Being an older parent is hard as fuck.

[Oldasfuck]

We had babies in our 40s.

We are grateful. Of course we are. But fuuuuuuuuck, we feel about a thousand years old in terms of energy. Pretty sure we wouldn't be this destroyed if it was just the two of us. Our lives are just about surviving.

Am not explaining this well. And will await the barrage of "Well at least you're not infertile/a single parent". Yep I know. First World problems and all that.

But I didnt feel this exhausted when we were trying to conceive. We felt pretty good back then. Like we were still in our thirties! Everything was awesome! We had parents and friends and hey, even a social life!

Parents were elderly sure, but we were so happy to give them grandchildren. 3 out of 4 gone now in the space of 4 years.

Friends are busy with their own kids, everyone always so busy. Lots of friends have teenagers, chuckle indulgently at how old and fucked we look cos they went through it too - yeah, but at 32!

No energy to have sex, no energy to have hobbies, no energy left after work and creche and Big School and nappies and toilet training and trying to get dummies out of mouths and trying to make dinners everyone will eat but nobody does.

No family, no cousins, no wider circle. The worry of them not making connections, the worry of having to make them join clubs or they'll have nobody, the worry one of us will get something bad in our 50s and the kids won't even have finished school yet. The worry about having to make enough money to take care of ourselves in old age cos older parents = early burden. It is just us 4. It is so small. I worry they will feel the claustrophobia. Its not my fault, but actually maybe it is, for not having them 10 years ago when cousins were younger and friends kids were younger.

We look at each other and know there's no safety net. It's scary. School want to assed eldest for sensory issues. Am terrified. I feel old as hell.

We try to be kind to each other, we are OK at that. But I wish we were younger. We would get out of bed quicker, we would move faster, we re just so tired all the time. He thinks he has arthritis in his hands now, jesus that's something that old people have. We both wear varifocals now. And one still in nappies who still wakes up in the night half the time - why didn't we foresee this??! We thought we would feel young forever.

I ask colleagues on Monday what did you do over the weekend? "Oh we brought the kids up to grandma's for Sunday roast, what did you do?" "Oh nothing much, went to the playground/the beach, no didn't meet up with any family, no"

Why don't people talk about this? It makes a difference - 35 to 45. It really does. You lose so much family. You lose so much energy.its so hard.

I don't even want to read this back, it probably is ungrateful.

Young or old...each has its advantages and disadvantages.

If you're young when you have your kids, by the times they're adults you are still young enough to enjoy your own life and get your freedom back.

If you're an older parent, you've had all those previous years in your twenties and thirties to enjoy yourself.

What I cannot understand is people who have children in their late teens/early twenties...then have another in their forties! Absolute madness....it's virtually four decades of parenting!

I sympathise but don't feel the same as you. Try not to stress it too much.

I was 43 when I had my one child. He is now 14.

He was 12 weeks prem, his first school tried forcing an ASD label but child development said dyspraxia and address his intelligence, he had surgery inc to help him walk.

I was so thrilled to be pregnant that I sailed on through all the early baby stuff. A mid thirties parent once said to me that I 'must be tired' because I was 'an older parent' and that she 'could not imagine' what it would be like be have a baby in her forties. I did not identify with this at all. Especially since she was less than 10 years younger than I was.

When the school stuff kicked off it was horrible but I don't think 'tired' was what I felt, just cross and upset, worried my child was unhappy. We changed schools and he has now been at 2 schools who think he is the best thing since sliced bread.

Sometimes I do feel tired but I never think it is older parenthood. Occasionally it is parenthood though.

I think why I don't feel it is rubbish or bothersome or tiring to be an older parent is many fold. I have only one child. I know I would never have wanted more than one. I never had any intention of having a child in my 20's and wanted to wait until my 30's. It took a long time to get pregnant but it happened in the end. In my 40's I felt no different to how I'd felt in my 30's. 50's are different but I've been doing them long enough to have adjusted. It freaks me out everso slightly that many grandparents are my age but it seems perfectly normal to me to be an older parent.

I had my child at 43, he's now 2 and I'm a broken woman.

My skin has aged, my body is screwed. My knees take 10 minutes just to warm up in the (very early) mornings.
I look completely different to the way I looked a few years ago (worse, much much worse). Most of this I blame on having a bad sleeper/early riser.

Also, like you, no support and little in the way of friends with kids, especially of my own age.

But he's hilarious, and I suspect he'll keep me youngish. So I'll keep him.

It is hard, I nodded to much of your post.
Fist bump for you.

Can I just say oldasfuck it sounds like you and your husband/partner are doing a wonderful job as parents. Have some

And also, I’m a mum in my forties and I’m always tired-as-fuck!

Quite honestly I feel the opposite, I had. My first (only child) at 43, did have parents/ILs alive but none close to us. I am just so grateful to have had many years enjoying ‘freedom/establishing my career etc’, I look at parents in their early 30s and their lives seem so frantic compared to mine, we had more or less paid of the mortgage, financial pressures were few. Being older I had the confidence to go out and about to make new friends and contacts. And at over 60 now I quite enjoy talking about ‘my DS at uni’ when other women my age are being used as child minders for grandchildren .
But we are all different and whatever age you are, young children are exhausting.

I really urge you to make friends with the parents of your kids' friends. Maybe when they start school (doesn't sound like they're there yet).

Important to find the ones you like (not always easy) but the difference it will make to your life will be huge. Logistics, company, socialising, other people who ARE interested in your kids.

