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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

21 yr old daughter doesnt want to contribute to our home financially

407 replies

worcestershiremum · 18/10/2019 22:43

my daughter totally refused to contribute to household financially,she paid a small amount last year,but just refuses and says i just want her for her ££,I paid my mum and dad from 16
any suggestions?
Im deff being taken for a mug

OP posts:

FelicisNox · 20/10/2019 21:36

The only reason she says that is because she's emotionally blackmailing you.

Present her with a list of bills she would be paying if she lived on her own and say: no... you want ME for my money. You have no respect for me or that I'm bank rolling you. You will pay me X amount starting the end of the month or you move out into a place of your own. You're selfish and immature and it's time to learn some life lessons.

I haven't read the rest of the thread but if she is not at uni and has a job she needs to pull her weight and you have to mean it.

There's no magic answer here.

Cherrysoup · 20/10/2019 21:37

Those of you saying you wouldn’t charge, you’d need to if you were struggling to pay bills and no-one can live for free. Once cb stops, possibly some parents will struggle. Why shouldn’t the dc pay if they’re earning? The dd in this scenario is earning: surely she can’t just live off mum and dad forever?

hananana · 20/10/2019 21:38

Tell her it's that or move out!
I moved out at 19, no point lazing around taking the Mick out of your parents! Be strong

Fairfatandoverfifty · 20/10/2019 21:40

It's easy to say ask her to leave, but so difficult to do that to your offspring. But I agree - no wi-fi, washing, ironing or meals. She sounds like a brattish little Princess. Oh, and make sure she reads all these replies to your post !! x

BeardyButton · 20/10/2019 21:43

Cripes. We never had much growing up, but my mum made it abundantly clear my home was my home for as long as i needed it. Even now, im secure that if i needed a safe haven, home would be there. Never would be a mention of rent or contributing. Bit different if you are struggling financially. But i really dont get the idea that grown kids need to contribute on principle.

IndieTara · 20/10/2019 21:45

I got a weekend / holiday job at 14 and while i didn't pay my parents anything I did then pay for my own clothes and school uniform.
At 18 when I started ft work I started paying keep and when I got a pay rise so did my parents.
My parents worked 4 jobs between them when I was growing up. I would never have dreamt of not contributing

nuxe1984 · 20/10/2019 21:46

Simple solution … stop doing things for her such as washing. cleaning, cooking, etc.

Just buy food for the rest of the family and tell her she has to buy her own food in future (and cook her won meals) and she is not to "steal" other people's food from the fridge or cupboards. In fact. clear a cupboard and fridge shelf that she can use (and tell her that's her space).

My two daughters did their won washing, ironing, etc from around aged 16 years. And when my eldest started work and still lived at home, I took a nominal "rent" though saved it and gave it back to her when she left home!

Devora13 · 20/10/2019 21:48

21:34Sorrynotsorry22

'If you Don't need the money and she can not pay, then she has a point.'

I think the point is to instill a sense of responsibility. I would insist on payment whether I needed it or not (if I didn't, then I'd put it away in an account for her to help her when she is ready to be more independent).

masterchef98 · 20/10/2019 21:52

Assuming she's working then if you dont charge her rent you are setting her up to fail as it would be such a big adjustment if she did want to move out. You need to sit down and work out a reasonable amount for bills, food and rent of a room. Whether you need to use that to cover your costs or it can be her savings or a combination of is up to you bit she need to be putting aside a proportion of her wage.

Tildycatpuss · 20/10/2019 21:55

My daughter is 19 she contributes £100 a month towards food. She has lots of surplus income and this gives her a taste of taking responsibility for a part of her money. I gave my mother housekeeping. I’d have been horrified to be earning and not contributing

TeacupDrama · 20/10/2019 21:57

if she is earning she can contribute to food, heating wifi etc that is what the student loan is for to enable you to live, it is slightly less if you live at home it is not nothing, they expect students to pay for food etc living at home but they are not paying for the privilege or having a space/room
ie they are paying lodging or expenses but not actually rent, rent is a charge to occupy a space it doesn't include food bills or taxes etc, very very few parents charge actual rent most that take money are taking money towards the cost of food, heating electricity etc,

when a child turns 18 a parent loses £20 a week child benefit plus maybe single person council tax rebate etc, if they are struggling on a minimum wage job they can't just afford to not charge lodgings
also any adult in the house should be doing their share of chores too it is not a hotel, people moan about men that want a 1950's wife when it comes to housework but a 2010's wife when it comes to bill paying.

some kids seem to want adult privileges without adult responsibilities it is not OK to treat your parents home as a hotel; like your mother and father are your cook cleaner chauffeur and laundry maid for free when you are earning

Pinkyyy · 20/10/2019 21:58

Hope all goes well OP.

