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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never want to share food with DH again?

282 replies

NewNameOnSunday · 20/10/2019 15:07

DH is always buying food for us to share (eg big packets of crisps, tubs of ice cream) but then has a go at me when I take my half saying that I have taken more than half.

Sometimes I weigh it out and he still asks "Are you sure that's only half?" repeatedly and incredulously.

He's just done it again today and I'm fucking sick to death of it. We only live 10 minutes from the shop so it's easy to buy more of anything he wants. He just is always acting like I'm a greedy bitch and it makes me feel upset and insecure.

OP posts:
HeyNotInMyName · 20/10/2019 18:27

He is controlling but it sounds like he is first and foremost controlling about himself and wants you to do the same so it looks ‘normal’ to do that.
So treats are only allowed at x time. No ice cream during the day etc... and they have to be shared exactly (because otherwise you are getting ‘too much’).
If he is not controlling in any other way, I would wonder if he doesn’t have some sort of eating disorder/anxiety issues.

Natsel84 · 20/10/2019 18:27

I know violence is never the answer but I would of punched him in the face by now. You must have the patients of a saint to put up with that all of the time .
Like a pp posternas saidnjust eat your half and if he moans about it then say well I wanted my half you have to have yours now wether you like it or not as that's what you do to me.
Goodluck op x

nottodaysatanlucifer · 20/10/2019 18:27

Really sounds like you're at breaking point. You're going to end up proper snapping soon.

For some reason this thread has been uncomfortable to read... it's a weird type of control and I actually want to hurt him 😂

HeyNotInMyName · 20/10/2019 18:28

Saying that, this would not explain his issue with you having more than half even though it is half...

Like he is worried someone is going to take away his treats.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 20/10/2019 18:33

Honestly I’m not sure why you are engaging in his weird behaviors. Just eat what you want and when you want. Buy your own snacks and just stop letting this get to you...if he gets his knickers in a bunch just laugh at his ridiculousness and tell him A. Your food choices are your and he gets no say in them. B. To grow the fuck up and stop being a jackass. Then enjoy your treats.

Kittenbittenmitten · 20/10/2019 18:33

Grin for real? Are you and your husband actually adolescents?

TheGoodEnoughWife · 20/10/2019 18:36

I can't believe you live like this!

Eat what you want. The more you give in to his behaviour the more 'normal' it can seem. It is not normal!

I agree with the above. Instead of getting sad you need to get angry. It is not his choice when or how much you eat.

When you say he 'doesn't like it when...' - that is tough. You don't like it when he controls your food intake so who should be displeased?
Stand up for you. Show him his controlling behaviour is not okay.

uptownabbey · 20/10/2019 18:39

Seems to me he's trying to break you down bit by bit with his controlling behaviour and he is playing mind games with you pretending he doesn't know what you mean about the food. For goodness sake take control NOW hopefully opinions on here will help you make a decision. Joint counselling may get to bottom of his weirdness. Good luck x

dimsum123 · 20/10/2019 18:42

Of all the threads I've read on MN this has got to be the absolute weirdest relationship issue ever.

I actually have no idea what to offer as a solution. The issue seems too trivial to split up over and yet you clearly can't and shouldn't have to live like this. It's mad.

Have you considered couples counseling? It's the only thing I can think of that might possibly help you both.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/10/2019 18:46

He kind of does. Last night was nearly 2 bottles of wine, several beers and he sometimes has a G&T too. He thinks it is fine though because he doesn't usually drink Mon-Thurs.

Actually - binge drinking like this is a big warning light for alcohol problems.

HisBetterHalf · 20/10/2019 18:47

Just buy your own and tell the greedy bastard to fuckoff

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/10/2019 18:49

He likes gingernuts, Garibaldi and cheese and onion crisps. I like shortbread, Brazil nuts and plain crisps

I like all of these.

CookPassBabtridge · 20/10/2019 18:50

I feel suffocated reading this. You don't have to live like this, just buy your own portion.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/10/2019 18:50

Couples counselling isn't advised when one party is being abused. If you read OP's updates, he also controls WHEN OP eats. She can only eat treats with him. She is supposed to ask permission to eat at other times.

