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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at my parents

250 replies

ClownsandCowboys · 20/10/2019 20:41

IABU, I know I am. But I'm also upset. They live 150 miles away, but have been talking for a few years now about moving closer to us. There isn't anything tying them to where they live now, in terms of family, friends etc. They've talked about it with the dc (age 10 and 7) who constantly ask when they will move closer.

The issue is they don't really seem too committed and my ddad particularly seems keen not to move "too close". At the moment they are considering somewhere just over an hour away.

And I know, it's their life, they've raised they dc etc. They are early/mid 60s. But, dd (7) is autistic, and our life is very stressful, trying to manage her and her needs, ds, work etc. I'm currently signed off work because of the stress of everything (I also have a mh issue). One of the main points is dd really isn't coping with childcare, I changed hours so I could do drop offs, but she is still struggling. I'm trying to get work to agree to some flexible working, which is proving challenging. DH work have agreed and he already does what he can.

We just really need their help. Not everyday, not necessarily for all the after school childcare. But for help, support, respite.

I know I'm being unreasonable. I'm upset that my dad is so adverse to living closer, because I really need them. I wish I didn't.

OP posts:
Lowlandlucky · 21/10/2019 18:14

OP, you say you hate being at home with your DD all day but you expect your eldely parents to do what you hate doing ? Dont you think you are being bloody selfish ?

tadjennyp · 21/10/2019 18:17

Could people stop kicking the OP when she is so down? Particularly if you do not have children with SEN. She has already said she is being unreasonable and needs help and advice on how to deal with her horrible situation. Some of you could do with lessons in kindness.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 21/10/2019 18:18

I don’t get the impression the OP expects her parents to regularly spend lots of time with her DD, more to be around for the occasional bit of respite.
I can only speak for myself here, but sometimes just knowing that someone else is theoretically available to take over for a bit helps.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 21/10/2019 18:19

Some of you could do with lessons in kindness.

This. Exactly.

MitziK · 21/10/2019 18:19

Have you been assessed by your Psych recently for a possible relapse of the depression part of your bipolar?

Josieannathe2nd · 21/10/2019 18:23

This sounds so hard. I would find it difficult to bother to stay in contact with my parents if they didn’t help if I was struggling so much. Even if they did one pick up a week I imagine it would make a big difference.

Just about the childcare- have you thought about asking a TA as your child’s school? Then they don’t need to build a new relationship they can bring her home and they get some extra pay. Or a dinner lady who your child likes.

lanbro · 21/10/2019 18:28

I think it's so sad when gps aren't close or interested in helping. I'm fortunate in that my parents are nearby and would go to the ends of the earth for me and my dc. And I'll do the same for my girls. My auntie on the other hand rarely helps my cousins, or even sees her gc despite living round the corner and despite my grandmother doing loads for her when her dc were young...so sad and so strange.

Original poster
ClownsandCowboys · 21/10/2019 18:35

@MitziK I was discharged from CMHT and psych about 18 months or 2 years ago, it might be longer, because I was so well (to save them money). GP is managing at the moment. I would have to be at risk of hurting myself in order to be referred again. Bloody cuts.

I'm not asking them to spend all day, because she's at school. I don't know what I would want/need. What I do know is that if my employer refuses to budge I will have to quit or drop down to very part time (if they'll even allow that). And I'm so anxious about that and how to help dd best. It's not good for her mh to keep on like this. If we could afford it I'd quit my job to help her. Even though I'd hate it.

OP posts:
MitziK · 21/10/2019 18:40

I think that talking about wishing for death fulfils the criteria for rereferral, @clownsandcowboys. It might help you access some other help/support as well, such as respite care.

Beansandcoffee · 21/10/2019 18:48

Whilst people are saying that early 60s isn’t too old, in 10 years time they will be early 70s which can be a very different age health wise. I know people that have been fit and healthy in their 60s and then old age catches up. At the moment they might have plans to travel the world etc. Why would they want to commit to 2hrs every day? Means they are trapped too.

FluffyAlpaca19 · 21/10/2019 19:12

Do you claim DLA for your dd & carers allowance if you work under 16 hrs? If not, then please do so as you're entitled to it. You can then buy in respite care or a childminder. Get in contact with your local LA short breaks team, local Mencap branch and local parent carer forum to see what's available in your local area. The national autistic society may have a branch local to you. These specialist organisations will be of more use to you then your parents who aren't trained to deal with autism.

Also, remember that when the time comes for your parents to need more care you do not have the capacity to deal with that. It's natural and OK to feel disappointed but use that to put a plan in place for your dd. She is your primary focus now not your parents.

