What to do with a wayward son at school

[deepflatflyer]

DS2 is nearly 13 / Year 8. He's very up and down / emotional / feisty / stroppy. Always been a bit like this but probably worse due to puberty. Disappointing behaviour at school but hard to know what's causing it (if anything). Can be good in some lessons, and downright disruptive and disrespectful in others. Seems to decide there are teachers / subjects he doesn't like and so makes little effort and can be rude/disruptive. Like this in primary school too but more noticeable now. Doesn't appear to be SO bad that he's ALWAYS in trouble, and it's annoying low-level disruption rather than fighting etc, but apparently he's overall one of the worst in his year (to put into perspective it's a school with very high levels of conduct/expectations and generally not too many problems of behaviour so he does stand out). Of course I talk to him at home every time there's an issue. I'm generally strict about screen time, homework, bedtimes etc. And I do withhold treats when he's in disgrace. I've had numerous discussions with his form teacher and head of year, both of whom are very nice, and I assure them that I fully support their attitude towards discipline and any action they decide to take.

I was a bit caught off guard earlier today at work to get an absolutely ranting English teacher on the phone. She'd clearly just come out of the lesson and was very upset and called me immediately. She had every reason to be cross as his behaviour had clearly been very much out of order. But I was at a loss as to what to say. Usually misdemeanours are dealt with by writing a note in his planner and being issued with a detention. She knows he's under the eye of his Head of Year (with my full support) so I think it might have been more appropriate to have logged things officially with him (which she will no doubt do as well). I just wasn't prepared for the rant. I didn't know what to say, as what could I say? When I pointed out that, although I entirely sympathise and support any actions she wanted to take (he's going to be excluded from her lessons), there wasn't a lot I could actually do myself other than remind him he' s out of order, especially not at that moment, she said 'well, can't you take his phone or playstation away'. I'm not sure it's her place to give me parenting tips, just as I wouldn't give her teaching tips. And, in any case, he doesn't have a phone, and he only uses the PS4 sparingly at weekends. Seemed a strange thing to say. Maybe I said a strange thing. What was she wanting me to say??

I tear my hair out with this child. I do my best. Clearly he's a problem. I worry about him. What more can I do? He's very bright so, actually, he'll probably do ok academically anyway, although he'll fall short of his potential. And he'll wind up many of his teachers in the meantime. And alienate the other kids (he does have mates, but he's generally not very popular and probably seen as a bit of an idiot). He needs to learn to just shut up and put up with the teachers/lessons he doesn't like as he'll face the same in the rest of life. Do I just turn a blind eye and leave him to get on with it?

Need to hear from some other parents of disruptive kids.

It can't be all my fault as my DS1 is an angel at school. Teachers joke that they can't possibly be related ....

He must have been a dreadful sod this morning. Poor woman.

He'll be excluded soon. Then you'll have to stay home and look after him.

Cheers. Nice comment. I realised as soon as I posted this that I was probably risking my neck. But always hoping someone might be going through the same and can advise/sympathise.

I have no advice in regards to deal with teens as I’m not there yet and everything you have said would be exactly what I would be doing. You are supporting and working together with the school. I hope this is a phase that passes soon OP

@DriftingLeaves

why would you even waste your time with a comment like that.

Sorry, part of my post didn't show!!

The teacher was out of order to call you in a rant. very unprofessional indeed. I would speak to the head of year calmly about this and point out that you have been as supportive and helpful as you can be and things like that are not helpful to anyone and it could ruin you relationship with the school.

Don’t blame the teacher. She must be at the end of her tether. The “what do you want me to do” attitude is telling. He is YOUR son. Do something. What privileges does he have? Remove them. And again, don’t blame the teacher.

I mean this in the most supportive way. Op reading your post you want the teachers to take responsibility but when they call you you throw your hands up and ask what you can do. You need to take responsibility too. He is only 13. You sound a bit resigned and don’t think there is much you can do. Why no? You are the parent and should be very active in getting his behaviour sorted. Don’t let it drag on until they exclude him or his self esteem really dips further. He is a child who is obviously seriously struggling. He is a bit young for you to be sounding as if you are giving up on him and handing him to the teachers, what does his dad think and do?

