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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset MiL treats my DC differently?

184 replies

DianneWhatcock · 17/10/2019 11:26

My MIL looks after my SIL's children every day so SIL can work (I might add SILs partner - and dc father - doesn't even work!)

I occasionally ask her if I'm stuck for example in the holidays I might ask for a day here and there. But I always get the impression it's a big ask as she's already got so much on her plate with SILS dc

Tbh that part doesn't really bother me, but what pisses me off is she also takes SILs dc on holiday. While SIL has a nice child free break with her dp. They've been twice this year. whereas mine never even get asked.

I'm just saddened by it and also H never says anything to her about it.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
DianneWhatcock · 17/10/2019 20:58

I just think it's shit to treat grandkids so differently

I think some posters do know this they're just being disingenuous / bitchy / both

Thanks again to the lovely posters who understand and who have been great x

And also sorry to hear others have been in similar situations

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 17/10/2019 21:01

But life is different. It's unfair that your children have two functioning parents. Unfairness happens.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 17/10/2019 21:04

Why did you ask were you being unreasonable if you are disregarding everyone who says you are being a bit?

NoSauce · 17/10/2019 21:05

OP sorry if you have missed it but I’ve asked you a couple of times why do you think she’s not taking them on holiday?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 17/10/2019 21:07

And you've avoided answering....if you and your husband want time away, why not ask your mother or exmil to take them all for a night? If 3 of them are too much for one, then you could split them.

DisappointingBanana · 17/10/2019 21:08

Golly, there are some delightful MILs/GMs in the making on this thread.Confused

Drogosnextwife · 17/10/2019 21:15

Why did you ask were you being unreasonable if you are disregarding everyone who says you are being a bit?

Because the OP only wants all the lovely posters to tell her how right she is. No other info on why the childrens father doesn't look after them, or why he doesn't work and the sil does. There must be a reason your dp hasn't brought this up with his DM before or hasn't wanted to?

Original poster
DianneWhatcock · 17/10/2019 21:19

@NoSauce

I don't know ! Why do you keep asking me this?

OP posts:
NoSauce · 17/10/2019 21:24

Because you must have a theory or actually know why?

There is a reason why she doesn’t take them.

Drogosnextwife · 17/10/2019 21:26

Yes I suspect there are many things the OP has purposely left out of this story.

lyingwanker · 17/10/2019 21:32

I totally, 100% get you OP.

I have been the non favoured cousins in this situation and I'll never forget it. Everyone was aware at the time and it made all of us cousins feel awkward as we got a bit older. Me and my brother felt left out and awkward and 2nd best. And it was our dads that were the siblings so not a sacred mother daughter thing like previous posters have suggested.

Now my children are the non favoured ones to my DH's mum. Because of this I make very little effort now because I will not have my children feel 2nd best. She goes on about how she treats all the grandchildren the same, she really doesn't. And it's not about childcare or holidays or gifts, to me it's about time, effort and interest. When we're there she constantly refers to the cousins, oh let's ring cousin and see what she's doing, oh cousin loves dolls too, cousin can do that activity so well, cousin can sing so beautifully, etc etc. It makes me feel as though my children aren't enough to hold her interest just even whilst we visit. I have made plans with her before that get cancelled the day before because cousins are coming instead and stuff like that.

lyingwanker · 17/10/2019 21:34

And to add...it's DH and his brother children not sisters. They also live in the same village so it's not like a visit from them only happens once every month.

Original poster
DianneWhatcock · 17/10/2019 21:37

@lyingwanker

That's awful i am sorry 😢

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 17/10/2019 21:46

Dianne, why are you depending on your mil to give you and your husband time together? There are two other grandmothers, why not ask one of them? You have said they're very good to all your children.

Original poster
DianneWhatcock · 17/10/2019 21:53

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre I have explained this upthread Smile

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 17/10/2019 22:09

Why doesn’t SIL’s DP work? And why doesn’t he look after the DC?

Is she a) in an abusive relationship with a feckless cocklodger or b) he’s ill/unfit in some way or c) something else?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 17/10/2019 22:12

I've read back and couldn't find it. You mention them not being able to afford to take them away on holiday, and you mention them working full-time so not being able to provide childcare, and you mention not asking them anyway because you're not a pisstaker but you don't mention anywhere about asking for a one off night so you and your husband can get away for a night. You mention work being your only time away.

Why don't you ask your parents or your son's grandparents to mind your kids for 1 night so that you and your husband can get a break?

Original poster
DianneWhatcock · 17/10/2019 22:15

Because he's a lazy dick head @NoSquirrels there's no excuse for it whatsoever

OP posts:
Original poster
DianneWhatcock · 17/10/2019 22:17

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

Oh I thought you meant holidays. they'd have them for a night not a problem. I don't like asking though, not that they mind, it's me, I feel cheeky

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 17/10/2019 22:23

Because he's a lazy dick head NoSquirrels there's no excuse for it whatsoever

Oh dear! Yeah, frustrating.

Like I say, my MIL has this dynamic with her DD and those GC and tgars because he was also a lazy dickhead, and emotionally abusive, and basically sucked the life out if her. My MIL stick around and papered over the cracks until her DD finally ended it, and since then has been even more in a parental role. She knows it’s not right, but she did what she thought was for the best - she worried if she didn’t he’d isolate her from her DD (and he tried).

So frustrating, but I would guess the feckless father of the DC has more blame on him than your MIL who is probably compensating so the kids aren’t affected.

Try to take it as a compliment that she doesn’t think your DC need her as much.

FWIW, they’d all agree (kids a bit bigger now), that a purely grandparent-child relationship would be easier and more enjoyable for all of them. Careful what you wish for!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 17/10/2019 22:27

If he's a lazydickhead then that is going to affect every aspect of their lives, not just the childcare situation. You said earlier that SIL had a great life, no fear of a tough life etc. You simply don't know that. You are not privy to the intimate details of her life and relationship. People looking at me think I have a charmed life, I'm sure. I'm a sociable happy person. Have good friends, a lovely home, happy children and a good marriage. What people don't see is that my husband is a heavy drinker who has behaved appallingly in the past. But nobody sees that because I put on the mask that is needed when out and about.

You have a good husband (I assume). You have good support from your own parents and your ex's. I'd say you have a lot more going for you than your SIL. Where are her own parents in all this? Don't be too quick to be envious of what you perceive others to have. It's not always the case.

NoSauce · 17/10/2019 22:55

This is a strange thread, there seems to be a lot of info missing.

What sort of relationship do you have with MIL? Do you get on with her? Is she a kind and caring GM to your DC? Does she love them?

Is the fact that she doesn’t take them away on holiday her only downfall?

I guess with these tales there’s information missed out to suit the OP. These threads are never black and white. Nobody can say that one person is in the wrong and the other not, because only the OP and her MIL are privy to the whole story.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 17/10/2019 23:11

I wouldn't treat any of my gc differently or step gc. Actually I have step gc more often as he is older

My dad's mum favoured some of my cousins more than others

Actual it was her 2 daughter's children that she favoured. I don't have daughter's but can't imagine treating any children they had different than my son's children

Toomuchtrouble4me · 18/10/2019 17:52

Yes YABU
Grandmas are always closer to their own daughters children, that’s just the way it is.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 18/10/2019 17:53

Actual it was her 2 daughter's children that she favoured. I don't have daughter's but can't imagine treating any children they had different than my son's children

You would, your daughters children are like your own, your sons children are another woman’s children, it’s just different.

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