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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

21 yr old daughter doesnt want to contribute to our home financially

407 replies

worcestershiremum · 18/10/2019 22:43

my daughter totally refused to contribute to household financially,she paid a small amount last year,but just refuses and says i just want her for her ££,I paid my mum and dad from 16
any suggestions?
Im deff being taken for a mug

OP posts:
manicmij · 21/10/2019 09:01

You want her for her £££s? Ask her what she wants you for then. 21 years old and doesn't accept she has to pay her way and probably a fraction of what the real cost would be. Notice to leave on the cards.

sanityisamyth · 21/10/2019 09:10

I think a donation to the running of the house is reasonable. When I was 20 I was off uni for a year on compassionate leave (was raped) and got a job 8-5 Monday to Friday. I earned just over £100 a week. I had to get there and back by train, with a 30 minute walk to/from the station. I share the same initial and surname as my mother. She told my employer (her friend) to make the cheques out to "Initial Surname" so that they could go straight into HER account. She had 100% of my wages and just gave me my train fare. She also gave me 2 shelves in the fridge for my food - I wasn't allowed to touch the rest of the food. It was a very active job and I had nothing to eat. I lost a lot of weight!!

unababy · 21/10/2019 09:14

I took money from my adult DC when she was working, even though I didn't need it, because learning to pay your way is a life lesson. However I saved it and when she did leave home I gave it all back to her with some interest. It was a much appreciated surprise.

milveycrohn · 21/10/2019 09:17

It really depends on what her financial circumstances are.
When my DC were at uni, they lived away, so I actually had to contribute to their costs.
When DS graduated at Uni, but was out of work for a while, he received JSA, but I did not take any money from him. However, I also did not give him anything extra.
Once working fulltime, I insisted on a financial contribution - considerably less than the cost of a room in a houseshare, but sufficient for them to know they were contributing.

celticprincess · 21/10/2019 09:17

You see it’s tricky with her being a student part time. When I was 21 I was still a student and my parents were expected to contribute a certain amount to my living expenses. My fees were paid as it was the late 90s. Their contribution wasn’t topped up with a grant as they earned too much. They gave me the suggested amount and I took out loans as their suggested amount didn’t really cover my living expenses away from home. In my final year I got a part time job 13 hours a week to help keep me going but I was on a full time course and was in uni or teaching practice each day. But my job did contribute to my bills. So I’m guessing living at home is the parental cost to the education and then earning from a job it would be reasonable for her to pay some. But be careful as to how much you ask from her. If she is working to earn money to get to and from uni, to buy things for uni and meet her friends as you would do living away at uni you don’t want to take it all from her. Work out a reasonable % of what she earns and not just a split of the bills.

It also sounds like you need the money to run the household and so asking her to leave would actually leave you struggling as much as her living there and not paying. Many of your fixed bills wouldn’t reduce, just the amount it costs for her to eat and clothes/personal items.

When I was 16 I got a weekend job. My pocket money stopped but I didn’t contribute any cash to the house, just expected to contribute chores etc. The purpose of working was to earn extra money so stopping my pocket money frustrated me at the time as I was working for not much more than I’d been getting each week. But I was still a few quid better off so sucked it up.

When I was 30 I moved back home for a year. My job relocated to near my mother so she allowed me to live there rent free for a year as I still owned and was trying to sell my home in the other county. I did pay my own way if we went out for food etc and bought my own toiletries etc whilst at her home. Once my house sold I immediately moved out and rented somewhere til I could get another mortgage. Now another decade later I’m a single parent with the bills I had a s a married person. I now only work part time and my mum helps me out but that’s her older not my request.

PutsFootInIt · 21/10/2019 09:33

lock up your fridge?!!! wtf would people really do these things to their children?

Would it not be better just to have an adult conversation since you are all arguing she's an adult and say 'I wish I could afford to let you live here for free but I am really struggling financially and can't afford to provide for you as well. I know not everyone has to pay their parents rent but many others do and it is still much cheaper than renting elsewhere.'

surely any adult would understand that.

Maz54 · 21/10/2019 09:41

Tell her this. My husbands parents charged him when he was in 6th form and worked in his holidays at a local garage on the pumps. They also charged him when he was at university and worked in his holidays despite the fact that he had a diminished grant because it was means tested then as it is now with student loans. They as parents were not contributing towards the shortfall in his grant either. So yes if she is earning and working full time she most certainly should be contributing to your household.

jacks11 · 21/10/2019 09:44

Unless she is studying full time and doing low paid work to top up her loan, I think she should pay digs. If she is studying and working, I don’t think she should be paying you as her loan will be calculated on living at home.

If she isn’t studying then she should be contributing. If she will not then give her an ultimatum- do so or find somewhere else.

Nearlyalmost50 · 21/10/2019 09:44

sanityisamyth that sounds horrible, controlling and abusive to take your money away, I wouldn't think that was a good way to treat a teen. Hope you did get away eventually and have a whole fridge to yourself.

