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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

21 yr old daughter doesnt want to contribute to our home financially

407 replies

worcestershiremum · 18/10/2019 22:43

my daughter totally refused to contribute to household financially,she paid a small amount last year,but just refuses and says i just want her for her ££,I paid my mum and dad from 16
any suggestions?
Im deff being taken for a mug

OP posts:
SlightlyStaleCocoPops · 19/10/2019 08:44

This fucking website Jesus Christ 🤣🤣🤣 yes, it's such dreadful parenting to save money for your child. How selfish to take money from your adult children, that they would have to part with anyway if not living at home, and use it later when they might have more need for it. Ridiculous!

jellycatspyjamas · 19/10/2019 08:45

Do some of you envisage suddenly hating your children when they turn 18?
Not at all, I’m looking forward to having adult children around the house but part of being an adult is taking responsibility - whether that be financial or responsibility for keeping the house as a comfortable place to live.

TriciaH87 · 19/10/2019 08:46

Tell her that as her landlord effectively you expect her to pay rent. You do not receive money to support her at her age and as an adult in this world if she does not want to live on the streets and expects food hot water etc she pays her way. If she doesn't like it she can go tell the council she's being made homeless because she refuses to pay her living costs.

username578999 · 19/10/2019 08:48

Well it depends my 21 year old ds pays nothing but he's at university.
So what's the point of opening a post with little info .
Does she work ? Is she at uni ?
If she works full time course she should pay rent . as soon as my dc is working full time of course I want rent it's only fair but while he's at uni no .

LittleCandle · 19/10/2019 08:50

At 21, DD1 had been living away from home for 4 years, working full time. DD2 was a student, refusing to take money from me and supporting herself through student loans and working. During the summer holidays, she worked full time, overtime and all the time to make sure she had enough money to continue to pay for her flat, bills etc and still have some money for fun. She continued to do this while doing her Master's, too.

Now, she is working full time, living with her fiance, saving for their wedding and saving for a house deposit. When she comes home for a few days, she mucks in and does what needs doing the same as she always did.

I would be telling your DD that she contributes or she is leaving. And then stick to your guns!

dottiedodah · 19/10/2019 08:51

For all those saying they took rent and saved it for DC ,what kind of life lesson is this? They may not be in a position to do the same for their own DC ,and they may feel resentful that they were charged money when they could have been saving independently .Either way it smacks of being patronising and not trusting them with their own money!

Gimmechipschocolateandcake · 19/10/2019 08:52

Kick her out. She is an adult and you have no obligation to house her now.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/10/2019 08:52

Is op coming back ?

Course she needs to pay even if small amount

I used to pay £60 a month 20yrs ago but in the provision that I would put £150 a month away to go towards a mortgage

Which I did and had £13k to put down

My partner at that time had to give his mum £50 a week - but that’s coz she didn’t work - tho could have done. Don’t think she has worked for years 🙄

Sure she missed that £200 a month when we got our mortgage

ParkLife123 · 19/10/2019 08:53

Some of these replies are ludicrous. Your child does not suddenly have to start paying rent at the age of 18 you know or as soon as they become an “adult”. That’s not the only way to teach fiscal responsibility Hmm Many are still in full time education at that age and when mine reach that age I’d like to think I won’t be charging them rent but encouraging them to save and helping them do so in any way possible.

The answer is not black and white and it very much depends on what she’s doing for a living, how much she earns, what else she is spending it on or whether she’s still studying, etc. And for those of you who advocate kicking your kids out if they don’t pay up, my God do I feel sorry for your children. Let’s teach them about the real world by forcing them into a homeless situation and giving them mental health problems for life! Great parenting!

FionaOgre · 19/10/2019 08:57

Tell her to leave then. And in the mean time change the Netflix (if you have it) and WiFi passwords and I would even lock the food away. If she works and is refusing to pay then she doesn't get anything!

TheJoxter · 19/10/2019 08:57

I was living at home at 21, paid my mum £100/WEEK plus bought about half of my own food. She wasn’t saving it to give back to me and I wouldn’t have expected her to, that money paid for the electric, water, food that I used, my portion of the rent and the fact that I was taking up a bedroom (wasn’t the house I grew up in so it wasn’t my ‘childhood bedroom’ which would have felt different I think). My mum was on a low income and had recently separated from my dad and got less financial support by way of benefits because I was living at home so I made up for that.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/10/2019 08:59

You really haven't given enough information.

