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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why people get annoyed at no children wedding a

229 replies

Irishmumtogirls · 19/10/2019 13:40

I'm a bit miffed at why so many threads are about no kids at weddings. Mabey it's an Irish thing but Aby wedding invite I've had never mentioned kids and I wudnt expect it.
I was married last year onky children invited were me and dh neices and nephews and r own daughter. Al kids were sent home after the dinner to their other grand parenmnts for the night. My daughter was minded in hotel room by wokrer from her creche. We al had a fab night with no worry.
Never once wud any of my friends expect their kids to be invited to a wedding and personally wud Prib be horrified at the thought of it. Why not enjoy a night off.
I get ebf but come on there is ways around this.
Ready to be roasted lol

OP posts:
OkayGo · 19/10/2019 17:50

We're long past the time where you had a limited amount of characters.

Zeldetta · 19/10/2019 17:54

I personally love kids at weddings so long as they are made properly welcome and not just expected to sit quietly all day

Well exactly. I don’t love kids at weddings, but I agree with your point about being expected to sit quietly. An adult focussed wedding with a fancy venue and a 3 hour wedding breakfast does not mix well with toddlers but less formal weddings can work well.

CountFosco · 19/10/2019 18:05

I’m not doubting the difficulty of getting childcare, but it would have to be someone very special to me getting married before I’d undergo a 300 mile journey with my toddler and try and get them to sleep in an unfamiliar hotel.

Well, not all children are toddlers and there are regularly posts on here about children not being invited to e.g. the wedding of the DBro or DSis of the OP.

m0therofdragons · 19/10/2019 18:14

Mostly it's fine but we had one where no kids were allowed and all family who we'd usually leave dc with were attending the wedding so we were unable to go as I didn't have anyone to leave 4yo dd and 6mo twins with. Groom was annoyed we didn't attend. That annoyed me but generally I wouldn't expect to take dc to a friend's wedding although we had dc at ours as I saw the dc as part of the family and it was a family occasion. Friends didn't have dc as I was first to marry.

Zeldetta · 19/10/2019 18:16

I know not all children are toddlers. I wouldn’t much fancy a 5 hour car journey with 5 and 8 year old nephews either with near constant “are we there yet”, arguing, being sick In the back. For a lot of people, travelling with children isn’t fun and that isn’t limited to toddlers. I’m pleased if your children travel well but not all do.

My point, if it wasn’t clear, is that some of the examples people were coming up with of it being difficult to get childcare for would be difficult to take children to.

For my part I cannot imagine having got married without my nephews so I agree it’s odd when they aren’t invited but this thread isn’t just about the bride and groom’s family children. Also some people are closer to their family than others. I try not to judge.

milveycrohn · 19/10/2019 18:16

Dear OP, your post is confusing. You say 'why would children be invited'. Then say your neices and nephews were there. So were they invited or not?
If nieces and nephews are not invited, and siblings are, then they have to find someone to look after the children.
The problem is considerably more, if the wedding is some distance requiring an overnight stay, or a destination wedding, where guests are expected to pay for flights, and several days, and pay someone to look after their children at home.

RONNIETRIX · 19/10/2019 18:39

They won't be coming to my wedding cos I want the adults to enjoy themselves x

WildfirePonie · 19/10/2019 18:45

This reply has been deleted

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ExcitedForFuture · 19/10/2019 19:18

YABU.

I am oh so fortunate to be allowed a space at my siblings wedding next year. My DCs are not invited (yes, niece and nephew of wedding party), when I pointed out my only childcare would be at the wedding I was informed that I have 2 years to sort it out.

I've now split from their dad since then. But wedding is on my weekend with my DCs and it's on a BH so ex may have his own plans. I've also been told DP isn't invited. So I get to sit on my own like a lemon all day. They all like a drink but I'll need to drive as it's too far for a taxi and I refuse to pay to stay on my own.

If the engagement party was anything to go by, I can look forward to being largely ignored whilst everyone gets drunk and it's mainly all their friends so very few people I'll even know.

Still, other sibling was told to get in laws to travel 800 miles to babysit. More fool them for actually arranging to do it! I'd have refused and haven't decided whether to bother or not yet.

Weddings should be a family occasion and my eldest is not impressed at not being invited and youngest was quite sad about it. They both thought they would be and I had to inform them that they weren't. This is why a blanket ban on children at weddings are just shit.

SesameOil · 19/10/2019 19:21

The issue isn't really childfree weddings per se. It's childfree weddings where refusal from a parent whose child hasn't been invited offends the bride and groom/someone else close to them. It would be no problem if everyone adhered to the MN mantra of fine to have whatever specifications you want for your wedding, fine for people to then refuse on that basis. Everyone doesn't.

spanglydangly · 19/10/2019 19:24

Please stop with the ridiculous text speak!

And you had children at your wedding, so what are you talking about?

LaurieMarlow · 19/10/2019 19:25

Weddings should be a family occasion

No. Weddings should be what the B&G want them to be about.

Pukkatea · 19/10/2019 20:15

Weddings should be a family occasion

All my family are dead. Am I allowed a piss up with my friends please?

