to find someone appropriate for the childcare.

Sorry about all the ramble but I hope some of it is useful.

YANBU, but unfortunately that doesn't change anything. You still have this stuck situation to manage.

You are doing all the right things- just hang in there, things may well change. I've had some tough times with my children, and made some tough choices. A lot of it is just hanging in there by the skin of your teeth until something shifts.

Tap into everything offered- even if it doesn't seem any use, sometimes it leads to other things.

I agree with the PP, can you and your sister combine forces? Give each other a bit of a break?

My in laws moved into a bungalow in the same road as us 10 years ago from 150 miles away, sadly dad then died and we now help mum in law (aged 92) live independently, nothing major, but we are on hand if she needs anything. It’s very convenient for us and we were able to support her when dad was ill. We are in our early sixties and when mum is no longer with us we plan to move closer to my daughter to help her with the children and so we are near as we age (whilst not wanting to be a burden). It can work both ways, they would be there for you at this point in their lives and you could support them when they are older.

OP

no advice just you have my sympathies. it sounds really tough. I have 3 nt little dc and find life very overwhelming at times so I can only imagine how difficult it is dealing with sen.

actually i do have a suggestion re your work. if you haven't already done so; Contact ACAS for advice on flexible working requests. find out as much info as possible and put in a formal request in, in writing. if acas agree, explain your reasons including your mental health and that if not granted you may have to consider leaving as the current situation is not sustainable.

are there any small things you can do to help improve life and make things a little easier in other ways? cleaner? online shopping or those hello fresh type box things. little treats/nice rountine to look forward to. mid week and weekend.

My employer formally denied my flexible working today. Said they would consider 3 days, but that is a huge cut in money and doesn't necessarily help with all the issues.

I calculated our debt to income percentage as 32%, so we are still within what is considered manageable. 3 days means a £600 drop in salary. DH worried so much about money, all the time. He's not great with it and is constantly worried about it. We briefly discussed this evening and I can see him torn between wanting to do something that helps and being terrified of dropping our income. I've been part time before and it was so stressful, because he wasn't aware of it but he constantly talked about how much money we had, debt etc. It made me feel horribly guilty all the time.

I haven't read the whole thread.

You need a social worker, I would also recommend gingerbread.org and action for children.

1st stop is social services. They see parents like you all the time and should be able to give you some emotional support if nothing else. They may also be able to offer respite care.

I can see why you're stressed. You need to tackle your issues one at a time so for starters look on childcare.co.uk for a childminder/babysitter specialising in children with special needs so you can get a couple of hours respite once or twice a month to spend with your husband. I know you say your child doesn't like strangers but that can be worked around with interim short visits.

I know you say you can't afford childcare but you can if you work and even if you are just working to pay childcare it will get you out of the house and into adult company. You can maybe get the same person who babysits to childmind for you as your child will be familiar.

You need a plan because right now you're overwhelmed and your marriage is at risk: your DH needs to be your focus because if you think it's hard now, it will be worse on your own.

Your parents are not coming to save you, they've made that clear so you need to save yourself.

One step at a time. Best of luck. X

Thanks @yesteaandwineplease.

Actually my employer works closely with ACAS, I work for a trade union. They state they have good operational reasons for refusing. Because I want 0.8 over 5 days, they say they would be unable to recruit someone to cover when I'm absent- a few hours a day for 3 days. And the money required for training, induction etc would be prohibitive for 0.2.

Sorry... didn't see your recent post.

You say your DH isn't good with money... let you deal with it then. That will give you both the breathing space you need.

He earns it, you deal with the expenses. Either way, a compromise is needed here, he can't have everything his own way.

While I agree that you can't 'expect' help from your parents, I think it's very sad they're in a position to give it and won't. I know my mum would be there in a jiffy if I was having such a tough time, and I'd like to think I would help my daughter too. You don't stop being a parent when your children leave home, surely? So I'm sorry you have parents who aren't willing to help and while they're entitled to do so, I do think it's not very supportive. Even if they didn't want to move entirely, I'm sure there are ways for them to offer help in other ways. My mum lives 150 miles away and visits us at least twice a month so she can see DD.

My family lived hundreds of miles away when children young. Not only that but they were in their 70s so no way would they consider moving nor undertake child care. You have a child with special need, you need help. Ask SSs to reassess if they have been involved. If not consider getting them invokved. Your health will deteriorate further if you are left to try and cope. Do hope you find some sort of respite to your situation. Often wonder with people having children in late 30s and say GPs were in the same age bracket most GPs will be too old to help out.

I don't think younger people realise how very tiring life can be as you get older. I hope that doesn't sound patronising - but I remember having three young children and feeling resentful that my parents didn't help out much.

Now I am in my 50s (and still working full time) I couldn't explain to anyone in their 30s how utterly exhausted I am so much of the time. The idea of any kind of child care - even for a GC - makes me shudder with horror. I don't have GC yet, but the idea of looking after a primary aged child for 2 hours on a regular weekly basis makes me realise I couldn't bear to commit myself to that.

I realise everyone's different, and that lots of older people have lots of energy/love having the GC etc - but perhaps your parents fall into the category of those who don't.