To be upset MiL treats my DC differently?

[DianneWhatcock]

My MIL looks after my SIL's children every day so SIL can work (I might add SILs partner - and dc father - doesn't even work!)

I occasionally ask her if I'm stuck for example in the holidays I might ask for a day here and there. But I always get the impression it's a big ask as she's already got so much on her plate with SILS dc

Tbh that part doesn't really bother me, but what pisses me off is she also takes SILs dc on holiday. While SIL has a nice child free break with her dp. They've been twice this year. whereas mine never even get asked.

I'm just saddened by it and also H never says anything to her about it.

Aibu?

[midnightmisssuki]

Wait so you’ve got your parents already helping but you want more help or something? I’m confused. Or is it that you want the free holiday that she gives your SILs kids?

[mrsm43s]

I honestly think that the best thing that OP could do, if she is family minded, is recognise how much MIL has stepped up to help the family, and step up herself to help her out more. Perhaps offer to watch the other GC sometimes so MIL doesn't have to, or invite them on days out with your children etc - relieve some of the burden on MIL. But instead, she's looking at MIL, who is already doing so much, and bleating "unfair!" because she's not providing care for another 5(?) children, some of whom are not even related to her, and who already have good stable lives, with loving parents surrounded by people who care about them.

In honestly OP, would you swap the whole of your life with SIL if you had the chance? Not just this aspect, the whole package. If you wouldn't, then quit being jealous.

[diddl]

"Why does MIl have the kids if the other parent doesn’t work?"

That's pretty hard to understand, isn't it?

It does sound unfair about the holidays, but if it hasn't occurred to her to do it, would you want her to do it after being told about it?

[RushianDisney]

I think you are being pretty spiteful to your MIL. She is now raising her third generation of DC, because of the parents poor situations. There is only so much of a person to go around, when would she have time for herself if caring for two sets of DC on a permanent and ad hoc basis? The other GC have a presumably young mum who didn't have the best start herself and a dad that doesn't work or look after them. You and your DH are presumably both much older, are in a much more stable position and have another set of loving, involved grandparents. Cut your MIL some slack for gods sake, and appreciate that sometimes being treated fairly will not be perfectly equal, SIL and the other GC need more help and need a stable person in their life why begrudge them that and heap scorn on a woman who is presumably trying her best to help others.

[Fundays12]

This is a very similar situation to what happens if my dh family. It’s horrible especially when MIL then compares the other grandkids negatively to her great grandchild. As in her eyes no other child is as wonderful, clever, beautiful etc which is disgusting as the kids are all amazing in there own way. We tried to encourage the relationship but MIL isn’t interested.

Everybody else is not as important as her grand daughter or great granddaughter particularly my husband and our kids. She has never taken my nearly 3 year old anywhere and on the rare occasion she babysit brings this child with her who is do used to her one to one attention she doesn’t get to spend quality time with my kids. It’s got to the point me and dh would rather pay our very trusted childminder to look after our kids on the odd occasion I need care for my kids (youngest is just 3 months) than ask MIL as we don’t want them growing up thinking comparing and favouring kids is normal behaviour.

However look on the plus side my kids have far closer bond with me and dh as they don’t spend most of there life with a grandparent (or great grandparent). My kids will grow up remembering the time they spent with us, the memories we made with them not the time granny had them yet again. They also are much more sociable and each have large group of friends as they are always with other kids rather than sitting with a grandparent and no other kids. Yes it is not a nice situation and it’s actually horrible to know a grandparent or parent loves or favours another child more but ultimately the bond you have with your kids is what matters not the one your MIL has. It’s her loss and your gain.

[yesteaandawineplease]

yanbu to be upset op. although I do think it's unreasonable to be upset with her without talking to her about it first. sounds like she may be unaware or has justified it to herself as there are extenuating circumstances. hopefully your dh will speak to her.

my dh won't talk to my mil about how much she favours one sibling and their children. to the extent they virtually live at the in laws house. they're there everyday; all day in the holidays and after school until near bedtime in term time. the in laws feed and clothe the gc and pay for an expensive hobbie. they virtually never see the other gc in the family. i find it quite upsetting sometimes but since dh won't raise it, well, what can you do. I think there must be mental health issues at play with some or all involved. can be the only explaination.

[mrsm43s]

"Why does MIl have the kids if the other parent doesn’t work?"

I would presume that she is stepping up because their parent is failing them. I'm sure she would very much prefer that their father stepped up and acted like a parent. But he isn't, so MIL is stepping up and filling the gap. The result of her not doing so would presumably be that SIL would have no support whatsoever, and not be able to work.

[diddl]

"I would presume that she is stepping up because their parent is failing them"

Well yes, I suppose you wonder how the situation came about.

And to then take the kids on holiday so that they can have time alone??!!

They should be sending her off for a rest!

[DisappointingBanana]

Bizarre thread. Of course YANBU to be hurt or upset that the grandchildren are not being treated equally.

The SIL was taken on as a baby and brought up by the MIL: it’s an unusual start in life, but posters here are convinced her life was “difficult”, although she’d suffered years of abuse or something. And it’s the SILs choice to stick with a useless lump of a partner.

I don’t see any reason or excuse to favour any grandchildren over others.

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

I don’t see any reason or excuse to favour any grandchildren over others.

