21 yr old daughter doesnt want to contribute to our home financially

[worcestershiremum]

my daughter totally refused to contribute to household financially,she paid a small amount last year,but just refuses and says i just want her for her ££,I paid my mum and dad from 16
any suggestions?
Im deff being taken for a mug

CB for my daughter was stopped when she reached 18 despite being in full time education!

Actually child benefit can be paid until 20 if in full time education.

Just checked.... university doesn’t count.....

I should add my 18 yo dd1 is full time student..has 2 jobs and i dont charge her because i want her to enjoy this time of her life. She is also saving hard for a car, paying for driving lessons and saving up for uni after the next 2 years on her level 3 course. Shes pretty sensible and i feel i should reward sensible thinking like saving. She is aware that once in full time work.she may need to contribute a little and help out a bit, which tbh she does now anyway.

It depends on whether you need the money, surely.

Our son has just graduated and started his first job. He offered to pay us 'rent', but we said we rather he saved his money towards a house.

@30BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou, yes i am aware this. My daughter is still in college until she is almost 20. Just started a 2 year, level 3 course.

I find this a really difficult one.
I lived at home ‘off and on’ during my late teens/early 20’s - whilst working FT and I never contributed. (Did my own food shop)

My parents, despite not having much, firmly felt ‘we chose to bring you into this world and will always provide with with a basic home’ DH’s parents had similar mind sets and that’s why now (late 20’s) DH and I are in a very good financial position and able to buy a family home with healthy deposit (we saved).

50+ years ago you could get a job straight from school (at 16) and support a family house/food/heat/basics on one FT income. That’s not the economy we live in anymore. It’s incredibly hard for young people to ever get on the property ladder and I have many friends (who do pay £300-£500pm to live at home) who will be trapped living with their parents for YEARS longer than I was!

I appreciate the ‘well she’s an adult’ and ‘if you can’t afford to support her then that’s just how it is’ arguments but I equally feel that the days of ‘You’re 18+ so you have to pay your own way’ are long gone.

DH and I are currently 16+6 and fully expect to be providing financial support to this child until approx 25 (if the economy continues as is). Between lack of jobs, lack of living wage and inflation I think 21 now is like 16 was 50 years ago!

it would help the daughter and many others is people said charge board or food and heating instead of rent
Rent implies you are paying for the privilege of living somewhere you don't generally pay for the right to live at home

what daughter should be paying as it appears there are 3 in the house OP DD and a DS that DD should be paying upto a third of food / heating / electric / broadband bills
if she is not at home much or buys some of her own food maybe 20-25% would be more reasonable than a third
she should definitely be paying 100% of her own phone costs and travel and going out entertaining etc
depending on how much OP struggles with costs she may need to pay a share of council tax water rates etc, it would be different if DD was not working or unable to work but OP implied she was earning reasonable money

Entirely depends on her circumstances. If she has a good job she can contribute, of course, but if she is struggling to get a career going I would not make that harder. I would ask yourself what she is costing you that you would not be spending anyway. Are you really going to get a lodger for her room if she moves out? Would you cancel the broadband? Give the cat away? If all she is actually costing you on top of your regular household costs is food and a bit of hot water and electricity I would either charge her a nominal sum like £25 a week or not worry about it.

I don't understand all these hard mums on mumsnet saying "I paid my own way when I was 12. so your daughter should too..." I paid my own way, but my stepsons lived with us until they were in their mid-twenties and I expect my sons will do the same. Kids do, these days. It's normal now. And personally, I have been happy to have them. It has been lovely watching them grow into adults and fly the nest when they are ready, rather than when someone says they should be ready. I think when you bring someone into the world you take care of them until they don't need you any more.

If you want to charge her rent and she can manage it while still putting something into savings, then go for it. But if you want to just provide a home for her without feeling like a mug, please just do that and don't worry about it one bit. Your home, your money, your child, your choice. No right or wrong here.

I took a third off my kids wages when they started full time employment in the early 80s. They were provided with a roof over their heads, food on the table, toiletries, TV in their room, their clothes washed. They also were able to have friends staying over at weekend. All three of them said it was a good grounding in paying their way in life.

A third????? Bloody hell!

She is at Uni part time and also works and is on a good wage

I think in this case I'd show a degree of leniency. I wouldn't want to push her into quitting her studies, provided she appears to be taking them seriously. Especially considering your DD was already dropped in the shit along with you 4 years ago by your ex.

Charging "rent" seems a bit too transactional for a family relationship for me, but I would expect a reasonable contribution to groceries and bills. I think if one person in a household (DD) has loads of disposable money while another person (you) has bugger all then that's a recipe for resentment.

Bm

you don't generally pay for the right to live at home - actually you do when you are a grown up. The DD is 21 not 16. All grown ups pay for the right to live in somewhere they call home - rent or mortgage.And DC need to learn this as soon as they start earning. They need to learn that income isn;t play money. A hige percentage of it goes in necessessities. A parent who helps them learn this is doing them a favour not a disservice.

