Being an older parent is hard as fuck.

[Oldasfuck]

We had babies in our 40s.

We are grateful. Of course we are. But fuuuuuuuuck, we feel about a thousand years old in terms of energy. Pretty sure we wouldn't be this destroyed if it was just the two of us. Our lives are just about surviving.

Am not explaining this well. And will await the barrage of "Well at least you're not infertile/a single parent". Yep I know. First World problems and all that.

But I didnt feel this exhausted when we were trying to conceive. We felt pretty good back then. Like we were still in our thirties! Everything was awesome! We had parents and friends and hey, even a social life!

Parents were elderly sure, but we were so happy to give them grandchildren. 3 out of 4 gone now in the space of 4 years.

Friends are busy with their own kids, everyone always so busy. Lots of friends have teenagers, chuckle indulgently at how old and fucked we look cos they went through it too - yeah, but at 32!

No energy to have sex, no energy to have hobbies, no energy left after work and creche and Big School and nappies and toilet training and trying to get dummies out of mouths and trying to make dinners everyone will eat but nobody does.

No family, no cousins, no wider circle. The worry of them not making connections, the worry of having to make them join clubs or they'll have nobody, the worry one of us will get something bad in our 50s and the kids won't even have finished school yet. The worry about having to make enough money to take care of ourselves in old age cos older parents = early burden. It is just us 4. It is so small. I worry they will feel the claustrophobia. Its not my fault, but actually maybe it is, for not having them 10 years ago when cousins were younger and friends kids were younger.

We look at each other and know there's no safety net. It's scary. School want to assed eldest for sensory issues. Am terrified. I feel old as hell.

We try to be kind to each other, we are OK at that. But I wish we were younger. We would get out of bed quicker, we would move faster, we re just so tired all the time. He thinks he has arthritis in his hands now, jesus that's something that old people have. We both wear varifocals now. And one still in nappies who still wakes up in the night half the time - why didn't we foresee this??! We thought we would feel young forever.

I ask colleagues on Monday what did you do over the weekend? "Oh we brought the kids up to grandma's for Sunday roast, what did you do?" "Oh nothing much, went to the playground/the beach, no didn't meet up with any family, no"

Why don't people talk about this? It makes a difference - 35 to 45. It really does. You lose so much family. You lose so much energy.its so hard.

I don't even want to read this back, it probably is ungrateful.

I'm 40, DH is 50. We have a 3yo and a baby. Am enjoying it now and have energy- but I'm on mat leave. Going back to working evenings in a fairly stressful job in January and my career is going nowhere (I was already in a rut before I had them). Need to do something about the rut-job but it's going to be have to be more carefully planned than when I was in my 20s or 30s and could have handed my notice in without the worry of being financially responsible for everyone.

Dad passed away last year. I show the 3yo his photo and say "Who's that?" to make sure she can still say "That's Papa" but I'm doing it for me really; if she has any memory of Papa at all it will be of a sad, crumpled old man in a dementia home who couldn't stand and didn't know her name in the end. If I'd had her ten years earlier, he would have been at home and laughed at her jokes and carried her around on his shoulders. Mum has cancer, again. Terminal this time, probably. She is tired to the bone and on a lot of chemo. She lives an hour away. I only take the children to visit when none of us have colds. Sometimes just the baby as 3yo running and playing and noise is too much for her and she just wants peace. The baby won't remember her. The 3yo will and gets so excited "We're going to Granny Power's house!!!! YAAAAAYYYY!!! I love Granny Power!!!" I tell her to play quietly because Granny Power is tired. Haven't the heart to tell her why Granny Power is tired or to make the most of it because by Christmas next year there probably won't be a Granny Power.

DH's parents- who live 8 hours away- are in their late 70s and getting a bit more dilapidated. They are still quite outdoorsy but get tired quickly and their backs and hands are knackered enough to make lifting their grandchildren a bit too much of a strain. They're pottering along OK, on a load of arthritis pills and blood pressure pills and cataract surgery and hand surgery. We make the most of our visits there too. Just in case.

I had 11 cousins growing up; DH had 6, or 10 if you count the children of very close family friends locally who used to run around together all the time. My daughters have 1, who we see very occasionally. The drop in birth rate is a good thing for the planet but this is an inevitable consequence. My 3yo has a couple of friends to play with where we live but we are in a development of what everyone considers starter homes; some of the families have already moved away and we likely will too, if we can afford it. I would like to have been established in our final family home before we had children (or even in my late 20s like my parents and PILs, and got a good permanent garden going that I could tend till I'm old like they did) but I hadn't even met DH by then and anyway, we couldn't have afforded it.

Ach well, swings and roundabouts. I'm glad I didn't marry the person I was with when I was 25. I suppose I might have been able to frogmarch DH down the aisle sooner and flushed my pills down the loo and had children a few years earlier but he would probably have resented me for it.