Because life, people, personalities, circumstances etc are all variable. My mother has 14 grandchildren. She doesn't have the same relationship with each child. She doesn't treat each child exactly the same. (I don't treat my own children exactly the same..!! Different people have different needs at different times). My sister lived with my mother when her 2 children were small. This obviously meant my mother fyd a huge amount for my sister and was much closer to her children. However this also meant they my mother took on a parenting role with those children and would correct them and discipline them a lot quicker than she would mine. She knows them better, but she respects me more as a parent!

Families can never ever be a one size fits all. There are far too many variables.

[GettingABitDesperateNow]

I think it's normal to be upset about this actually. As she is not helping your SiL she is actually enabling her husband! Assuming no disabilities or health issues, then he could look after the kids surely. Unless he is abusive and your MiL feels like he has to save them? The holiday thing is a bit odd too. Wonder what she will say when your husband asks her

[DianneWhatcock]

@DisappointingBanana

Thank you. Yes some posters have assumed all sorts

I'm out and about so can't fully reply but a few people deffo have the wrong end of the stick and have filled in gaps and made stuff up that isn't correct

[DisappointingBanana]

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

Yes, I don’t treat all my children the same either. But I wasn’t advocating that. What I said, in fact (and what you quoted!), was there’s no excuse to FAVOUR any grandchild over another. This applies even if you help out with one of your children’s families more than the other; that’s not favouring, that’s helping as required.

Treating some GC to a free holiday and not others I can’t comprehend.

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

I think the OP is speculating as to the reasons for that. She says it's so SIL and the useless partner can have alone time. Has the mil says that is why she takes them??

I said my parents have brought, and paid for my nephews on numerous holidays abroad. They haven't brought mine. I've never, until I read this thread, thought my children were entitled to this just because their cousins are brought. I know the reasons and circumstances why they are/were brought, and they don't apply to my children.

I would never expect, or even ask my parents to bring my children and pay for them. If my mother suggested it and she has recently, I would only let them go if I paid for them or contributed a decent amount to the holiday. My parents are retired. I don't expect anything from them. I'm very grateful for what I get, but I don't go asking just because someone else got something.

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

Presumably with two old parents OPs children will receive holidays from them.

What if SILs children's only hope for a holiday is through MIL?

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

And she also has her exmil who she says treats all the kids the same...

[Freddiefox]

I can't grasp worrying about 'fairness' when someone's life circumstances are so undesirably different from my own.

This ^

And do you need help op? You have your parents and a dp.
Sil have a lazy lump and your mil.

You mil is one person, she’s not a machine and she can’t everything, so ask yourself do you really need the help or you just want it because it ‘fair’

[Freddiefox]

A poster asked if my parents help, yes they do. They know about how MiL is and think it's disgraceful

Wow, really it’s no for your parents to judge, and they are only judging on the info you give them, which will be one sided. I wonder how yours and sil lives differ in other aspects

[DianneWhatcock]

Wow I honestly can't believe how many people actually seem to think it's ok to treat children so blatantly differently

Mumsnet is crazy sometimes 🤦‍♀️

Thanks for all the replies though it's always good to get a balanced view 😬

[JassyRadlett]

Yes Jassy I think this is almost always the case and is driven by a stronger bond with DD children rather then DS children.

Thank god that’s not the case in my immediate circle, where it isn’t ‘almost always’ the case or even vaguely normal. What narrow, shallow lives those women must lead if the strength of their bond with their children is influenced by the child’s gender. I feel almost - almost - sorry for them.

You only have to look at the MIL posts here to see how difficult the relationship is and I hate the whole thing of DIL looking for their pound of flesh.

That post was actually making me wonder how much of the MIL complaints are driven by the MIL treating her male kids as lesser and less loved, which would understandably put the back up of a woman angered by seeing the man she loves downgraded by his own mum.

If wanting your husband to be equally loved and valued by his parents as his female siblings is ‘looking for a pound of flesh’ then I don’t blame them. How awful to treat boys and men as second-class.

[SandyY2K]

You're actually comparing grandchildren, with great grandchildren.

Your MIL may have raised her, but she's not her child...it's her son's child..and she probably feels sorry for her. Bad start and a waste of space of a partner.

[DianneWhatcock]

And trust me, SIL hasn't had any kind of hard life so don't worry about her she's absolutely fine 😂😂

Also someone asked if my children get taken away by my ex PiL and my own parents. No they don't as they can't afford to. And they also can't provide much childcare as they all still work full time. And I would not ask or expect it either because I'm not an entitled piss taker, it was my choice to have my DC so dh and I sort their childcare between us ourselves and have paid for childminders / nursery when necessary

It would be really nice to have a break though. So yeah I'm jealous of the fact SIL gets plenty of child free time I'm only human after all.

And it sucks when MiL talks about the holiday in front of my 3 dc then later they all ask why granny takes their cousins away and not them. Honestly did not know how to reply to that one !!

[NoSauce]

.And they also can't provide much childcare as they all still work full time. And I would not ask or expect it either because I'm not an entitled piss taker, it was my choice to have my DC so dh and I sort their childcare between us ourselves and have paid for childminders / nursery when necessary

Right, but you expect your MIL to help out because she has her other GC?

Someone up thread asked what do you do for her?

[JassyRadlett]

Is treating your grandchildren reasonably equitably a transaction with the children’s parents?

How grim.

[DianneWhatcock]

@NoSauce we do plenty for her.

As I've said it is not the childcare, it's the very unequal treatment of them re holidays

I just think it's shit. When I was a kid if my grandparents had taken my cousins away and not me I'd have felt awful.

Clearly I'm pretty much a lone voice in this though so I'm not keeping going round in circles 🙂