To be upset MiL treats my DC differently?

[DianneWhatcock]

My MIL looks after my SIL's children every day so SIL can work (I might add SILs partner - and dc father - doesn't even work!)

I occasionally ask her if I'm stuck for example in the holidays I might ask for a day here and there. But I always get the impression it's a big ask as she's already got so much on her plate with SILS dc

Tbh that part doesn't really bother me, but what pisses me off is she also takes SILs dc on holiday. While SIL has a nice child free break with her dp. They've been twice this year. whereas mine never even get asked.

I'm just saddened by it and also H never says anything to her about it.

Aibu?

[DianneWhatcock]

@NoSauce twice a month approx and it's usually facilitated by us visiting

[DianneWhatcock]

@JassyRadlett thanks so much for being so supportive and understanding it really means so much when I'm so upset and confused about this x

[DianneWhatcock]

@Drogosnextwife

As I say if they can't afford to take them all then I personally don't find it fair to take any 🤷‍♀️

As I have stated, i do seem to be quite a lone voice in this 🤦‍♀️🤯

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

Why not ask your parents to take your kids over night so you and your husband can go away for a night/weekend?

Your mil is looking after 2 small kids all week.

You have 2 other 'grannies' who you claim are more than happy to help. Why not use them instead?

[Drogosnextwife]

So you expect her to be able to afford to take 5 away on holiday, while she doesn't work and provides free childcare, but you can't afford to take your kids away at all?

[NoSauce]

Twice a month is ok I guess.

Why do think she doesn’t take them away? What’s she like with them when in their company? She must be fairly warm with them as I’m sure you wouldn’t allow her to see them if not.

[Drogosnextwife]

How old is sil and how old are you and your dp?

[NoSquirrels]

I understand it’s about the holidays, and I agree that you shouldn’t favour one lot over the others - it’s thoughtless or it’s mean, one way or the other. Couldn’t say without knowing the people involved.

I think the single parent DD does skew it though - my MIL basically has acted as the other parent for her DD’s DC and so in this situation she’d be going on holiday with her DD and those DGC (rather than ours) because ‘poor SIL needs the help/company/insert whatever excuse here’. She genuinely sees it as SIL and her DC are in greater need than us, because there’s 2 first us to parent and sort logistics. Perhaps your MIL, like mine, has never considered you in need of time off just as adults.

In some of this, too, there’s surely a don’t ask don’t get thing going on? If your DH has never pushed the point...?

[Drogosnextwife]

Perhaps your MIL, like mine, has never considered you in need of time off just as adults.

Eh perhaps the mil is in need of some just adult time aswell. Not having to provide childcare to all the grandchildren for the rest of her days to make sure it's fair.

[DisappointingBanana]

So you want her to pay for 5 kids to go on holiday?

She taken the SIL’s away twice this year!

But it’s the different treatment that’s the problem here surely? It’s not about money, or that OP is demanding her MIL takes her DC away too.

[JassyRadlett]

thanks so much for being so supportive and understanding it really means so much when I'm so upset and confused about this

I’m just so baffled by so many women trying to justify the different treatment for such spurious reasons. These are kids and she’s an adults. Playing favourites in such an obvious way is crappy. The idea that being closer to one parent than another justifies treating one set of grandkids better is bizarre and makes you wonder how these people treat their own kids.

Even my own grandmother who had very clear favourites among her children and DILs (and treated one of her DILs very badly) was able to treat her grandchildren more or less equally.

My other grandmother didn’t and played favourites even within families. She reaped what she sowed - we all distanced ourselves from her in adulthood.

[DisappointingBanana]

I think the single parent DD does skew it though

She’s not a single parent!

[Drogosnextwife]

It’s not about money, or that OP is demanding her MIL takes her DC away too.

Hmm, well it kind of is. Holidays cost money, OP is annoyed her mil doesn't take her children on holiday so.....

[Drogosnextwife]

But I always get the impression it's a big ask as she's already got so much on her plate with SILS dc

Yeah it is a big ask because looking after 5 kids a day is hard work.

[NoSquirrels]

She’s not a single parent!

my bad! Projecting...

