To be upset MiL treats my DC differently?

[DianneWhatcock]

My MIL looks after my SIL's children every day so SIL can work (I might add SILs partner - and dc father - doesn't even work!)

I occasionally ask her if I'm stuck for example in the holidays I might ask for a day here and there. But I always get the impression it's a big ask as she's already got so much on her plate with SILS dc

Tbh that part doesn't really bother me, but what pisses me off is she also takes SILs dc on holiday. While SIL has a nice child free break with her dp. They've been twice this year. whereas mine never even get asked.

I'm just saddened by it and also H never says anything to her about it.

Aibu?

My MIL blatantly favours my SIL kids - evening dropping an afternoon she was caring for my son to look after my niece (it was two afternoons a week!) plus she couldn’t help with school collections for my son when he started school so he went to afterschool club BUT she couldn’t bear the thought of my nieces going to school club so she collects them....from the same school!!

The reason she treats the other grandkids differently is because she has a different vastly relationship with them With a useless father she has become more of a parent to them. She is a primary caretaker. So it would be natural to take them when she can get away. Plus they are little and she isn’t going to spend much more bringing them along. Expecting her to also invite three more or somehow take twice the holidays or deprive everyone of holidays is quite unreasonable. Life isn’t fair but it sounds like you have a better overall situation than her dependent grandchildren. Surely you can’t expect her to double the cost of her holidays just to avoid favoritism? If you could be a little more objective and not be jealous your kids might not feel slighted. Ask her to take them for a night now and then so she can know them better and you get a break. Beyond that I think is unreasonable. You should find ways to support this woman who has been looking after young children for decades. She probably needs the holidays more than anyone and it would be no holiday for her with five children along.

Mrsbadcrumble123 that sounds terrible. I don’t think this grandmother is doing anything like that. She has taken on parenting the other grandkids because she thinks she must. Holidays are part of that and easy for her. She Probably is not aware anyone feels bad about it.

I feel sorry for your MIL. She raised her granddaughter.She is now raising her great grandchildren and you are batching to your parents about how disgraceful she is. All of your examples are based on childminding and how she doesn't help enough. Poor woman must be wrecked.

I’m afraid this is the way some people are.If your children notice let them know that yes, grandma treats them differently from the other gcs and let it be a bit of a life lesson..life’s not fair.I don’t think you will change her....just don’t let her know it bothers you.

I say the above because similar happened to me , my dc are all grown up now ....and although I like my mil , visit very often ,listen to her ..I OWE her nothing.She chose to favour SIL ...so it’s her turn to return the favour to MIL , which in fairness she does...I just haven’t got that ‘bond’ ...nor the responsibility!

If they don’t want a relationship with your children, distance yourself. When they realize they have fucked their relationship then oh well that’s life.

Or you can talk to her about it? Say hey is there a reason why you hang out with them more than my children? Maybe your kids are a handful.
Mine are and my parents can’t watch them both at the same time but will take one each at a time

My mom spends equal time with the kids though if I am around. I am her daughter and my sister in law doesn’t really allow her to watch them much. Same age gap as my children though (which is 3 years closer than my moms child spacing) so maybe my mom couldn’t handle hers at this age either (hers are years older than mine now) so now she doesn’t ask.
Communication is key

Well there could be another explanation, the first one being they look after SIL children more often, and feel that going away with them will be fine, they may even have more in common, like visiting castles, fishing, zoo's etc. Also two is easier to manage than three. or maybe your DC can be a right pain, and make the holiday stressful. Or as No sauce said, discuss the situation with her, before jumping to conclusions. You can be fair to all the children, but treating them all the same is not always possible. Age, temperament, behaviour, likes and dislikes all play a part in treating them differently.

Jessy .... my mum treats all 20 something the same but still has favourites I.e the ones she sees the most and the best behaved.... she also said that she feels a stronger bond with her daughters children as she was there for the births..... but she would never be so obvious as poor o.ps mil and goes out of her way to be fair in treatment of them

You would, your daughters children are like your own, your sons children are another woman’s children, it’s just different.

How horrible. And we wonder why so many women have trouble with their MILs, if their MILs have attitudes like this and seem to think they’re justifiable.

No grandmother I know thinks like you do. Thank god. How incredibly shallow and sexist.

My own mother clearly adores all her grandkids. She doesn’t see children as belonging to their mother more than their father, because she’s not a sexist arsehole. She’s just as excited about her fifth grandchild, born today to my brother and his wife, as she was about her first, mine.

