To be upset MiL treats my DC differently?

[DianneWhatcock]

My MIL looks after my SIL's children every day so SIL can work (I might add SILs partner - and dc father - doesn't even work!)

I occasionally ask her if I'm stuck for example in the holidays I might ask for a day here and there. But I always get the impression it's a big ask as she's already got so much on her plate with SILS dc

Tbh that part doesn't really bother me, but what pisses me off is she also takes SILs dc on holiday. While SIL has a nice child free break with her dp. They've been twice this year. whereas mine never even get asked.

I'm just saddened by it and also H never says anything to her about it.

Aibu?

[Nanny0gg]

Why aren't you complaining that your parents don't give you a break?

[OneForMeToo]

Regardless of the reason why she does it, it sucks and it hurts for the children involved. My sils kids are always with mil, she provides regular childcare they go on holidays together and day trips when asking for mine for childcare once a year is hassle or she offers really random things like going for a walk for an hour but we must drop them off, while the cousins go to beach or wherever. The result is my children dislike the cousins as they blame the cousins for being pushed aside as everything was fine until they arrived and now mine are back of the line. Mine also get punished, told off for not wanting to be near cousins hilariously yet none of those who have pushed mine out seem to be able to link the two things together.

I see it ultimately as their loss, my eldest only visits now if forced, you can see the hurt on mils face when he rejects the rare offer but she’s only got herself to blame.

[mrsm43s]

Hang on! You have your own parents who help, plus you have an involved exMIL who treats all your children as grandchildren. Sounds like you are surrounded by love and help.

Yes you are bitching about your MIL treating to a holiday the children of her grandchild, who was abandoned by her parents and is now married to a useless lump who doesn't step up to earn, nor step up to look after his own children.

It sounds like you are in a much, much better position than your SIL. I would think that your MIL is desperately trying to level the playing field somewhat. Can you not see that your children, with their two involved parents, their involved grandparents and involved ex MIL are already so much more advantaged than these other children, who seem to have no one but SIL and MIL.

You sound petty and jealous.

[Witchinaditch]

Why does MIl have the kids if the other parent doesn’t work? That’s madness!!!

[Parky04]

We had this with my mum. I called her out on it. She denied that she treated my DC differently and had a massive strop. I then asked her to count the number of photos in her house of my DC compared to my sisters (none of our DC!) She returned and apologised. For the last 15 years she has shown no favouritism at all.

[ambereeree]

Agree with @mrsm43s
Try and see this from your mils point of view. Her granddaughter doesn't have the best family set up so she is over compensating. I suspect your DH knows this too.

[AllFourOfThem]

I think you need to make more of an effort for your children to spend time with her so she has the same bond with them. If she sees SIL’s children more, and is overcompensating for her start to life, then it’s natural she will bond more with them.

[LagunaBubbles]

SIL is actually MIL's granddaughter who was raised by her as a daughter, then there likely is a special bond and she will be the favorite

Why would you think a daughter automatically be favourite over a son?


She’s the first gc who had a horrible start to life and a substitute daughter too. I think it’s natural your mil to care more about her and her kids. Similarly your mum probably cares more about your wellbeing (and your kids) than your db/sil


You seriously think it's "natural" a Mother would favour her daughter over a son? There's nothing natural about that, that's completely fucked up.

[bigheadbunny]

I agree with the other posters in that I understand why she is making so much effort with your sil's children however this shouldn't be at the expense of her other grandchildren.
If she can have sil's children that often then I don't see why she can't offer to have your children over occasionally. Even alongside their cousins.

[Molly2017]

OP I can sympathise. My MiL treats her grandchildren differently. To the point where my PiL will drive twice a week to ‘watch’ their teenage granddaughter after school but have only ever had my DD once (when I went into labour) and even that time they grumbled that I couldn’t be specific about the date.
They give that grandchild pocket money every week, mine don’t get anything. They have her overnight at the weekend, I’d guess twice a month. We never get the offer.
We’ve challenged MiL about it and she says our circumstances are different and the other grandchild is in greater need. By this she is referring to the fact that SiL is a single parent and we remain a couple. But the father sees them regularly, pays support etc.
My children are starting to notice they don’t get invited to these ‘sleepovers’ at grandparents house and it’s only a matter of time before they start to see other differences (they are currently both under 6).
I’m actually slowing reducing contact as a result. I don’t want the inequality shoved in their face all the time and I honestly can’t explain it to them other then PiL favour that child.

[OrangeSlices998]

My DB & I were the less favoured grandchildren (no idea why), and we knew it, my Dad called my GM out on it and we stopped making all the effort.