Mind you, while my SIL’s husband was still around he was a useless lazy fecker and my MIL still did it all (to prevent SIL being tipped over the edge!)

[DisappointingBanana]

She’s annoyed at the different treatment of the grandchildren. Drogo. That’s not to say she’s demanding a holiday for her DC, too.

[catyrosetom2]

My Grandmother picked my cousins up from school every day due to circumstances, and went abroad with them for two years. I never felt she loved my cousins more than me, but my mum has a warm loving relationship with her do there was no resentment to absorb as a child because there wasn’t any.

My SIL’s child has apparently felt less favoured over the years by my DM. It’s really sad as DM would have loved to have seen more of her but from day 1 was not welcome to.

I do get how hurtful it can feel to think your children are being treated differently though.

[Drogosnextwife]

The mil isn't treating the grandchildren badly fgs. She probably doesn't have the energy to look after that many children. There's obviously a reason she feels as though she has to do it for sil and would probably appreciate if her ds and dil weren't trying to make it a competition. With regards to holidays and childcare.
She clearly does some childcare for the dcs and as the OP said she has her own DM and an exdmil that will look after the children for her. So it really is that she wants mil to take her DC away on holiday.

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

My mother looked after my nephews 3 days a week. Worked 2 and a half days herself and also looked after her sister with intellectual disabilities who lived with her. My children didn't get a look in really! And they didn't get a look in because I wouldn't DREAM of asking my mother for help unless she really was the only option. She honestly had enough on her plate.

As you said OP your mil looks after her other gc all week. She has enough to do. Your children have other grandparents who you say are great. Ask them if you need help rather than asking your mil purely to prove a point.

[Drogosnextwife]

Also DisappointingBanana That's the second time you have said that.

[blablablabla123]

Ive been through this so many times in so many ways, my two step grandmothers, my eldests grandmother and my parents favouring some children over others, im also a stepmother to now adults. It does feel hurtful and is difficult to explain to the children. I remember being on the receiving end of this as a teenager, then as mother and more recently as a grandmother to the children of my sons, while my stepdaughter has three children whos paternal family were very involved and hands on until they stopped being involved.


Perhaps your mil is as emotionally exhausted as i am? She is probably physically exhausted. Perhaps the only way she can fair to all is giving more of herself than she has left to give?

Its seems a very unfair situation, but there is likely to be no way to make it fair. As an example, my son is now with a women and they are expecting a baby, there are two "new to me" grandchildren involved, 7 and 13 years old, so older than your eldest was when he became a member of your mil's family. I have my own views on how grandparenting for me in this situation will work and hopefully will have an opportunity to discuss this with son and parent before the new baby arrives. It seems that you and dh have not had this type of conversation with your mil, to me it seems long overdue.

There could be 101 reasons why your mil makes the choices she does, so my vote is for an open honest non judgemental chat with her. If your children ask you why they don't get to go on holiday with their grandmother, tell them you don't know and to ask her themselves.

[DisappointingBanana]

Also DisappointingBanana That's the second time you have said that

Because you keep missing the point.

Pointing out unfairness is not the same as demanding the same indulgence or gifts. Would you think it fair if your MIL bought houses for her two other grandchildren, but not for your two DC? Would you just say, “fair enough, she can’t afford 4 houses” I presume not.

Calling out this unfairness is not the same as saying “You must buy my children houses, too”

[OneForMeToo]

I’ve heard that tripe before about daughters children being the closer ones because.... a daughters children came from your daughter you know they are hers and thus biological family, a sons children come from the women and could be anyone’s technically. Sickening really.

[Drogosnextwife]

Pointing out unfairness is not the same as demanding the same indulgence or gifts. Would you think it fair if your MIL bought houses for her two other grandchildren, but not for your two DC? Would you just say, “fair enough, she can’t afford 4 houses”

😂 If the others needed it more, I wouldn't be bitching and moaning about it, no.

[Drogosnextwife]

Calling out this unfairness is not the same as saying “You must buy my children houses, too”

Or you know, you just suck it up and get on with life like an adult.
Like I said there's obvious a reason this woman feels like she needs to step up and be a surrogate parent to her dgd children.