YNBU to be hurt but you really need to let it go. Focus on the positives. Help your children accept that they have a different relationship to their grandma compared to your cousins. You need to style it out. Let go of the resentment. That will have a negative effect on your children. Focus on your own little family. Be happy within yourself and forget about what other people do or don’t do. You can’t change other people or how they feel about you or your children.

I feel for you OP. My PILs live overseas, but spend 4 months on average with my SIL’s family. They haven’t seen our son since he was 2 weeks old (he’s now 5) and have no interest to. When they’ve spent 3 months at SILs house I offered to drive the 8 hours over there, pay for a couple of nights hotel and take them for a meal. We were told they were not on holiday and refused. My DP and DS were gutted. Some people are just shit.

It sounds like she feels responsible for your SIL's children in a way that she doesn't for yours because your SIL has never really become independent (possibly having also gotten pregnant at a young age?) and her partner is useless. She sounds like a good person who is trying to make sure her children and grandchildren are taken care of. If your DH is a capable grownup, and you are too, she probably doesn't feel you need her as much as the daughter. It's a compliment to you and your DH that she knows your children are being given everything they need.

I think this is a teachable moment for your children, where you ca help them understand that your SIL has struggled and their grandma is trying to help her.

@JassyRadlett

When my 1st DS was born 4 years ago, My MIL was very upset that he connected with me straight away. She also randomly told me that it will be very different when her Dd has children because then its her baby having babies. I never told my DH this, he would be so heartbroken. FIL does not think like this at all and is besotted with both my DS.

@ToftyAC

Wow that is so horrible. They couldnt even spare a few hours to meet their DGS that they've never met!! Your DS is probably better off but i can imagine his sadness. What about your own parents? Does he get to see them?

@DianneWhatcock

Maybe your MIL takes them on holiday so she can do the childcare while there too? So its not really a holiday for her is it? Or maybe she does it so SIL will get some help while on holiday. Also, where is your BIL in all of this?

When my 1st DS was born 4 years ago, My MIL was very upset that he connected with me straight away. She also randomly told me that it will be very different when her Dd has children because then its her baby having babies. I never told my DH this, he would be so heartbroken. FIL does not think like this at all and is besotted with both my DS.

That’s so horrible, what an awful thing to say to you! I’m so sorry.

@pepsicherrymax
Sadly my parents are both dead and our DS misses his granddad terribly (my mum died long before DS was born) so it’s doubly upsetting. Me & DP have decided to just write his parents off now. They send a cheque for DS’s birthday & Xmas so that has to be enough. They didn’t even wish him good luck on his first day of school, whereas the rest of my family sent him a Moonpig card to wish him well - the little chap was made up.

@JassyRadlett

Thank you but it is what it is. We see them maybe once a month now, she just does my head in and then theres a horrible atmosphere between my DH and I.

On the otherhand, its so nice to read abt your DM, she sounds wonderful! Also congrats to your family

@ToftyAC

Aaaawww God bless him. So sorry to hear about your parents and how upset your DS is

But its very nice to see your family being very supportive. Its horrible when both sides are unnecessarily mean

On the otherhand, its so nice to read abt your DM, she sounds wonderful! Also congrats to your family

Thank you! I think my mum is pretty ace (and her relationship with her DILs is also great) - maybe because she wouldn’t tolerate friends who treated their DILs or sons like shit then I’m in a bit of a bubble. But it’s good to know it’s not inevitable.

I have exactly the same with my mil and my h says nothing. After I lost my mum a few years ago she stepped up for a little bit but then went back to normal! I have just excepted it because it will eat away at you and it really is not worth it!

@Womaninwonderland

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum and also that you and your H have this from your mil as well

I do now have an update for anyone who's interested. My H spoke to mil. basically the bottom line is her excuse is that her partner pays for the holidays it's nothing to do with her. So it just sounds like her partner doesn't want to pay for my kids but happy to pay for SILs . It sounds like she doesn't give a shit and / or / just goes along with it

I'm done with it all honestly don't know what else to say. just thank god my 3 have other people in their life that love and care for them 😢.

@PepsiMaxCherry

Yes I wonder too if that is part of it (to continue doing the childcare) the fact is though SIL has her mum (who also doesn't work), her dad (who does work but could probably still help a little), her partner, her partners mum, and other relatives and friends.

@DianneWhatcock

So SIL has all these other family members in her life but so much of the childcare is left on your MILs shoulders?