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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

21 yr old daughter doesnt want to contribute to our home financially

407 replies

worcestershiremum · 18/10/2019 22:43

my daughter totally refused to contribute to household financially,she paid a small amount last year,but just refuses and says i just want her for her ££,I paid my mum and dad from 16
any suggestions?
Im deff being taken for a mug

OP posts:

Aunaturalmama · 18/10/2019 23:34

Oh and to all you moms saying kick the kid out I just wanna say my husband is a mental health professional and specializes in rehabilitation centers.... 90% of the young adults in the rehab said their parents kicked them out they had no where to go to took a drug to test positive to be allowed into the rehab to have a warm bed and meal for the night. Please do not kick your children to the curb when you as the parents were the one that failed to teach them to be suitable functioning adults. That’s rubbish parenting.

saraclara · 18/10/2019 23:40

Two of my children bought a house at 21 and 23

You must live in an incredibly cheap part of the country. Or they have staggeringly well paid jobs and had help with the deposit.

Mammylamb · 18/10/2019 23:56

Gosh, 16 years ago I was 22 and was paying £250 a month (came out with about £800 a month after tax) and I still had lots to spend on myself

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/10/2019 00:02

I bought my first home at 21 and not in a cheap area. I was a nurse at the time so not a well paid job. It was pretty common here in the 90s/early 00s. I'm surprised a few posters find it unusual.

PickAChew · 19/10/2019 00:17

Tell her to find her own food and laundry products, toiletries etc or move out. She probably has no idea what this stuff costs.

JoyceJeffries · 19/10/2019 00:25

How much does she earn and how much were you planning on charging her?

autumnleaves99 · 19/10/2019 00:30

Can she afford to give you money? Do you need it? Is her living with you a short term or long term arrangement?

I moved back to my parents house for around 6 months when I was mid-20's and thinking back on it now i always saw my parents house as somewhere you could go if you needed to, the door was always open, and I'd have been pretty upset if they'd asked me to pay them to be there. But I don't know your circumstances, maybe your daughter is taking advantage, maybe you need the money, so it's hard for anyone to give a balanced view when they don't know all the facts. But I would hope I'd never be put in the position where one of my children needed or wanted to stay with me and I had to ask them to give me money to do so.

saraclara · 19/10/2019 00:33

I bought my first home at 21 and not in a cheap area. I was a nurse at the time so not a well paid job. It was pretty common here in the 90s/early 00s.

@Willyoujustbequiet the 90s were a whole different time, re: housebuying.
I bought my present home then, on a teacher's salary. My 30 year old daughter is a nurse, and doesn't stand a chance of buying the same home (or even one half the size)

minesagin37 · 19/10/2019 00:36

Personally I would not charge my kids rent from 16-18 because you're still in receipt of child benefit and they are still in full time education. 18 yes that's different.

minesagin37 · 19/10/2019 00:38

Oh she's 21! Why did I think she was 16?

Aquamarine1029 · 19/10/2019 00:42

@saraclara

You must live in an incredibly cheap part of the country. Or they have staggeringly well paid jobs and had help with the deposit.

Nonsense. My 22 year old son just bought his first home, not in a "cheap" part of the country and with absolutely NO help with deposit. He has worked his arse off and been saving since he was a teen. Sadly, this is almost unheard of in modern times. Young adults are now seen as children and treated as such.

smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 19/10/2019 00:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morrisseysquif · 19/10/2019 01:00

You said it. Mug.

katewhinesalot · 19/10/2019 01:04

It doesn't matter if she doesn't want to. You want her to, so she does.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/10/2019 01:07

It depends. What income does she have, and why is she living with you? If she's on benefits because she can't get a job (either through lack of jobs or because her physical/mental health make it difficult) then you need to suck it up and support her. If you want her to keep on living in the family home because you need her to look after younger siblings or another dependent family member, then you're on shaky round charging her to do so.
If she's a high or moderately high earner who just likes having her dinner cooked and her washing done, then it' fair enough to tel her that she needs to pull her weight or move on.

Nanny0gg · 19/10/2019 01:22

I cannot imagine ever telling my parents No when they told me I would be paying 'keep'.

It absolutely wasn't an option.

Nor was it for my children (although they never objected)

user1486131602 · 19/10/2019 01:22

Start with her phone contract!if she doesn’t pay it she wou t be able to use it! That’s the end of the modern world!!

BarbedBloom · 19/10/2019 01:33

Is she actually earning? Is she at Uni?

She should be contributing in some way, whether that is cleaning the house a bit, giving a bit of money etc. I wouldn't be charging personally if she was saving for a deposit and I could afford not to, but everyone is different.

I have to say though, I don't agree with charging 16 year olds rent though unless you have lost benefits for them starting work etc. I don't know many 16 - 25 year olds who could buy a house or even rent around here. Even the shared rooms are high

kateandme · 19/10/2019 02:23

Aunaturalmama this.thankyou for putting this

saraclara · 19/10/2019 02:23

My 22 year old son just bought his first home, not in a "cheap" part of the country and with absolutely NO help with deposit. He has worked his arse off and been saving since he was a teen.

@Aquamarine1029 my teacher daughter has just bought her first (tiny) home. She has been a saver since the moment she got pocket money, and the only person I know who managed to save while a uni student.
But the deposit and fees alone on her tiny £200k house took years and years of saving once she was working and paying rent/bills at the same time, never mind working for long enough to reach a salry that would qualify her for the mortgage on that house. Doing that by 22 is an impossibility for anyone who went to uni

kateandme · 19/10/2019 02:26

there needs to be more to whats going on here.
all those people saying kick her out.really.shes your child! these things need to be worked through.talked about.together.with the child still in the house.(yes i know she is adult but in words terms she is still your child)
is she able to pay?
is she studying,working?
whats your relationship/her attitude/home life like.this seems pretty out there beahviour for a reasonable adult.
how much have you talked this through?
why is she refusing?
how is she allowed to be refusing and why?

Purpleartichoke · 19/10/2019 02:37

At 21 I would expect my dd to still be in full-time education. As such, I would be paying her living expenses. Her living in my home instead of her own place would save me money.

If she wasn’t in school for anything other than a medical reason, I would expect my dd to find as close to full-time employment as possible and pay rent.

HoppingPavlova · 19/10/2019 03:11

No idea if this is reasonable or not. If a 21yo in full time uni then you’d be expected to cover living costs. 21yo with a multi-million start up business then YANBU and there are all possibilities in between.

None of my 21yo’s have paid anything towards living costs. In demanding full time education so no different to being at school really. They do have the odd job, but that’s pin money and they use it to go on the odd outing to movies with friends, night out bowling etc. We cover roof over their head, food, toiletries if included in general shop etc. Then we give money for birthdays and Xmas that covers clothes. I also transfer money across to their account if I know they are having hair cut etc as it’s not cheap and none take the piss, just get cuts, no dye jobs or added extra’s, they would need to finance that themselves. We also cover things like glasses, medication, medical appts etc at that age.

HoppingPavlova · 19/10/2019 03:17

Should have added, at that age they are expected to do stuff in the house to help. Washing, yard work, vacuuming, cooking a meal one night a week, picking us up if we’re having a few drinks sonewhere. Still a lot of ‘reminding’ seems to go on but it gets done (at some point, eventually).

Aebj · 19/10/2019 03:29

When I got a paper round at 14 I paid my parents something stupid like £1 a week.( I got around £3 a week!!) As I got older and got more part time jobs I kept paying my parents. Even when I left home, if I can back for a weekend I would pay my parents some money and take wine, take them out for a coffee etc . My parents never saved it for me😂 your dd is very lucky

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