Why people get annoyed at no children wedding a

[Irishmumtogirls]

I'm a bit miffed at why so many threads are about no kids at weddings. Mabey it's an Irish thing but Aby wedding invite I've had never mentioned kids and I wudnt expect it.
I was married last year onky children invited were me and dh neices and nephews and r own daughter. Al kids were sent home after the dinner to their other grand parenmnts for the night. My daughter was minded in hotel room by wokrer from her creche. We al had a fab night with no worry.
Never once wud any of my friends expect their kids to be invited to a wedding and personally wud Prib be horrified at the thought of it. Why not enjoy a night off.
I get ebf but come on there is ways around this.
Ready to be roasted lol

[Zeldetta]

Breastfeeding is hard enough without having to try and adapt just for a wedding

Agreed but decline if it’s too difficult? Why is breastfeeding a valid reason not to attend but not having childcare or having a child that is very distressed when left overnight isn’t?

I hate the ‘breastfeeding’ exception. If you want to make exceptions for babies then do so but In my opinion it should be age based not based on how they’re fed.

[Swisskit]

What's with all the txt spk OP? Not really the done thing on MN.

[LaurieMarlow]

But a BF baby is more difficult to leave. Why shouldn’t that be taken into account?

[reginafelangee]

Pretty much every wedding I've ever been to (I'm 45 so a lot) has either been child free or only family children.

The only people I've ever known upset about this are people in online forums.

Having said that those that are upset have such an entitled attitude maybe it's just that I don't include people like that in my social circle.

[Aragog]

Lots of reasons why people aren't keen.

These are necessarily my own views but ones I've heard of in Real life or on Mumsnet:

(A) cost, time, inconvenience and/or practicality of finding childcare especially if overnight; not everyone has free local childcare at hand; not all children can be left (baby, breastfeeding, disabilities or special needs, can't be left overnight, etc)

(B) children not seen as part of the family, especially for a family wedding; we wouldn't think it's okay to exclude other age groups so why are children fine to exclude

(C) bride and groom get cross or annoyed that someone can't come to the wedding due to children not coming; b&g should always accept that people can say no to an invitation, especially if their reason is a consequence of the b&g's choices

(D) limited family time off work so don't want to spend some of it without their children esp of the wedding includes a fair bit of cost, travel time and/or holiday days from work

(E) when the b&g say the reason is so that the parents can enjoy themselves when the actual reason is the b&g don't want children there for whatever reason

(F) a dislike of children only being allowed to go if they are wedding props for photographs


I have only been (invited) to two child free weddings despite going to many many weddings over my 40 odd years. Been to dozens over the years but pretty much all have included child guests.

[Valanice1989]

@cherrytreesa, they were actually angry that their twelve-year-old wasn't being sold alcohol?

[Aragog]

The thing is lots of bride and grooms don't really know what their friends think about it, as most guests don't tell them. Not just about a child free wedding, but about other wedding choices: week day wedding, wedding miles from local area, wedding in middle of nowhere, wedding in an expensive venue, etc. And often then made worse by the b and g getting upset or annoyed if anyone tries to say they can't go.

Most people just not and agree the wedding was a lovely event and don't complain about how much of a pain it was to find childcare, the fact that they had to lose money to take a day of work or had to use a couple of days holiday, that it cost them a small fortune to pay to go and stay or that the bar cost was ridiculously high. Most people I find just keep quiet and compliant to their partner quietly instead.

So whilst a b&g may think their guests were all totally unstressed and not inconvenienced or frustrated, chances are that may not really be the case at all.

So yes - find to make your own choices, but please don't put any pressure on guests if they say they can't make it. Just accept it graciously.

[BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou]

@BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou If the common viewpoint is that the only opportunity where children can possibly be taught to behave properly is a wedding, that explains the decline in behaviour I suppose

Well my DD attended her first wedding at two years old. She knew how to behave as she had been attending weekly mass since she was one week old. Both my DCs have attended several weddings as children and never caused any disruption.

Attending a wedding is not the only way to teach correct behaviour but maybe the problem is actually that the adults can’t teach their children as they themselves have never been shown how to behave. As long as children are excluded from important events this will be a vicious circle of inexperience.

I have pictures of myself at weddings from the age of three onwards so learned from the example of older children.

[WhoTellsYourStory]

@BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou But children aren't excluded from all social events, as you yourself say. They don't have to go to weddings to learn how to behave, and those parents who've never learned how to behave in public didn't get that way because someone didn't invite them to a wedding. The decline in poor behaviour may be one reason why childfree weddings are now popular, but childfree weddings are not creating a decline in children's behaviour.

[TequilaPilates]

I remember going to a wedding of a work colleague when I was about 21. I'd been to.lots of weddings as a child because that's how my family is.

One of our friends there had never been to a wedding and had no idea what to do - where to sit etc. I thought it was really strange at the time but that will become more common won't it? How will young adults know what to do at a wedding when none of them have ever been?

[WhoTellsYourStory]

@TequilaPilates I get where you're coming from, but the purpose of a wedding isn't to teach children how to behave. If adults are uncertain due to not having been to one as a child, then they can always ask like in your example, or draw on what they've been told from their parents and relatives. It's what I did, as I didn't attend a wedding until I was 19. I'm not saying that all weddings should be childfree, and by the looks of it plenty still aren't, which is good! I'm just saying that the purpose of the event isn't an educational experience for children.

