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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

21 yr old daughter doesnt want to contribute to our home financially

407 replies

worcestershiremum · 18/10/2019 22:43

my daughter totally refused to contribute to household financially,she paid a small amount last year,but just refuses and says i just want her for her ££,I paid my mum and dad from 16
any suggestions?
Im deff being taken for a mug

OP posts:

Flavabobble · 18/10/2019 22:59

Entirely depends on whether she’s working full time or a student.

smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 18/10/2019 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zsazsajuju · 18/10/2019 23:00

Is she working or a student? If she is a student you are obligated to support her and shouldn’t be asking her for money.

TooTrueToBeGood · 18/10/2019 23:00

Change the wifi password, If she refuses to contribute she doesn't get access.

What's your plan B if that doesn't work, put her on the naughty step?

smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 18/10/2019 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Deadlysinner · 18/10/2019 23:03

As a boomerang child I paid £140 a month for food, before my parents agreed to let me pay nothing when my brother finished uni. This contributed to the £1,000 a month I was able to save to move out. As pp have said it depends on whether you can afford it and what else she is doing with the money

UnitedRoad · 18/10/2019 23:03

I don’t agree that if you can afford them, you shouldn’t charge them. My almost 21 year old gives us £200 a month (grudgingly), which we put in a savings account for her, although she doesn’t know this. It’s nothing compared to what she’d pay in the real world, in our town room rental is around £600 pcm, not necessarily even including WiFi. Her £200 includes WiFi, Netflix, spotify, food, laundry facilities (though it’s up to her to do it) and basic toiletries, sanitary stuff, as I bulk buy. We thought that taking the £200 would at least give her some idea about budgeting, but looking at it written down, it’s not enough really. Our 18 year old refuses to pay, and is looking to rent a room. I doubt it will last long, she has no idea how expensive life is.

blue25 · 18/10/2019 23:03

It’s not even whether she should or shouldn’t pay. It’s her attitude that’s wrong here. She can’t just refuse to pay you. That’s just so rude and entitled.

dreichsky · 18/10/2019 23:04

This really depends on what the current situation is and how you got here.
Do you need the money?
Does she have the money?
What is she doing with her life?
What would you be doing with the space if she moved out?
Is she helping in other ways? If not, why not?
What are her longer term plans?

Winteriscomingfast · 18/10/2019 23:05

Change the wifi password, If she refuses to contribute she doesn't get access.

Mumsnet bingo
makes me laugh- in the days of unlimited d4g- wifi is irrelevant.

PavlovaFaith · 18/10/2019 23:07

@Winteriscomingfast

LemonSqueezy0 · 18/10/2019 23:10

Absolutely isn't about whether you need the money or not... Although for me that would be worse, if she can see you struggling while she spends her money as she wishes. You don't even have to save it for her secretly, for when she moves out. If she is an adult she contributes. This is for her sake as much as yours.
Give her notice, and say you are going to rent the room out.

Drum2018 · 18/10/2019 23:12

Give her a month to find somewhere else. No discussion. She's made her choice not to pay you, however she doesn't get to dictate that she can stay. No cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, buying food for her while she finds somewhere else to live.

saraclara · 18/10/2019 23:13

When my daughters moved back after uni, they contributed without a murmur. Without them knowing I put all their 'rent' into a savings account, and on the day they moved out, I gave it back to them.

StroppyWoman · 18/10/2019 23:19

Unless she's a student she should be contributing. Even unemployed young people receive an income.

It's reasonable for young adults to contribute 1/4 to 1/3 of their income up to a maximum amount. We decided £250 per month was a reasonable upper limit.

FrancisCrawford · 18/10/2019 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bowerbird5 · 18/10/2019 23:21

Two of my children bought a house at 21 and 23. DS2 has bought his second house while keeping an interest in the first one where DS3 now lives.He pays rent but not as much as we could get on the open market because he is on a low wage. DD is travelling.

Don't buy any food for her and change the wifi. She should at least contribute either with money or housework. DD cooked nearly every night when she was staying here unwaged and I left a couple of jobs for her to do while I was at work eg put the washing out.

Happymum12345 · 18/10/2019 23:24

Is she working? Saving up to move out?

barberbabble · 18/10/2019 23:25

@Mayborn

My Aunt took money off my cousin. In her teenage years my cousin went through her money like water. Same through her early twenties.

By mid twenties she had settled down, and started saving like mad for a deposit for a house of her own. At which point my Aunt gave her every penny of her "rent" back. Dcousin was able to buy a house much, much quicker.

It isn't a question of can or can't afford it. Sometimes you help your kids in non-obvious ways ….

Aunaturalmama · 18/10/2019 23:26

Nip that in the bud now. My brother was treated the exact same way. Honestly at that old it might be very hard to erase her entitlement. My brother is 23 and I as his sister just had to move him to my house and make him pay rent. It’s been 7 months and he’s now a respectable adult for the most part. He’s still entitled a bit and doesn’t even know when he’s doing it. It’s been 7 months of me getting rid of that entitlement caused by the lack of our parents teaching him financial responsibilities that a functioning adult NEEDS to know. You are doing your child a disservice by allowing her to not know financial responsibility

Sobeyondthehills · 18/10/2019 23:27

TBF I am in my 30s and I dont want to contribute to the bills either. The fact I have to otherwise I wont have food, electrice, gas, a roof over my head or the ability to post on MNs.

I moved back into my mums after my divorce and it didn't occur to me to not pay rent and it was just under what I was paying for a room

Aunaturalmama · 18/10/2019 23:27

We charged rent and didn’t tell him we were saving it away for his new place. When he was ready to move out he had everything he needed.

Aunaturalmama · 18/10/2019 23:31

Oh and if he wanted internet he paid his way, if he wanted anything besides shelter emotional support and basic food then he needed to work at it. Slowly he paid for his own food etc we also started giving him small jobs around the house for extra cash. Watching the animals while we’re on holiday, cleaning up the yard and any access we can’t get to in a timely manner etc it’s been nice to see him change with just some forced responsibility

WagtailRobin · 18/10/2019 23:32

She can only not contribute financially if you continue to allow her not to do so.

I contributed financially when I lived at home, as did all of my siblings when they were living at home; To me that is how life works, you pay your work as far as possible, and it is also how you learn, you learn that for most people nothing comes for free.

She wouldn't be able to live anywhere rent free other than your house, needing or not needing the money isn't a factor, it's the principle of the matter, she should be paying some amount.

Ponoka7 · 18/10/2019 23:33

@Bowerbird5 that's unusual if relying on a mortgage. The majority of lenders won't touch under 25's.

How did they do that?

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