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AIBU?

To be upset MiL treats my DC differently?

184 replies

DianneWhatcock · 17/10/2019 11:26

My MIL looks after my SIL's children every day so SIL can work (I might add SILs partner - and dc father - doesn't even work!)

I occasionally ask her if I'm stuck for example in the holidays I might ask for a day here and there. But I always get the impression it's a big ask as she's already got so much on her plate with SILS dc

Tbh that part doesn't really bother me, but what pisses me off is she also takes SILs dc on holiday. While SIL has a nice child free break with her dp. They've been twice this year. whereas mine never even get asked.

I'm just saddened by it and also H never says anything to her about it.

Aibu?

OP posts:

Report

DianneWhatcock · 17/10/2019 18:26

@JassyRadlett agreed

OP posts:

GPatz · 17/10/2019 18:33

Best thing to do is just ignore it OP. Your DC will figure out that their GM has favourites and will start to lose interest in her themselves. Your parents can become their favourites. Problem solved.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/10/2019 18:41

I do not for 1 minute believe that women care more about their adult daughters and her children than they do about their sons, but the dynamics of the relationship are very very different. Even when women get on with their MIL it is naturally their own Mum they turn to for advice, help and comfort first. For some reason it seems easier for men to adapt to their wives family and ways than the other way around regardless of how lovely the mans parents are. Almost every couple I know that live a reasonable distance from both parents spend more time with the wives parents than the husbands.

NoSauce · 17/10/2019 18:50

I agree with you about the holidays OP as I said earlier, how old are all the children here?

NailsNeedDoing · 17/10/2019 19:06

But if she took your children on holiday then she'd either have to take a child that wasn't her grandchild, or treat siblings differently. She probably realises that it wouldn't be on to take her grandchildren away while excluding their half sibling, and it's understandable if she doesn't want to be responsible for a child she's not related to for a length of time that makes a holiday, so she hasn't got much choice.

You are very lucky to have an ex mil that I said able to genuinely love children's that aren't hers as her own grandchildren, but that makes her especially lovely, it's not something that can be expected of everybody. It's not fair for you to expect your mil to treat a child that isn't her grandchild as if they were with something as big as going on holiday. Equal value Christmas presents is reasonable to expect, holidays aren't.

DianneWhatcock · 17/10/2019 19:11

@nosauce

My dc are 13, 10, and 5

SIL dc are 6 and 4

OP posts:

DianneWhatcock · 17/10/2019 19:13

@Nailsneeddoing

wow so maybe its because my eldest isn't her BIO grandchild then that my children are second class citizens

oh it makes absolutely PERFECT sense now I should have thought

OP posts:

Contraceptionismyfriend · 17/10/2019 19:17

That's exactly it. You can 'blend' families all you like. But don't expect others to feel for kids that aren't theirs the same as their actual family.

choli · 17/10/2019 19:17

Would your 13. yr old really want to go on holidays with an unrelated 6 and 4 year old? It would have been my idea of hell at that age.

NailsNeedDoing · 17/10/2019 19:18

To put it bluntly, yes, maybe.

It could be any of the things that others have suggested, but it could easily be that she doesn't want to provide a holiday for a grandchild that isn't really her grandchild and already has two sets of other grandparents. I don't think that makes her a bad person, people can't force themselves to feel love for children when it doesn't come naturally because of biological ties.

NailsNeedDoing · 17/10/2019 19:21

Or it could be that she feels three children would be too much for her, but two is manageable. Both physically and financially. That would be understandable as well.

It doesn't mean she sees any of your children as second class citizens.

DisappointingBanana · 17/10/2019 19:22

MN (in general!) usually cant wait to criticise a MIL, so this thread is a total and perplexing swing in the other direction. So many PPs assuming that the SIL needs more help and the difference in treatment is down to what’s needed. Grandparents are human; sometimes they’re just dicks.
My MiL only had our children as GC. She likes boys so decided she’d make no secret of favouring our son. She was awful to and uninterested in his closest sister, who was bright and well behaved. Her brother (DHs uncle) was visiting once, noticed and tore a strip off her.

