21 yr old daughter doesnt want to contribute to our home financially

[worcestershiremum]

my daughter totally refused to contribute to household financially,she paid a small amount last year,but just refuses and says i just want her for her ££,I paid my mum and dad from 16
any suggestions?
Im deff being taken for a mug

I've told myself I'm never going to charge my children rent and they can live here as long as they need to. I made that human and I'm responsible for it. I think my personal feelings are swayed a lot by my own relationship with my mum and stepdad and the financial abuse I feel I suffered living with them. I was having to pay a quarter of all the household costs at 18 when they really didn't need that money, and I'd still get verbal abuse for things like making toast with the bread in the kitchen, or not working all the hours under the sun, or working nights instead of getting a day job, or taking too many showers (was only allowed to shower every other day or I had to pay extra). One time I had to go to my bank and ask to increase my overdraft because my mum wouldn't let me pay my rent a couple of weeks late. We don't have a very good relationship now but my mum still sees the kids once a month, stepdad and stepbrother are cut off. Perhaps I'm overcompensating as a result.

“ I know we all want to protect our kids but you’re setting them up to fail if you don’t teach the basics of survival.”
You know, I would trust my children to be able to tell the difference between living at home as family and living in a rented flat.
If you need the money then of course they pay If you don’t, they don’t . Simple as that.

Severa-what a horrible way to treat a child, am so sorry for you. I came from an abusive background and yes you tailor how you bring your kids up. Am sure your children love you💐. My kids after Uni and got their first full time job have helped out financially

I think everyones situations are different and everyones parenting styles are also different.
On the flip side my dd1 gets a lot of crap from her friend because i dont charge my daughter rent, shes a fulltime student, so is her friend her parents charge her 350 a month she works part time, so does my daughter. But when my daughter says shes stressed her friend makes a dig that she cant have stress cause she dont pay rent. Despite my daughters course being much more full on and advanced and she works with children..so she gets zero days off. Mon, tues thurs all day college then weds and thurs all day in a nursery and thurs evening sat and sun at work. Im not well off but we get allowances for her because she is still in education so i think its fair not to take money off her. Her friends parents however are very well off..both have good jobs, nice cars house in nice area etc.

@severa I had a similar upbringing, my father was mainly to blame and then in my late 20's/30's when I really needed to move back home to escape an abusive relationship my mother wouldn't let me - came up with all sorts of excuses, even though it was just her and one of my brothers living in a 5 bed house as my father had long ago divorced her and moved out. Anyway I won't further derail this thread but you sound like a lovely mum

I know we all want to protect our kids but you’re setting them up to fail if you don’t teach the basics of survival..
I’d rather hope my children were able to do more than survive. Charging them at 18/21 to live as part of a family still isn’t teaching them anything except that parents are a bit mean.
I hope I’m never in a situation where I have to charge my children to stay in their family home. I understand some parents struggle when child related income falls but that’s different entirely from the ‘it’s for their own good’ line.

And surely no child wants to see their parents struggling either. Its about give and take on both sides. My son paid 50 per week once he left education and worked full time but he knew if we were struggling and twice offered and happily paid for his little sisters school trip because we didnt have the money at the time. We will help them wherever we can and we have since lent him money and fed him towards the end of the month when he is broke, as he has now left home and he makes sure to.pay his rent and bills first. Give and take.
Just explain that you can not afford to charge nothing everything costs money. At 21 i would think she would understand this. My son just turned 21 and has lived alone for a year now. Rapidly grown up in that time

She needs to move out as she is being disrespectful.

It’s utterly appalling that so many posters on this thread have advised op to “lock up the food cupboard” and throw her daughter out on the street because her daughter (who is a 21 year old student and who op is obliged to support) won’t pay her to live in the family home.

Parents who refuse to maintain their children are neglectful awful people imo. I can’t imagine throwing out my kids or depriving them of food when they are studying just so I can get my hands on the earnings from their part time job.

Again, you are legally obliged to support your children till they are 25 if they are in education. Even if they’re not earning you benefits anymore. They are not adults the minute they turn 18.

And you are not teaching your kids anything by refusing to support their education other than they have a bad parent.

@Severa that sounds bloody rough. I am currently watching a member of my family behave like this to his kids. I cant say anything (we mutually dislike each other and dont communicate much). But my heart breaks for the lovely lovely kids experiencing this cruelty. Any advice on what I (as a not close family member who nonetheless knows whats going on) could do? For this person, its totally about control. They will shower kids w expensive gifts then deny money for winter shoes and limit showers. Awful.