I really thought I had enough friends when I became a parent, didn't need any more, didn't want to get into that whole school-gates thing, blah blah. But I can honestly say I have made life-long friends and I don't know how I would have got through some of the shit times without them.

Had my second at 35 thank god. Now 45 and feel have aged massively in last 3 years. A friend posted a memory and I was in the background in the playground aged 37 I looked amazing so young. Couldn’t imagine doing the slog of pre schoolers at 45

I felt considerably older and creakier at 37, with 3 kids under 6, than I do now at 43 now they are all at school and sleeping through and I get to go to the gym three times a week. Small kids are knackering, you will come out of the other side and feel young again!

Omg I know 2 girls from school who are now grandparents!!!

One of the other mums at ds's school thought I was his grandmother....I gave her a hard stare over my varifocals whilst muttering "fuck you" under my breath.

Every so often dh and I have a day off work and go for a day trip on our own and just fuck about like the idiots we were when we met....I'm lucky to have had such an idiot by my side to be honest.

Be kind to yourself - you sound like you’ve had a lot to deal with in the last few years . I had my kids mid/ late 30s but my husband is 10 years older . We are often tired too - he’s often asleep on the sofa by about 9. Our children are a little older , they become more self sufficient and easier to reason with ... you will probably find it feels easier soon

I had mine at 33 and 36 and it nearly fucking killed me. It's just really hard work in the early years.

Off on a tangent - They are going to be living with us for the first couple of months, which I am simultaneously looking forward to and exhausted at the thought of a newborn in the house again. Luckily my two are old enough that I am really hoping it might help them both learn to be a bit more useful round the house.

My grandmother had 6 kids from age ~18 to ~40 (Catholic!) and when my mother got pregnant with my sister at 37 my grandmother was distraught for her, saying how much harder it is 'at that age'. I have no personal experience being pregnant with my second and last at 28, but I don't think you're alone in your observations and I hope you find a bit more lustre in your life soon.

Fistbump of solidarity to you (although I'm only in my mid/late thirties). Parenthood is tough and exhausting. I honestly think it's usually exhausting for different reasons whatever age you are.

What stands out for me in your post is the lack of support and family circle and network. I am really conscious of this as I am a single parent and I do find it is so much easier when I have good quality contact with friends and people who understand. I also find that widening my selection of babysitters is also extremely valuable in terms of being able to get a little break every once in a while. Can you try to find some more trusted people who can take your kids for a trip to the playground every once in a while?

I had one at 31 and one at 40. The baby stuff was easier the second time around. I do struggle with the whole "having two kids" thing right now, but that would be the case at any age. And we have grown wealthier over the years. We can afford a cleaner and a tutor and have a nicer more comfortable home and other things that make stuff easier. You do tire more easily as you get older, but I've found that it balances out, for the most part.

I am constantly seeing threads here where parents or two or thee young kids are describing what a stressful nightmare their lives are, especially if their kids are close together and they are right in the eye of the storm. Parents in their 20s and 30s seem just as likely to post this kind of stuff as parents in their 40s! If you had BOTH your children later, I think it's easy to put everything down to age and to constantly feel like, "Oh, this would be so easy if I was younger." It probably would not make much difference, and I'm saying that as someone who had the first one younger and am therefore able to compare my experiences.

Are your kids close together? (I am guessing probably yes, if you had two after 40). You are in the trenches right now! It really will get easier, and before you know it you will have two similar age kids on similar schedules and becoming more independent by the day.

Also, can you connect somehow with a social circle of other parents who don't have much family around, and get together?

It’s not your age, it’s the kids and their age!

I am 43 and my youngest is -5, I couldn't imagine having small children now, I'm exhausted. You are amazing! I take my hat off to you

@ formerbabe. I'm one of the mad in your last paragraph.

Yesterday at pick up i stood chatting to one of the young mum's. We both have kids in yr1. She was in the same year as my eldest. And at that same school. It was really nice actually.

My older kids don't have kids yet. 2 of them are now older than i was when i had them. (That's a mind fuck when that happens - even more for them than me. They've realised how short life is)

Yes, i'm old enough to be a gran, and maybe some people think i am gran to my youngest, but what does it matter? Anyone over 30 is technically old enough to be a gran.

When I'm in my 40s, kiddo will be off to uni. :D

But I think it's hard at any age. I was so envious of my friends in their mid-20s travelling and building their careers while I was knee-deep in shitty nappies and sleep deprivation.

Close together? Ypu could say that! They're 3 and 4!!! (just turned 3 though. Hence the toilet training)

It's not easy OP, at any age. I had my 2 at 30 & 35. Youngest is now 4. I lost my Mum when I was young, and my Dad while pg with DS1. DHs family are useless and distant, and we live a very long way from extended family so, like you, we have little in the way of family connections. However, through toddler group and school we have made wonderful friends here. My best friend is nearly 10 years older than me, she has a son the same age as DS1 and they are best friends having been through nursery and primary together. They are like family to us. The fact that she is older than me matters not one bit! I'd urge you to try and make friends with school mums. The way we all help each other out here is so valuable, and without family to help for me it is essential. It will get easier. My DS2 didn't sleep until he was 3, and I honestly felt like like I would never have a good nights sleep again but we're over that phase now and during the week I'm dragging them out of bed in the morning.

Last baby at the age of 40 and is now 7 . Your doing an amazing job , I spend half my life muttering under my breath about how tired I am

If you feel old now, wait until the Mums and Dads 100 yard dash at sports days