She then wanted to pay for DS to go to private school and make decisions about him. We told her to fuck off (but not in as many words!)

Again, doing more and differently for some DC is justified where it’s needed; showing blatant favouritism is not.

I also don’t believe Mothers prefer their daughters... what a load of crap.

Applesanbananas · 17/10/2019 19:25

Well given that shes raising these children and more likely thinks of them as her children rather than gc. on that note then to her she is probably taking her children on holiday. Presumably she isnt loaded then how is it possible to take all. Never mind taking 5 DC away. are you crazy?

DianneWhatcock · 17/10/2019 19:27

@choli they are my son's cousins. Blood relatives or not, he loves them. I am with you that He may not want to go on holiday with them though as he is a 13 year old boy and may find the very idea deeply uncool :D however it would be nice for him to be asked.

OP posts:

DianneWhatcock · 17/10/2019 19:28

Again, doing more and differently for some DC is justified where it’s needed; showing blatant favouritism is not.

@DisappointingBanana

Yes this exactly

OP posts:

NailsNeedDoing · 17/10/2019 19:32

So do you feel that if she doesn't want to pay for and be responsible for all three of your children, considering that she isn't related to one of them, then she and the other gc should stop having holidays so they all miss out?

That seems a bit harsh.

NoSauce · 17/10/2019 19:35

I don’t know why she’s not invited them OP. It’s hard to say not knowing you all. Do you think it could be because she doesn’t want to invite your eldest so doesn’t want to leave her out by inviting the younger two?

Are there any behaviour issues with any of them?

What do you think the reason is?

NoSquirrels · 17/10/2019 19:41

How old are your DC? How old are SIL’s DC? How many DC do you have and how many does SIL have? That makes a difference.

It does suck, but if someone is committed to regular childcare for one lot of grandchildren- particularly if it’s a single parent set-up - then fitting in ‘extra’ babysitting for other GC is really difficult. It doesn’t make the feelings less valid, though.

What does MIL say about it if asked?

NoSquirrels · 17/10/2019 19:46

OK, well just logistically she probably can’t handle all 5 cousins on holiday, and probably not even all 4. Financially I guess she’s not able to afford 2 holidays to take them separately.

Can you all go away together?

DianneWhatcock · 17/10/2019 19:47

@NailsNeedDoing

Personally if I am lucky enough to eventually get GC then if I cant afford to take all of them on holiday or don't want to then I wont take any of them. I will treat them the same

@NoSauce no behaviour issues or SN

@NoSquirrels I have 3, sil has 2 . It isn't the extra babysitting its the inequality with taking some on holiday and not others

OP posts:

DianneWhatcock · 17/10/2019 19:49

Oh and I would happily go away together but we have never been asked

Naturally MIL has also been away with SIL and her dp and the other GC too on multiple occasions

OP posts:

NoSauce · 17/10/2019 19:49

How often do PILs see your DC? How is this facilitated?

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JassyRadlett · 17/10/2019 19:50

Financially I guess she’s not able to afford 2 holidays to take them separately.

Except that she’s taken the other grandkids away twice this year.

It’s really hard to construe her behaviour as anything but shitty. If there is a reasonable underlying excuse she should let OP’s husband know so he can address it with the kids, who have noticed the difference. Not to do so is similarly shitty.

Drogosnextwife · 17/10/2019 19:51

So you want her to pay for 5 kids to go on holiday? We'll 4 kids and a 13 year old who will probably be classed as an adult and eat adult meals etc.

Notonthestairs · 17/10/2019 19:52

My GC aren't favourites on either side! Part of that was geography but also personality...

I've recognised that I didn't behave like my (lovely) SIL's ie I didn't want a lot of input on my parenting, I was always hospitable but on my terms and liked my boundaries.

I would have to change to access/encourage help. And I didn't want to! So I've had less help but when I get cross about it I remind myself some of that was my own choice.

Why don't you suggest a trip away with your PIL. Foster that relationship a bit more and see where it takes you.

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