Mummy012 · 20/10/2019 22:07

As soon as I started work after uni my parents charged me to live at home. It was way less than renting myself and it taught me that you don’t get anything for free. She’s an adult and needs to take responsibility. Things like this teach people the value of money.

supermommyof4 · 20/10/2019 22:23

My son is 21 and left home 2 years ago. Pays all his bills..he isnt one a massive wage and im sure he regrets whinging about paying 240per month..i put his rent up for consistantly taking taking libertys, leaving plates, cups, rubbish in.his room, leaving mess in my living room, i told him if he wants a cleaner he can pay for it.
At 21 they have to contribute and you must put your foot down. Go through everything that has to be paid and come up.with a reasonable payment that works for both parties.

Emz834 · 20/10/2019 22:25

What kind of relationship do you have with your daughter? If you have to come on here and ask advice from complete strangers then that's not good. We never charged our two rent.....why would we? We earned 5 times what they earned. Life is expensive enough and we rather they looked after themselves. It's their family home - to charge them for living here? That wouldn't sit well with us. They are bith respectful loving adults now. Daughter has had her own place for 5 years and did it all herself. Son is at home still and we still dont charge him a penny. Why the heck would we?? We love his company and daughters (and she lives 10 minutes away which is lovely).

TheStarOnTheChristmasTree · 20/10/2019 22:44

My DC contribute a standard 20% of their income up to a maximum of £200 per month. This started once once they left college. Their income is not just earnings but includes benefits, student income, etc. because benefits & student income are for paying living costs. I'm on a low income and I do need their contributions towards food & bills. Neither DC has had a problem with this and would offer to contribute even if the 20% rule wasn't in place. It also means that if they have no income they would pay £0 though I don't see how this could ever happen because they would get benefits if they had no other income.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 20/10/2019 22:47

@Emz834

I love the company of my dcs too, but I definitely expected a contribution towards household expenses from them once they had imported their education and were working . I didn't charge 'rent', but they were asked to pay towards those expenses that increased because they lived at home - food, gas and electric bills. They were not asked or expected to contribute towards fixed costs such as mortgage, council tax or internet, since those costs were not based on usage or number of people in the house. FWIW, both our dcs have also managed to find their own homes, despite having unreasonable, money-grabbing parents who expected them to pay their way.

LifeImplosionImminent · 20/10/2019 22:51

PP have said an important point, single parents lose their 25% council tax discount if their 18+ child is not in full time education - that's a big chunk of money especially as you lose child benefit too.

But even if you can afford it I think charging adult kids board is especially important if you know your child isn't fiscally minded.

And as a 16 YO I was really proud of being able to pay my parents something towards the bills, both my brothers made this huge ceremony of handing their first payment over (as we only paid if we had jobs). I think it's a sign of being a decent human being to want to pay your way, whether your parents need it or not.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 20/10/2019 22:59

Oh, please don't ask your DD to leave, it could ruin your relationship. You have all been through a terrible few years and have supported each other, it would be awful to ruin that now. I agree that she should contribute though. Perhaps write down all your living expenses / income etc so she can see just how much it's costing you. If she continues to refuse to pay anything then stop the food, cooking, cleaning, free wifi etc. Good luck, I hope it works out well for you both.

altiara · 20/10/2019 23:12

As she’s still at university, I’d probably not charge her unless I was struggling. I’d see the money she earns is to support herself through university. But once she finishes, then I’d definitely ask for a contribution.

grendel49 · 20/10/2019 23:15

Had similar with my ex and her daughter...she didn’t think she should have to pay more than £100 a month at age 20.
Never mind she spent £635 on a pair of trainers...

AdoraBell · 20/10/2019 23:24

I think you should sit down with her and her father. Talk about the the costs of water, electricity, food, rent and council tax.

If she still refuses to contribute then she can move out and cover all those costs. You and your DP/H need to be on the same page and stand firm. Maybe offer to help her find a flat, hopefully that will open her eyes.

Mummy232019 · 20/10/2019 23:32

I’m 21, have lived alone since 15 years old. I paid all my own bills with no assistance from my parents until June this year, my mum had a huge windfall and bought a property for me to live in to save on rent so I have some extra income to put towards raising my son and buying my own house. Having struggled for years I am eternally grateful to her for that. Your daughter should be helping you with household bills within reason.

CJsGoldfish · 20/10/2019 23:33

Every time there is a thread about this the MN mantra is always to make 'em pay

I'm thankful that I raised caring and considerate children who chose to contribute financially as soon as they were able. There is no 'make 'em pay' mentality just a shared belief that we all contribute to the household whether that is financial or otherwise.
It has been them and I for a long time and once they were able to pay towards the household they actually took pleasure in doing so to 'ease' my burden. As generous as they are, I really only take a token amount.
I think I'd feel disappointed if I had a child that had no desire to contribute.

CleansUpDragonPoo · 20/10/2019 23:38

@Oodlesandpoodles Sat 19-Oct-19 13:56:27
"I mean... you do definitely sound greedy."

Are you the 21 year old selfish daughter?

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