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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never want to share food with DH again?

282 replies

NewNameOnSunday · 20/10/2019 15:07

DH is always buying food for us to share (eg big packets of crisps, tubs of ice cream) but then has a go at me when I take my half saying that I have taken more than half.

Sometimes I weigh it out and he still asks "Are you sure that's only half?" repeatedly and incredulously.

He's just done it again today and I'm fucking sick to death of it. We only live 10 minutes from the shop so it's easy to buy more of anything he wants. He just is always acting like I'm a greedy bitch and it makes me feel upset and insecure.

OP posts:
123rd · 20/10/2019 17:33

Mine does something similar.
If we go out to eat and order the same thing, he instinctively says' oh- yours is so much bigger than mine' I offer to swap (Hmmbut then he makes a big fuss about it.
When we pour wine he always raises an eye brow when he looks at my glass and says. 'Oh you've got the generous one '

FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2019 17:35

I have absolutely nothing to say except that I would be thinking very hard about whether you want a man this weird and controlling in your child's home as they grow. Whether you want them seeing this, and you being subject to this total nutjob and his rules.

And I'd be rethinking him being SAHD very very rapidly. Decide it's not working and for fuck's sake get him OUT of the role of primary carer - because right now, if you did decide to walk (and I think you should, asap) - as it stands, he'd keep your child.

CravingCheese · 20/10/2019 17:35

My first reponse was before reading more of your updates. I still feel that you're definitely not being unreasonable.

But he's expecting you to ask him when you eat? Expects you to only eat treats when he wants to you / to eat them when he wants you to? And the way he seems to treat you in general? This is not ok. Absolutely not.

He sounds controlling.

Lollypop701 · 20/10/2019 17:36

As I read.. I think your dh is an addict tbh... to food and alcohol. In his own head he’s not as he ‘only does it at weekends’. But he clearly resents you having any ‘treat’ that’s he’s not ‘ allowed’ as it’s not an ok time but can’t miss out so needs you to not act outside his box so he can stay in control

CravingCheese · 20/10/2019 17:36

And I'd be rethinking him being SAHD very very rapidly. Decide it's not working and for fuck's sake get him OUT of the role of primary carer - because right now, if you did decide to walk (and I think you should, asap) - as it stands, he'd keep your child.

Yes. I'm seconding this!

thisneverendingsummer · 20/10/2019 17:40

He sounds like a prize dick @NewNameOnSunday Horrible way to behave.

I actually share with DH about 60/40, as I feel he needs more as he's a man, and I am always watching my weight, but that's by the by.

Give him 80-90% from now on. See if he moans then!

Wonkybanana · 20/10/2019 17:42

OP this is way beyond a few crisps. It's in all areas of your life and it's coercive control, which is now a criminal offence. Does he also control when you can go out, who you can see and when?

PPs are saying leave him. You shouldn't be staying together with him, but you need to be careful. You are very vulnerable here. As you are the main earner and he's the SAHP, if you divorced him you could well find that he would get residence/custody, the right to stay in the home and maintenance. I'm sorry this isn't at all what you want to hear. But you need to prepare. If you decide you can't carry on like this, please contact Women's Aid before you do anything else to find out what you can do to protect yourself and your DC.

Oysterbabe · 20/10/2019 17:42

Christ I couldn't put up with this. If you're not going to leave him you need to call him out on it every single time. Better yet, just say no to sharing anything with him ever.
DH and I do the same as others here, just each take some until it's gone. In practice I get a lot less than him because he smashes down food like a labrador.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2019 17:43

Oh and this isn't about halving things or sharing issues. OP's later posts detail an extremely controlling man who has chosen food as his means of abuse and control of his partner. Simple as that.

He may be an abuser because he has a mental health issue, but fact remains OP is being controlled and is in a massively unhealthy relationship.

Wonkybanana · 20/10/2019 17:44

X post, I was typing as FizzyGreenWater posted. I agree ^^.

C8H10N4O2 · 20/10/2019 17:47

As I read.. I think your dh is an addict tbh... to food and alcohol

Possibly but he is also a nasty piece of work when you add up all the behaviours. The two things may be related but he is still an arse.

OP: was he better before he gave up work to be a SAHD? Would he be better going back to something part time or was he like this before you had DS? I agree with MrsTerrry - you need to do something before he starts subjecting DS to these behaviours and DS sees you putting up with it.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2019 17:51

Yes the SAHD has to stop, like yesterday.