Brefugee · 20/10/2019 18:52

you have to decide if this is how you want your life to be.
First thing i'd suggest is that you try to get him back to work. If he's worried about money say you think it's better if you don't share finances and he arranges his own. You can give him an allowance.

But I really think you need to think about a life without this control freak. It's not normal behaviour from him and you shouldn't be afraid to eat a few crisps.

Interestedwoman · 20/10/2019 18:53

YANBU. I wouldn't like someone accusing me of being greedy. If he doesn't really want to share, he shouldn't do it.

Stifledlife · 20/10/2019 18:54

Get your own "treat cupboard" and put what you like in it?

Was his mother one of those types who won't allow chocolate, crisps or any foods not wholesome or made from scratch?

Take a step back and see how ridiculous this is and don't let him impose it on you. Eat what you like when you like and when he gets cross at you, laugh at him. When something runs out, get more and tell him to grow up!

I really hope this isn't the thin end of the wedge and he has lots more exciting controlling behaviour waiting in the wings, ready to escalate.

Chloe8823 · 20/10/2019 18:55

He sounds very childish OP! Don't share again.

Interestedwoman · 20/10/2019 19:02

'He's got very set ideas about what's OK to eat when and I get that he does it to control what he eats mid-week, but it sure as hell doesn't seem healthy to me as his weekends are excessive and I never gave him permission to control my food intake.'

With how he restricts and then has a splurge, it definitely sounds like he has food issues of his own, or even eating disorder symptoms. Which isn't to excuse it and say you should just let it slide.

Buy your own stuff and just don't get involved with his. If he complains then explain why you're doing it, and carry on.

LittleNightmare · 20/10/2019 19:04

🌷I’m sure this must all be difficult to read 😢.

I’m not surprised he’s ‘lacking’ in the bedroom too.

I had intended to say this earlier too, but I forgot, so I’ll repost what a PP said

I'd be rethinking him being SAHD very very rapidly. Decide it's not working and for fuck's sake get him OUT of the role of primary carer - because right now, if you did decide to walk (and I think you should, asap) - as it stands, he'd keep your child

Get him out working too - so you’re not hammered for maintenance etc too

Your DC are better off in childcare than being looked after by him, irrespective of whether you plan to leave him or not.

Apart from how ducking annoying he is, I wouldn’t stay with him because you’ll become a shell of your former self and it’ll make the kids grow up equally ‘weird’ and anxious- you don’t want that!

I know it’s not easy to leave, and no one is all bad, but you can do it and you should 🌷

Tooner · 20/10/2019 19:11

I feel so sorry for you OP. Living with him must be very stressful and actually having to wonder if you're allowed to eat certain foods must really screw with your head. I think it is a control thing, maybe it is because you are the one bringing home the bacon and he feel emasculated so this is his way of feeling like a big man, controlling you with food and in the bedroom.

I would be having a serious think about whether I could live with this for the rest of my life and if I want my child/children being brought up in this unhealthy environment. It is not normal in the least.

Tooner · 20/10/2019 19:11

In the slightest not least

Bluetrews25 · 20/10/2019 19:13

OP this is so worrying.
What you eat, when you can eat, you need to ask for permission to eat, selfish in the bedroom, binge-drinking alcoholic, AND he doesn't work, you do it all.
He needs to get a job - for distraction from his controlling behaviours and also so that if when you decide enough is enough, he will not get the DCs the house, and expect you to continue to fund his boozing. Is he drinking at all when you are at work? (Not that he would tell you, obvs.)
OP, for you - Cake Chocolate Cake - and only you.

CheeryB · 20/10/2019 19:17

He said he doesn't understand why I don't ask him before I eat stuff
I hope you know that this is not normal and is entirely unacceptable behaviour from him. It's a million miles from normal. I'm actually quite shocked that you seem not to realise it.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 20/10/2019 19:19

I don’t even understand this. I do the shopping, I hide all my goodies in the garage cupboards or the chest freezer out there. I don’t share them.