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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

21 yr old daughter doesnt want to contribute to our home financially

407 replies

worcestershiremum · 18/10/2019 22:43

my daughter totally refused to contribute to household financially,she paid a small amount last year,but just refuses and says i just want her for her ££,I paid my mum and dad from 16
any suggestions?
Im deff being taken for a mug

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 19/10/2019 07:41

We need context op. Is she in full time employment, or has she just returned from traveling or uni, what's her story.?

Lobsterquadrille2 · 19/10/2019 07:48

My nearly 22 year old DD lives at home, graduated in the summer and doesn't have a job yet. I don't expect or need her to pay anything but she buys her own food, toiletries, household cleaning stuff, cat food etc. She also does absolutely everything in the house. Oh and spends time with my nearly 90 year old DM which is really helpful for me as I work long hours during the week.

I hadn't even thought about it but I think I have a good deal! It's always been just the two of us and she was in full time day care from two months old, plus full time holiday care and if she wants to spend a year doing this, it works for us. She's not lazy or workshy and will do cleaning jobs for friends and family - it's different if they do nothing all day (in my opinion).

FuriousVexation · 19/10/2019 07:54

I have some slight sympathy with your DD if she's never previously been asked to contribute.... but you said she had previously been paying rent.

Is there a back story here? Has she been trying to find work but been unsuccessful?

My DS (mid 20s) lives with me and doesn't financially contribute because he literally has zero income (long story) but he earns his keep by doing ALL of the household tasks including looking after our menagerie of animals. I haven't picked up the vacuum since he moved back in!

Something we do is that instead of me just buying food for him in our weekly shop, I give him an allowance of £30 per week, and he can spend it on whatever food he likes. If he doesn't come with me in the car to Aldi on a Saturday then he's stuck using a third of that budget on bus/trams so he knows it is in his interest to come. If he has any cash left over after his grocery shopping then he can spend it however he likes.

I work away during the week so don't buy a lot of groceries for me but when I'm home at the weekends we like to cook something for both of us and I fund that. (Usually pretty cheap like bolognese or cottage pie.)

I moved out of home when I was 17 and was so glad to have my independence. It made me a bit Confused that my DS didn't want that, but on reflection it just means he feels more secure in his relationship with me, than I did with my mum. So it's all good.

gingersausage · 19/10/2019 07:59

Do some of you envisage suddenly hating your children when they turn 18? All this shit about “kicking them out”. For what reason? Just because they are adults? I presume all the people spouting this bollocks haven’t actually got adult “children”. I love having four adults living in my house. There’s always someone to have a sensible conversation with and no one whining at me. I don’t understand why I’d kick either of mine out, or my daughter’s boyfriend who spends half his time here too.

My son pays a bit of rent and his phone bill and does his washing. He works full time and is fairly crap with money so I put his rent money away for him. He mostly eats at work or buys his own food, so he doesn’t really cost me anything extra. My daughter works part time and is a mega-saver so I don’t charge her rent. She pays her phone bill and buys a lot of her own food too and her washing goes in with mine. They cost me far less money than they would if they were at university! I’m in no particular rush to get rid of any of them. They don’t have any negative effects on my life.

As for the OP, posts like this are totally pointless. There’s no actual information and you haven’t bothered answering anyone’s questions so no one can give you any useful solutions.

stucknoue · 19/10/2019 08:00

Depends on circumstances, if she's a student fair enough, some apprenticeships pay very little so once she's paid for lunches, personal stuff and transport there's little left. But otherwise £50 a week is fair

OhTheRoses · 19/10/2019 08:04

Our home is the children's home. DS is here until until Xmas when he is moving out. Since uni he has had a gap year when he worked, done a full-time masters AND a part-time job. Started full-time salaried role 1st October.

Since leaving uni he has paid for his phone, contact lenses, gym and fares. From now he pays for his car and will be cooking one evening a week (and buying the food that night).

He gets all laundry and cleaning done. We are all working. We don't need the money.

DS is sensible with money though and has saved £10k since leaving uni. He takes a flask and packed lunch out with him every day. If his attitude to money were different and if he were entitled my view may be different.

CinnamonMentos · 19/10/2019 08:08

My parents charged all of us rent once we had a job. They saved it all and gave it back to us when we got married or bought a house.

BertrandRussell · 19/10/2019 08:12

“ My parents charged all of us rent once we had a job. They saved it all and gave it back to us when we got married or bought a house.”