For those pp that think it's utterly appalling that a parent won't support their child in third level education. Well, I agree to a certain extent, but in this case the daughter of the OP is in part time education, and has a job as well, earning good money.

You both should sit down and look at the household budget between you, as adults, and discuss it in a way that is fair to you both, that your daughter can see for herself where a shortfall might be.

For those pp that think it's utterly appalling that a parent won't support their child in third level education. Well, I agree to a certain extent, but in this case the daughter of the OP is in part time education, and has a job as well, earning good money.

I don't think people are saying that it would be appalling for OP not to charge rent as clearly she needs the money. They are commenting more on people charging if they don't need the money. I wouldn't charge my DC if they were studying and had a part time job because it is unlikely to pay that much and I would want them to them to benefit from their hard work rather than taking most of their money off them and I would hope that they use the money to save for a deposit so that they are eventually independent.

you are legally obliged to support your children till they are 25 if they are in education.

I didn't know this. Where is this information from? I'm not sure many people know this.

I'm not sure that's true, actually.

My DD1 went to university at 21 as a 'mature student' and my household income wasn't taken into account anywhere for her student loans/grants. She was seen as entirely self supporting.

You're not "legally obliged" to support you children until they are 25 at all. That is part of the problem because while parents income effects how much money students are loaned, there is nothing to make parents pay it. Indeed, as demonstrated on this thread, some parents will even take money off their children.

@StroppyWoman unemployed people under 25 who live with their parents don't usually get anything as the household income is counted.

@Willyoujustbequiet that was the 90s/00s.... 20-30 years ago.

Flats on my road cost £40k at that point, a two bed is now £615,000.

They're not talking about 30 years ago. They're talking about now.

I also think it comes down to whether the op is struggling financially just now? She said she had been previously but not very clear current circumstances...
definitely a chat re household budget and look to show daughter all the facts so they can work something out together.
But I agree if I am not struggling financially I'd do everything I can to help my children

Im sure we would all as parents like to be able to help our children and not have to charge them anything and let them enjoy their younger years but its not always possible. Wish i could help them with buying their car house etc too but we cant afford to. We do what we can where we can but refusal to help out when you know your parents are struggling is pretty disrespectful and id be annoyed. That being said as a child who was thrown out at 18, its not something i could do to mine. I have forgiven but i will never forget it.

@LemonPrism my 19yo got universal credit while he was job seeking and our household income didn't enter into it. His amount of savings would have counted (if he had any) apparently, but his Dad's income wasn't part of the calculation.
Once he got full time employment, he contributed to the household expenses.

Whoever it was that said we are legally obliged to support or kids until 21..not in the UK. We are legally obliged to support our children while they are in full time education (18) or a levels as long as you receive child benefits. Not university or if they have employment. Although family income is taken into consideration if applying for university grants/loans. The system is unclear and confusing but I work with lots of young adults who don't know about money management due to the bank of mum & dad. There is nothing wrong with asking your child to contribute once they have money of their own. If you are lucky enough to have sensible children brilliant but you'd be surprised the amount of parents I have telling me they feel cruel or I had them I must pay for them.

Whoever it was that said we are legally obliged to support or kids until 21..not in the UK.

Our DD applied for free prescriptions etc on the grounds of low income. The response was that she only qualified if her parents qualified and that her parents are responsible to pay for her dentist, optician, prescription etc. etc. She is 21.

Did you see the actual letter?

Does she receive any of the following?

Income Support
income-based Jobseeker's Allowance
income-related Employment and Support Allowance
Pension Credit Guarantee Credit
Universal Credit and meet the criteria

If she doesn't then she isn't entitled to free prescriptions.

*Does she receive any of the following?

Income Support
income-based Jobseeker's Allowance
income-related Employment and Support Allowance
Pension Credit Guarantee Credit
Universal Credit and meet the criteria*

Precisely my point... she is at university, she doesn’t receive any of those... BECAUSE her parents HAVE to support her. Even if we refused she would be entitled to no benefits. She earned roughly £1500 last year from working whilst studying. She got minimum loan due to our income regardless of whether or not we were willing to support her. We wouldn’t get ant child benefit as university courses don’t count as the “full time education” qualification for that.

I think that is tantamount to being legally obliged to support her.

N.B. we are doing so and are happy to do so. It was the dentist receptionist that said she should apply for a low income exemption certificate when I went to the dentist with her so I could pay for her checkup.