What to do with a wayward son at school

[deepflatflyer]

DS2 is nearly 13 / Year 8. He's very up and down / emotional / feisty / stroppy. Always been a bit like this but probably worse due to puberty. Disappointing behaviour at school but hard to know what's causing it (if anything). Can be good in some lessons, and downright disruptive and disrespectful in others. Seems to decide there are teachers / subjects he doesn't like and so makes little effort and can be rude/disruptive. Like this in primary school too but more noticeable now. Doesn't appear to be SO bad that he's ALWAYS in trouble, and it's annoying low-level disruption rather than fighting etc, but apparently he's overall one of the worst in his year (to put into perspective it's a school with very high levels of conduct/expectations and generally not too many problems of behaviour so he does stand out). Of course I talk to him at home every time there's an issue. I'm generally strict about screen time, homework, bedtimes etc. And I do withhold treats when he's in disgrace. I've had numerous discussions with his form teacher and head of year, both of whom are very nice, and I assure them that I fully support their attitude towards discipline and any action they decide to take.

I was a bit caught off guard earlier today at work to get an absolutely ranting English teacher on the phone. She'd clearly just come out of the lesson and was very upset and called me immediately. She had every reason to be cross as his behaviour had clearly been very much out of order. But I was at a loss as to what to say. Usually misdemeanours are dealt with by writing a note in his planner and being issued with a detention. She knows he's under the eye of his Head of Year (with my full support) so I think it might have been more appropriate to have logged things officially with him (which she will no doubt do as well). I just wasn't prepared for the rant. I didn't know what to say, as what could I say? When I pointed out that, although I entirely sympathise and support any actions she wanted to take (he's going to be excluded from her lessons), there wasn't a lot I could actually do myself other than remind him he' s out of order, especially not at that moment, she said 'well, can't you take his phone or playstation away'. I'm not sure it's her place to give me parenting tips, just as I wouldn't give her teaching tips. And, in any case, he doesn't have a phone, and he only uses the PS4 sparingly at weekends. Seemed a strange thing to say. Maybe I said a strange thing. What was she wanting me to say??

I tear my hair out with this child. I do my best. Clearly he's a problem. I worry about him. What more can I do? He's very bright so, actually, he'll probably do ok academically anyway, although he'll fall short of his potential. And he'll wind up many of his teachers in the meantime. And alienate the other kids (he does have mates, but he's generally not very popular and probably seen as a bit of an idiot). He needs to learn to just shut up and put up with the teachers/lessons he doesn't like as he'll face the same in the rest of life. Do I just turn a blind eye and leave him to get on with it?

Need to hear from some other parents of disruptive kids.

It can't be all my fault as my DS1 is an angel at school. Teachers joke that they can't possibly be related ....

Wow your son sounds exactly like my nephew who is now living with me. He too is smart but disruptive, mouthy, never knows when to give it a rest, he then became destructive at home can be very manipulative . Mum and dad separated, mum too busy at work. Now he's doing an alternative education course. Shame as he is bright. Personally I stand for no bollox from him, he earns his privileges. I set out exactly what I expect of him with no margin for errors. He attends education, he keeps his trap shut, no backchat not idiotic behaviour then he gets his privileges.
He's keeping his nose clean now as he's just realised I'm his last chance.
He does have help from chams and new beggings. I feel there is some underlying asds but that aside he's smart enough to understand his behaviour is bang out of order.
Op I think you might need outside intervention before he is permanently excluded from education.
I do know one thing though if one my children were in his or Yr sons class I would be pissed that he is messing with their education

I googled this after a sleepless night after problems with my son and I could have written your post myself. Some of the parents with the best intentions don't know what having a wayward child does to you. We are professional people doing our very best for our 2 kids, we are present for our son, we are not softies and we are not OTT, we have tried other schools to get him on track (too much change I hear you say). In fairness I would have thought what alot of these parents have suggested, about 5 years ago. My son has ADHD and is on meds and usually there should be a reason why kids don't fit the kind of mould of their family and I think although this is his reason, being a teenager has had more of an impact if it's possible to separate the 2. Thanks to the parents who have given you hope with tales of eventual success this is what we need to hear. I have heard that as long as we keep doing the right thing as parents, eventually it comes right even though I don't feel that way right now but I think that's all we can do. I have had numerous emotional phone calls in the past from exasperated teachers in the middle of the day. I've even been relieved that he can't get into trouble while we're in lockdown and then he's only got a year left. I can't offer answers but the message that you are most definitely not alone and you sound like you are doing OK to me and that he'll come through fingers crossed!

It’s all very well saying you support the teachers approach to disciplining him at school. You are his parent, you should be teaching him right and wrong. Where are his consequences? If his behaviour is escalating, what are you doing about it? You say he’s the worst in the year group yet you say it with such complacency. He is your responsibility. Sorry if I sound harsh but this is what you sign up for as a parent. The buck stops with you.