If your DD is working FT and you need the money then yes she should be contributing.

Personally I don't anticipate to need the money when DS is a working adult and I won't be charging him anything but I would expect him to build a savings account, pay for his own mobile phone/clothes etc and certainly be doing household chores.

londonrach · 19/10/2019 09:05

I really dont understand why people dont charge adult working children. Op in your case sounds like your dd needs some life lessons. Give her notice to find own place, dont do any of her washing etc. Good luck being a parent is hard

KUGA · 19/10/2019 09:14

She needs to grow up.
Firstly I would stop allowing her food and the use of anything in the home, I e, washing machine/iron/tv internet etc.
Then tell her she can have the use of it back when she starts paying her way.
Or go.

UrkStarkadder · 19/10/2019 09:15

Really surprised at all the kick her out responses Hmm
Way to fuck up your relationship with your DD for life.
If she’s working FT you are not unreasonable to ask for some money. However you state that your parents made you pay from the age of 16 which I think is pretty shitty actually.

funnylittlefloozie · 19/10/2019 09:16

I bet this thread ends up in the Daily Heil. Typical lazy "journalist"-type thread with no detail, but guaranteed to get everyone worked up.

Collision · 19/10/2019 09:19

Where’s the OP gone ?

Beesandcheese · 19/10/2019 09:23

Once we were out of ft education my siblings and I had to pay half of our income up to £250 per month.

Grasspigeons · 19/10/2019 09:23

Its tricky because is there an actual cost of her being there? For instance I was the second adult in my mums house so council tax went up and my mum knew how much gas, water and electric went up compared to when i wasnt there and she purposely kept a bigger house so i had somwhere to live. So i paid the cost of that. My DH parents were a couple so council tax didnt change. They had paid off their mortgage and were perfectly happy in their house - so it was literally any extra gas, water or electric. I would have thought they were a tight to charge him to make a profit out of it. Its not as if they would have rented his room out as part of their income if he wasnt useing it.

Beesandcheese · 19/10/2019 09:23

Bargain really

UrkStarkadder · 19/10/2019 09:26

Oh and to the pp bashing millennials upthread, do fuck off. Not all of them have to have the right phones, expensive designer bollocks and lots of holidays. I’m sure some would rather have that lifestyle, but that comment is rather akin to the dickhead who said they can’t afford mortgages because they spend their money on avocados.
I’m sure some are feckless, but a lot are struggling on zero shitting hour contracts, juggling various gigs to increase their income and don’t have a hope in hell of actually getting on the housing ladder.
I see this where I live in the SE and London area, so yes very expensive property compared to say, Hull or Burnley. But that also comes with more job opportunities. I’m not s millennial but I’m fed up with them bring written off as lazy snowflakes; they’ve got a pretty shit deal really. It’s not the bloody 90’s still where anyone on a shit salary could buy a nice house.

Member984815 · 19/10/2019 09:36

I had a mortgage at 20 with my now husband who was 21 at the time , we had a daughter together and were independent from our parents , my daughter is 18 now and works a weekend job and is still at school full-time , I've recently stopped cooking separate stuff for her because she doesn't like the dinners I've made and make her buy her own clothes for going out and any extras that she wants she gets herself , I feel bad doing it but I also think them knowing how life really is before going out in the world is more helpful than harmful

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/10/2019 09:40

When DD! moved home after university, I didn't charge her until she got her (well paid) job. Then we split the bills 50/50 (I'm a single mum and it was just me and her in the house). I did all the housework though as her standards were atrocious! She'd run the hoover round or wash up if I asked though.

All these people with their 'take the money and put it in a savings account and give it back when they leave' must be covering their bills comfortably without their DC's input then, I guess.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/10/2019 09:40

DD1. Although there was a fair amount of ! about, some days.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/10/2019 09:41

And to all the posters who say they had a mortgage in their early 20s, you need to realise that everyone has a different set of circumstances. Not everyone is in a position where they can live at home paying minimal rent to their parents and save up! And mortgage lenders are very strict these days, if you're earning minimum wage you can't get a house (and yes somebody HAS to do those minimum wage jobs, it's not always a case of "upping your earning potential" as is always trotted out on here) people on a low wage should have the right to own their own homes too.

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