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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cuddle my kids in bed?

231 replies

tearsofaunicorn · 18/10/2019 22:08

Recently moved in with DP: we both have 2 kids, mine are with us 90% of the time and aged 6 and 8. His are teens and stay EOW.

I've been a lone parent for the last 6 years and my DC often creep into bed in the night for comfort/early in the morning for a cuddle. They never do this for longer than 5/10 mins before returning to their own beds, it's a reassurance thing and has always been this way. It's not every might, maybe 2 or 3 times a week.

DP says this is inappropriate and wants to keep our door closed, asking the kids to knock if they want attention. I think he's being quite frankly ridiculous and giving young children comfort in this way is a part of family life.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 19/10/2019 05:58

You don’t explain if he expects you to get up once they’ve knocked on the door or if he’s ok for your dcs to get into bed.

HIBVU for not having discussed this before you moved in together. I would say middle of the night, come straight in. First thing in the morning, knock to ask to be let - in case you’re having sex for example. This is a compromise and as others have pointed out, will stand you in good stead when your dcs are teens.

Verily1 · 19/10/2019 06:18

Why did you have to uproot your dcs 100 miles from their schools friends family and all they knew?

No wonder they want comfort.

You seem to have sent them a message that dp is more important than them.

Why couldn’t he move?

Why is the tenancy only in your name?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 19/10/2019 06:23

I'm obviously In the minority here, as a regular thing i think this is odd, isn't it disturbing everyone's sleep? Why are they waking up in the night at that age?

But then I wouldn't classify an 8 year old as a "young child". I'm sure they aren't queuing up for cuddles with mummy in the day time where there are more fun things to do.

Monty27 · 19/10/2019 06:27

I guess he doesn't want to be caught in his morning glory so to speak.
Especially as DC's might regale all at school. That could open a can of worms could it not OP?
Yabvu

Wallywobbles · 19/10/2019 06:27

@PookieDo my youngest was 8 his was 5.

NoSauce · 19/10/2019 06:31

I think he has a point to some degree. Obviously this largely depends on others think too, whether he’s not trying to shut them out in other ways, that he’s kind and attentive to them etc or whether he feels as he’s not their father somewhat awkward about them climbing in to bed with him when he’s fast asleep.

Does he think it’s ok for them to enter once they’ve knocked on the door?

People saying leave and it’s a red flag are being dramatic, he’s not their dad and if he feels uncomfortable about them getting into bed then he feels uncomfortable.

I remember a thread some time ago where posters were screaming run for the hills because the OPs boyfriend wanted to have her young child in bed with them. Weird old MN.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 19/10/2019 06:33

Dont kids love a snuggle in their own bed with their teddies any more? When I was a kid I don't remember ever waking routinely at night feeling scared and needng to get in bed with my parents, I felt safe, secure and comfortable in my own bed. My son appears to be the same (he's rising 3 and regularly tells me he loves his bed and cuddly toys. He's not called to me in the night regularly since he was about 12m old I think?

All these children who don't feel safe and happy in their own beds, have they had difficult childhoods/traumatic experiences?

NoSauce · 19/10/2019 06:35

Monty27

I guess he doesn't want to be caught in his morning glory so to speak.
Especially as DC's might regale all atschool. That could open a can of worms could it not OP?
Yabvu

Absolutely, that was my first thought tbh. I know he wears clothes but it would still be very embarrassing for all concerned if this were to happen.

Wallywobbles · 19/10/2019 06:36

So if you're having sex and they just waltz in how is that a better situation. In fact how can you ever relax enough to have sex. Do you do it dressed? Knocking just gives everyone a chance to get decent.

Migrainefun · 19/10/2019 07:00

Maybe op doesn't have sex in the early hours or first thing in the morning? I know I definitely don't.
Sounds like new partner is trying to shut them out, if I got this vibe again I'd get him out.
And tell him they're not going to knock, no.

Techway · 19/10/2019 07:02

He has been in th children's life for years yet waits until you are committed to start dictating..that is the massive red flag.

Even if you resolve this I would be cautious as he hasn't been honest with you about who he actually is and his feelings...once he knows you are stuck he is now imposing rules.

If he tolerated it before then why not tolerate it now? Suspect he wants to lay down the law.