FluffyAlpaca19 · 21/10/2019 19:17

local parent carer forum

NAS

thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/

Original poster
ClownsandCowboys · 21/10/2019 19:24

We do claim DLA for her. We use it to pay for sensory items, an iPad and boardmaker which we use for her routines and social stories. And we are going to use it for a SALT as our NHS trust no longer provides it for children who are already diagnosed or verbal.

OP posts:
jacks11 · 21/10/2019 19:24

Ianbro

It is nice for grandparents to be involved. They don’t have to live close by for that (though I can see in OP’s situation that would help)- my maternL grandparents lived several hours drive but we would go and stay during holidays and they phoned etc. We saw then only 2 or 3 tines per year. But I know that I was absolutely loved by them and we were close. They didn’t have to uproot their lives to achieve that.

If my DC have children but then expected me to move to wherever they had set down roots I wouldn’t be impressed. They get to chose where they live, but I am settled here. I love my home, my friends and social network are all here (and do is work, if I’m still working when they have children- which may be the case). I love this area and would not want to move. I’d be happy to help out as able, but I don’t think you need to move to be interested and involved. And what if you have more than one DC who live in different areas? Then where do you live?

Original poster
ClownsandCowboys · 21/10/2019 19:27

jacks11 but that is completely irrelevant in my case. My parents Don't like where they live, they are definitely moving away from that area. And both their DC live in the same other area.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClownsandCowboys · 21/10/2019 19:30

There isn't an NAS group nearby I know. I'm part of parent support networks. They are great for many things. But all of them (mostly the mothers) either work very part time or have given up work completely. So there isn't much help/suggestion on what we can do.

I can't claim carer's allowance as I work full time.

My mum works in SEND, and has done for at least 20 years.

OP posts:
user764329056 · 21/10/2019 19:36

I really feel for you OP, I won’t repeat what I’ve said up thread about how involved I am in my GCs’ lives, but you’re their daughter, you are struggling, I fail to understand how they don’t want to step in, it’s so sad

user764329056 · 21/10/2019 19:39

Bloody hell, there are some poisonous people on this thread, disgusting

Alwaysgrey · 21/10/2019 19:40

You have my sympathy OP. I have three kids and my 9 and 6 have asd and adhd. The 9 year old wouldn’t cope with after school care and my 6 year old has a lot of needs and mostly definitely wouldn’t. I had to give up work many years ago. We moved to live near my parents but they do little childcare as my mum moans about it despite saying they could help if we moved nearer (they’re relatively healthy and don’t have tons of hobbies). I don’t ask my parents unless desperately as my mum moans a lot. There is very little care for kids with Sen. Holidays are very hard as it’s just me. I’m on my knees as it is as the 6 year old doesn’t sleep and is very hard work. We also went through a court case again our ex school for discrimination and my 6 year old endured a year of emotional abuse and isolation. Raising a child with Sen is very very hard.

SamhainQueen · 21/10/2019 19:40

You sound incredibly stressed but can't you see that your parents probably don't want to jump headfirst into that same stress at their age?

It is hard to hear but they probably just want to retire quietly in peace.

isadoradancing123 · 21/10/2019 20:04

Their main problem may well be that they dont know how to handle your dd, they may well percieve her as being naughty, dont really understand her condition and they will have no idea how to handle her and may feel awkward stating this to you

spanglydangly · 21/10/2019 20:09

@Alwaysgrey that also sounds tough ThanksThanks

Original poster
ClownsandCowboys · 21/10/2019 20:16

isadoradancing123 as I've said they are brilliant with her, my mum has spent the last 25 years working in SEND with young people with autism (and other SEN).

Even my less than tolerant dad gets her, and is patient and knows how to handle her.

But look, I know IABU. I'm just desperate.

OP posts:
spanglydangly · 21/10/2019 20:41

@ClownsandCowboys you clearly are desperate and I'm so sorry. Life can be shit sometimes.

TheSoapyFrog · 21/10/2019 20:59

Please consider contacting social services to get some help. You're not ungrateful and you're not a dick, you're a desperate, exhausted parent on the edge.
SS could open some doors for you - respite, direct payments etc...
As much as I understand not wanting to leave your job (or your husband leave his), please keep an open mind about it.
I had to give up my career of 11 years to care for my boy. I bitterly miss it, but in the end I was left with no option and his needs had to come before mine. I'm getting my head round it and am having to rethink my career path so that I can do something from home.

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