I think perhaps you could have said you'll give him a talking to after school explaining why his behaviour is unacceptable and try to think of appropriate sanctions. I'm sure that would have sounded better than "there's not much I can do". I appreciate that she caught you off guard but perhaps have that (or something similar) reversed for the future

(I work in a school and really appreciate when parents are on board to tackle difficult behaviour, which you are, and I also have a difficult DS myself, although different type of difficult)

Or you can what I did. Get a roll of black bin bags. Tell him that if there’s another incident at school they’ll be filed with his things- all of them. Make sure you change the password on the WiFi and remove/ code lock any tv services you have.
I’ve done this (only had to implement step one! )
Take charge! Be free!

He's very bright so, actually, he'll probably do ok academically anyway, although he'll fall short of his potential. And he'll wind up many of his teachers in the meantime.

You do sound pretty complacent about this, although that may just come from running out of ideas on what to do. But thinking ‘oh well, he’ll just annoy his teachers in the meantime’ like it’s an inevitable thing and not a big deal is a bit shit really - it’s not about annoying teachers it’s about causing disruption that will also inevitably affect other children’s learning too, and that’s pretty selfish. You’re the parent - it’s your responsibility to take this in hand and support the school. I would see if you can have a constructive meeting with them and ask if there’s any support/advise they can give you on how to move forward.

Kids act up, they have loads going on in their lives, if every teacher was to call every parent of a child that gave them a hard time that day then they would never get any teaching done!!
The child is clearly on a behaviour monitoring program and the teacher should follow this.

I’ll get bashed for this but this is what teachers have signed up for. Not abuse not violence but dealing with young adults who are all different and deal with things in their own way, some of them are disruptive in the process. OP has already said he’s night violent just annoying.

Should OP have left work and gone down to the school to call him a naughty boy?! The teacher is trained to deal with this, it’s their job.

Oh in any discussion regarding school always take the side of the teacher and let them know you’re taking drastic steps to reinforce behaviour,

why would you even waste your time with a comment like that.

Because I've been that teacher in despair at the fecklessness of a pupil and his parents' inability to deal with him.

He will be excluded eventually. But meanwhile he makes other people's lives a misery.

Is there an external disciplined hobby you could get him into: sailing or the cadets or something similar? Something where you truly cannot fuck around and he will gain a lot from it.

You need to help him build a positive identity for himself. Something he can focus on and be really proud of.

My Ds has Adhd so reasons behind but some of behaviours however that doesn’t excuse his behaviour .

I find he is definitely more of a carrot than a stick boy. So my Ds’s report for one subject in particular so he got reward for improvement on his report . He also received x box time on a weekday for merits in core subjects.

My son went through a similar thing and we found that it was linked to him eating certain foods. As a family we adopted a much healthier way of eating and his behaviour, whilst not perfect, certainly improved. he used to say that he didn't know why he did what he did he just felt angry all the time at everyone and everything.

I have no idea whether it WAS some form of food intolerance or whether having the possibility that something else was 'to blame' made a difference to him but wondered if it might help your son? We found that not all the usual culprits (ie fast food, chocolate, fizzy drinks etc) caused the problem. He would be fine with Pepsi but not Coke, he was fine with Sprite but not 7 up, Ok with orange juice but not blackcurrant - those sort of subtle differences made it really hard to pinpoint one additive or preservative or ingredient which affected him.

Who keeps saying 'he'll get excluded eventually'?!
It's damned near impossible these days because it makes the school look bad to Ofsted. He could probably burn the place down and still get away with a few detentions!
Not that I'm suggesting he'd do anything of the sort, Op!

I’ll get bashed for this but this is what teachers have signed up for. Not abuse not violence but dealing with young adults who are all different and deal with things in their own way, some of them are disruptive in the process. OP has already said he’s night violent just annoying.

I would agree behaviour management is part of a teacher’s job - but supporting a school with this and taking steps to encourage a child in behaving better for the bennifit of themselves and their peers is part of a parent’s job too surely? It’s no use saying ‘well that’s how it is’ when actually parents do need to step up sometimes, especially when other children’s education is being disrupted by an ‘annoying’ (i.e. selfish, attention seeking and entitled) individual.

There was a boy like that in my maths class at school and he ended up training as a teacher!