RoyEastmannKodak · 21/10/2019 09:50

@Susanwendy and @Jayne35 yes completely agree. My DD pays the equivalent of £50 a week (ish.. less in fact as some months have 5 weeks obvs) and it works out at about £15 percent of her wages - which I worriedly calculated last night as these threads always make me worry that I'm freeloading off my own child. I'm a habitual over thinker and worrier ! And I'm pretty such I'm NOT a freeloader... she gets plenty for her £200 a month.. and I drive her to work at weekends even tho it means I pretty much never get a lie in but means she can get sleep later and get a later bus... and I pick her up.. and don't ask for a petrol contribution even tho it's 15 miles or so each way. I buy all her basic toiletries etc too, with the shopping.

I'm usually pretty worried by all the people who say they think it's not right for adult children to contribute financially. Fortunately that's been minimal on this thread

Tessabelle74 · 21/10/2019 09:57

@Nearlyalmost50
She's 21 not a teen!

Nearlyalmost50 · 21/10/2019 10:05

Tessabelle74 I was commenting on the other posters account of her mother taking her money and limiting her access to the fridge when she was in the first year of uni. It sounds awful.

I wouldn't limit any child or adults access to the fridge, that's weird.

RoyEastmannKodak · 21/10/2019 10:06

I also have an issue with the mass over-usage of the word "pretty" it seems and clearly shouldn't type/post at all until after my second coffee Grin

Ethicalbluey45 · 21/10/2019 10:13

this is a no brainer OP move her into the smallest bedroom in the house WIFI to be pay as you go and when you go to work just make room for the router in your bag trust me it works I had to do that I first of all asked for £20 for 6 months and i kicked her out she is now back home tail between her legs paying £200 :) now and appreciating me

woodchuck99 · 21/10/2019 10:14

If you need the money then it is reasonable to charge rent. However, for people that don't I wouldn't. Obviously it is cheaper to live at home but then you get a lower loan which takes that into account so you don't really end up with more spending money. It's good that she has a job but even then I would prefer them to save rather than giving me money.

Tessabelle74 · 21/10/2019 10:28

@Nearlyalmost50
Apologies,i need to get my specs on!

BunsyGirl · 21/10/2019 10:30

When I lived at home after graduating uni, once I was working full time I paid “board”. About £150 per month (late 90’s). However, my mum saved the money and gave me it back once I left home and got my own place. I will do exactly the same with my children.

Whattodoabout · 21/10/2019 10:32

I know my situation is far from the norm but I left home at 16, got a part time job whilst at college and fended for myself. I had little choice, grew up in an abusive home. A 21 year old can definitely provide for themselves and shouldn’t be mollycoddled.

busyhonestchildcarer · 21/10/2019 11:46

It is hard to show your daughter the door.If she works then do this ....You buy your food,she hers.You do your washing she does...launderette.No wifi code for her,no phone and .defo no tele.No lifts ,no heating,turn radiator off.Put sticky notes on these things with household cost along with a percentage that is hers.Find a cheap rental along with how much this will cost her.Dont nag but insist.Then the alternative is hers but follow through

cowshindtail · 21/10/2019 11:47

I asked the same question here last year and my 25 year old daughter now pays £200 rent a month.It has definitely improved relations between us as I am no longer feeling resentful at being taken advantage of.

woodchuck99 · 21/10/2019 12:21

It seems fair enough to ask her to move into a smaller room but comments about switching wifi and heating seem amazingly tight and unlikely to improve relations. Things would probably be better if OP is just honest about not being able to afford to have her living at home and that she needs to contribute or move out.

Notodontidae · 21/10/2019 12:45

The situation of your 21YO is not clearly given, and would indeed depend upon her having a good income, or while still at University. Most Children will eventually inherit any assets from the parents, meaning that looking after them doesn't end at 18, or indeed 21, it is a life-time committment that often fails at the point couples say "I do" Even if she did move out, the chances are she will have financial difficulties requiring you to bail her out. She should however be contributing to the family in other ways such as cooking, cleaning doing the washing, ironing, and shopping. If she is earning a wage which is not sufficient to secure rented accomodation, a peppercorn rent is not unreasonable. Enjoy her company while it lasts.

DiWoo · 21/10/2019 15:23

My mum charged my eldest brother rent when he left uni with the intention of giving it back but because he became an arrogant arse, she changed her mind. Other people may plan to financially help their DC at some point in the future but in the meantime that money is there in case something else crops up or they change their minds, they’re not necessarily simply “holding” it for them. Personally I think you should have to contribute as it does teach you that you have to pay your way, as that’s how the world works even if you can learn it in another way.
For those saying you shouldn’t kick your kids out if they refuse to pay, how are you going to resolve the situation, just let them stay and not pay?

InOtterNews · 21/10/2019 15:43

I came into say yes she should contribute but on the basis she is working full-time. However now OP has clarified she a student with a part-time job.

So assuming she's not earning mega-bucks and studying part-time - instead of paying board she should be contributing to the house in other ways (laundry, cooking etc) . However, as soon as she finishes Uni she needs to contribute financially.

supermommyof4 · 21/10/2019 16:22

Actually child benefit can be paid until 20 if in full time education.
@08Moondancer73 i dont understand that because my daughter started a 2 year course in sept and she was 18 in Oct. Aslong as she started and is enrolled before 18 then she is allowed to get the funding to finish the course.
That being said once in full time work parents lose cb and tax credits so a lot of parents will have little choice but to charge a reasonable amount. At 18 they are adults..