To cuddle my kids in bed?

[tearsofaunicorn]

Recently moved in with DP: we both have 2 kids, mine are with us 90% of the time and aged 6 and 8. His are teens and stay EOW.

I've been a lone parent for the last 6 years and my DC often creep into bed in the night for comfort/early in the morning for a cuddle. They never do this for longer than 5/10 mins before returning to their own beds, it's a reassurance thing and has always been this way. It's not every might, maybe 2 or 3 times a week.

DP says this is inappropriate and wants to keep our door closed, asking the kids to knock if they want attention. I think he's being quite frankly ridiculous and giving young children comfort in this way is a part of family life.

Who is BU?

I don't think he's being unreasonable.

He's entitled to at least one room in the house for private space, and it makes sense to be the bedroom. So there's no reason why the kids can't knock.

He's also probably worried about accusations of inappropriateness. I doubt he feels comfortable with morning glory and a bed full of someone else's kids. Imagine if the kids went to school and said we get in bed with mummy's new bf and he has erections or some such comments. He's perfectly within his rights to want to protect himself from that.

You live together so his needs/wants etc must be discussed and taken into consideration AS WELL AS EVERYONE ELSE'S. And a compromise found.

Either keep the kids on the outside of the bed with you in the middle or get up and have cuddles in their beds, as others have suggested imo.

I think your DP is reasonable in wanting some privacy from children that aren't his. I also think you are reasonable in wanting your children to be able to get in bed with you.

What isn't reasonable is your DP knowing that this is what happened in your household, not discussing it with you while you were still in the process of deciding whether or not to live together, and then thinking he has the right to dictate that this should no longer happen.

This is a big red flag for me, as it indicates that he thinks what he wants to happen now trumps what you want to happen, and that he does not need to discuss such issues with you while you still have chance to make another decision (such as not live together). This is rather manipulative. He could have raised this before you lived together in a "When we live together I'd rather the children no longer came into the bedroom in the morning. How do you feel about that?" kind of way. You might then have decided it was too soon to live together. He chose not to - knowing that if he did you might choose not live with them, and believing that once you lived with him he could just tell you what was going to happen. Big red flag.

OP can't you just have a gro clock to set a time when the children can come in in the morning? Eg 7am is reasonable to come in for a cuddle & story etc.

I am sure others will disagree but I don't believe a 6 & 8 year old need to be routinely getting in their mothers bed in the middle of the night. They should be asleep and should feel safe and secure in their own beds. If they don't, I would work on why not first, rather than letting the whole family have poor disturbed sleep for years.

I completely agree with the OP. Children sometimes wake up from bad dreams and need a bit of reassurance and a cuddle in bed in the morning, especially on a weekend is lovely chilled out family time. I suppose I can understand that’s not for everyone - some people just want to sleep and be left alone so would think it’s annoying. But innapropriate?? How so?

Maybe it would have been better for the OP to get the children settled in their new home/school etc before moving her new boyfriend in.

Perhaps he is worried about any potential aligations. It only takes a child to say they have cuddies in bed with new step dad and alarm bells go off.

Perhaps he is just trying to protect himself? Ask him why he thinks it's inappropriate.

Wow at people telling op to leave their partner just because he asked her to have the kids knock before they come into the bedroom. Apparently differences of opinion in parenting is not allowed. How do some of you guys function IRL relationships? It seems like if the bloke puts one foot wrong, then thats him out the door. It's not realistic whatsoever!

He IBVVVU!!!

Ok so I’m 26, married, pregnant, good career, successfully adulting (if I say so myself) and my mum is honestly one of my best friends - I choose her company - because she’s awesome- and I often take her advice as she’s a valued member of our family (DH loves her too)!

I will STILL go and get in with my mum for a ten minute cuddle if I’m ever staying at her house 😂😂 (my dad snores so badly he’s had his own room since I was a toddler 😂😂) - especially recently (being pregnant and nervous ..etc I’ve really felt reassured by a 10 minute cuddle!! There’s NOTHING wrong with them!

My 20yo brother still likes a cuddle too (although he wont get in bed with mum obvs 😷) but he’ll frequently have a quick sofa hug if he’s feeling down or stressed! He does the same with my dad!

I wouldn’t swap our family relationship for anything - I’ve recently had HG and honestly that ‘mum cuddle’ has significantly helped my MH when DH has been out working 14 hour shifts (hospital Dr).

These bonds are built when children are young and can NEVER be replaced later on. Please don’t let your DP ruin this for you 🤔

If he isn’t comfortable with them getting in with you then scoop them up and go snuggle in their bed!

One day when your 60+ and your babies are having their own babies you’ll be the one getting invites to Sunday lunch and family days out - you’ll be the one ‘included’ and ‘involved’ as you want to be and you won’t give AF what your DP thought 20 years ago 😂

I don’t think his being unreasonable, it’s hard being a step and not something you can ever understand until your in that position. You go from having your space to having none, you have to be very careful about things coming across inappropriate or allegations because child can make up stuff when they get jealous.
My partner stopped his 5yr old from jumping into bed when I moved in, I myself wouldn’t of really cared but he did, he jumps into his son bed to comfort him instead now. I was lucky to be blessed with a great little boy but it has been so hard to adjust to living with a child who isn’t mine.