But anyway, I think you've said it yourself, you weren't expecting it. Because really the teacher wanted to convey exactly how difficult and exasperating his behaviour was in her lesson. Hindsight is 20:20 but agreeing it was unacceptable and you're in regular contact with HOY and want to work with the school to tackle it, would have maybe gone a bit better then saying you can't do anything but remind him of behaviour expectations.

Which are the subjects he's being disruptive in? Any that he's never disruptive in? How are things between DS1 &2? Could it be a combination of things, his age and general personality, insecure over DS1 being the Golden one, actually struggling but trying to hide it, into a pattern of being disruptive and feels that's now his thing.

Teachers need to be in contact with home for the good of everyone. Wouldn’t you rather know your son behaved badly? Rather than saying I agree what can I do? Maybe do take his PS4 away! You’re doing him no favours by not supporting the school
Or move him to a school with lower standards.

I think @DriftingLeaves comment is bang on, it isn't fair to the teacher or other students that their lesson is disrupted by the one boy who can't be behave.
Behaviour manage your son to ensure he shows his teachers some respect.

I went through similar though my son was not disruptive or violent (you haven't said yours is violent), he was bone idle and skived off all the time, didn't hand in assignments and suchlike. I'd have teachers ringing me up too, they felt he wasn't fulfilling his potential and wouldn't if his attitude didn't change.

At 15 or so I could see he was depressed (I recognised that), so I put no pressure on him at all. I even said that he could change schools or home school himself with out help, and still see his friends who used to come to ours after school. He appreciated that but he stayed at the school. ( I have to say he did sometimes feel a bit used at school, it was always him who was called upon for out of hours duties such as recording the chamber choir and sorting out IT problems.)

He's now a world class musician, also writes computer programmes, makes documentaries and various things to do with music. Eccentric in many ways but I don't mind that :-).

When your boy comes home, find out exactly what he did or said that wound the teacher up so much.

Your son may be much more advanced intellectually ( I did say 'may be', it is possible), than you realise and school work is boring for him. He still has to knuckle down a bit, especially in subjects that he is less keen on. When he's older he'll appreciate how so many subjects are linked and be glad to at least know something about them.

What does he do for interests? Is his dad supportive?

This is interesting to me, deepflatflyer. I didn't mean to go on about my son (who is 40 next week), but you did ask if any parents here had had similar problems/experiences. This thread is about you and yours though.

Sorry ...I can see that you are stressed but I’m all honesty I think you need to take a long hard look at your attitude to this.
You sound defeatist and defensive and your comments re supporting the school are quite frankly platitudes and wrong .
YOU as the parent should be owning this problem and not making excuses for him ( he only has his PlayStation for a short time - really ? It should be gone permanently until he behaves )

Instead of complaining about the poor English teacher you should be vowing to make sure your son repents and apologises .

Trust me you are letting him down if you don’t come down on him like a ton of bricks ... he’s not popular and seen as a pain and it’s a shame you have allowed him to get to that place . Help him out of the hole he is in by owning this parenting problem.

I’ve been exactly where you are .. and we never let up for a moment .. removed everything good from him (and I mean everything- until we got him to a good place - I mean season ticket for his football club , expensive school trip to New York was given to another person FOC etc - really big stuff )
Now in his 30s he says it was the best thing that ever happened to him ..

It was never easy but we owed it to him to set him right ... out responsibility ultimately- the school supported us in OUR responsibilities ... not the other way round that you think it should be ...

Good luck .. it is hard but you need to stand up and be counted ...

I cannot actually believe your reaction to the teacher calling ... you should be furious at him .. not annoyed at her ...

He's very bright so, actually, he'll probably do ok academically anyway, although he'll fall short of his potential.

He won't. He will be excluded and accessing part time alternative provision or a PRU.

You seem to be making excuses?

I would contact the HOY and talk to them about the teacher's phone call. To be honest if you are involved and supporting the schools attempts to deal with your son's behaviour - then there is nothing else you could do. Except for talk to him about it after school, although you also need to listen to him.
Is the teacher new to the school? Maybe she doesn't have the experience or understand the correct procedures yet.

I would want to know if there is any underlying SEN. And if your son truly is the "worst" in his year, and you are supporting the school I might well push for some kind of assessment.
I would guess the worst in any school year group would have: an SEN/SN or disinterested parents or a disruptive homelife/background.