I never wanted to pay my way at that age, as I liked holidays and going out. Seriously, ask her to leave, it will be cheaper for you and less work. The only parents I know who are a bit soft have children who are saving for a deposit to buy a house, rather than going out and buying clothes.

@supermommyof4 - I don't understand either, that's exactly why I've made a formal complaint and I'm waiting for a response - their complaints process takes '20 working days' - so here we are wasting time while my son could, and should, be learning.

"worcestershiremum Fri 18-Oct-19 22:43:15
my daughter totally refused to contribute to household financially,she paid a small amount last year,but just refuses and says i just want her for her ££,I paid my mum and dad from 16
any suggestions?
Im deff being taken for a mug"

It's the 'refuses' that bothers me. Whatever your feelings about expecting adult children to contribute financially while living at home, at least they should have the respect to discuss it with you.

Why did DD stop contributing after paying a small amount the previous year, and why won't she discuss it now? More info needed, and a rational sit-down calm discussion between parent and adult child is long overdue.

From the moment I started earning, which was 16 and on a £32.50 pw YTS, I had to pay my mother something. On this first wage it was £10 so roughly 1/3 of my wage. I went on an apprenticeship where I earned £79 pw so the amount went up, when I got made redundant from there she still took money off me as I was claiming dole money. I learned about responsibility because my mother was hard on me. I’m now a carer to my disabled partner and I hate not earning my way now, because my mother was hard on me. I’m going to have to do it with mine when she grows up but I will do it because she needs to have the skills to survive without me. I know we all want to protect our kids but you’re setting them up to fail if you don’t teach the basics of survival. I love my daughter more than I could ever imagine but there are times when you have to be the parent and teach them

Bertrand - yes a third. I was a single parent and couldn't afford to feed three kids for free, my son was a bloody eating machine. If posters don't want to take money of their children then that's their choice. I raised my children to pay their way in life and to be responsible people.

I remember my dad made me contribute by paying the poll tax as well. I was not happy as obviously he had paid the rates previously and my dh who was my fiancé at the time never had to pay any rent or contribution to his dps. You see things differently when you are young.

My dps were well off. They did give me some money for a house deposit however😊

I know we all want to protect our kids but you’re setting them up to fail if you don’t teach the basics of survival. I love my daughter more than I could ever imagine but there are times when you have to be the parent and teach them

That doesn’t mean they will fail in life if you don’t take money from them as soon as they start earning a $. My parents didn’t take anything from me before I moved out but they did instill general financial sense and budgeting skills by example and I have not failed in life in this regard. It’s not a fait accompli that they will fail if you don’t take money from them.

I won’t take money from mine while they are at uni. Their meagre earnings are pin money. After that depends. I’ll probably have a combination of high and low earners. I know they already have a plan to pool to buy property when they start professional employment and understand they won’t all be able to kick in the same amount etc. It will depend at the time whether we take money then, if genuinely nose to the ground saving then we’d be happy to keep financing as we are doing now. I don’t believe this means they would be set up for failure. In fact one would have it all spreadsheeted out accounting and planning for every cent, contingencies etc. If there appears to be frittering from then we will absolutely take board from that individual and tell them why.

Don’t agree with not giving board back or that it’s a patronising act. It would be given to us to replace the money we have spent on expenses. What we do with that money is up to us - set it on fire, buy a troop of flying monkeys or gift it as a lump sum to that individual at a time when they have their shit together.

I won’t take money from mine while they are at uni. Their meagre earnings are pin money.

@HoppingPavlova I agree with that, if it's financially possible for a family to do. Imo, while my DC are studying that is their full time job, so any money they earn from extra work is theirs. But if they came back home after uni and had jobs, I'd expect a contribution, even if I stuck it in a secret savings account and handed it back to them as a flat deposit a couple of years later.

@Moondancer73 thats awful that they have done that. Its not their fault where there birthdays fall. Essentially already 17 or almost 17 the year they start further education so they only get a year. On the government page it clearly states he should be on the course and learning as you said. Try and find out who the governing body is or contact your local council who provide the funding for education and see whether they can do anything. Id be furious!!

I know we all want to protect our kids but you’re setting them up to fail if you don’t teach the basics of survival. I love my daughter more than I could ever imagine but there are times when you have to be the parent and teach them

Whilst it is fair enough to take money of them if you need it, I don't think that you need to do that "to teach them the basics of survival". I would hope that my children would have the intelligence to know that it costs money to live and pay bills when you leave home. It's not rocket science. Even taking money off them to give back seems very patronising to me. Most people want to leave home and have independence and if you don't take money off them as rent they are probably more likely to save and leave home.

@supermommyof4 oh I'm working on it! I am absolutely fuming. He's already completed one year - and level one - of his chosen course and this. There must be a governing body but by the time they deal with my complaint he will have turned 18, or very nearly as his birthday is the end of November.

Don't make her pay. She can keep everything she earns, HOWEVER, she gets no services: no food shop, no cooking, washing, transport costs, etc. If she wants any of that done, she either does it herself, or she pays you.