42 with a 16 month old and a 4 year old here. I have a lot of mum friends with kids the same ages who range from being the same age as me to 10 years younger and most report the same problems, especially those with little darlings like dd who won't sodding sleep.

I can't say I feel old though because I don't. I'm fitter and healthier than I was in my early 30s when I was working ridiculous hours, skipping meals or eating at my desk/on the way to appointments.

We don't have many hard rules as a family and we kept dc1 out of school this year (he's 4 and a half) to give us more flexiblility. One thing I do insist on however is that dh and I make time for ourselves even if it's just to share a takeout/movie when the kids are in bed.

I had my children when I was in my late teens/early twenties. I then had other children in my late 30's and early 40's. Tbh, it made no difference. I do worry about being healthy though. I worry about something happening to me or my dh more than I should.

I'm not sure it's your age so much as your situation. Two young kids, close together in age, one with potentially some additional needs and a bad sleeper. On top of that, no close family and your friends are in different places in their lives. And still dealing with the trauma of losing parents in the last few years.

It's absolutely normal that your'e feeling this way.

I would say it's worth looking for a few practical solutions. If your DS is at school, initiate a class meet up for parents. Even if you just get to know one or two other families well enough to meet up on the weekends or after school) you don't have to be best friends) it's nice to have that back up. And as the DC get older, those relationships can be useful - we do extracurricular activity lift clubs or babysitting for younger/older children who stay home etc.

Also a great babysitter is a win. we had a nanny one day a week for years and one of the reasons was so that we had someone we knew and trusted and who knew our kids and our routines which meant that evenings out were possible - she could turn up and just pick up wherever we left off whether that was half way through dinner, bath or bed time.

Hang in there. It gets better.

Oh, and on the sensory stuff - DS was only diagnosed at 7 but if he does have one, earlier diagnosis will really help you.

The worry of them not making connections, the worry of having to make them join clubs or they'll have nobody, the worry one of us will get something bad in our 50s and the kids won't even have finished school yet.. You're worrying too much. Don't worry about dummies and potty training - I know no adults with dummies and not potty trained - it will come with time.

I’m 36 with a 3 year old and a 3 month old. DH has a life long health problem. We don’t have any support from wider family at the moment, PIL have been able to help out in the past. My parents are older have sever health problems, my Mum spent week 2 to week 11 of second DD2 life in hospital/rehabilitation unit (physio). My DDad was in intensive care when DD1 was born. Them the breaks.

Exhaustion is just part of having a young family.

You can't compare yourself with others. Not sure the exact age you are. I'm 36 and 39 when I had my two. It was really hard work in the beginning, but they are now 5 and 8 and things are much better now. (I'm 45). I'm not feeling I'm tired all the time. It'll get better.

Agree, you are really really worrying too much! They will meet friends at school. So will you. It'll be fine.

Yes quite a few friends from school are now grandparents in their 40’s

I got asked the other day at the park when with my 2yr if I was nanny

I said no

I was mummy. I’m 46

*need to go out to the pub with DH and get legless on big dirty pints, tbh.

I am going to make that happen. Definitely. Fuck it.*

Hurrah! Go for it. I want to get properly drunk with DH too. In another couple of years might be able to leave DDs with my sister for an overnight. Will definitely do it. "Do you want to go away somewhere nice and stay in a nice hotel?" "No I just want to get hammered on big old pints in the local pub together, crawl home and know that the children are safe with somebody else".

One of the issues that crops up is once they hit 20 you are old enough to be their grandparents .

I became a single mum as 43 and don't feel like this either. If anything I like the fact I did all the crazy things when in my 20s and 30ths and enjoy week-ends with my 8 year old.

It’s not your age, it’s the kids and their age!

This x100.

I’m not even 40 yet with a three year old sleep dodger (I’ll give her credit for being consistent - this is a trend she’s continued since birth ) and the odd occasion I get more than four hours straight sleep or a couple of hours to sit on my arse and listen to sweet, sweet silence I can feel the refreshment coarse through my weary body!

Dp’s sister had her kids very young and is now in her late forties globe trotting and setting up her own business now she’s answerable to no one but herself. It’s certainly not an age she’s finding physically tough.

In an ideal world I would have got the sprogging out the way much earlier but fate had other ideas. Still, my twenties and early thirties were mostly fun and indulgent so it’s not like I’ve missed out completely and it will all come back one day.

The grief of losing your parents and the huge handicap of a small support network is bound to have an impact to. No one ever feels like they get enough support, particularly when they’re small and usually need a decent bond with whoever is babysitting for them. It twangs a few nerves when you feel surrounded by people who seemingly have loads of support but you have to keep your mind on your own situation and try not to let it get to you to much.