I think it's good if your DH talks to her about it.

I would also raise the question of why your parents can't support you & DH to have a weekend away somewhere, babysit for the weekend? If you feel like you need more support, ask for it!

[NoSauce]

I’d take a wild guess here that MIL sees the OPs parents helping out and that she feels that she doesn’t have to, especially given the circumstances with her own GD and how much support she needs.

OP do your parents take your dc away on holiday?

[merrygoround51]

This is utterly horrible. Do women really think like this - they care more about their adult daughters and their adult daughters’ kids than their sons and their sons’ kids?

Yes Jassy I think this is almost always the case and is driven by a stronger bond with DD children rather then DS children.

You only have to look at the MIL posts here to see how difficult the relationship is and I hate the whole thing of DIL looking for their pound of flesh. If the MIL was interefering they would be complaining about that too,

OP - if your MIL has committed yo looking after your SIL DC then it is a big ask for her to also look after your DC

[PinkCrayon]

Yanbu op.
I can't stand grandparent's who play favourites. It's a really shitty thing to do.

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

@bigheadbunny the woman has raised 3 generations. She has done her time. OP has a support system that SIL doesn't have.

Doesn't sound like MiL has ever had an opportunity to liver her life. This is supposed to be a time when she can do what she likes and pop in and out and have fun with her descendants.
But people still want more from her.

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

Be careful how your husband words it. You can't go in demanding she provides your children with holidays! Even if she does bring the others.

She is obviously closer to your SIL and that is why she has a better bond with her children. She sees SIL as needing more help than you do.

Do you NEED extra help or do you just want extra help to make it even?

[Littleheart5]

Can completely understand your MIL’s position and can’t understand your groaning. Her (adopted) daughter has/had an awful start and she is trying to do her beat by her when her own mother failed her. Same with Molly, no matter the financials being a single parent is hard work and makes sense parents kick in. If any of my siblings marriages fail I certainly wouldn’t begrudge any extra time or finances from my parents going their way

[extrasugarplease]

How often does Mil see your children? Do they have a good bond?

I don't know OP, your post sounds petty. Your Sil seems to be in a crap situation; with absent parents and a useless partner. Mil taking her children on holiday might be one of the good few things that she has going on for herself.

I couldn't get worked up about this, especially if I already had good support network.

[Applesanbananas]

you sound absolutely nasty.

this poor woman has stepped up and raised a child that wasnt hers and now shes continuing to raise her kids too probably because she can see how they are in another unfortunate situation.

Instead of sitting there bitching about how unfair it is, think about what you're actually saying. And no your first two children should not expect more from her as they have their own gps.

I really feel for this woman who has given up her life raising all these children and then people like you still want more.

[extrasugarplease]

I agree with @thecatsthecats about your children probably picking up your jealousy and sense of unfairness

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

It was difficult to understand your post with all the children but how many children are in your family... I don't understand why your exes stepchildren are being mentioned in this thread at all!!!

Do you expect her to provide holidays for all of them? Or do you think on access time with you (Although I can't see how you'd ever have access with your exes stepchildren ) that you and your husband should be allowed free time with your mil looking after everyone?

Family help is great when offered or provided. But should never be expected.

[Notonthestairs]

What do you do for your MIL? Sunday lunch cooked for her? Birthday dinner? Ever taken her for a coffee and asked how she was?

Because from what you've written so far it's about what you can take.

How old are your children? Would you like her to just take your children with DH away or all of your children?

[Ragwort]

You sound petty and jealous, if my DS had a baby at 16 I would be very disappointed,, your MIL has done a wonderful thing in raising her grandchild, she must be horrified at her own DS (where is he now in all of this?) and yes, she probably does want to make amends.

Your DH will make a fool of himself if he speaks to her about this. Your poor MIL, everyone making demands of her.

Life isn’t fair, not everyone can be treated ‘equally’, it’s a lesson we all need to learn.

[mcmen05]

Some of your kids are not her bio gc so of course she will treat them differently.
But I do understand how you feel my own parents favourited kids and grandkids it's not a nice feeling.

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

OK, I reread it and your talking about your exmil .

You simply cannot compare families. Every setup is unique and dependant on the people involved.

I think if you need help, ask. If you don't appreciate that you are in a better position than most.

My children have NEVER been on a foreign holiday, with me or anyone else. Their cousin's have... And their cousin's have even been away with my parents. It doesn't bother me, so it doesn't bother my kids.

Kids pick up their attitudes and reactions mainly from their parents.