People often advocate this. I think it is incredibly infantilising and patronising.

Nodancingshoes · 19/10/2019 08:14

I got a job at 18. It was not well paid but I contributed to the household - think it was £15 a week back in the 90's. Of course working people should pay a contribution to live at home - these days I would say anything from £25-£50 a week

SlightlyStaleCocoPops · 19/10/2019 08:17

"People often advocate this. I think it is incredibly infantilising and patronising"

How so?

BertrandRussell · 19/10/2019 08:19

“You thought we were taking rent from you, but all along we were saving it up because we didn’t trust you not to spend all your money on sweeties!”

SlightlyStaleCocoPops · 19/10/2019 08:24

How is this a bad thing?

Jizelle · 19/10/2019 08:24

As if OP will do any of this. She'll just wring her hands and then go clean her daughter's room.

BeyondMyWits · 19/10/2019 08:26

"these are the bills, the adults in the house contribute"

"these are the chores, everybody mucks in"

"we treat each other with respect"

The three tenets of our household, we rub along nicely together (DH and I, 2 daughters 17 and 18) - these have been in place since the kids were old enough to run a cloth round the skirting boards.

No one would dream of refusing to pay towards their keep if they were earning. Can you imagine if I said, "no, I'm keeping my wages, you'll have to pay the electric bill yourself..."

JenniR29 · 19/10/2019 08:28

‘People often advocate this. I think it is incredibly infantilising and patronising.’

I agree, teaches nothing about financial responsibility either. I saved my own house deposit whilst paying rent once I’d left home (took me years!). My parents used my rent to cover the financial burden of having an extra adult in the house.

KTCluck · 19/10/2019 08:28

BertrandRussell I see your point, and hadn’t thought of it from that side before. However, if I’m in the position to do that for my DD it will be from the angle of ‘you’re saving hard, here is the rest’ or ‘sorry things are a bit of a struggle for you at the moment, I’d like to help’. I wouldn’t be telling her explicitly that it was her board money I’d saved.

woodhill · 19/10/2019 08:33

Yes, my ds is not contributing at the moment. I said he must after Christmas and yes I will probably save it for him

IDontWantToCookTonight · 19/10/2019 08:34

I’m 23 now but since the minute I started working a proper job at 14, I paid my mum £40 a week plus whatever my phone contract costs, until I was 18 then the phone contract got put in my name.

I never quibbled. It taught me money management and gave me a slight idea of how bills work.

I bought my first home at 21 with my DP, he never paid any kind of board to his parents and I’m the person who sort all the bills, insurances and letters as he just doesn’t have a clue how to do it. He wouldn’t know where to start.

Tell DD that if she doesn’t want to pay board you can help her find a suitable flat or house to rent, explain the costs of water, gas electric, council tax, food bill, rent, utilities, furniture and upkeep. I’m sure then she won’t mind chipping in.

IDontWantToCookTonight · 19/10/2019 08:36

I wonder if my gas and electric providers are saving all my pennies to pay me back when I deserve it? Hmm

Rezie · 19/10/2019 08:37

I don't want to contribute financially towards my flat either but I think my landlord would diagree so I pay anyways.

I'm not a big fan of parents asking for rent and I would rather move out. But the adult children's should definately do extra around the house.
But since she is an adult and you want her to pay rent then she has to. If the arrangement isn't good for her, she can move out.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 19/10/2019 08:38

I agree with @BertrandRussell. If you need the money, use it. If you don't, taking it, curbing your children's spending and saving it for them isn't teaching them much about budgeting and saving apart from forcing them to save the amount you have decided for them. I appreciate that I may be in the minority on MN though.

incognitomum · 19/10/2019 08:39

How much is she earning?

Lazypuppy · 19/10/2019 08:40

Yep show her where the door is and show her how much more expensive it is than what you are charging.

She needs to be a grown up and realise food, heating etc cost money

Rezie · 19/10/2019 08:43

I've never gotten a monthly allowance as a teen form where I had buy my things. I also never had to pay board when I lived at home. I still learned money management. So I really don't think it's necessary for that. You can learn it other ways.

Also asking under 18yo to contribute towards necesary things even if they work is not okay in my books.

MuchBetterNow · 19/10/2019 08:43

My parents could never have saved my dig money to give back to me, they needed every penny and I would never save my dc contribution, it gets used for food and utilities. I think people saving it and giving it back are letting their dc down, your dc future landlord isn't going to be quite so generous and accommodating.