I am really alarmed by that.

I would not want a person like this in charge of my child alone for significant periods.

unicorncupcake · 20/10/2019 17:54

It sounds awful OP. If we have treat food in the house like sharing bags of crisps or whatever, we just eat them when we feel like it, and just double check if the other person is in the house as to whether they would like any. If not, it’s fair game Grin if we get given chocolates as a present we eat them ourselves or share as we see fit, although we have very different tastes. I’m a teacher so get lots of sweets at Xmas, and I divide them into two piles, fair game can be eaten at anytime by anyone and my faves (usually after eights or bendicks) that I really really like and tend to come in smaller packets. DH and DCs then eat the general ones.

perroy · 20/10/2019 17:56

He needs to keep busy. This monitoring business is just odd. Who tells another person when to have treats.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/10/2019 17:56

He may be an abuser because he has a mental health issue, but fact remains OP is being controlled and is in a massively unhealthy relationship.

This is a very important point. We might want to know WHY someone is horrible. But regardless, it's THAT they're horrible that matters. The WHY is their responsibility to solve, not ours.

OP are there any things you take physical pleasure in that he doesn't control?

AcrossthePond55 · 20/10/2019 17:57

After reading your updates, OP, bin him. He's a controlling twat who is also emotionally abusing you. I've been where you are and I'd NEVER, EVER live that way again.

He won't change. You can either continue to live the way you are or you can get the hell out and live in peace. Your decision.

Lulualla · 20/10/2019 18:04

Can you imagine 50 more year a like this? Controlling behaviour always escalates. It will not get better and you have your entire life, and the childhoods of your children, to think about.

You get 1 life. That's it. Is this how you want yours?

Travis1 · 20/10/2019 18:06

Honestly get out now. This will not get better and he’ll just keep wearing you down

AloeVeraLynn · 20/10/2019 18:09

Is there anything not utterly repulsive about this man? I'm afraid I would be done. It sounds like hell.

Jux · 20/10/2019 18:15

Oh he's dreadful and he is SAHD, so this is what your son is/will be learning.

Have a short separation so you can get your head back into normal food (and probably a few other things') space, and take it from there.

Span1elsRock · 20/10/2019 18:17

He's controlling you OP. And you're letting him.

You need to say that from now on, you aren't engaging in his strange habits and will be eating and drinking what you like, when you like and there is no discussion about it.

And mean it.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 20/10/2019 18:19

Please get out of this relationship OP. Imagine him doing to your DC what he's doing to you.

blackcat86 · 20/10/2019 18:21

DH used to do this and I found a few things helped; I worked out where the obsessive commenting about food came from (MIL) and called it out everytime until DH started to see it as something rude, annoying and not normal. I also had a few incidents where I threw away a whole meal (plate included) because I was sick of commenting on what and how I was eating. I then refused to eat anything else. This reversed the dynamic which was helpful. I discussed the issues loudly particularly when pregnant, peer pressure is a wonderful tool for these ego fueled men so this could work well given that your bf still. It sounds awful to have had to do this but MIL literally comments on every fucking thing everyone eats and how they eat it so for him it was normal. Also as you're earning the money, like fuck would I then be asking permission to eat my own bloody food.

katseyes7 · 20/10/2019 18:22

Oh, are you married to my ex husband? The man who once made me count a bag of mini eggs into two bowls to make sure we both got the same? Also the same man who would eat 7 bags out of a multipack of 10 crisps while his tea was cooking (l was at work!).

DeRigueurMortis · 20/10/2019 18:27

It sounds to me like he's using you to control /reinforce his own behaviour.

It's deeply manipulative and unattractive behaviour.

You absolutely shouldn't have to eat to his timetable or the quantities he dictates.

It's far healthier to eat a small portion of ice cream on a Tuesday and Thursday after dinner than scoff half a tub on a Saturday just before bedtime.

Tbh I'm shocked at how many people advocate the cut/choose method. It's for kids. It's not a solution to an issue of an adult who sounds like he's trying to shame his partner into taking less.

I couldn't live like this - it would drive me mad.

He's an extremely selfish person - it seems he wasn't everything his own way (not just food).

I think you need to spell it out time OP that you're simply not going to live this way, nor allow your child to think this is normal.

In other words he can shape up or ship out.