I think some people just don't want to admit that many people, particularly child free people, don't like being around their children. Other people's kids are annoying.

Answerthequestion · 19/10/2019 20:19

Totally agree. Only children I ever expect at weddings are immediate family eg siblings of bride or groom or their nieces and nephews. Can’t imagine a wedding with more than a table of kids

MandKsMam · 19/10/2019 20:26

Exactly.

I've only been to 2 weddings in my life. One when I was 9 or 10 where I was bridesmaid. The other one was a friend's wedding about 10 years ago before I had kids. I can't remember if there were kids at either.

I didn't realise they were, on the whole, child-free. If I was to ever get married, I wouldn't let kids be uninvited. In the extremely unlikely event I get invited to one in the next 5 years, if my kids can't come, neither can I

TheCanterburyWhales · 19/10/2019 20:27

Did someone leave the gate open at the cunt farm?

I don't like weddings. I don't much like children. But I reserve a special place in hell for nasty twats who post on threads just to belittle someone else's use of English (when theirs is often lacking) and (presumably) make themselves feel superior.

It really takes a special kind of unkindness.

spanglydangly · 19/10/2019 22:04

@TheCanterburyWhales can't apply to this thread, the OP used text speak not "English"!

Majorcollywobble · 19/10/2019 22:11

OP YABU
@ExcitedForFuture
I think you are right to feel hurt at the fact you will be alone at your sibling’s wedding .
I’m helping plan a family wedding now and all the children are being invited - non negotiable - as they ARE family . Plus friends of bride and groom can bring their children if they want to- some have said no thanks as they have sitters and want a day off ! For me a wedding should include as many family and friends as possible . If it costs more that way I say suck it up .
Sad your DC will find this particular wedding memorable for all the wrong reasons . I personally wouldn’t go if I were you. X

Drabarni · 19/10/2019 22:18

You should come to a gypsy wedding Grin I don't mean the one's you see on car crash tv.
A real family affair, the same with Irish travellers and Romany just different cultures, but big parties.

We all like different things and I think if the B&G have invited you it's because they want you there. If they don't want your kids too, then find a sitter. If you can't then you politely refuse the invitation saying why.

ShinyGiratina · 19/10/2019 22:51

The context of the wedding is important. Not inviting family children is generally pretty rubbish as often the children's babysitters will be there anyway.
Don't expect parents to leave children for multiple days or go hundreds of miles away.
Don't expect young babies to be left behind, BFed or not.
Think about who can realistically attend without children.

In our case, children were essential guests for family. Living scattered across the British Isles, the family part of our wedding would have reduced from 50 guests to pretty much a handful of grandparents and elderly aunts as nearly all youngish adults had children, that would have ruled out my mother bringing my brother!
Friends, we discussed personally. We were at the stage of being tight on capacity, but no one was in a position where they had to decline due to babysitting. Some friends were happier to arrange babysitting.

I've got great memories of the children at ours. One SiL was reading in the church and her toddler quietly came up to her to be picked up. At that moment she was reading the part of Corinthians where it read "when I was a child, I acted like a child" and it fitted perfectly. They also had a great time at the ceilidh. It was wonderful to have very nearly our full families in one place at the same time.

Your wedding has to be appropriate to who you want to invite if you actually want the guests to have a chance to attend. You'll never get it perfect for everyone, but there's no joy in inconveniencing a lot of guests or sending out what's basically a token invitation to people you're supposedly close to.

LolaSmiles · 19/10/2019 23:14

I don't mind what couples choose to do as long as they graciously own the choice, accept any declines with politeness and, most importantly, don't make out their wedding preferences are a favour for friends.

Want a child free wedding? Great.

But if it's 4 hours away, then please don't get annoyed or arsey with families who decline
Or if it's somewhere awkward then don't get arsey at how you've spent a fortune on a live band and bar only for 6 couples to leave at 10pm in order to drive back for babysitter

And please don't pretend the child free day is a gift to your friends who can enjoy a child free weekend of drinking etc.

ExcitedForFuture · 19/10/2019 23:18

@11Majorcollywobble thanks. I'm seriously debating whether to bother or not tbh.

spanglydangly · 19/10/2019 23:25

*Weddings should be a family occasion

All my family are dead. Am I allowed a piss up with my friends please?*

Obviously, it's a different situation for you.

OchNah · 20/10/2019 00:23

What’s a ‘wud’? What is ‘laughing out loud’ worthy about the original post?
Also, why does anyone feel entitled to inflict their kid on someone else’s wedding? It’s not ‘about the kids’, it’s like, £80 a head to witness a legal ceremony between a couple, nothing to do with kids. I feel sorry for anyone who thinks their offsprings presence ‘makes a wedding’ 😄 wise up. A load of snotty, screeching kids adds nothing to a wedding (or anything else), they’ll be bored shitless and be in the way. Just stay at home and be raging about it, if that’s what you’re into.

OchNah · 20/10/2019 00:24

‘The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb’
Family is what we choose for ourselves.