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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

21 yr old daughter doesnt want to contribute to our home financially

407 replies

worcestershiremum · 18/10/2019 22:43

my daughter totally refused to contribute to household financially,she paid a small amount last year,but just refuses and says i just want her for her ££,I paid my mum and dad from 16
any suggestions?
Im deff being taken for a mug

OP posts:
caringcarer · 21/10/2019 00:01

Three part plan. 1. Ask her to set up DD for x amount per month. 2. Stop buying the things she likes to eat, any toiletries for her, change internet password. stop cooking for her, stop doing any washing/ironing for her. Tell her change her ways or she moves out. 3. Change the locks.

You are not doing her any favours by allowing her to disrespect you and be a brat.

joe900 · 21/10/2019 00:28

The youth of today leave me lost for words, tell her to pack her bags and go you are not a charitable organisation.

saraclara · 21/10/2019 00:32

@joe90 she's not the youth of today. She's one person and an exception to the norm.

MorganKitten · 21/10/2019 00:51

Time for her to move out then

Oodlesandpoodles · 21/10/2019 01:56

Some utterly shameful people on here

northwales12 · 21/10/2019 04:15

i would tell them pay her or his way or they are on their own they can pay tere own bill like grow up do and dont do anything for them let them do it them selfs

transformandriseup · 21/10/2019 04:17

Tbh I didn't pay my parents a huge amount at that age, more just a token amount. I was a good saver and I'd seen a flat that I wanted to buy (with my boyfriend). After a year I had saved the deposit and I bought a similar flat. Rents are expensive where I live and I don't think I would have been able to buy anywhere if I had been renting or paying my parents several hundred a month. I would have paid more if they needed the money.

Teacher22 · 21/10/2019 05:29

My DS was, at first, very reluctant to pay his way when he got a job but we insisted and he set up a direct debit. Before my DH was made redundant we secretly saved his contributions to give back to him when he needed a house deposit. He has £ 14,000 when he needs it.

It is not good for the child to live free of charge. Maturity is impossible when real life does not intervene in spending decisions and earned money is all considered as disposable and as pocket money.

Teacher22 · 21/10/2019 05:34

An additional point is that I wrote down for my DS how much in mortgage, council tax, utilities, insurance and food and household bills it took to keep the house going for a week and he was pretty shocked. It also made him realise that £100 a week was an absolute bargain for living in a nice house in a nice area and that he would have nothing left after paying these bills if he moved out.

Tommo75 · 21/10/2019 05:47

Think she just wants you for your money. She's an adult so she should contribute.

Jack80 · 21/10/2019 06:52

If she is earning then she should contribute or move out, I was on a Youth Training Scheme when I was 16 on £70- 90 a week, I paid my mum £20, tell her or show her how expensive it would be to have to pay rent/mortgage plus Bill's. My 12 and 15 year old will be paying money when at college and have a pt job even if its a tenner to prove you cant live somewhere without paying if your receiving money.

sas1879 · 21/10/2019 07:03

My 21 year old pays £250 a month that includes her private dentist and her mini sky box. She used to moan then one day we sat her down and showed her how much we used to get for her from tax credits child benefit was £288 so we were losing money by charging her £250 we showed her all the bills and that we had worked it out that we were roughly asking for a 1/5 of the bills there's 5 of us in the house. She happily pays now as does her 17 year old brother who is on a similar wage of £1500pm. We told them we know it seems unfair but it's a fact of life you pay your way where ever you live.

CatteStreet · 21/10/2019 07:11

I agree that not only is making her pay her way the fair thing to do for yourselves, it is, in the long run, the kind and loving thing to do for her. It's a cushioned introduction to the sometimes harsh realities of life outside the family home. If you can afford to keep part of her contribution (which should, IMO, be lower than 'market rate' but not derisory - she needs to notice the ensuing reduction in her budget) back and save it up for her to have when she moves out, that would be nice, but isn't essential.

malificent7 · 21/10/2019 07:16

Is she saving for a deposit? If so i would ask for s small contributuon not the going rate.

clarehhh · 21/10/2019 07:32

Nor does mine or anyone for that matter! We would all love free heat, washing powder, water, food but that is not real life.Tell her what you spend on food , heat etc and come up with an appropriate amount.If you are too rich to need it, set it aside for when she leaves home.Too many kidults about in my opinion.

Kidlacky · 21/10/2019 07:32

Yeh, tell her fine, and pack her bag. She wil be back in 6 months and be glad to pay you .

Roselilly36 · 21/10/2019 07:48

I have two DS 18 & 16, they both pay a small amount each month, they are happy to contribute.

snoopiij · 21/10/2019 07:52

she needs to get a grip on reality at 21 I had a husband my own home and 2 kids to look after, if you don't make her pay towards running costs she will expect you to look after her when she leaves home, she sounds very selfish but I guess you brought her up that way?

Kidlacky · 21/10/2019 08:18

it a rod you make for yourself, i,m assuming you didnt teach her the value of money, JOKE! my dad gave us nothing, we didnt even bother asking, i dont think it did us great favours either. I went up the golf course and found and sold balls, from 12 onwards. If we needed money, we robbed the golf course, bit like good fellas and the Airport, its hard to say, she may end on on drugs if you dump her out on her ass , thats your worry isnt it? "in self response to my previous reply".

Kidlacky · 21/10/2019 08:21

maybe she gone to Amazons school for business studies? They live rent free and do very very well. Blame them.

Kidlacky · 21/10/2019 08:24

You should have replied "No , I dont want you all ! " lol.... i got my own problems . As you can tell i,m sure. OR another idea is " steal it from her. " I bet she nicked the odd quid out your purse.

Susanwendy · 21/10/2019 08:31

My daughter was not amused when i asked for £50 a week when she lived with us, but she did pay, she then went and got a flat, and it was only then she realised how £50 was nothing, compared to her bills etc. The only way you can make her see that life is not a free ride, is to send her off into the big wide world I'm afraid.

Tessabelle74 · 21/10/2019 08:52

When I started work at 17, I was earning £40 a week, I gave my parents £20 board and had the phone bill itemised so I had to pay for all my calls. At 18 I also had to pay my share of the poll tax, it wasn't a choice to pay, my parents made me and quite rightly so. Toughen up and tell her she pays you or she pays a landlord in her own place

Jayne35 · 21/10/2019 08:56

I'm always surprised at those who don't agree with charging rent from adult DCs. What if they don't want to leave/buy a house, should you cover the cost indefinitely?

My DD is 23 and lives at home with no intention of moving out anytime soon, she works full time and has done since she was 18, I ask her for £85 per month which is very little but there are three adults in our home all using gas, electric, internet, water etc so why should one live here for free? I won't be saving it for her either as it pays the Virgin & Netflix - both of which she benefits from.

I paid a small amount from age 16-19 before moving out, I think about £80 per month.

Cam77 · 21/10/2019 09:00

Surely it should depend on the financial circumstances of the parent/child. In most cases I think a contribution is appropriate. But if my child was actively looking for work or saving (in a responsible and realistic way) for a deposit to rent or buy somewhere I wouldn’t expect them to pay me anything just for the sake of it. Yes, the ideal is that children are financially independent as soon as they finish education, be it school or university, but in reality house prices and rents are such that it’s pretty common not to be the case.