NoSauce · 19/10/2019 07:04

He has been in th children's life for years yet waits until you are committed to start dictating..that is the massive red flag

Erm no, the OP says she’s been a single parent for the past 6 years, her youngest is 6.

Bourbonbiccy · 19/10/2019 07:27

I actually think you are both being reasonable. Of course if your kids have always come to you through the night for a cuddle, this should continue. I would never allow another man try to alter the way I raise my kids.

Your new partner however also has the right to say it makes him feel uncomfortable, he has a right to live how he feels happy and comfortable.

Sadly this is just a case of you shouldn't live together. If you can't agree on such son important thing on how to raise the kids and are on different pages on what's best for them and the "house rules". Really this should have all been ironed out before you moved them 100 miles.

Tyersal · 19/10/2019 07:32

Neither of you are being unreasonable but he does have a right to privacy in his own bedroom and the fact he feels uncomfortable needs to be taken into consideration.

Would a compromise be you going to cuddle the kids in their beds or on the sofa and keeping the bedroom child free

NoSauce · 19/10/2019 07:34

How long have you been together OP? You’ve been single for 6 years and your youngest is 6, so it can’t be that long.

Nursejackie1 · 19/10/2019 07:35

Eurgh sounds like best thing you can do is get you and your kids straight back out of there now you know what a controlling prick he is. Can’t stand men like this. He’s gonna make all of your lives hell if you decide to stay.

Techway · 19/10/2019 07:40

Sorry OP, I assumed you knew him for some time before moving in together. How long did he "tolerate" dc before deciding it wasn't ok?

HenSolo · 19/10/2019 07:40

Yuck to some of the posts on this. Imagine being a child and not feeling like you can go to your mum for a morning cuddle, like you have always done, because of your mums partner.
Especially ew to the people prioritising the partners sex life over the kids

NoSauce · 19/10/2019 07:44

I think it’s pretty sensible rather than yuck. Especially with a new partner, which this appears to be here.

SheShriekedShrilly · 19/10/2019 07:45

I am a very cuddly mum, but I do keep the bedroom door shut and expect a knock for any middle of the night or early morning visits. I always say ‘come in’ but I do want some warning that a child is about to arrive, just in case! I can’t see how that’s a problem for the kids?

marcopront · 19/10/2019 07:58

@HenSolo
Yuck to some of the posts on this. Imagine being a child and not feeling like you can go to your mum for a morning cuddle, like you have always done, because of your mums partner.
Especially ew to the people prioritising the partners sex life over the kids

It is not just a morning cuddle, it says they sometimes come for a cuddle in the night. So there are three possibilities

  1. Let the kids come in when you are having sex
  2. Never have sex
  3. Have some guidance on when they can come in
Goatinthegarden · 19/10/2019 07:58

I was brought up to respect my parents privacy and boundaries, and their bedroom was their bedroom. We slept in our own beds all night. We knocked if we wanted to go in to their room....I really only remember getting into their bed if it was a special day like Mother’s Day and we’d made breakfast in bed. I never felt starved of love or affection as a result... We also had strict bedtimes so that my parents had alone time each evening. We were very well loved, but we knew they also wanted time without us. I think it’s good for children to realise they are not always the most important person in the world.

I say this as someone who doesn’t have her own children...

SimonJT · 19/10/2019 08:16

I’m personally in agreement with the partner.

My son is four, he knocks on most nights around 5am, I shout come in when no ones here, when my partner stays over I get up and we have cuddles in my sons bed.

Knocking on someones door rather than just walking in is basic manners and respect.

HenSolo · 19/10/2019 08:19

Like I said, I believe the needs of children trump some new partners sex life. Or even an old partners sex life. Go and have sex downstairs, I don’t really care.

If my kids need comfort they get it - but that’s just my style of parenting I guess. The kids will come first until they are older. So many children don’t have that and I feel a mother in an ideal world should provide it.

Listen I’m aware my style isn’t everyone’s. Opinions are like arseholes and all that.

NoSauce · 19/10/2019 08:24

Isn’t it just sensible at least to not share a bed with someone you’ve only met recently and your children? I would rather a man be hesitant to this than encouraging it.

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