Nothing wrong with wanting a cuddle off your mum but when it’s in the same bed as her new boyfriend that could be regarded as inappropriate. Not to mention the fact he isn’t comfortable with it.

@40HenSolo
I agree.
Imagine being a child and going for a cuddle with mummy but she's in bed with a man.
A man it would seem that isn't acquainted with you.
How confused would you feel about that as a child OP?
It can't be comfortable for anyone else except you

A but of compromise on both sides may be needed here. It could be he feels uncomfortable in bed with the kids in there.

Agree with BlogersBlog 100%.

@DisneyMadeMeDoIt your post made me tear up that is lovely. Hope I have that relationship with my boy and girl when they are adults (they are just 5 and 2 now so lots more cuddles to build up!!) I say keep cuddling.

Complex. Ds's very occasionally come in for a cuddle.

But they are older. Yours are young.

This is totally different though because it's step children. And the bed is a place for you and dp to have privacy and a sexual relationship.

I'm just not quite sure what the answer is here!

I think it's trickier than a lot of posters have recognised - of course kids should be able to have a cuddle with their mum whenever they need it, but equally, of course a grown man might feel uncomfortable sharing a bed with children who are not his own.

Beds are important and meaningful, aren't they? Privacy, relaxation, intimacy, sex, affection, rest - for the bloke, all of those things are being disrupted and he isn't comfortable. The feeling of having no space to retreat to must be a challenge.

The absolute and automatic assumption that in a conflict of genuine needs, the man is being VVVVU to have an opinion/needs of his own seems quite problematic.

That's not to say that I don't think the kids' needs should come first, but I don't think the OP can just dismiss her partner's feelings as if they are ridiculous, as some posters have suggested.

You have different views on this. Both are acceptable but they don’t gel together

You need to figure out if there is a compromise to be had otherwise I am not sure it’s workable for the two of you

I wouldn’t want kids who aren’t mine in my bed tbh, that would make me very uncomfortable.

My own children have to knock before they come in our room, that is just decent manners, I had to knock before I went in my parents room.

You probably should have discussed this before moving in together.

My DSCs were similar ages to OPs DCs when I moved in with my now DH. They used to come into our bed for a cuddle in the mornings for a couple of years. Then the cuddles stopped as they got older.

I only remember being a bit surprised at first that they were happy to jump in bed in the morning with me there, but it was to have a drink and a book and clearly part of their routine. I just used to grab a nightie and everyone was happy. I miss those cuddles now. Especially as I’m the wicked step mother who they want nothing to do with - they are late teens and twenties now. And everything that has gone wrong in their lives is ALL MY FAULT!

Anyway back to OPs thread. Things were very straightforward and without anything being ‘dictated’ or ‘rules laid down’, the rest of the time they knocked before coming into our room. Just as I always did before going into their rooms. On the rare occasion any of them woke in the night, their DF went to them and settled them in their own beds.

Making a big issue of your DPs needs will set you and your DCs apart from him and it will lead to ‘us’ and ‘him’. His needs are just as important as everyone else’s. Please don’t overrule them or ignore his concerns. Try to find the middle ground. It’ll be better in the long run.

Like I said, I believe the needs of children trump some new partners sex life. Or even an old partners sex life. Go and have sex downstairs, I don’t really care.

I am intrigued how having sex downstairs helps.

Scenario 1
Child wakes up in the night, goes to Mummy's room the door is closed so he knocks, Mummy comes out and goes to his bed and gives him a cuddle.

Scenario 2
Child wakes up in the night goes to Mummy's room. She isn't there he panics then he goes downstairs and finds her having sex

Do you think scenario 2 is better?

I would suggest a compromise.
If you are having sex the door is closed and the kids know to knock,
In the morning you open the door and they can just come in..

All needs are valid and all should be respected.

Child’s needs to be cuddled. Mums needs to provide cuddles.

New partners also totally fine needs to have privacy in the bedroom and not have kids in bed he doesn’t parent wanting to cuddle.

So go into their room and cuddle them and stop giving your partner a hard time!

he is not their dad !
Of course he’s uncomfortable. Go cuddle in their rooms.

When my father remarried after my mother died, a new knocking rule was instituted. That didn’t make me hate stepmum or means he hated me, it meant there were now private spaces. It wasn’t trauma.

Compromise. Why would you move in with someone and expect to have it all your way

I’m astounded at the amount of posters who would be perfectly fine with their children sharing a bed with a man she’s known 5 minutes.

It’s pretty shocking.

I am intrigued how having sex downstairs helps.

What I meant was dps sex life is not more important than the children. It’s not up to me to figure out how they do it, but if your kids come in to your room at night and you don’t mind, as op doesn’t, then it is up to you and your partner to figure out how and when you have sex. On the rare occasions my dp and I can be arsed to do it, we lock the upstairs stair gate, stick the monitor on and do it on the couch. If one of the kids get up in that time we hear them and go to them, but again we time it so it’s a time they are unlikely to get up. See what I mean now?
Not very sexy I know, but ops partner chose to be in a relationship with someone with kids and that’s the life.

Oh and if the ops dp doesn’t like it, he can fuck off to the couch