To not want to pay this much towards sil bday?

[thatsmyumbrella]

It's SIL birthday start of dec her bf is organising a surprise birthday gathering and has decided to go to a bowling type place. He told us about it in advance before paying a deposit. He thought it would be a good activity because our two DCs could also be involved. Will only be in-laws my Dh our dcs and sil and bf. They live 5 hours away so we will be staying over in a hotel. He has messaged today asking for us to transfer money to pay for the activity asking for £30pp totalling £120 and has asked that we also chip in for sil. I have phoned him to say that I am happy to pay for me and dh but I didn't realise I would also have to pay this for the Dcs as they are 2 and 4 and won't be able to do much. He's now really annoyed and said he can't get the deposit back and we had know the cost pp prior to booking. I had checked the package and it specified for over 18s so had assumed that it was not the same price for the kids- would I be unreasonable to not pay this? Mil thinks I should just pay it

Why not say you've thought about it and it's not going to work for you, and given you're not going up for Christmas why doesn't he make his own plans for SIL that weekend - you'll come up on X weekend to do the whole 5 hour drive/hotel thing and go to Y place for a Christmas dinner (which is going to cost you the same as a slice of pizza in a bowling alley) with PIL and them. Or make it the same weekend and a joint celebration.

If I was the gf I'd be running for those hills. Asking you to contribute to her bowling is tight. He should be paying for her. Are you expected to buy a gift too?

There is no way in hell I'd be traveling 5 hours to go bowling for a siblings birthday, dragging 2 small kids along and being charged for the privilege of having to chase them round the bowling alley when they get bored. Why doesn't your Dh go if he wants to and you and kids stay home. It's too much to expect you all to have to fork out for a hotel. If your Dh goes couldn't he stay with his parents - on the couch if needs be? If your Dh doesn't want to go, and you've said you don't, then for gods sake just tell the CF you've changed your minds after giving it some thought as it's really not a suitable venue for small kids. Send sil a card and be done with it.

Can't you cry off and send her a massive present as an apology

Unless your dhs family are in the habit of buying expensive gifts for each other, don't do this. It will set an expectation and you'll be on here in another year after sil complains that you only sent a card when in 2019 you sent a massive present. And no need to apologise either. Her bf fucked up. You can point out that you checked the prices of the bowling alley yourselves and they did not match what he was trying to charge you.

Can't you cry off and send her a massive present as an apology

I agree!

@Drum2018 after I wrote this I thought what if it sets a precedent..? But didn't add to it.

OP would have to clarify with a large, apologetic present......."because we couldn't come today etc etc

Just cancel. I hope sil isnt party to his cf'ery.

I've been bowling with four adults and three kids, two games each, snacks and drinks, less than £75 for all of us!

Dear me.

Make an excuse and don't go... this sounds like a total nightmare BUT definitely clarify you won't be hosting Christmas this year because that will be the next issue.

I'm sorry but the SIL/PIL sounds just as bad as him. Just sack them all off and send her a nice card with a gift voucher for bowling as they like it so much.

Pretend one of the kids are unwell.

It sounds an expensive and very long journey with two young kids, just for bowling?! If you aren't keen then tell him now, so that you dont cost him anything. Personally I wouldnt go. Just plead poverty so close to xmas. Dont feel bad for having a quiet Christmas, you do what's best for you and your family.

Do you really need to come on here and ask advice for this? Just tell him no...simple.

Seems a bit dodgy too me, we paid £90 about a week ago for 6 adults and 1 junior ( under 15’s) and that was for TWO games. Is ring up and check with a member of staff to see the actual cost and make sure you check with your brother what is included like food drink ect as I do know you can add this on I don’t see it being £120 just for you 4 though

I have a 2 and 4 year old.

5 hour drive, hotel stay and bowling literally sounds like hell. And then paying several hundred quid in total for the privilege? No thanks

Just say it’s a nice idea but it’s not going to work with the kids. Maybe SIL can have a bowling party with her friends if she actually likes bowling!

They need to go find two more adults to go not expect you to pay the extra. And the hotel etc. I wouldn't be going but I think birthdays are over rated.

Well, OP.... it’s s big, fat nope from me. Absolutely not. It sounds hell on Earth.

Best present you could give your SIL is a heads up on what a tightwad her bf is!

£30 pp seems a bit rich but if your happy to pay if then great, I wouldn't be paying for my little ones as if they can't do much £30 is expensive.

If it’s a Bloomsbury bowling type place - must be, at those prices. Then it’ll be full of hen dos. I wouldn’t be going near it with kids tbh

No way for two children so young. Call him out check with the venue and then inform him of outcome - probably no charge.

@thatsmyumbrella - so what are you going to do?

Dh is going along. Long story short phoned the bf to suggest that me and dcs would come along but pay as you go bowl because I wasn't sure how much they would take part and I would probably end up running about after them. It was a bit of a tense discussion he said that they were only going bowling to accommodate me and the kids I suggested I didn't mind not coming and he could arrange something for the adults but appreciated that he was trying to include the kids. Still waiting on the bill for the £10 deposit.
Thanks for all the advice!

*alone not along

Has he ever met any small children before??

Besides him expecting you to pay £60 for 2 kids, he wants you all to pay for his g/f too? So he just pays for himself eventhough he's organising it for his g/f? Cheap skate

Wow!
You are responding well, OP!

I think you are being a little unreasonable. Both of your children can bowl and will have fun doing it. If you haven't taken them bowling before you might not know they have these little ramps the child can roll the ball down into the pins. They can help aim the ramp and (with assistance, obviously) put the ball on it and push it down the ramp. In my experience kids enjoy the satisfaction of knocking pins down enormously.

It seems to me that your SIL's (presumably childless) bf has bent over backwards to find a party format that will be fun for all ages, including your children, and the correct response here is "thank you so much, that sounds delightful!"

I think you could reasonably ask him to check with the bowling alley that they are charging the children's menu price for any food they are providing for your DC. But the lane cost is probably the same for adults and children and I can't imagine you want your kids to sit there and watch the grownups bowl.

£30 per person does seem like an awful lot for bowling and burgers, but maybe it's an upmarket bowling alley? Or maybe the food is in a separate restaurant and that's where the money is going? In which case you can definitely ask him to work out the kids' meal costs pro rata.