[LaurieMarlow]

It’s really not that hard to figure out how to behave at a wedding as an adult. Plenty of people do it and cope just fine.

[TequilaPilates]

Yes currently it's not hard because more people have been to weddings than haven't.

As time goes on though you'll end up with far fewer people who've gone to weddings and far more who haven't been.

I've not been to a wedding in 20 years now. So from a baby until 30 I went to weddings. Only about 5, including my own, as an adult.

[LaurieMarlow]

As time goes on though you'll end up with far fewer people who've gone to weddings and far more who haven't been

I reckon we’ll all cope.

[Notnownotneverever]

Because I have such happy memories of going to a few family weddings as a child and had a great time. Children are part of families and it's wonderful when they are included.

[Zeldetta]

Don’t really understand what there is to know about how to attend a wedding.

[WhoTellsYourStory]

@TequilaPilates Well on that basis it'll be fine as nobody will know what the wedding rules are and therefore nobody will be breaking them - but I really don't think we're going to end up with absolutely nobody under the age of 18 ever attending a wedding.

If you mean the rules of behaving in public then this can be done perfectly well outside weddings.

Bottom line is that the purpose of a wedding is not to teach children how to behave at weddings.

[TequilaPilates]

Where to sit, based on whether you are on bride's side or grooms? Not talking, not playing on your phone, singing hymns, praying if it's in church. Mind you judging by my recent experience people don't understand how to behave in a theatre either and seem to think it's fine to talk throughout the performance so maybe talking and being on your phone are fine during a wedding too?

[TequilaPilates]

Well on that basis it'll be fine as nobody will know what the wedding rules are and therefore nobody will be breaking them

I think that's really sad.

[mindutopia]

I think it’s because it implies everyone just has childcare available and can magically snap their fingers and Mary Poppins appears.

We have no one. No extended family nearby. Closest UK family are really 6 hours away (and they have no kids and literally would shit themselves if left in sole charge of someone’s child!). My family are a 10 hour flight away. We have a babysitter but she’s not a nanny . She has a day job and can’t do overnights. No wedding we’ve ever been invited to has been in driving distance away. We can’t just leave them at home alone. They’re 6 and 1.

A couple times my mum has timed her annual visit so she could stay overnight with them (flying from half way around the world to do it). But she can’t drive and just finished cancer treatment so we really can’t ask her for much. Plus several ‘child free’ weddings have been destination weddings abroad. We definitely can’t make childcare appear for 4 days while we fly to Italy.

We mostly don’t go and that also annoys people. Because they either don’t have kids or they have parents who are still living and lots of free help and support.

Though I did once go to a mostly child free wedding where only close family could bring children. We were the only ones who didn’t bring are nanny. And at the start of the meal all the children (except ours), disappeared off with the nannies and other assorted household staff to sit in a separate room and never to be seen again.

[WhoTellsYourStory]

@TequilaPilates You're talking about basic behaviour in public. That should continue to be taught in daily life, and nobody is going to end up not knowing how to do those things simply because they weren't invited to a wedding as a child.

(Ushers will still exist to direct people to a side, and tables will still have names on to direct guests.)

The theatre is a great example. There are some shows, and some locations, where it isn't appropriate for children under a certain age. That isn't "really sad", it's part of life. People who behave badly in those places may never have been taught themselves how to do it - in day to day life. Weddings aren't the sole opportunity for learning, and childfree weddings are not the cause of people not raising their kids properly. They are a consequence.

[TequilaPilates]

Ushers will still exist to direct people to a side, and tables will still have names on to direct guests.)

Ushers are just guests, not professionals.

Yes, you're right about standards of behaviour but it seems that we no longer include children in formal occasions and so there's fewer and fewer opportunities to teach children how to behave. No, weddings aren't the only ones but they are opportunities to teach children, in the context of wider family, how to behave in different situations.

[WhoTellsYourStory]

@TequilaPilates I think we'll have to agree to disagree. I think there are plenty of places for teaching kids the kind of lessons they'll need to participate even better basically in society (they'll need to be able to listen to others, not play on phones, not talk constantly at school, for instance) and if parents are doing that then chances are their children will be more welcome at formal events than would those who haven't been taught these things. I don't think we're going to end up with entirely childfree weddings, but even if that were the case I think that what needs to be born in mind is that nobody is entitled to attend anybody else's wedding.

[spanglydangly]

Where to sit, based on whether you are on bride's side or grooms? Not talking, not playing on your phone, singing hymns, praying if it's in church. Mind you judging by my recent experience people don't understand how to behave in a theatre either and seem to think it's fine to talk throughout the performance so maybe talking and being on your phone are fine during a wedding too?

Oh yeah a child going to two or three weddings when young is totally going to change their social skills!

I expect those in the theatre had parents that only attended child free weddings?

[TequilaPilates]

I think that what needs to be born in mind is that nobody is entitled to attend anybody else's wedding.

I agree. Equally no one has the right to demand anybody else attends their hen do or wedding either.