The hard yards are hardvwhatever your age. Add in bereavement and they are harder but age is irrelevant

I'm nearly 60. DC are 24 and 21. The other side is that they have kept me in touch with a younger generation and it helps, especially at work.

sympathy, it is exhausting, but my experience has been different, I had a great time in my twenties and mid-thirties, and had kids when I was ready emotionally, I have really enjoyed it.

To me, yes, having them early means you get some years later when they are independent and you can regain your life, but, I always thought by then I will still want to be involved with them, and certainly helping out once they have kids, it will never be the totally carefree time I had in my young years where I travelled the world, lived in different countries and had proper, somewhat dangerous adventures that you couldn't have when older and with kids (well, at least, I couldn't, it would feel irresponsible to take such risks once I had kids). For me wild years when young then settle down with kids worked really well.

I am also quite content with having to help care for in laws and parents now while we also have younger kids, yes, it is tiring, but again, if I had had kids early and then once they were older had to look after elderly relatives, that's your whole life taken up with caring responsibilities, this way, it is all now, but I had my wild years, and once my kids are older there won't be any need for me to care for anybody. It works for us, clearly not everybody's preference, horses for courses as they say!

I think Mydogmylife hit the nail on the head.
You've had a huge amount happen in a very short space of time, and grief does seem to permeate every part of life and exhaust you. I had 2 children and lost both parents within a 4.5yr period and felt similarly to you (still do on a bad day! Oldest DC is now 5). I was 30 when DC1 was born so it wasn't age related, plus DH who was 41 with DC1 hasn't suffered in the same way. My family is now my DH and 2 DCs only. I'm constantly aware of my mortality and aging now, and it's strangely lonely not having 'blood' family to laugh about my earlier years despite a great group of friends and wonderful DH. I'm exhausted but struggle to get to sleep.
Counselling really helped me unpick my feelings after DM died, and I'm currently having CBT to help with the depression and anxiety that have cropped up since losing Dad. Both therapies have made me feel more in control and that 'everything will be ok' eventually. I'm a better, less-shouty/strung out parent for it although I still have a long way to go. I even feel slightly less exhausted, although with 2 DCs that still wake regularly that's not going to completely disappear! It might be worth a consideration OP.

It’s not your age, it’s the kids and their age!

This is so true.
I was exhausted when dc were that age. Feel better now they are older even though I am too.

Oh, OP. Sending another hug. I wanted to say that sleep deprivation ages you like crazy. Give it a year or a few years, they will be sleeping, and you will be sleeping better, and you will start to feel almost as you did before babies. Honestly. The early years are bloody tough. xxx

I had mine at 37 and 40. I am fit as a fiddle and the slimmest I’ve been since my teens. I can honestly say I’m not feeling old or tired however I will agree its rubbish that my kids only have their Nannies left. I do worry about the lack of extended family and this becomes particularly acute at birthdays and Christmas.

Had my DD at 42.
I found I was OK at motherhood but there was less information on sleeping,attachment etc so less worry.
Now my DD is 16 all her friends mums look as old as me and a lot of them less active.
Everyone is different though,and if you read enough on here you'll find lots of 20yr olds not coping.
Any bad times I found,pass .Concentrate on the good bits.

I know where you are coming from.
I had my first at 23 and my 4th at 35.
I'm now 44 and my youngest is 9.
I don't have half the energy I had when my eldest was this age.
Both my eldest and 4th (youngest) are severely disabled (two different unrelated disabilities).
I'm a single mum and they don't have any grandparents or extended family to help out.
I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard at times.

I was 22 and 24 when I had my 2 and it was hard. First to have children and grandparents all worked. I was shattered and really struggled with ds especially. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and it all made sense.

I get it OP I had mine at 42, I'm now a 52 year old single parent.
I also understand the illness worries I have arthritis and it's not getting any better. Had 3 hospital stays for 3 different ops ( 2 pretty major ) in the last 3 years.
My parents are early to mid 70's and fit and well generally but they've lived abroad for the last 14 years.
In many ways I wish I'd done this when I was a lot younger but just was never in the right circumstances.
It's knackering though isn't it!!

Aww I feel for you. My mum had me at 22 then my youngest sister at 44 - I can really see the difference in energy, but also emotional engagement! My mum can deal with my sister much more calmly, she has more patience and time, with me she was always flying off the handle and getting pissed every night - I don't resent my mum, she tried her best - but I feel like in the past few years she's finally started being a parent to me, better late than never! I think it'll ease as it gets better - are you both getting any solo time~? My friend is in a similar situation, not much external support, and she and her husband make sure they get a few hours a week alone each and she said that helped loads - good luck! Just remember you are doing a great job if you are doing the bet you can, which sounds like you are :)

Had ours when I was 42 & 45, one good thing to come out of it is, that both are fairly self sufficient and independent. We didn't have the energy or inclination to be totally full on involved all the time, we obviously did stuff with them and they both attended nursery part time; but they had to amuse themselves, and this has paid dividends.